Pushing on

because if I don't, I might kill myself or something. :p I've put out some applications for jobs this past week, as well as emailing resumes to a few online listings. Not that I think I'll really even get contacted about most, but I've been avoiding trying to avoid rejection, I do that in most areas of my life. I don't try to avoid failure, but as a result, I'm failing life. There's things I want to do that I can't, I'm not allowed to, because I still live with my mom and can't seem to stop fucking listening to her. So, yeah, I'm feeling really trapped in my life, and I'm hoping for that little way out. That door to something more and better and something that will actually make me happy. Because, in all honesty, I don't recall the last time I could say I really felt happy. I mean, I've had 'happy moments', but they are moments. An event or something where I have a good time. Something mundane I do that I enjoy. But I mean big picture happy, like happy with my life as a whole, it's been a long time. I think maybe I was happy with my life as a whole when I was maybe 10 or something. But damn it, 18 years is a long fucking time to not be happy with one's life. And I need to change it. Before it kills me. Because something tells me that this sensation I've been walking around with for the last month or two where I just want to fucking scream all the time, probably not that healthy.