my little crisis...

Yeah, so, I think this whole thing, has evolved into something of a crisis. My crossroads crisis... my life crisis... I don't know... i'm really starting to freak out about this whole moving thing... but staying isn't any better. I feel like either way, i'm in for a shit load of change and an end result that ultimately I'm 'making do' with... I just feel so over whelmed, I don't even know how to go about finding a job in my field either place. I just feel completely lost, and uncertain of myself or anything... the only thing keeping me from like a complete meltdown right now I think is that I've still got a couple months left, I think, before I ultimately have to make a choice... course then I could make a choice and hate it... and be totally miserable and wished I'd made the other choice... jez, how the hell do people do this...?? People strike out on their own all the time. So why do I feel like I can't... People also move all the time, to completely new places where they know no one, so why do I feel like I can't...

I hate this... I honestly don't think I ever wanted to grow up... I was never one of those kids who was in some desperate rush to get older and move out. I mean here and there as a kid and teen I'd think and wonder where I'd be 10, 20 years later... but I never could see it very well... I never really could manage to picture my life after school... I never really considered what would happen, what could happen... and now I'm here... in that future spot, where it's now time to get a job, and be an adult and make money... but I'm still also living at home with my mom and brother... feeling not unlike i did when I was 12, or 15, or 18... and now I'm 26... and now... now, I just feel lost... I feel like i've gotten to the edge of that 'future vision' the end of where I could even picture myself being... I never saw myself as a full fledged adult, on my own, living away from my family... never... and maybe that's why it's so hard... I don't know...

But then I could just go, move to Portland where I know no one and stay with my family... but then there's a whole other set of fears, worries, and anxieties there... I'm still faced with the job search I don't even know how to begin... and then I'm also faced with the very real possiblity that I will be very much alone and aside from going to a job, locked away in my house for the first year or two there while I hopefully manage to make at least a friend with whom I can hang out with... because, it really honestly does take me at least a year to two years to become comfortably friends with someone...