Insecurities...

I have a lot of insecurities... they have a tendancy to rule my life actually. Sometimes I'll feel like for a brief time I'm starting to fight back at them, that perhaps I'm starting to make little steps toward over coming them, but it seems everytime I soon run into some circumstance that completely undoes any of the progress I make. I try and find some contentment on my own, in myself... but then when someone else starts to I guess take note of that, I start hoping for more than what I'm allowed by the forces of nature, and I inevitably get rejected, and all that contentment with myself I managed to get, vanishes and I have to start all over again. I'm really beginning to believe that I'm just not ment for 'love' or relationships... that I am one of those people who is just supposed to spend my life as a solitary creature...

Someone said to me today that 'everything happens for a reason'... and as such, it would seem to follow that because everytime I start to have hope that perhaps someone might be interested in a romantic sort of relationship with me, and I am interested in them too, their interest vanishes and I'm rejected, again... I think I said this before, like 7 or 8 months ago, and I'll say it again... Fate's little mind fuck... it keeps testing me to see if I've really learned the lesson yet... apparently I haven't... so I try again now to learn fate's little life lesson to me... and I'll try and remember the next time fate dangles a seemingly interested guy in front of me, that it's just fate's little mind fuck again, testing me to see if I've learned the lesson. Maybe next time I'll pass the test and just pass on by the bait...

Maybe next time I'll have learned to live with being alone... maybe there won't even be a next time... maybe that would be easier... or maybe it wouldn't be...