So, two posts in a week, that's a lot for me these days. But I came home from my friend's house and suddenly just had a mood crash. Not fully sure why. But, yeah... not really even sure what else to say, other than I'm really cold right now. I'm like all bundled up with layers and blankets, but I'm really cold still.
Anyway, I really dont know what else to say...
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Again and Again
Again, and again, why, because I seem to come back to the same thoughts, feelings, and frustrations again and again. Again, as usual, I've been really irratic about my blog. But whatever, that's okay, it's just a blog right. The point of it is to be my own outlet for whatever it is that's eating me or whatever that I just have to get out.
I'm feeling really fucking defeated again. It's been fucking eight months since I graduated college, and I've done shit. No job, not even like a fucking 'minimum wage, mall job' kind of thing. Granted I haven't gone looking a lot for the 'bagging grocerys' jobs. Cause that's not what I want, DAMN IT! That's not what I spent eight long fucking years in college for. I want A LOT fucking more than that. My mom is all like you need to go back to school and do something like managing a hotel or something. I DON'T EVER WANT TO DO THAT! Hell I think I'd rather bag grocerys. That just SOOO doesn't seem like something I would ever be remotely happy doing. And seeing as I'm not seeing any other areas of my life becoming rewarding and fullfilling anytime soon, you know, like love, and relationships and such. Yeah, that's so not happening. So what the fuck else do I have to make my life worth something to make it matter, to draw a little fucking joy from? Work. And I don't mind work if I like what I'm doing. However I suck at the finding a job part.
It doesn't help that I really don't feel like some of the people close to me, like my mother, even think I can ever actually do what I want to do, and maybe I don't either, and maybe that's the biggest problem. My faith in my own ability to be what I want was long ago smashed to pieces by most of the people that passed into or were part of my life. I know what I want, I just have no fucking idea how to go about getting it. I just feel really fucking lost and useless right now. I mean, I just really fucking realized a few days ago that in just 3 years I'm going to be fucking 30 years old! And what the fuck do I have to show for at this point, 26 and some years... a whole lot of NOTHING! I'm pretty much Nothing right now. And I HATE IT! I don't want to forever be nothing, accomplish nothing. Because then what the fuck is the point of anything.
I'm feeling really fucking defeated again. It's been fucking eight months since I graduated college, and I've done shit. No job, not even like a fucking 'minimum wage, mall job' kind of thing. Granted I haven't gone looking a lot for the 'bagging grocerys' jobs. Cause that's not what I want, DAMN IT! That's not what I spent eight long fucking years in college for. I want A LOT fucking more than that. My mom is all like you need to go back to school and do something like managing a hotel or something. I DON'T EVER WANT TO DO THAT! Hell I think I'd rather bag grocerys. That just SOOO doesn't seem like something I would ever be remotely happy doing. And seeing as I'm not seeing any other areas of my life becoming rewarding and fullfilling anytime soon, you know, like love, and relationships and such. Yeah, that's so not happening. So what the fuck else do I have to make my life worth something to make it matter, to draw a little fucking joy from? Work. And I don't mind work if I like what I'm doing. However I suck at the finding a job part.
It doesn't help that I really don't feel like some of the people close to me, like my mother, even think I can ever actually do what I want to do, and maybe I don't either, and maybe that's the biggest problem. My faith in my own ability to be what I want was long ago smashed to pieces by most of the people that passed into or were part of my life. I know what I want, I just have no fucking idea how to go about getting it. I just feel really fucking lost and useless right now. I mean, I just really fucking realized a few days ago that in just 3 years I'm going to be fucking 30 years old! And what the fuck do I have to show for at this point, 26 and some years... a whole lot of NOTHING! I'm pretty much Nothing right now. And I HATE IT! I don't want to forever be nothing, accomplish nothing. Because then what the fuck is the point of anything.
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