Really need to scream...

...before my head explodes or something. I feel stressed. The why is kind of complicated, but I feel like I have a dull headache most of the last few nights. I'm kind of glad for the 'mix up' of the norm that I should get this weekend, heading down to So Cal to see the screening of the movie I worked on last year. That should be fun, see a few people I made friends with doing the movie. And hopefully just have some fun hanging out and being down there. Not much to say right now, just had to get it off my mind that I felt like screaming or something.

When you feel like screaming off the edge of the world...

Decided to just post this everywhere I have, because I guess it's something I needed to just get out, in hopes of it making up for my not actually being able to scream...


...I sometimes just have to spit things out when they come to me, in hopes of not letting ideas that seem worth while from getting lost in my laziness or something. Which I can be very lazy, that's one issue, I get into a comfortable routine or habit, and I have trouble breaking out of it. This is something that happens often and easily when I'm at home, mostly because my home, not really going anywhere. It's like a house of hermits, but I sometimes have the inclination to be social, and I definitely don't want to be here forever. It would be a miserable, useless existence. Problem is I don't have the money to just get out, and I know that step, if I get to it, will be more complicated than simply doing it. And as my mom has mentioned, by the looks of it now, I'm going to have to eventually support my brother, since he seems to be unable to do anything. There's always the chance that at some point he'll hit some kind of frustration point and try and do something on his own, which I think was a point I hit about a year and a half ago, after two years of nothing much post college.

Though even from that, I feel like I've made a few little steps, but I feel like I haven't made the strides that I really should have in this last year. I'm definitely not feeling like I'm that much closer to being self-sufficient than I was before. I need more jobs in LA, ones that will pay, that I can afford to move there and feel like I'll be secure and won't be homeless in two months.

If I get the work, I know I'll work hard, I'm only lazy when it comes to getting out of that routine. But when there's an actual job to do, I have no problem getting out and doing that job and working hard. And I am highly loyal and want things to be right in a job. I don't half ass things just cause it's easier. I know I have a good work ethic, it's just having the ability and means to get the jobs to show that ethic.

And I guess more than work and where I'm living is getting to me these days too. I'm turning 30 in less than a year and I feel like I've done nothing of any worth with my life. I have no love life, no relationship, nothing that might yield a family. And I just talked about the work situation. And I feel like a big loser virgin still living with her mother.... cause that's pretty much what I am at this point... I just don't like being that... And I think I'd be okay with never having love or a family if I just felt good about a job and what I was doing and that I was my own person (though I'm not sure the opposite would be as true...). But that doesn't mean that sometimes I don't see the cute babies in Target with 'mom and dad' and think that wouldn't be maybe nice to have too. I feel like I've been missing my life, I've been letting it just blow right by me, and I'm already starting to feel like I'm waking up and realizing I've missed my chances.

Wrong Turn?

I don't know where I went wrong on this road. But I've been lost for a long time, I'm not even sure I'd recognize the right way if I was on it. I can only assume that only some roads lead to where I want to go, and that others have found their way down them somehow. So why can't I? What did I do wrong. I thought for years I was following all those key steps, but clearly I missed some along the way. Those paths that I was too scared to tread, or didn't seem all that important, turned out to be the ones I should have taken. But maybe those would have lead to someplace worse. Maybe I'd be even more lost had I gone another way. How the hell do I get where I'm trying to go when I've somehow strayed what seems like thousands of miles off the track? I can't resign myself to making the best of where I am, because I just might have to kill myself then. Some days I think maybe I'm not too old to still make it to where I want to be, but other days it seems hopelessly impossible. It all just seems so complicated, it all just seems so hard.

I was going to post this on an LJ community, but I couldn't work the prompt phrase in without it being forced. But it felt good to rant a little, so here it is, I'll just put it here. Cause I haven't in a while. I feel like I only come here now when I'm frustrated, and don't post regularly cause there isn't enough happening in my life... though I guess I could have spent the past weeks talking about my car issues. I'm now terrified every time I get in the car that it'll decide to not start, or worse, decide to stop 'going' while it's 'going. It sucks. Anyway... maybe I'll make a happier post someday.

Yeah, I suck, whatever

I keep meaning to keep up with blogging, but it kind of comes and goes. Right now, my brain hurts. :p Been writing fanfic, or trying to anyway. But the writer's block often gets in the way, and I sometimes go looking through sites, pages, forums looking for inspiration, how to get over the block, or something good to read to get the creativity going or something. But so often come away feeling drained, like now, where my head hurts. :p Anyway, that's it for now I think.

Life Sucks

I'm going to be pretty much pennyless by the end of the month. Which means no taking jobs that aren't here and paying for who knows how long. And if I have to get work that isn't temp here, then I'm stuck not even being able to go for those jobs. I hate it here, I hate my life. It all sucks. And I wonder what the hell I'm still doing here.

Make a plan

One of my friends said I need to set a goal, make a plan for moving to LA. Perhaps looking at by the time I'm 30 (which is a little over a year off), at least having things almost set for that. Having some money and a real plan and a time in the following months, before 2009 ends to be moved down there, living on my own. I'm still not sure how, and I still need money. Because right now, I have no real income, even if all I buy is a pretzel at Target while shopping cause I skipped breakfast, in a month, I've spent more than I've made. Because all I make in a month is about 60 cents in interest from my savings account, possibly less than that, I'm not really sure. But I know it's not even a dollar. I wish my temp service had more jobs for me, because I also want to be able to take any movie gigs in LA that I might apply for and be accepted for. But those pay very little to nothing at all, so that's not going to make me any money either. Plus there's a bit of expense in driving to LA, even with a place to stay for free. Which I might not be able to count on either. Most rents in LA seem to be 800 + for just a studio even, so I have to also have work down there when I move that will pay for that and other bills, plus the 'extras' like TV and internet, because those are a little necessary in my life. Just not sure how right now, it seems very daunting and almost impossible at times. Plus there's still the whole, my cat keeps getting sick every time I leave home for a few days thing. :p

Confusion

I wish I knew how to make this work. To get where I want, to be where I want. And without feeling like I'm making my cat sick or something. It's easy to settle back in with them. But that's why I want them to be happy. But I want to be happy too. In an ideal world, we'd all just up and move to LA and this whole thing would be easier. Not easy, but easier. I just don't know what to do. How to get those things I want without causing pain to those I care about, including my cats.

Driving around today, running errands and all that, I felt just out of it. The joy of the day has come from laughing at TV shows, being with my cats, and hanging around online. But I need a real joy and purpose in my life. Because those things are just kind of enough to keep me from just killing myself. But they don't make me feel actually happy in my life.