Slacking...

I've started doing that ... thing even in my titles... that's a little screwy... but oh well :P

So, I've been slacking off in just about every manner imaginable this summer. I haven't been down to my intership in several weeks, I haven't done a whole lot in the finding a real job arena, the whole moving situation is completely in the air, I am up and online at 5:30am because I woke up at 11:30pm after my like 3rd nap of the day... I've been sleeping most of my days away, and whatever time I'm not asleep I'm doing errands like grocery shopping, or I'm playing some game on the computer while watching DVD marathons of my favorite TV shows... Yes, my life is lame right now... and I've become pretty appathetic about it all rather quickly... I wonder if it's a bad sign when you graduate from college and suddenly become appathetic about life?

We had a rather large power outtage in my city today, lasted for like 3 hours, was kinda strange... although i was sleeping through the first part of it...

I've been really slacking about online things too. I check my email fairly consistantly, cause I actually am online like at least several times a week, it's just usually after midnight here, and I sometimes don't even bother with turning on my messengers, no one's on them usually at that hour anyway... I haven't had a chat rpg in over a month. I've tried to turn up to Sacred a few times, but the few times I make it, only like one other person does. And from the sounds of it, there's only 4 of us left anyway... The only reason at this point that I haven't completely decided just to shut it down is strictly because of the players, Sarai, Anja, & Manny... cause they are cool people, and I like playing with them and talking with them... but I think my drive for the characters and stories themselves is pretty much effectively dead. Which is really kinda sad... it's been a slow death of them over the past year or so... I'm trying to decide if I want to try and make an effort to invest again in Sacred, or if I should just let it go and just make a point of trying to catch the people online at random times and just messege with them.

I still feel like my life is in chaos, but I feel less upset and anxious about it now... hence the appathy... but I'm not sure that that's actually a good thing. I kind of feel like I should still be more paniced about everything, but I can't seem to have the desire or energy to care...

Anyway... not sure what else to say right now... starting to feel repetitive... eh...

my little crisis...

Yeah, so, I think this whole thing, has evolved into something of a crisis. My crossroads crisis... my life crisis... I don't know... i'm really starting to freak out about this whole moving thing... but staying isn't any better. I feel like either way, i'm in for a shit load of change and an end result that ultimately I'm 'making do' with... I just feel so over whelmed, I don't even know how to go about finding a job in my field either place. I just feel completely lost, and uncertain of myself or anything... the only thing keeping me from like a complete meltdown right now I think is that I've still got a couple months left, I think, before I ultimately have to make a choice... course then I could make a choice and hate it... and be totally miserable and wished I'd made the other choice... jez, how the hell do people do this...?? People strike out on their own all the time. So why do I feel like I can't... People also move all the time, to completely new places where they know no one, so why do I feel like I can't...

I hate this... I honestly don't think I ever wanted to grow up... I was never one of those kids who was in some desperate rush to get older and move out. I mean here and there as a kid and teen I'd think and wonder where I'd be 10, 20 years later... but I never could see it very well... I never really could manage to picture my life after school... I never really considered what would happen, what could happen... and now I'm here... in that future spot, where it's now time to get a job, and be an adult and make money... but I'm still also living at home with my mom and brother... feeling not unlike i did when I was 12, or 15, or 18... and now I'm 26... and now... now, I just feel lost... I feel like i've gotten to the edge of that 'future vision' the end of where I could even picture myself being... I never saw myself as a full fledged adult, on my own, living away from my family... never... and maybe that's why it's so hard... I don't know...

But then I could just go, move to Portland where I know no one and stay with my family... but then there's a whole other set of fears, worries, and anxieties there... I'm still faced with the job search I don't even know how to begin... and then I'm also faced with the very real possiblity that I will be very much alone and aside from going to a job, locked away in my house for the first year or two there while I hopefully manage to make at least a friend with whom I can hang out with... because, it really honestly does take me at least a year to two years to become comfortably friends with someone...

Insecurities...

I have a lot of insecurities... they have a tendancy to rule my life actually. Sometimes I'll feel like for a brief time I'm starting to fight back at them, that perhaps I'm starting to make little steps toward over coming them, but it seems everytime I soon run into some circumstance that completely undoes any of the progress I make. I try and find some contentment on my own, in myself... but then when someone else starts to I guess take note of that, I start hoping for more than what I'm allowed by the forces of nature, and I inevitably get rejected, and all that contentment with myself I managed to get, vanishes and I have to start all over again. I'm really beginning to believe that I'm just not ment for 'love' or relationships... that I am one of those people who is just supposed to spend my life as a solitary creature...

Someone said to me today that 'everything happens for a reason'... and as such, it would seem to follow that because everytime I start to have hope that perhaps someone might be interested in a romantic sort of relationship with me, and I am interested in them too, their interest vanishes and I'm rejected, again... I think I said this before, like 7 or 8 months ago, and I'll say it again... Fate's little mind fuck... it keeps testing me to see if I've really learned the lesson yet... apparently I haven't... so I try again now to learn fate's little life lesson to me... and I'll try and remember the next time fate dangles a seemingly interested guy in front of me, that it's just fate's little mind fuck again, testing me to see if I've learned the lesson. Maybe next time I'll pass the test and just pass on by the bait...

Maybe next time I'll have learned to live with being alone... maybe there won't even be a next time... maybe that would be easier... or maybe it wouldn't be...

So I cut my hair...

I seem to have a tendancy toward cutting my hair in times of depression. It's like some desperate act to not have to see myself the same way as I did yesterday, in a hope of no longer feeling like myself, like the way I did yesterday... I had thought of it for a while now, since the weather turned warm, but had liked the longer (like shoulder length) my hair had gotten to... so I held off on it... then wonderland guy seemed to like it when it was down and not tied back in a ponytail, so I hesitated some more... and then I recalled a few years back (like the last time I was growing out a black hair dye job) when I let my hair grow really long, like half way down my back and thought it might be cool to grow it out again... but then I felt down, and I'm kind of doubting I'll even see wonderland again... and it's warm out, and, well, I bought a new box of hair dye (burgandy again) and well, it's just easier to dye when it's shorter...

plus, I wasn't really thinking when I cut it... I was playing Sims, and after 'changing looks' on one of my sims I got up, pulled out the sissors and started cutting... probably should have done it earlier today, or tomorrow, as I'd just showered like 5 hours earlier, and didn't feel like taking another one just to get the cut hairs off me, so I just turned on the hair dryer to cool and hopefully blew most of them off.

maybe it'll help me get away from this state of mind... or maybe I already think I still look just as bad as before... and, well... guys seem to like long hair, so, guess I won't be attracting any new guys to me... not that I would have before anyway, so it's not like that'll probably be of any consequence...

I can't seem to watch anything but Friends right now... it's the only thing that doesn't depress me further for one reason or another...

I'm kind of afraid my friends are sick of me now... that I'm just a big downer... I think everyone is avoiding me, but I guess who can blame them... I'm kind of a big permanent loser... in every way...

Stuff From Kris

Thanks for tagging me Kris, someone loves me this week at least... :)

Celeb Hot list
RULES:Name 10 celebrities that you find attractive and then tag 5 of your friends.

1. Sean Bean
2. Karl Urban
3. Hayden Christensen
4. Jared Padalecki
5. Ben MacKenzie
6. Julian McMahon
7. James Lafferty
8. Alex Band (the voice alone can melt you)
9. Josh Holloway
10. Adam Brody


5 Things List

Five people that I love who aren't family: Andrea, Apryl, Kris (I'm feeling loved since she tagged me), Sandy, Sarai... (there are actually a couple other gals, online and RL who I have some love for too, cause they've been there for me a bit also in the last year or more in some hard and good times)


Five things I can't live without: TV & DVD, my cats, computer, friends & family, a faint hint of hope


Five foods/beverages I love: orange juice, sugar, pizza, mango juice, blueberries


Five things that I have to always have with me: keys, licence, sunglasses, a little cash, watch


Five things I will always and forever hate: this guy James from high school who helped make those 4 years a living hell, stupid people who can't drive worth a damn, infomercials, and I'm afraid I may hate myself for holding onto hope that things will be brighter... yeah, um... I think the last one counts for at least two things...



And um... I don't know who's out there to tag... guess anyone who reads this who isn't Kris, who I took it from. :P

And so it goes...

I've discovered a pattern with me and guys who I'm interested in and who seem to for a brief time be interested in me... it's brief that they are interested. Wonderland guy is over it... he's not interested anymore...

And so I'm again recalling my thoughts from about 7 months ago, when the guy from my summer Hawaii class became just another guy I'd liked who I never had a shot in hell at. Fate just never meant me to have a relationship with a guy... it's just not meant to ever happen... maybe it's just fate's way of sparing all the guys out there of the mess that's me... or spareing them and me from the harsh reality, that I'm probably not cut out for love, and relationships anyway... I'd probably be horrible at it anyway... cause I'm not that good at most things... I'm not even good at being a person...

It seems that no matter what, or what kind of guy the guy is, once I show any interest in them, their interest in me vanishes within a few weeks. It's just an inevitable fact of me... and one I perhaps just need to fucking learn to accept and get over it. Just stop even hoping for that vague blue moon's chance in hell that I'll ever make that kind of connection with anyone, ever. Hell, my aunt as far as I know never married, or if she did it never lasted long, nor have any other men in her life, but she seems to be a fairly successful person, who spends her free time reading and hanging at the beach when she can, and stuff like that... just sucks when you realize at 26 that you'll never have what so many others have, love... especially when it seems to be something that truly makes people happier...

But then, maybe I honestly realized at about 14 years old, that I'm just not supposed to be a happy person... I'm just not...