Thursday, November 06, 2008
Really need to scream...
...before my head explodes or something. I feel stressed. The why is kind of complicated, but I feel like I have a dull headache most of the last few nights. I'm kind of glad for the 'mix up' of the norm that I should get this weekend, heading down to So Cal to see the screening of the movie I worked on last year. That should be fun, see a few people I made friends with doing the movie. And hopefully just have some fun hanging out and being down there. Not much to say right now, just had to get it off my mind that I felt like screaming or something.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
When you feel like screaming off the edge of the world...
Decided to just post this everywhere I have, because I guess it's something I needed to just get out, in hopes of it making up for my not actually being able to scream...
...I sometimes just have to spit things out when they come to me, in hopes of not letting ideas that seem worth while from getting lost in my laziness or something. Which I can be very lazy, that's one issue, I get into a comfortable routine or habit, and I have trouble breaking out of it. This is something that happens often and easily when I'm at home, mostly because my home, not really going anywhere. It's like a house of hermits, but I sometimes have the inclination to be social, and I definitely don't want to be here forever. It would be a miserable, useless existence. Problem is I don't have the money to just get out, and I know that step, if I get to it, will be more complicated than simply doing it. And as my mom has mentioned, by the looks of it now, I'm going to have to eventually support my brother, since he seems to be unable to do anything. There's always the chance that at some point he'll hit some kind of frustration point and try and do something on his own, which I think was a point I hit about a year and a half ago, after two years of nothing much post college.
Though even from that, I feel like I've made a few little steps, but I feel like I haven't made the strides that I really should have in this last year. I'm definitely not feeling like I'm that much closer to being self-sufficient than I was before. I need more jobs in LA, ones that will pay, that I can afford to move there and feel like I'll be secure and won't be homeless in two months.
If I get the work, I know I'll work hard, I'm only lazy when it comes to getting out of that routine. But when there's an actual job to do, I have no problem getting out and doing that job and working hard. And I am highly loyal and want things to be right in a job. I don't half ass things just cause it's easier. I know I have a good work ethic, it's just having the ability and means to get the jobs to show that ethic.
And I guess more than work and where I'm living is getting to me these days too. I'm turning 30 in less than a year and I feel like I've done nothing of any worth with my life. I have no love life, no relationship, nothing that might yield a family. And I just talked about the work situation. And I feel like a big loser virgin still living with her mother.... cause that's pretty much what I am at this point... I just don't like being that... And I think I'd be okay with never having love or a family if I just felt good about a job and what I was doing and that I was my own person (though I'm not sure the opposite would be as true...). But that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't see the cute babies in Target with 'mom and dad' and think that wouldn't be maybe nice to have too. I feel like I've been missing my life, I've been letting it just blow right by me, and I'm already starting to feel like I'm waking up and realizing I've missed my chances.
...I sometimes just have to spit things out when they come to me, in hopes of not letting ideas that seem worth while from getting lost in my laziness or something. Which I can be very lazy, that's one issue, I get into a comfortable routine or habit, and I have trouble breaking out of it. This is something that happens often and easily when I'm at home, mostly because my home, not really going anywhere. It's like a house of hermits, but I sometimes have the inclination to be social, and I definitely don't want to be here forever. It would be a miserable, useless existence. Problem is I don't have the money to just get out, and I know that step, if I get to it, will be more complicated than simply doing it. And as my mom has mentioned, by the looks of it now, I'm going to have to eventually support my brother, since he seems to be unable to do anything. There's always the chance that at some point he'll hit some kind of frustration point and try and do something on his own, which I think was a point I hit about a year and a half ago, after two years of nothing much post college.
Though even from that, I feel like I've made a few little steps, but I feel like I haven't made the strides that I really should have in this last year. I'm definitely not feeling like I'm that much closer to being self-sufficient than I was before. I need more jobs in LA, ones that will pay, that I can afford to move there and feel like I'll be secure and won't be homeless in two months.
If I get the work, I know I'll work hard, I'm only lazy when it comes to getting out of that routine. But when there's an actual job to do, I have no problem getting out and doing that job and working hard. And I am highly loyal and want things to be right in a job. I don't half ass things just cause it's easier. I know I have a good work ethic, it's just having the ability and means to get the jobs to show that ethic.
And I guess more than work and where I'm living is getting to me these days too. I'm turning 30 in less than a year and I feel like I've done nothing of any worth with my life. I have no love life, no relationship, nothing that might yield a family. And I just talked about the work situation. And I feel like a big loser virgin still living with her mother.... cause that's pretty much what I am at this point... I just don't like being that... And I think I'd be okay with never having love or a family if I just felt good about a job and what I was doing and that I was my own person (though I'm not sure the opposite would be as true...). But that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't see the cute babies in Target with 'mom and dad' and think that wouldn't be maybe nice to have too. I feel like I've been missing my life, I've been letting it just blow right by me, and I'm already starting to feel like I'm waking up and realizing I've missed my chances.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
