Wrong Turn?

I don't know where I went wrong on this road. But I've been lost for a long time, I'm not even sure I'd recognize the right way if I was on it. I can only assume that only some roads lead to where I want to go, and that others have found their way down them somehow. So why can't I? What did I do wrong. I thought for years I was following all those key steps, but clearly I missed some along the way. Those paths that I was too scared to tread, or didn't seem all that important, turned out to be the ones I should have taken. But maybe those would have lead to someplace worse. Maybe I'd be even more lost had I gone another way. How the hell do I get where I'm trying to go when I've somehow strayed what seems like thousands of miles off the track? I can't resign myself to making the best of where I am, because I just might have to kill myself then. Some days I think maybe I'm not too old to still make it to where I want to be, but other days it seems hopelessly impossible. It all just seems so complicated, it all just seems so hard.

I was going to post this on an LJ community, but I couldn't work the prompt phrase in without it being forced. But it felt good to rant a little, so here it is, I'll just put it here. Cause I haven't in a while. I feel like I only come here now when I'm frustrated, and don't post regularly cause there isn't enough happening in my life... though I guess I could have spent the past weeks talking about my car issues. I'm now terrified every time I get in the car that it'll decide to not start, or worse, decide to stop 'going' while it's 'going. It sucks. Anyway... maybe I'll make a happier post someday.

Yeah, I suck, whatever

I keep meaning to keep up with blogging, but it kind of comes and goes. Right now, my brain hurts. :p Been writing fanfic, or trying to anyway. But the writer's block often gets in the way, and I sometimes go looking through sites, pages, forums looking for inspiration, how to get over the block, or something good to read to get the creativity going or something. But so often come away feeling drained, like now, where my head hurts. :p Anyway, that's it for now I think.

Life Sucks

I'm going to be pretty much pennyless by the end of the month. Which means no taking jobs that aren't here and paying for who knows how long. And if I have to get work that isn't temp here, then I'm stuck not even being able to go for those jobs. I hate it here, I hate my life. It all sucks. And I wonder what the hell I'm still doing here.

Make a plan

One of my friends said I need to set a goal, make a plan for moving to LA. Perhaps looking at by the time I'm 30 (which is a little over a year off), at least having things almost set for that. Having some money and a real plan and a time in the following months, before 2009 ends to be moved down there, living on my own. I'm still not sure how, and I still need money. Because right now, I have no real income, even if all I buy is a pretzel at Target while shopping cause I skipped breakfast, in a month, I've spent more than I've made. Because all I make in a month is about 60 cents in interest from my savings account, possibly less than that, I'm not really sure. But I know it's not even a dollar. I wish my temp service had more jobs for me, because I also want to be able to take any movie gigs in LA that I might apply for and be accepted for. But those pay very little to nothing at all, so that's not going to make me any money either. Plus there's a bit of expense in driving to LA, even with a place to stay for free. Which I might not be able to count on either. Most rents in LA seem to be 800 + for just a studio even, so I have to also have work down there when I move that will pay for that and other bills, plus the 'extras' like TV and internet, because those are a little necessary in my life. Just not sure how right now, it seems very daunting and almost impossible at times. Plus there's still the whole, my cat keeps getting sick every time I leave home for a few days thing. :p

Confusion

I wish I knew how to make this work. To get where I want, to be where I want. And without feeling like I'm making my cat sick or something. It's easy to settle back in with them. But that's why I want them to be happy. But I want to be happy too. In an ideal world, we'd all just up and move to LA and this whole thing would be easier. Not easy, but easier. I just don't know what to do. How to get those things I want without causing pain to those I care about, including my cats.

Driving around today, running errands and all that, I felt just out of it. The joy of the day has come from laughing at TV shows, being with my cats, and hanging around online. But I need a real joy and purpose in my life. Because those things are just kind of enough to keep me from just killing myself. But they don't make me feel actually happy in my life.

No Idea

I don't know how to get to what I want. I'm definitely not happy with my life as it is. All the work for what I want to do is in LA. However a lot of it doesn't pay. And even assuming I could figure out how to get down there and survive, making money, paying bills, and all that, it seems like it's just impossible. I went away again, just for a few days, not even a whole week, and my cat, who seemed to be getting better (she's been having a potty issue of some kind), got worse again when I went away. It seems like it was the same way the last time too. She was seeming better before I left, and got worse while I was gone. I'm starting to wonder if she's really sick, sick, or if my being gone is stressing her out and making her sick. Either way it's not good. But it kind of makes it impossible for me to leave if my cat is getting sick because I'm gone. Plus, I'm not sure anymore where to stay, as I think I've over stayed with my family down there. So to do temporary stays, I'd need to find others to stay with. It just feels like all my hopes and dreams were sucked away in a day, and now I feel shitty, and have no idea what to do. Like I don't even know why life is worth living anymore.

Pushing on

because if I don't, I might kill myself or something. :p I've put out some applications for jobs this past week, as well as emailing resumes to a few online listings. Not that I think I'll really even get contacted about most, but I've been avoiding trying to avoid rejection, I do that in most areas of my life. I don't try to avoid failure, but as a result, I'm failing life. There's things I want to do that I can't, I'm not allowed to, because I still live with my mom and can't seem to stop fucking listening to her. So, yeah, I'm feeling really trapped in my life, and I'm hoping for that little way out. That door to something more and better and something that will actually make me happy. Because, in all honesty, I don't recall the last time I could say I really felt happy. I mean, I've had 'happy moments', but they are moments. An event or something where I have a good time. Something mundane I do that I enjoy. But I mean big picture happy, like happy with my life as a whole, it's been a long time. I think maybe I was happy with my life as a whole when I was maybe 10 or something. But damn it, 18 years is a long fucking time to not be happy with one's life. And I need to change it. Before it kills me. Because something tells me that this sensation I've been walking around with for the last month or two where I just want to fucking scream all the time, probably not that healthy.

Been so long

Wow, it's really been ages since I last bothered to blog anything, on any blog of mine. Only thing that brought me over here today really was an old friend got herself a blog and sent me the addy. So I went to check it out and realized I wasn't sure I'd even blogged at all in 2006. Turns out I did, but only in January, which means it's been over a year. And, sadly not much has changed for me in that year. I'm pretty much in the same place. Though I'm perhaps just frustrated enough that I'm taking baby steps toward attempting to move forward, to do something more than nothing with my existence. I'm hoping it'll work out, that something really will work out and I'll start getting on with life.

Um, yeah...

So, two posts in a week, that's a lot for me these days. But I came home from my friend's house and suddenly just had a mood crash. Not fully sure why. But, yeah... not really even sure what else to say, other than I'm really cold right now. I'm like all bundled up with layers and blankets, but I'm really cold still.

Anyway, I really dont know what else to say...

Again and Again

Again, and again, why, because I seem to come back to the same thoughts, feelings, and frustrations again and again. Again, as usual, I've been really irratic about my blog. But whatever, that's okay, it's just a blog right. The point of it is to be my own outlet for whatever it is that's eating me or whatever that I just have to get out.

I'm feeling really fucking defeated again. It's been fucking eight months since I graduated college, and I've done shit. No job, not even like a fucking 'minimum wage, mall job' kind of thing. Granted I haven't gone looking a lot for the 'bagging grocerys' jobs. Cause that's not what I want, DAMN IT! That's not what I spent eight long fucking years in college for. I want A LOT fucking more than that. My mom is all like you need to go back to school and do something like managing a hotel or something. I DON'T EVER WANT TO DO THAT! Hell I think I'd rather bag grocerys. That just SOOO doesn't seem like something I would ever be remotely happy doing. And seeing as I'm not seeing any other areas of my life becoming rewarding and fullfilling anytime soon, you know, like love, and relationships and such. Yeah, that's so not happening. So what the fuck else do I have to make my life worth something to make it matter, to draw a little fucking joy from? Work. And I don't mind work if I like what I'm doing. However I suck at the finding a job part.

It doesn't help that I really don't feel like some of the people close to me, like my mother, even think I can ever actually do what I want to do, and maybe I don't either, and maybe that's the biggest problem. My faith in my own ability to be what I want was long ago smashed to pieces by most of the people that passed into or were part of my life. I know what I want, I just have no fucking idea how to go about getting it. I just feel really fucking lost and useless right now. I mean, I just really fucking realized a few days ago that in just 3 years I'm going to be fucking 30 years old! And what the fuck do I have to show for at this point, 26 and some years... a whole lot of NOTHING! I'm pretty much Nothing right now. And I HATE IT! I don't want to forever be nothing, accomplish nothing. Because then what the fuck is the point of anything.

Frustrated

With not a lot going on in my life, I guess I also haven't had much of a reason to say anything. Not that there's anything actually new going on, just feeling frustrated tonight. I really don't know what brought on the feeling, just sitting staring at the bloody computer screen and watching TV, all totally normal. But just feeling frustrated at what my life is, and that I still can't manage to even imagine it as anything more. Maybe I've just doomed myself to nothingness, cause that's all I can manage to see.

I look at pictures of other people and they all look so happy with their lives. I mean everyone has trying times, many more than mine. But they come back up, things get better. But it kind of seems like just a big straight line is what I amount to, a straight line going nowhere. I wonder how it is other people get where they get to. And often times it doesn't seem like they've done anything special, just gotten lucky. Right time, right place kind of moments made them what they are. But it seems I miss all the moments. I just don't know what to do... I don't know how to get what I want... it seems so futile. I know what I'd like... but it just seems so fucking impossible to get, that maybe I've given up already.

Space case

Dude, my brain is like just fried out tonight... for no real apparent reason either. Not like I really did much of anything today. My head just ain't functioning at normal capacity. Totally can't think worth a damn. Anyway... yeah, so that's what's what right now. Trying to post in RPGs and just can't think well enough to write more than a 3 sentence responce to most things. Hell, I think I've run out of brain function for this now... cause I don't know what else to say at the moment... :P bleh...

nothing...

Sometimes the reality just hits as to how truly pathetic my life is. I'm completely useless. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. I'm just a pathetic excuse for a person... no purpose, no drive, nothing... i'm nothing... i can't picture myself as anything other than what i am now... which is nothing...

I so need a job

I'm like a nothing now, I do nothing. I have no actual life. It's pathetic. I so need to get a job. Not really up for deep thoughts right now, but had to get that out. Feeling kinda worthless at the moment.

I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

So, it's been a month, again... I guess with so little going on, I don't have a whole lot to blog about... but I miss it, and I think in order to try and get back into it I'm going to create another new 'specialty' blog for memes. I recently, like about a half hour ago *L* found this 'weekly meme' site thing where it gives a bunch of questions to anwer.

As for what's happening, not much. Apryl's at her parents now for October, so I'm gonna check and see if there's still any decent flights up there. Been hanging out at Andrea's almost weekly still. Gotten hooked into a bunch of new shows this season, as well as keeping onto all the old ones. Have I mentioned I love TV. I'm still thinking of trying to do like a websoap kind of thing. Since I'm not doing a lot of RPGing these days. Although I am going to join up a Buffy/Angel RPG soon on the Buffy/Angel boards.

randomness not even worthy of upper case letters

So, not much different from the last time... still sitting, watching DVDs and wondering 'what the hell'... not to anything in particular, just generally (the 'what the hell' thought I mean). Yeah, so I'm kinda just rambling, cause I've really been neglecting the whole journal thing pretty much since the start of summer... and really, really since July when my summer became nothing but running errands and watching DVDs... It's weird to know that school started up this week, and yet, I didn't have to go to school... it's kinda strange... and I really have to get to finding a job. The whole Hawaii idea is kinda on hold, like probably won't happen till spring time, if it happens at all... though we may find something cool to do Thanksgiving week, like a little trip down the coast or something like that. Anyway, so I bought some DVDs and a CD today and watched a bunch of The OC, season 2. And that was pretty much the highlight of my day...

It's funny the times that you start to consider the consistancy of your life. I was sitting and watching The OC and watching all the relationship drama of it, and then seeing my friend and her husband (who tend to grip at each other a lot, but are also super cute and lovey, seems to be a good balance for them)... but also they are very attached, which probably isn't a bad thing, and not something that I have any issue with, other than to think that I don't know that I could handle a relationship like that. Where they go practically everywhere together, and don't even like running errands alone it seems unless the other is at work. But if they are both off work, then they are pretty much always together. And then all the drama in both scripted shows like The OC and 'reality' based shows that goes on in relationships... it's weird, there are times I think I'd like a relationship, and there are things about having a boyfriend that I find appealing, but then there are also things that I really wonder if I'll ever be able to deal with, and I really have to wonder if I am perhaps just one of those people who is meant to be permenently single. Perhaps a relationship is just not something I'd even be able to function in...

Eh... anyway... that's probably enough thought for 1am...

Still slacking...

and still unemployed... but I'm thinking I'll just get some job bagging grocerys or something so I have some money, and I can maybe go to Hawaii in December with my friends. And then if I can't get time off, it's not a big deal if I just quit. I went down to my internship finally and did some work, and I think I'll be helping out there this coming semester, so that I can keep up doing what I want to do, continued to gain experience and build a portfolio and have referances for later jobs. Plus, there's some very cool people there. :) I'm getting more relaxed now that the whole moving thing is likely not gonna happen for like a year now...


So, yeah... Saw "The Island" a few days ago and really enjoyed it. Scarlett and Ewan were great as usual, and Sean Bean, well, he's hot as ever, and just wonderfully, and deliciously nasty in it. He's just so good at being bad. *LOL*

Pretty much been spending my time running errands, hanging out with my friend Andrea, and sitting around at home watching DVDs. Yeah, kinda boring... kinda static... hoping to push forward some soon though. I'm also getting a move on reshooting my movie with some actual actresses, hopefully it should be good. :)

Slacking...

I've started doing that ... thing even in my titles... that's a little screwy... but oh well :P

So, I've been slacking off in just about every manner imaginable this summer. I haven't been down to my intership in several weeks, I haven't done a whole lot in the finding a real job arena, the whole moving situation is completely in the air, I am up and online at 5:30am because I woke up at 11:30pm after my like 3rd nap of the day... I've been sleeping most of my days away, and whatever time I'm not asleep I'm doing errands like grocery shopping, or I'm playing some game on the computer while watching DVD marathons of my favorite TV shows... Yes, my life is lame right now... and I've become pretty appathetic about it all rather quickly... I wonder if it's a bad sign when you graduate from college and suddenly become appathetic about life?

We had a rather large power outtage in my city today, lasted for like 3 hours, was kinda strange... although i was sleeping through the first part of it...

I've been really slacking about online things too. I check my email fairly consistantly, cause I actually am online like at least several times a week, it's just usually after midnight here, and I sometimes don't even bother with turning on my messengers, no one's on them usually at that hour anyway... I haven't had a chat rpg in over a month. I've tried to turn up to Sacred a few times, but the few times I make it, only like one other person does. And from the sounds of it, there's only 4 of us left anyway... The only reason at this point that I haven't completely decided just to shut it down is strictly because of the players, Sarai, Anja, & Manny... cause they are cool people, and I like playing with them and talking with them... but I think my drive for the characters and stories themselves is pretty much effectively dead. Which is really kinda sad... it's been a slow death of them over the past year or so... I'm trying to decide if I want to try and make an effort to invest again in Sacred, or if I should just let it go and just make a point of trying to catch the people online at random times and just messege with them.

I still feel like my life is in chaos, but I feel less upset and anxious about it now... hence the appathy... but I'm not sure that that's actually a good thing. I kind of feel like I should still be more paniced about everything, but I can't seem to have the desire or energy to care...

Anyway... not sure what else to say right now... starting to feel repetitive... eh...

my little crisis...

Yeah, so, I think this whole thing, has evolved into something of a crisis. My crossroads crisis... my life crisis... I don't know... i'm really starting to freak out about this whole moving thing... but staying isn't any better. I feel like either way, i'm in for a shit load of change and an end result that ultimately I'm 'making do' with... I just feel so over whelmed, I don't even know how to go about finding a job in my field either place. I just feel completely lost, and uncertain of myself or anything... the only thing keeping me from like a complete meltdown right now I think is that I've still got a couple months left, I think, before I ultimately have to make a choice... course then I could make a choice and hate it... and be totally miserable and wished I'd made the other choice... jez, how the hell do people do this...?? People strike out on their own all the time. So why do I feel like I can't... People also move all the time, to completely new places where they know no one, so why do I feel like I can't...

I hate this... I honestly don't think I ever wanted to grow up... I was never one of those kids who was in some desperate rush to get older and move out. I mean here and there as a kid and teen I'd think and wonder where I'd be 10, 20 years later... but I never could see it very well... I never really could manage to picture my life after school... I never really considered what would happen, what could happen... and now I'm here... in that future spot, where it's now time to get a job, and be an adult and make money... but I'm still also living at home with my mom and brother... feeling not unlike i did when I was 12, or 15, or 18... and now I'm 26... and now... now, I just feel lost... I feel like i've gotten to the edge of that 'future vision' the end of where I could even picture myself being... I never saw myself as a full fledged adult, on my own, living away from my family... never... and maybe that's why it's so hard... I don't know...

But then I could just go, move to Portland where I know no one and stay with my family... but then there's a whole other set of fears, worries, and anxieties there... I'm still faced with the job search I don't even know how to begin... and then I'm also faced with the very real possiblity that I will be very much alone and aside from going to a job, locked away in my house for the first year or two there while I hopefully manage to make at least a friend with whom I can hang out with... because, it really honestly does take me at least a year to two years to become comfortably friends with someone...

Insecurities...

I have a lot of insecurities... they have a tendancy to rule my life actually. Sometimes I'll feel like for a brief time I'm starting to fight back at them, that perhaps I'm starting to make little steps toward over coming them, but it seems everytime I soon run into some circumstance that completely undoes any of the progress I make. I try and find some contentment on my own, in myself... but then when someone else starts to I guess take note of that, I start hoping for more than what I'm allowed by the forces of nature, and I inevitably get rejected, and all that contentment with myself I managed to get, vanishes and I have to start all over again. I'm really beginning to believe that I'm just not ment for 'love' or relationships... that I am one of those people who is just supposed to spend my life as a solitary creature...

Someone said to me today that 'everything happens for a reason'... and as such, it would seem to follow that because everytime I start to have hope that perhaps someone might be interested in a romantic sort of relationship with me, and I am interested in them too, their interest vanishes and I'm rejected, again... I think I said this before, like 7 or 8 months ago, and I'll say it again... Fate's little mind fuck... it keeps testing me to see if I've really learned the lesson yet... apparently I haven't... so I try again now to learn fate's little life lesson to me... and I'll try and remember the next time fate dangles a seemingly interested guy in front of me, that it's just fate's little mind fuck again, testing me to see if I've learned the lesson. Maybe next time I'll pass the test and just pass on by the bait...

Maybe next time I'll have learned to live with being alone... maybe there won't even be a next time... maybe that would be easier... or maybe it wouldn't be...