Pushing on

because if I don't, I might kill myself or something. :p I've put out some applications for jobs this past week, as well as emailing resumes to a few online listings. Not that I think I'll really even get contacted about most, but I've been avoiding trying to avoid rejection, I do that in most areas of my life. I don't try to avoid failure, but as a result, I'm failing life. There's things I want to do that I can't, I'm not allowed to, because I still live with my mom and can't seem to stop fucking listening to her. So, yeah, I'm feeling really trapped in my life, and I'm hoping for that little way out. That door to something more and better and something that will actually make me happy. Because, in all honesty, I don't recall the last time I could say I really felt happy. I mean, I've had 'happy moments', but they are moments. An event or something where I have a good time. Something mundane I do that I enjoy. But I mean big picture happy, like happy with my life as a whole, it's been a long time. I think maybe I was happy with my life as a whole when I was maybe 10 or something. But damn it, 18 years is a long fucking time to not be happy with one's life. And I need to change it. Before it kills me. Because something tells me that this sensation I've been walking around with for the last month or two where I just want to fucking scream all the time, probably not that healthy.

Been so long

Wow, it's really been ages since I last bothered to blog anything, on any blog of mine. Only thing that brought me over here today really was an old friend got herself a blog and sent me the addy. So I went to check it out and realized I wasn't sure I'd even blogged at all in 2006. Turns out I did, but only in January, which means it's been over a year. And, sadly not much has changed for me in that year. I'm pretty much in the same place. Though I'm perhaps just frustrated enough that I'm taking baby steps toward attempting to move forward, to do something more than nothing with my existence. I'm hoping it'll work out, that something really will work out and I'll start getting on with life.

Um, yeah...

So, two posts in a week, that's a lot for me these days. But I came home from my friend's house and suddenly just had a mood crash. Not fully sure why. But, yeah... not really even sure what else to say, other than I'm really cold right now. I'm like all bundled up with layers and blankets, but I'm really cold still.

Anyway, I really dont know what else to say...

Again and Again

Again, and again, why, because I seem to come back to the same thoughts, feelings, and frustrations again and again. Again, as usual, I've been really irratic about my blog. But whatever, that's okay, it's just a blog right. The point of it is to be my own outlet for whatever it is that's eating me or whatever that I just have to get out.

I'm feeling really fucking defeated again. It's been fucking eight months since I graduated college, and I've done shit. No job, not even like a fucking 'minimum wage, mall job' kind of thing. Granted I haven't gone looking a lot for the 'bagging grocerys' jobs. Cause that's not what I want, DAMN IT! That's not what I spent eight long fucking years in college for. I want A LOT fucking more than that. My mom is all like you need to go back to school and do something like managing a hotel or something. I DON'T EVER WANT TO DO THAT! Hell I think I'd rather bag grocerys. That just SOOO doesn't seem like something I would ever be remotely happy doing. And seeing as I'm not seeing any other areas of my life becoming rewarding and fullfilling anytime soon, you know, like love, and relationships and such. Yeah, that's so not happening. So what the fuck else do I have to make my life worth something to make it matter, to draw a little fucking joy from? Work. And I don't mind work if I like what I'm doing. However I suck at the finding a job part.

It doesn't help that I really don't feel like some of the people close to me, like my mother, even think I can ever actually do what I want to do, and maybe I don't either, and maybe that's the biggest problem. My faith in my own ability to be what I want was long ago smashed to pieces by most of the people that passed into or were part of my life. I know what I want, I just have no fucking idea how to go about getting it. I just feel really fucking lost and useless right now. I mean, I just really fucking realized a few days ago that in just 3 years I'm going to be fucking 30 years old! And what the fuck do I have to show for at this point, 26 and some years... a whole lot of NOTHING! I'm pretty much Nothing right now. And I HATE IT! I don't want to forever be nothing, accomplish nothing. Because then what the fuck is the point of anything.

Frustrated

With not a lot going on in my life, I guess I also haven't had much of a reason to say anything. Not that there's anything actually new going on, just feeling frustrated tonight. I really don't know what brought on the feeling, just sitting staring at the bloody computer screen and watching TV, all totally normal. But just feeling frustrated at what my life is, and that I still can't manage to even imagine it as anything more. Maybe I've just doomed myself to nothingness, cause that's all I can manage to see.

I look at pictures of other people and they all look so happy with their lives. I mean everyone has trying times, many more than mine. But they come back up, things get better. But it kind of seems like just a big straight line is what I amount to, a straight line going nowhere. I wonder how it is other people get where they get to. And often times it doesn't seem like they've done anything special, just gotten lucky. Right time, right place kind of moments made them what they are. But it seems I miss all the moments. I just don't know what to do... I don't know how to get what I want... it seems so futile. I know what I'd like... but it just seems so fucking impossible to get, that maybe I've given up already.

Space case

Dude, my brain is like just fried out tonight... for no real apparent reason either. Not like I really did much of anything today. My head just ain't functioning at normal capacity. Totally can't think worth a damn. Anyway... yeah, so that's what's what right now. Trying to post in RPGs and just can't think well enough to write more than a 3 sentence responce to most things. Hell, I think I've run out of brain function for this now... cause I don't know what else to say at the moment... :P bleh...

nothing...

Sometimes the reality just hits as to how truly pathetic my life is. I'm completely useless. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. I'm just a pathetic excuse for a person... no purpose, no drive, nothing... i'm nothing... i can't picture myself as anything other than what i am now... which is nothing...

I so need a job

I'm like a nothing now, I do nothing. I have no actual life. It's pathetic. I so need to get a job. Not really up for deep thoughts right now, but had to get that out. Feeling kinda worthless at the moment.

I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

So, it's been a month, again... I guess with so little going on, I don't have a whole lot to blog about... but I miss it, and I think in order to try and get back into it I'm going to create another new 'specialty' blog for memes. I recently, like about a half hour ago *L* found this 'weekly meme' site thing where it gives a bunch of questions to anwer.

As for what's happening, not much. Apryl's at her parents now for October, so I'm gonna check and see if there's still any decent flights up there. Been hanging out at Andrea's almost weekly still. Gotten hooked into a bunch of new shows this season, as well as keeping onto all the old ones. Have I mentioned I love TV. I'm still thinking of trying to do like a websoap kind of thing. Since I'm not doing a lot of RPGing these days. Although I am going to join up a Buffy/Angel RPG soon on the Buffy/Angel boards.

randomness not even worthy of upper case letters

So, not much different from the last time... still sitting, watching DVDs and wondering 'what the hell'... not to anything in particular, just generally (the 'what the hell' thought I mean). Yeah, so I'm kinda just rambling, cause I've really been neglecting the whole journal thing pretty much since the start of summer... and really, really since July when my summer became nothing but running errands and watching DVDs... It's weird to know that school started up this week, and yet, I didn't have to go to school... it's kinda strange... and I really have to get to finding a job. The whole Hawaii idea is kinda on hold, like probably won't happen till spring time, if it happens at all... though we may find something cool to do Thanksgiving week, like a little trip down the coast or something like that. Anyway, so I bought some DVDs and a CD today and watched a bunch of The OC, season 2. And that was pretty much the highlight of my day...

It's funny the times that you start to consider the consistancy of your life. I was sitting and watching The OC and watching all the relationship drama of it, and then seeing my friend and her husband (who tend to grip at each other a lot, but are also super cute and lovey, seems to be a good balance for them)... but also they are very attached, which probably isn't a bad thing, and not something that I have any issue with, other than to think that I don't know that I could handle a relationship like that. Where they go practically everywhere together, and don't even like running errands alone it seems unless the other is at work. But if they are both off work, then they are pretty much always together. And then all the drama in both scripted shows like The OC and 'reality' based shows that goes on in relationships... it's weird, there are times I think I'd like a relationship, and there are things about having a boyfriend that I find appealing, but then there are also things that I really wonder if I'll ever be able to deal with, and I really have to wonder if I am perhaps just one of those people who is meant to be permenently single. Perhaps a relationship is just not something I'd even be able to function in...

Eh... anyway... that's probably enough thought for 1am...

Still slacking...

and still unemployed... but I'm thinking I'll just get some job bagging grocerys or something so I have some money, and I can maybe go to Hawaii in December with my friends. And then if I can't get time off, it's not a big deal if I just quit. I went down to my internship finally and did some work, and I think I'll be helping out there this coming semester, so that I can keep up doing what I want to do, continued to gain experience and build a portfolio and have referances for later jobs. Plus, there's some very cool people there. :) I'm getting more relaxed now that the whole moving thing is likely not gonna happen for like a year now...


So, yeah... Saw "The Island" a few days ago and really enjoyed it. Scarlett and Ewan were great as usual, and Sean Bean, well, he's hot as ever, and just wonderfully, and deliciously nasty in it. He's just so good at being bad. *LOL*

Pretty much been spending my time running errands, hanging out with my friend Andrea, and sitting around at home watching DVDs. Yeah, kinda boring... kinda static... hoping to push forward some soon though. I'm also getting a move on reshooting my movie with some actual actresses, hopefully it should be good. :)

Slacking...

I've started doing that ... thing even in my titles... that's a little screwy... but oh well :P

So, I've been slacking off in just about every manner imaginable this summer. I haven't been down to my intership in several weeks, I haven't done a whole lot in the finding a real job arena, the whole moving situation is completely in the air, I am up and online at 5:30am because I woke up at 11:30pm after my like 3rd nap of the day... I've been sleeping most of my days away, and whatever time I'm not asleep I'm doing errands like grocery shopping, or I'm playing some game on the computer while watching DVD marathons of my favorite TV shows... Yes, my life is lame right now... and I've become pretty appathetic about it all rather quickly... I wonder if it's a bad sign when you graduate from college and suddenly become appathetic about life?

We had a rather large power outtage in my city today, lasted for like 3 hours, was kinda strange... although i was sleeping through the first part of it...

I've been really slacking about online things too. I check my email fairly consistantly, cause I actually am online like at least several times a week, it's just usually after midnight here, and I sometimes don't even bother with turning on my messengers, no one's on them usually at that hour anyway... I haven't had a chat rpg in over a month. I've tried to turn up to Sacred a few times, but the few times I make it, only like one other person does. And from the sounds of it, there's only 4 of us left anyway... The only reason at this point that I haven't completely decided just to shut it down is strictly because of the players, Sarai, Anja, & Manny... cause they are cool people, and I like playing with them and talking with them... but I think my drive for the characters and stories themselves is pretty much effectively dead. Which is really kinda sad... it's been a slow death of them over the past year or so... I'm trying to decide if I want to try and make an effort to invest again in Sacred, or if I should just let it go and just make a point of trying to catch the people online at random times and just messege with them.

I still feel like my life is in chaos, but I feel less upset and anxious about it now... hence the appathy... but I'm not sure that that's actually a good thing. I kind of feel like I should still be more paniced about everything, but I can't seem to have the desire or energy to care...

Anyway... not sure what else to say right now... starting to feel repetitive... eh...

my little crisis...

Yeah, so, I think this whole thing, has evolved into something of a crisis. My crossroads crisis... my life crisis... I don't know... i'm really starting to freak out about this whole moving thing... but staying isn't any better. I feel like either way, i'm in for a shit load of change and an end result that ultimately I'm 'making do' with... I just feel so over whelmed, I don't even know how to go about finding a job in my field either place. I just feel completely lost, and uncertain of myself or anything... the only thing keeping me from like a complete meltdown right now I think is that I've still got a couple months left, I think, before I ultimately have to make a choice... course then I could make a choice and hate it... and be totally miserable and wished I'd made the other choice... jez, how the hell do people do this...?? People strike out on their own all the time. So why do I feel like I can't... People also move all the time, to completely new places where they know no one, so why do I feel like I can't...

I hate this... I honestly don't think I ever wanted to grow up... I was never one of those kids who was in some desperate rush to get older and move out. I mean here and there as a kid and teen I'd think and wonder where I'd be 10, 20 years later... but I never could see it very well... I never really could manage to picture my life after school... I never really considered what would happen, what could happen... and now I'm here... in that future spot, where it's now time to get a job, and be an adult and make money... but I'm still also living at home with my mom and brother... feeling not unlike i did when I was 12, or 15, or 18... and now I'm 26... and now... now, I just feel lost... I feel like i've gotten to the edge of that 'future vision' the end of where I could even picture myself being... I never saw myself as a full fledged adult, on my own, living away from my family... never... and maybe that's why it's so hard... I don't know...

But then I could just go, move to Portland where I know no one and stay with my family... but then there's a whole other set of fears, worries, and anxieties there... I'm still faced with the job search I don't even know how to begin... and then I'm also faced with the very real possiblity that I will be very much alone and aside from going to a job, locked away in my house for the first year or two there while I hopefully manage to make at least a friend with whom I can hang out with... because, it really honestly does take me at least a year to two years to become comfortably friends with someone...

Insecurities...

I have a lot of insecurities... they have a tendancy to rule my life actually. Sometimes I'll feel like for a brief time I'm starting to fight back at them, that perhaps I'm starting to make little steps toward over coming them, but it seems everytime I soon run into some circumstance that completely undoes any of the progress I make. I try and find some contentment on my own, in myself... but then when someone else starts to I guess take note of that, I start hoping for more than what I'm allowed by the forces of nature, and I inevitably get rejected, and all that contentment with myself I managed to get, vanishes and I have to start all over again. I'm really beginning to believe that I'm just not ment for 'love' or relationships... that I am one of those people who is just supposed to spend my life as a solitary creature...

Someone said to me today that 'everything happens for a reason'... and as such, it would seem to follow that because everytime I start to have hope that perhaps someone might be interested in a romantic sort of relationship with me, and I am interested in them too, their interest vanishes and I'm rejected, again... I think I said this before, like 7 or 8 months ago, and I'll say it again... Fate's little mind fuck... it keeps testing me to see if I've really learned the lesson yet... apparently I haven't... so I try again now to learn fate's little life lesson to me... and I'll try and remember the next time fate dangles a seemingly interested guy in front of me, that it's just fate's little mind fuck again, testing me to see if I've learned the lesson. Maybe next time I'll pass the test and just pass on by the bait...

Maybe next time I'll have learned to live with being alone... maybe there won't even be a next time... maybe that would be easier... or maybe it wouldn't be...

So I cut my hair...

I seem to have a tendancy toward cutting my hair in times of depression. It's like some desperate act to not have to see myself the same way as I did yesterday, in a hope of no longer feeling like myself, like the way I did yesterday... I had thought of it for a while now, since the weather turned warm, but had liked the longer (like shoulder length) my hair had gotten to... so I held off on it... then wonderland guy seemed to like it when it was down and not tied back in a ponytail, so I hesitated some more... and then I recalled a few years back (like the last time I was growing out a black hair dye job) when I let my hair grow really long, like half way down my back and thought it might be cool to grow it out again... but then I felt down, and I'm kind of doubting I'll even see wonderland again... and it's warm out, and, well, I bought a new box of hair dye (burgandy again) and well, it's just easier to dye when it's shorter...

plus, I wasn't really thinking when I cut it... I was playing Sims, and after 'changing looks' on one of my sims I got up, pulled out the sissors and started cutting... probably should have done it earlier today, or tomorrow, as I'd just showered like 5 hours earlier, and didn't feel like taking another one just to get the cut hairs off me, so I just turned on the hair dryer to cool and hopefully blew most of them off.

maybe it'll help me get away from this state of mind... or maybe I already think I still look just as bad as before... and, well... guys seem to like long hair, so, guess I won't be attracting any new guys to me... not that I would have before anyway, so it's not like that'll probably be of any consequence...

I can't seem to watch anything but Friends right now... it's the only thing that doesn't depress me further for one reason or another...

I'm kind of afraid my friends are sick of me now... that I'm just a big downer... I think everyone is avoiding me, but I guess who can blame them... I'm kind of a big permanent loser... in every way...

Stuff From Kris

Thanks for tagging me Kris, someone loves me this week at least... :)

Celeb Hot list
RULES:Name 10 celebrities that you find attractive and then tag 5 of your friends.

1. Sean Bean
2. Karl Urban
3. Hayden Christensen
4. Jared Padalecki
5. Ben MacKenzie
6. Julian McMahon
7. James Lafferty
8. Alex Band (the voice alone can melt you)
9. Josh Holloway
10. Adam Brody


5 Things List

Five people that I love who aren't family: Andrea, Apryl, Kris (I'm feeling loved since she tagged me), Sandy, Sarai... (there are actually a couple other gals, online and RL who I have some love for too, cause they've been there for me a bit also in the last year or more in some hard and good times)


Five things I can't live without: TV & DVD, my cats, computer, friends & family, a faint hint of hope


Five foods/beverages I love: orange juice, sugar, pizza, mango juice, blueberries


Five things that I have to always have with me: keys, licence, sunglasses, a little cash, watch


Five things I will always and forever hate: this guy James from high school who helped make those 4 years a living hell, stupid people who can't drive worth a damn, infomercials, and I'm afraid I may hate myself for holding onto hope that things will be brighter... yeah, um... I think the last one counts for at least two things...



And um... I don't know who's out there to tag... guess anyone who reads this who isn't Kris, who I took it from. :P

And so it goes...

I've discovered a pattern with me and guys who I'm interested in and who seem to for a brief time be interested in me... it's brief that they are interested. Wonderland guy is over it... he's not interested anymore...

And so I'm again recalling my thoughts from about 7 months ago, when the guy from my summer Hawaii class became just another guy I'd liked who I never had a shot in hell at. Fate just never meant me to have a relationship with a guy... it's just not meant to ever happen... maybe it's just fate's way of sparing all the guys out there of the mess that's me... or spareing them and me from the harsh reality, that I'm probably not cut out for love, and relationships anyway... I'd probably be horrible at it anyway... cause I'm not that good at most things... I'm not even good at being a person...

It seems that no matter what, or what kind of guy the guy is, once I show any interest in them, their interest in me vanishes within a few weeks. It's just an inevitable fact of me... and one I perhaps just need to fucking learn to accept and get over it. Just stop even hoping for that vague blue moon's chance in hell that I'll ever make that kind of connection with anyone, ever. Hell, my aunt as far as I know never married, or if she did it never lasted long, nor have any other men in her life, but she seems to be a fairly successful person, who spends her free time reading and hanging at the beach when she can, and stuff like that... just sucks when you realize at 26 that you'll never have what so many others have, love... especially when it seems to be something that truly makes people happier...

But then, maybe I honestly realized at about 14 years old, that I'm just not supposed to be a happy person... I'm just not...

Little More Than Expected

Well, so I was expecting today to call my friend and go over to her house and watch some more of The OC, and then Farscape when her husband came home. And when I called her I got more than I expected. She very cheerfully asked me to 'guess who was coming'. *L* Well, her brothers are apparently bumming around in town at her house till Thursday night. So, well, we had like an hour and a half or so maybe before her brothers turned up, and wonderland guy and I got a little cozy again. T'was fun... even got a little bit of a kiss out of it at the end of the night. *LOL* So, yeah I may be hanging out there again tomorrow...

On another note, I exchanged some greetings on myspace with an old casual friend from high school who after some very interesting things is in town again, and he asked if I'd like to hang out some time. So, I'm excited about that maybe happening, I haven't seen him since high school (that's 8 years now), but he was always a really cool, funny dude, who was always fun to have classes with. He was one of those sorts of people who had a tendancy to just make class time more interesting, so it would be really cool to grab coffee or something to eat with him sometime soon and just catch up on the last 8 years. :)

Last week was kinda lame (at least from like Thursday on), and so far, this week is looking to be a little bit more interesting and fun, so that's good.

Yet another one of those survey thingys

This one was stolen from Kris' LJ... :)

(Hey Kris! Haven't seen you around much, but I hope the arm is doing better.)


THE FACTS
Name: Meg
Age: 26
Birthday: June 1979
Birth Day: Not sure what day of the week it was
Birth Place: California

OPINIONS (off hand thinking in the wee AM hours)
Most Talented Actor: Robert Downey Jr.
Best Looking Actor: Sean Bean
Most Undervalued Actor: Sean Bean (All america can seem to hire him for is bad guys, and he's capable of so much more)
Most Talented Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Looking Actress: Katherine Heigl
Most Undervalued Actress: Don't know...
Best Director: Joss Whedon
Best Writer: if movies and TV probably same as above, if we're talking books too... Francesca Lia Block

FAVORITES
Color: Blue & Black
Number: 10
Artist: like musical? or what? musical I'll say Michelle Branch off hand
Band: The Calling
Movie: Home For the Holidays (it's a movie I've seen a zillion times and could watch a zillion more... and there's some WONDERFUL actors in it, including the late Anne Bancroft who is wonderful.)
Book: I was a Teenage Fairy
TV Show: oh, there are so many... "Lost" rocks something fierce though...

SHOCKER....(what No one Knows!)
Artist You Like: don't know... lots :P
Band You Like: Papa Roach (cause I probably don't look like I listen to that hard a music much...)
Actor You Like: Don't know who that no one would know???
Actress You Like: I loved the late Anne Bancroft, she was a wonderful, funny actress and I was sad when I learned she'd died.
Movie You Like: Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen Movies :)
TV Show You Like: The OC (not that plenty of people don't love it... and not sure that it's really all that shocking that I like it... but whatever...)

Of the moment...
Quote: "Shit dude..." (what the hell else am I supposed to have on my mind at 6am? I'm going to bed, will finish this survey later... *L*)
Crazy Song: don't know....
Male Name: Nathan
Female Name: Isabelle
Celebrity Crush Male: Sean Bean, Karl Urban, there are just so many...
Celebrity Crush Female: Katherine Heigl... she's just fucking beautiful... I'm definatly more into guys, but I would not be opposed to kissing that girl, or looking like her, she's beautiful...

THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD
3 Friends: Andrea, Apryl, Holly
Ex-Crush: Drew
3 Movies: Legally Blonde, Blue Crush (I think cause we were talking about crushes *L*), The Ref
3 Brands: Kraft, Guess, Mead
Fast Food: Wendys
3 Days: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday
3 Cancelled Shows: Point Pleasant, Tru Calling, Roswell

GIVE UP!
If you could tell one person anything who and what would it be? I don't know...
One thing you think was "stolen" from you and by who... of course.: Um... I don't know...
Five People You're Glad You Had This Year and Why: I don't think I can pick just five... I think just about everyone I knew and saw this year and had any interaction beyond 'hello' with had some kind of impact on me...

Rambling... it's the one thing I'm good at...

Well, my mood has definatly crashed again... started a couple days ago, and has just kind of floated in this funk. Didn't help that today the sun was like no where to be seen... not that I even stepped outside my front door... nor yesterday... haven't been out of my PJs since like before noon on Thursday, except to take a couple showers and get into clean PJs. Made myself a new mix CD of a lot of those songs where I really like one or two on an album, and don't really listen to the rest of the CD much... mostly... been listening to it for a few hours now... just repeating...

I was supposed to go out tonight and go see a band at this club that I haven't been to see since last summer, and it was gonna be really cool cause my birthday was this week... so it was going to be almost like getting to do something fun around my birthday, which I haven't done in some time... but, well, apparently it was not to be... my friend got sick... I made a desperate attempt to phone a couple other friends in hopes of doing something, anything fun tonight,... but that was not to be either it would seem... since it's now after 1:30 am, and the night is pretty much over now... oh well, I suppose... that's just how it is... my birthday just isn't something to be celebrated anymore anyway... so it's probably for the best...

So, I've spent the day on and off sleeping, feeling depressed, and occationally letting slip a few tears... actually that's how I've spent the last 3 days... and probably what I'll be doing for the next two days also... Tuesday maybe I'll get out to my internship, just to break the cycle... spend a few hours behind the computer at school, cutting up video clips, and prepping them for being burned to DVDs... that's about the highlight of my life right now... the notion of going down to the school to do that... it means there's a chance I'll bump into other people who aren't my family, and perhaps by then the sun will return also... I don't know what's with these grey days, but they are really getting to me...

One of the saddest songs I think I've ever heard just started playing... even in a good mood it makes me want to cry... Sarah McLachlan's "Full of Grace"... perhaps the feeling is helped by the scene it played over in the season two closer of Buffy, but it's just so sad...