Just Shut Up!

I really, really need to remember those three little words, they are important. Just shut up! It's usually not too much of a problem in classes, I don't really talk much, but it needs to extend to group projects for classes, outside class, even online. I usually end up saying something lame, or stupid, or just plain too much. The best solution, just shut up!

And if I must say something, say it here, because here, no one's really listening, or at least no one need listen. It's not like it's messanger, or even a message board. I mean I don't think anyone but me ever reads this thing, which is fine, not really sure why anyone else would be interested in reading my insane ramblings and idiotic thoughts. It's not like I have anything of real importance or interest to say, I'm just saying a bunch of useless shit. Which is fine so long as I'm just talking to myself, which I'm awful good at, and when I don't want to listen anymore, I just shut up.

Weird randomness...

Okay, had one of those weird and random sort of days, but good day. But now I have guys on the brain... and I have a 9am class tomorrow. I just know this is gonna keep me awake tonight. AHH! One of those feel like you gotta bounce or scream, or something moments... I'm having one of those moments today... madness... and tomorrow is my crazy day at school, where I'm like at school in classes or meetings, or group work projects like all day long.

I think it was hormones

Well, wound up leaving class today fustrated, pissy, and on the verge of tears. I think I was just having one of those hormonal days where I just can't take anything that isn't light and fun fair.

On a side note, I think I've, again, decided that the best way to deal with life, particularly group work in classes is to shut the hell up and do whatever the rest of the group wants. I just end up fustrated and unhappy when the group inevitably doesn't give a shit and doesn't listen or care about anything I put in as input, or even worse, make me feel stupid for even suggesting anything at all. Unfortunatly this semester is gonna be full of shitty ass group work. Oh well, at least I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet and doing what I'm told, assuming I don't burst into tears in the middle of it all.

Well, going to attempt to sleep, been getting shitty sleep the last week, and it's starting to drive me over the edge, I about cried last night cause I just couldn't sleep.

Drawing a Blank

I was thinking I should say something here, but now that I'm here, I haven't got a bloody clue what. I swear though this world gets more fucking terrifying every day. The world is just a mess, the whole fucking world, a bloody mess, like, seriously. Woke up this morning to find that during the wee hours of the morning some jackasses (probably dumbass drunk teenagers) drove down my block and smashed in windows etc of like half the cars down the street, including mine. Now sucks a little less for me, since I was planning on getting rid of the car anyway, and actually the smashed window was just the modavation to take it over to the used car lot and sell it now. But one of our neighbors had just bought a new car and now it's windows and such are all smashed in. I mean, that's just shitty. I mean there's not even any fucking point to what these idiots did, it was just like all down one side of the street, most likely one idiot driving and another hanging out the passanger window with some object to smash with. It's not like there was a rhyme or reason, just random acts of vandalism, I guess it is sort of better in a way then targeted vandalism, but it's just so pointless, like these idiots couldn't find something better to do, like drink themselves stupid till they passed out, or smoked some pot to mellow them out, or smash beer cans on their heads. Always trying to keep my mind off all that mess by playing RPGs and watching TV shows and sports and fun stuff, cause if I let myself dwell on all the fear and hate, and discontentment in and with the world, I'd probably have to slit my wrists immediately.

So, I continue to surf fun sites, downloading an interview on the Addidas site of Ian Thorpe, he's so cute, and massively talented in the water. Not to mention he seems like a real genuine guy, nice to see in celebs, and athletes, cause not all are: Case in point Terrell Owens. The San Fran 49ers roster has been totally desimated by salary cap issues, but Terrell was one worth losing from the roster, even if it takes the next 4 years for the 9ers to make playoffs again. Although I was bummed when they didn't sign Jeff Garcia again, not like he's the most perfected QB in the leauge, but he rocks! And well, fireing Steve Mariucci (I think I spelt that wrong :p) the year before, I still say that was the most spectacular streak of stupitity that ever hit the 49er management... with that in mind, Go Lions! *LOL* That'll showum'.

This week is free trial week for the PE classes, so I'm gonna try and get myself to some of them, cause I really do need to get active and try and lose a little weight, it's starting to get sad, I had to go buy pants the other day, cause I only had one pair of pants left that fit me comfortably. Also thinking about making use of the open swim hours at the pool at the school. I haven't been swimming in probably like 5 years, and I miss not swimming. I'm not that great at it, but I always had fun. And I need active things to do that are also fun, which is why I'm not good at just sitting and doing crunches or push ups while watching TV, it's not fun.

Dreams Left Behind

The Olympics always bring up those feelings of dreams not persued, or dreams left half way. I'm sure it's because of my own childhood dreams of Olympic greatness when I was like 7 and 8 and was a gymnast, and actually pretty good at that point. Actual potential and everything. But at 11, I'd already had to cut back on training due to my mom's work, and then burnt out a bit, intended to take just a few months off, but never wound up going back. There are times still that I regret never going back, not so much because I could have been an Olympic gymnast, but because it was a lot of fun, and a great way to stay in shape. Now, nearly 15 years later, I feel out of shape, and inactive. I'm planning on looking into using the rec center at my school, and possibly taking like a yoga or dance class or something to have something active to do.

And then I think of my more current dreams, dreams I hope aren't as far off achievment as my Olympic dreams as a child were. Dreams of getting into something, preferably not the nightly news, where I get to use and work around a video camera. Fiction TV or film would rock, but like sports coverage would be cool too. I'm thinking about possibly doing a documentary on this kind of topic for my class this semester, looking at the dreams, past and present of people, and the reasons for wanting what they do, and for having given up on old dreams.

hmmm...