Thinking...

So tonight is a odd one, I started off by trying to have myself a little Harry Potter movie marathon when I flipped a channel and caught part of one on TV and then popped in the DVDs. I wound up sleeping through most of one and two though, and woke to watch three around 12:30 am and have also been online since. Now I'm actually sitting with my TV off for once, with music playing. Ingram Hill, I love this CD... but there is a definate longing to some of these songs... it's put my mind in an odd state. Although it was a place it was already headed anyway... I could tell this evening when at like 5pm I looked outside at the blue sky and sun, after days of grey and had the need to just go walk down to the book store for the sake of going outside. I have to admit, the grey of the last few days really got to me in an odd way. It also makes me really start to wonder how long I'll really be able to last in Portland. I don't mind some rain, and clouds.... but I do have a tendancy toward come March, if there isn't enough sun, I start to get depressed. And that joke from a Lou Black stand up starts to sound like a good idea.... then on the greyest day ever you think maybe you should cut your wrists just to see color... Now, I'm not in that state of mind right now... but I know I get that way sometimes... and while I do actually like it in November when the skys start to turn grey here in Northern California and the rain starts to fall... by Feburary I've generally had all I can take of the cold and the rain and the grey... and I'm ready for some sun, and the kind of sun that actually warms you up, not just the kind of sun that means it's going to be even colder than if it was raining buckets...

I just kinda started thinking while listening to the music and I guess feeling like as it always seems to go with me, things never will happen how I wanted them to... and the best I can really hope to get in reality is for things to just happen in a manner in which I can deal with them... I'm trying to find a quote or song, something to use for another entry on my LJ, but just can't seem to focus on anything... song to song, I get a feeling, but nothing I can seem to put into words, which is what sort of lead me here.

I've neglected so much online lately in an attempt to some how live a little, but the trouble sometimes with getting out a little, is that when I then end up cooped up in the house all day again I get restless to a point where I can't function how I normally would. From the time I got up till after my Harry Potter nap all I ate today was a mini ice cream sandwich, as small bowl of mac and cheese (cause I didn't have to make it), a cookie, and some blueberries... it wasn't very much food for what I normally will eat in a day... but it was one of those days where everytime I went into the kitchen and thought about eating, it kind of made me feel sick... I hate when the idea of food makes me feel sick...

I'm also thinking about Saturday too much and it's confusing me and fucking with my head... but then it seems like guys have tendancy to do that. Why is that... why is it that anything having to do with guys has to fuck my mind over like nothing else... it's really bloody obnoxious...

So, I know I'm all over the place with this entry, but, well.... fuck.... this is my journal, and I'll fuckin' ramble if I damn well please... HA!.... anyway... so I am turning 26 later this week... and thus my age offically will show I am closer to 30 than to 20 now... how weird is that... pretty weird if you ask me... I'm not really stressing on it or anything.... I just think it's a strange, strange thing... well, I'm not sure what else to say now... thinking I should try and sleep some more again...