Confusion

I wish I knew how to make this work. To get where I want, to be where I want. And without feeling like I'm making my cat sick or something. It's easy to settle back in with them. But that's why I want them to be happy. But I want to be happy too. In an ideal world, we'd all just up and move to LA and this whole thing would be easier. Not easy, but easier. I just don't know what to do. How to get those things I want without causing pain to those I care about, including my cats.

Driving around today, running errands and all that, I felt just out of it. The joy of the day has come from laughing at TV shows, being with my cats, and hanging around online. But I need a real joy and purpose in my life. Because those things are just kind of enough to keep me from just killing myself. But they don't make me feel actually happy in my life.

No Idea

I don't know how to get to what I want. I'm definitely not happy with my life as it is. All the work for what I want to do is in LA. However a lot of it doesn't pay. And even assuming I could figure out how to get down there and survive, making money, paying bills, and all that, it seems like it's just impossible. I went away again, just for a few days, not even a whole week, and my cat, who seemed to be getting better (she's been having a potty issue of some kind), got worse again when I went away. It seems like it was the same way the last time too. She was seeming better before I left, and got worse while I was gone. I'm starting to wonder if she's really sick, sick, or if my being gone is stressing her out and making her sick. Either way it's not good. But it kind of makes it impossible for me to leave if my cat is getting sick because I'm gone. Plus, I'm not sure anymore where to stay, as I think I've over stayed with my family down there. So to do temporary stays, I'd need to find others to stay with. It just feels like all my hopes and dreams were sucked away in a day, and now I feel shitty, and have no idea what to do. Like I don't even know why life is worth living anymore.