Little lonely...

Weird thing happens sometimes when I spend a day with a lot of time with other people... when my normal solitary existance resumes, and I'm locked away in my house in my room again... I feel lonely... I want to go out more, see more people, hang out, have fun... so then I run online... but no one is talking... probably cause unlike me, other people actually have lives... I just exist... pathetic... anyway... yeah... I'm a loser...

More Questions

Okay these ones I got off Kris' LJ... cause I can't resist a good bunch of questions... It occupies me when bored... :)


What time did you get up this morning? Noonish

Diamonds or pearls? Hmmm, not sure... don't wear much of either ... both can be kinda pretty though... although neither should be too large, or they start to look tacky...

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? National Treasure... cause Sean Bean is fucking HOT!

What is your favorite TV show? Hmm... several of those... current run shows: Lost, The OC, Gilmore Girls are probably tops

What did you have for breakfast? Um... I didn't get up till noon, so technically it was already lunch time

What is your middle name? Hope

What is your favorite cuisine? I'll say Mexican

What foods do you dislike? plenty of things, I'm a tad picky...

What are your favorite Potato chips? Sour Cream & Onion Sun Chips, and they aren't potato

What is your favorite CD at the moment: Ex-Girlfriend by Low Millions & Hotel Paper by Michelle Branch

What kind of car do you drive? Honda Civic

Favorite sandwich? Turkey with mustard, mayo, lettuce, & tomato on a sour or french roll

What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, arrogance

Favorite item of clothing? Hmmm, I love my Happy Bunny stuff. Happy Bunny is so wonderfully pissy.

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Hawaii

What color is your bathroom? White with pink tiles and bloody falling apart... and no, neither I nor anyone in my family picked the pink tiles... house came like that...

Favorite brand of clothing? Um... I don't know, I don't really have a brand...

Where would you retire to? Um... I wouldn't mind just being here... California... There's no place like home :)

Favorite time of day? Um... Night maybe... but really anytime but morning... I'm so not a morning person

What was your most memorable birthday? Um... good memorable or bad? Good I don't know... bad, probably my 20th. It was my first week of work at my first job, and I'd worked all day on my birthday, and at close up time, I hadn't been taught how to open the safe yet, I was relying on the guy who was closing with me to know. But he forgot I guess, he was kind of new too, and honestly, nice but not that bright... and so I wound up there an hour past closing making a half a dozen calls trying to find someone from the store who was home and could talk us through opening the safe. I was not happy that night. I missed getting to have my birthday pizza... which is the only thing I even do anymore for my birthday... if I didn't get pizza it'd be just another day...

Where were you born? California.... what, were you expecting something more specific?

Favorite sport to watch? Football

Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I don't do fizzy

Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl, definatly *she says at 2am*

What is your shoe size? 7

Do you have any pets? 3 cats

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? Not really, and well, I'm not sure anyone really reads this so... not sure it's really shared with too many people... *L*

What did you want to be when you were little? a gymnast, a camera person (yeah, I know, I apparently should have listened to the 6 year old me), an assortment of other things I can't recall off hand... But can you believe it took me like 17 years to finally realize again something I wanted when I was 6!

What were you meant to be doing today? Nothing... bored...

What book are you currently reading? Um, in the middle of several, none of which I've picked up in like a month or more...

Red or white wine? Not much on alcohol, thus not much of a wine drinker. Although I think of the wines I've tried the couple I've liked best have been Pink... they were fruiter then others...

What is your favorite smell? Um... I don't know... I've always been fond of how the air smells after the first rain... and love the salty smell of the air along the coast.

Randomness... Boredomness... etc

Okay, so Friday I was out most of the day. Hung out at a friend's house, had class, and then went out that night with another friend and some other people she knew. All in all, a busy and fun day. Then came today... did some errands, came home, and got bored. :p And now, feeling kind of creatively tapped. Was trying to think what to do for chat ep, and just blank... was not cool... Plus I think I've been kind of weird all day... and was sort of chatty online to a few people. I hope I didn't annoy any of them...

Is Boredemness a word... well, it is now... *L* Anyway... not quite sure what else to say... oh, was bored online a few nights ago also, and wound up taking a whole bunch of those little online quizzes that half the universe puts in their Live Journal and Blogger posts, and apparently The Buffy character I'm most like is Tara, and the Angel character I'm most like is Angel. I'm trying to figure out just how Tara and Angel would manage to exist in one body.... *L*

It's funny, one would think that what with this being something online where I can sort of conseal some of my identity I still censor some of the things I say... not for the reason it would help identify me... but just that there are details of myself that I don't even care to reveal annonomously. And yet even in all the self censoring... I've never been able to point anyone I know face to face in life to this journal... only people I know online... Somehow something in all that seems weird... or maybe it simply is easier to bare your thoughts to faceless names than it is to friends who's faces you know very well... Anyway... that was my deep thought of the night... *L*

Trains of Thought...

Had a little moment today... just me, the car, the road, the music, and the setting sun. I guess after several days of dark, dark grey the sun glowing bright oranges and reds as it droped toward the horizon and I drove along the backroad with the music blaring... flipped the CD to the track I was feeling from that sunset. Listening to Maren Ord's "Beautiful". It was a good moment.

Now, I just feel a little tired, and out of it... got home and the good moment died. Got online, did my regularly scheduled chat, and started thinking about people... about how few people actually contact me... be it people I know face to face in RL, or people who I only know online... very few of them actually bother to contact me... I'm always the one to have to message or phone them. It's been like that since forever... since like junior high. And seeing how many real friends I came out of high school with... well, let's say there were only about 2 or 3 people who ever bothered to phone me, and they were the only ones who I kept much contact with following high school. And then one of them ceased calling a few years ago. I of course tried calling her a few more times for about a year without ever getting a hold of her and finally gave up. And she became yet another person whom I lost to the winds of time. Drifted out of my life. And since... the only two people to have not truly drifted away are those same two remaining friends from high school... the two who did, and still bother to call/email/message somehow contact at least occationally. And online there's only 2 or 3 who really contact me first sometimes... otherwise, I'm always the one to message first... I'm not sure what that says about me... but it doesn't always fill me with a lot of confidence. I end up feeling like I'm just bugging those people who never message me when I message them....

Fucked up Twisted Soul

It's funny, I'm somehow still suprised at how good I am at driving myself into a state of mental disaray. It's like totally self defeating. I really am my own worst enemy. I swear I can be in the best of moods, and if some sick, twisted, fucked up, part of my brain wants to make me miserable, it will do it. Although gotta wonder why I'm suprised anymore. My head has been doing this to me for ages... over a decade... like 13 years now... since I was like 12 years old. I manage to have some random thought and it just snowballs, and suddenly I'm digging myself into my own little private hell hole. Once there the self loathing and dispair kick in. Even when I'm talking to someone else who is trying to make me see the good, the hope, I know it's supposed to be there, but somehow no matter what, I'm just stuck there until my mind deems me fit to crawl out of my funk and into the light of day again. Funny how I'm also usually driven to write and record about the misery, but never the joys. I let my joys and happy memories fall to the sands of time, while preserving the pain, the sorrow, the darkness. Bottling it all up nice and neat and labled, so it can follow me around and haunt me forever. And the joys I do recall, usually can be attached to something else more somber. Someone asked me while I was falling into this state, to name one thing I liked about myself. I couldn't do it... the few things that occured to my mind were immediately tagged with a big 'But...' She then rattled off a couple things she thought were good about me. Some of which again I managed to tag with a 'but...' only like two were left without... and I tried to take those in, and tried to accept them... and maybe did a little bit... but it was hard...

Why is it so hard for me to look at myself and see good... like the reflection I get of myself is really distorted if they can actually see me more clearly than I can, or if I'm just so good at locking things away, that I'm aware of things others aren't.

So as I sit again, alone in my little dark place, seeking some kind of light to crawl to... I wonder again... if maybe this is just who I am... if I'm just another fucked up twisted soul...

Looking Back

Okay, feeling all strange now. Just sat and read through every online journal entry I've ever made, going back before this Blog. I used to keep a web site where I'd post journal entries. And it's always a little weird reading back over things you wrote, two, three, four years ago. Also strange was getting a little teary at a few of the entries. The ones where I distinctly recall crying while I was writing them, or nearly. I'm now trying to figure out if it was simply because the entries are just that sad, and emotionally rought, or if it's because looking back at entries, some made as far back as 2001 & 2002, that in some very big ways, I'm really still stuck in the same spot. Yeah sure, I've finally found a major I like and should graduate from this May. But aside from the schooling, and the fact that at that time I was still employed in a Photo lab, and was attending and just finishing at the Junior college. Other then the school path being more steady and focused, my life hasn't changed that much. I still have some good days, but also still hit some days where I'm ready to just sink into a hole, and for some of the same reasons, or lacking reasons as before. I hate feeling shitty for no reason, totally sucks. I'm not really feeling shitty right now... but not feeling as good as I was earlier. Yeah I think I depressed myself. *Good work there Meg.* *rolls eyes*.... Anyway...

That all said, already forseeing stressouts and manicness later in the semester... here's to hoping I get through it... with at least a shread of sanity left.

Questions

Snagged these questions off the blog or lj of someone random. Was crusining Blogs and LJs and found these questions... :p


What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Probably a hot picture of Sean Bean :)

Last time you swam in a pool?
Oh god... I have no bloody idea... probably like 1997

Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope, but I went to a lot of them. Senior year in high school I like became the Drama Booster, I turned up at like every showing of every play, and wound up invited along with one of the actors to cast partys of two of the plays.

Type of music you dislike most?
Hmm... maybe polka *L*... not really into the whole hip-hop/rap about bling bling kind of shit either.

Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Nope

Ever prank call anybody?
Nope

Do you have a garden?
Nope

What's your favorite comic strip?
Don't read the comics much, but Garfield is usually pretty funny

Bath or shower, morning or night?
Shower, night

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Hmm... just rented The Notebook, that was pretty good, but so was Mr 3000 *L*... what else have I seen lately? Not sure when I rented it, but Garden State rocked.

Where were your parents born?
Chicago & New York

Favorite pizza topping?
pineapple

Chips or popcorn?
chips

What color lipstick do you usually wear?
none, if I've got anything on my lips it's aloe chapstick

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No, but I did burn a peanut once in like 8th grade science class *L* Was pretty cool.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Hell no.

Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Um... I have no idea...

Favorite type chocolate bar?
I like Mounds, that's the one with the coconut covered in dark chocolate.

Are you a good cook?
eh... I mostly cook out of boxes... but I bake pretty well

Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Hmmm... well, generally I feel I'd be happy just with enough money to be comfortable... however, I'm also not much of a believer in true love... so I guess in the case of having to pick one, I'd go for the cash... at least I'd know where the money goes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No... lust at first sight yes, love no.

Can exs be friends?
Well, not having any personal experience with this, hard to say, but I know a few people who were able to be friends with their exs, so I guess, sure it can happen.

What was the name of your first pet?
Lulu

Hazard to Myself?

Okay so I've got this 30 day trial thing on my comp for some like character generator thingy... so just for the hell of it I tried putting in info that seemed like me. And it gives these diff 'types' to pick from (9 of them) and then sub types (2 of each). And then it generates some info in different areas based on that, which you can choose to use or just answer question prompts. Anyway, apparently after trying 3 diff main types, one with both it's subtypes... It apparently thinks I'm a pretty fucked up character. *heh*

First I 'typed' myself as a Type 4 (The Bohemian, the self indugling & blaming artist) Introverted. This prompted the system to suggest as a character type (due to my selecting that I had bad mental health rating, which is probably true... my brain's a little on the fucked up side.)... Anyway, it came up with character statments and descriptions like this:
-She has a kind of soullessness.
-This sub-type is capable of murder without emotional attachment.
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that there's an ideal love or circumstance that, when found, will make her feel loved and complete. (this described me to a tee in junior high and high school.)
-As an adult, she may have given up trying to find her identity and seems to be okay with it. But, she is not. Internally, she is under unbelievable pressure to resolve this situation, making her lash out at a representative of whoever (or whatever) caused the internal pain in the first place. She could make a particularly cold-blooded killer. (I don't think I've quite given up on finding my identity, however at 25, one starts to wonder what kind of headway I'm really making)
-At work, This character is creative and unique but can quickly become moody and self-involved if her ideas meet resistance. When moody, she can become extremely inefficient, attending to her emotional life instead of work tasks. She’s attracted to emotionally intense jobs. (If I'm really honest, this part does have some real truth to it)
-This character is introverted, which makes speech rare and seemingly unimportant. She is good with her hands, but not so with words. She will, however, be very curious about the world and how it works. She's skillful, able to focus on smaller things for comfort, to keep her mind off the internal pain. When alone, she may become preoccupied with death and loss. (Again, there's some truth in here somewhere)
-Other characters may be drawn to her dark creativity, but later feel that she drives away anyone who truly wants to get close or help her. She becomes emotionally withdrawn, feeling emotionally overloaded and different from others. (Again, can't help but see some truth here)

Next I looked at a Type 9 (The Diplomat - Repressed & dilusional doormat) both cerebral & physical subtypes:
Cerebral
-This character has always seemed like a calm, relaxed, together person, but all this time there's been a battle behind those eyes to keep two opposing identities in balance. Because of increased tension in the environment, she has retreated inside, letting go of the fight for sanity.
-As a result, she has become sedentary and detached, able only to focus on the unimportant details, ignoring anything that seems even vaguely disturbing, becoming apathetic and unassertive. At this level, she is likely to suddenly act out violently against those people or systems she feels are causing this added tension to the environment, then slip calmly back into her own mind without any effect. (there is some troubling truth buried in this one)
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that it's okay to put aside personal goals and priorities in order to have comfort. She avoids conflict and discomfort to a fault. (I hate conflicts, I try and keep from making waves with others to such a point sometimes that I end up walking away loathing myself and everyone else.)
-When she's under pressure, she gets bogged down in skepticism and doubt. When she's relaxed and secure, she becomes efficient and ready for action. (Yeah I'm all over the map, completely determined by my mood.)
-At work, This character is easy going, apathetic and over accommodating. Looking to preserve her peace of mind, she tends to put off or ignore difficult tasks to handle the easier less stressful tasks. She also ignores her own needs to go along with the team. She’s attracted to stress-free jobs. (I somehow see a conflict in the job this and the prior type look for, yet somehow both seem to apply to me.)
-She will attack on a verbal basis anyone who comes into her visual scope. To a stranger: "You're an idiot!" Eventually, speech will decay into complete silence, possibly shattered with sudden ranting or attacking. She completely shuts out anyone who brings up difficult issues or offers her help. "Why are you here?! Get out!" (while not all true, there are pieces of truth in this bit)
Physical
-This loss of inner control is caused by either a situation that has overwhelmed her or a final weakening in her strength to fight. She is desperate not to let anything else come into her world that will set her off - she's struggling to hold onto sanity. This subtype is likely to look to physical activities that she trusts to keep her sane, living in her own world, denying to everyone that anything is wrong. If anything does make it through to her, she will act out against it in a very physical way, becoming physically abusive without any forethought or warning. She can be particularly dangerous since she always seemed so calm. Other characters don't see it coming.
-This character is desperate to keep a calm, normal exterior. "Nice weather we're having." While having a detached, distracted or possibly violent, demeanor. The result is what would seem like classic psychosis.

And then finally tried Type 6 (The Ally - clingy & indecisive dependent) introverted. This was the last type that seemed to have some applicable elements of my personality, and this is what it generated as a result:
-This character has never trusted her own decisions, relying on others to make the decisions for her, associating with an authority figure or belief system. (there is some truth to this, I have a tendancy to feel the need to 'consult others' before making choices)
-This character is more manic than paranoid
-She can become hysterical if she feels she's ruined her security. This sub-type is less people oriented, taking a more detached approach to what she feels needs to be done to keep things stable, becoming sociopathic, destructive, even possibly murderous.
-This character's character flaw is based on the lack of faith in herself, others and the world. She's driven by the fear that she won't be able to handle all the dangers present in the universe. (This bit has some definte truth in it)
-Others are drawn to her loyalty, but can later be hurt when her anticipation of problems extends to the relationship. She questions others' intentions, wanting to know what is behind their behavior - eventually feeling paranoid, that others are out to get her. (I didn't like to admit it, but i've realized I am VERY paranoid. The only people who I really don't think are potentially going to hurt me, are my mom, bro, and my two close friends whom I've known for like 10+ years now. And seem to be constantly reminded why I don't trust people, cause it seems like everyone else eventually does betray me in some way or another.)

What I find most disturbing is that there are very definate things in all of these types and descriptions that have a lot of truth to them. But there are things like the referances to murder potential and psychosis that don't seem like me at all... but that they also seem to slide in next to the other stuff that is me so well. Just a little weird and freaky. Kind of felt like when you look in one of those fun house mirrors... it's me, but not me. Anyway, was board and thought I'd share that this character generation program apparently thinks I'm psychotic. *heh*

Note: This post made me think of that song by Pink "Don't let me get me". Hence the title of the post.

Boys on the Brain... Again

Okay see my drabble from this same day and approximate time. Yeah, I seem to be attracted to practically every male I lay eyes on lately. One of those phases it would seem. Happens from time to time. I get distracted by the guys in class, can't help but glance at them a little more often then usual. The duration of this feeling seems to vary some, though usually doesn't last more than a couple weeks... I don't think... but it's always a weird week or too, in which my brain tends to be out to lunch a little too often. *LOL*

I've been on overdrive in terms of viewing movies with a small group of attractive males... (LOTR males)... particularly Sean Bean and Karl Urban. But also the very hot movie "Better Than Sex" with the very hot David Wenham and I finally rented "Wimbledon". It was cute and funny, Kirsten Dunst is always good. Never really seen Paul Bettany but he was good, and kinda cute. But it was his father in the film who really got me going... another LOTRer Bernard Hill. Damn hot he is for an older dude. *L* And he was damn adorable in this movie. This whole celeb overdrive thing has been happening since the new year... however it's just been since like mid week this week that I'm suddenly kind of lusting over like every other guy at school. Damn hormones.

Ever tried disconnecting the brain?

Most of the day was okay, but as the afternoon wore on and I was stuck in a small editing room with 3 other people, and the video we were editing and THEY decided to put music to became further and further removed from anything I had any creative input in, I cared less, and became more fustrated, as I had plenty of shit that needed doing at home. However I couldn't up an leave since it was my camera that was being used for DV transfer... All I ate up to the point I finally left school at like near 4pm, since 8am that morning when I got up and headed off to school, was a box of Junior Mints and an apple fritter... yeah, not really food to fuel the body, more just a sugar rush... which as it turns out can act like too much caffinee when that's all you've eaten... I found heading home that I felt a tad twitchy, shakey, and off kilter... that plus the mood I was in, also lent to my state of feeling sort of like someone had taken a pair of clippers and snipped the wires from my brain to the rest of my body... I felt very mentally disconnected... it was a little odd, and not a very good state of being to try and drive a car in. It was somewhat disorienting, and mentally disturbing.

Do Chickens Still Run with No Heads?

Yes, school + errands + internship = my ass getting kicked. I swear I'm so beat. Can't even stay up for my chat tonight. Just on here for five minutes while I check on my email and post a note about no chats. Been falling asleep before midnight like all week, and waking by like 8am, and then spending the whole day that comes inbetween 8am and midnight running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Course I don't know how acurate the saying is, but it's a saying, so I'm using it. Not sure that chickens still run without heads, what with the lack of brain impulses to make it run on account of the head being cut off... anyway... I think I just ate up the little bit of brain power I had stored up on that chicken thought... so I think I hear my pillow calling... just not literally... not like the wax lion in Wonderfalls... (Kick ass show, just bought it on DVD, not had much chance to watch it all, but well, it does.)

Okay... Goodnight

Wednesday = Insanity

Well, I've already missed my first day in my 'daily drabble', but well, Wed I just didn't get anywhere near my computer. The day was, bloody, fucking insane. I think I was barely at home awake for more than 4 total hours. Hardly had time to think, much less write any thoughts down. *L*

I'm hopeing most Wednesdays won't be so insane, since Tues and Thurs will be. Anyway... just had to get that out... :P

A Warm Winter Day

Well, it's Febuary 1 and it's the middle of winter, and it's 75 Degrees outside. I went to school with a sweatshirt and coat and wound up taking them both off down to my t-shirt which turned out to be the perfect clothing for today. Looks like by the weekend it'll cool down some, but it's still strange. Just yesterday morning I was scraping ice off my car at 8:30 in the morning. This morning at just a little later about 8:50, the car looked all cozy and totally ice and moisture free. Drove home with the windows open. It was a really nice day. Fairly clear, nice and comfortable, not hot, not cold. Warm sun, cool air.

Tuesdays and Thursdays really are going to be busy, busy days. To and from campus twice a day, class & internship, and my brother has class that day too, so inbetween my two trips to school, I have to drop him off at his school. Hopefully I'll have some fun and learn a lot at my internship, and it won't make me nuts. *L*