Monday, February 14, 2005

Hazard to Myself?

Okay so I've got this 30 day trial thing on my comp for some like character generator thingy... so just for the hell of it I tried putting in info that seemed like me. And it gives these diff 'types' to pick from (9 of them) and then sub types (2 of each). And then it generates some info in different areas based on that, which you can choose to use or just answer question prompts. Anyway, apparently after trying 3 diff main types, one with both it's subtypes... It apparently thinks I'm a pretty fucked up character. *heh*

First I 'typed' myself as a Type 4 (The Bohemian, the self indugling & blaming artist) Introverted. This prompted the system to suggest as a character type (due to my selecting that I had bad mental health rating, which is probably true... my brain's a little on the fucked up side.)... Anyway, it came up with character statments and descriptions like this:
-She has a kind of soullessness.
-This sub-type is capable of murder without emotional attachment.
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that there's an ideal love or circumstance that, when found, will make her feel loved and complete. (this described me to a tee in junior high and high school.)
-As an adult, she may have given up trying to find her identity and seems to be okay with it. But, she is not. Internally, she is under unbelievable pressure to resolve this situation, making her lash out at a representative of whoever (or whatever) caused the internal pain in the first place. She could make a particularly cold-blooded killer. (I don't think I've quite given up on finding my identity, however at 25, one starts to wonder what kind of headway I'm really making)
-At work, This character is creative and unique but can quickly become moody and self-involved if her ideas meet resistance. When moody, she can become extremely inefficient, attending to her emotional life instead of work tasks. She’s attracted to emotionally intense jobs. (If I'm really honest, this part does have some real truth to it)
-This character is introverted, which makes speech rare and seemingly unimportant. She is good with her hands, but not so with words. She will, however, be very curious about the world and how it works. She's skillful, able to focus on smaller things for comfort, to keep her mind off the internal pain. When alone, she may become preoccupied with death and loss. (Again, there's some truth in here somewhere)
-Other characters may be drawn to her dark creativity, but later feel that she drives away anyone who truly wants to get close or help her. She becomes emotionally withdrawn, feeling emotionally overloaded and different from others. (Again, can't help but see some truth here)

Next I looked at a Type 9 (The Diplomat - Repressed & dilusional doormat) both cerebral & physical subtypes:
Cerebral
-This character has always seemed like a calm, relaxed, together person, but all this time there's been a battle behind those eyes to keep two opposing identities in balance. Because of increased tension in the environment, she has retreated inside, letting go of the fight for sanity.
-As a result, she has become sedentary and detached, able only to focus on the unimportant details, ignoring anything that seems even vaguely disturbing, becoming apathetic and unassertive. At this level, she is likely to suddenly act out violently against those people or systems she feels are causing this added tension to the environment, then slip calmly back into her own mind without any effect. (there is some troubling truth buried in this one)
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that it's okay to put aside personal goals and priorities in order to have comfort. She avoids conflict and discomfort to a fault. (I hate conflicts, I try and keep from making waves with others to such a point sometimes that I end up walking away loathing myself and everyone else.)
-When she's under pressure, she gets bogged down in skepticism and doubt. When she's relaxed and secure, she becomes efficient and ready for action. (Yeah I'm all over the map, completely determined by my mood.)
-At work, This character is easy going, apathetic and over accommodating. Looking to preserve her peace of mind, she tends to put off or ignore difficult tasks to handle the easier less stressful tasks. She also ignores her own needs to go along with the team. She’s attracted to stress-free jobs. (I somehow see a conflict in the job this and the prior type look for, yet somehow both seem to apply to me.)
-She will attack on a verbal basis anyone who comes into her visual scope. To a stranger: "You're an idiot!" Eventually, speech will decay into complete silence, possibly shattered with sudden ranting or attacking. She completely shuts out anyone who brings up difficult issues or offers her help. "Why are you here?! Get out!" (while not all true, there are pieces of truth in this bit)
Physical
-This loss of inner control is caused by either a situation that has overwhelmed her or a final weakening in her strength to fight. She is desperate not to let anything else come into her world that will set her off - she's struggling to hold onto sanity. This subtype is likely to look to physical activities that she trusts to keep her sane, living in her own world, denying to everyone that anything is wrong. If anything does make it through to her, she will act out against it in a very physical way, becoming physically abusive without any forethought or warning. She can be particularly dangerous since she always seemed so calm. Other characters don't see it coming.
-This character is desperate to keep a calm, normal exterior. "Nice weather we're having." While having a detached, distracted or possibly violent, demeanor. The result is what would seem like classic psychosis.

And then finally tried Type 6 (The Ally - clingy & indecisive dependent) introverted. This was the last type that seemed to have some applicable elements of my personality, and this is what it generated as a result:
-This character has never trusted her own decisions, relying on others to make the decisions for her, associating with an authority figure or belief system. (there is some truth to this, I have a tendancy to feel the need to 'consult others' before making choices)
-This character is more manic than paranoid
-She can become hysterical if she feels she's ruined her security. This sub-type is less people oriented, taking a more detached approach to what she feels needs to be done to keep things stable, becoming sociopathic, destructive, even possibly murderous.
-This character's character flaw is based on the lack of faith in herself, others and the world. She's driven by the fear that she won't be able to handle all the dangers present in the universe. (This bit has some definte truth in it)
-Others are drawn to her loyalty, but can later be hurt when her anticipation of problems extends to the relationship. She questions others' intentions, wanting to know what is behind their behavior - eventually feeling paranoid, that others are out to get her. (I didn't like to admit it, but i've realized I am VERY paranoid. The only people who I really don't think are potentially going to hurt me, are my mom, bro, and my two close friends whom I've known for like 10+ years now. And seem to be constantly reminded why I don't trust people, cause it seems like everyone else eventually does betray me in some way or another.)

What I find most disturbing is that there are very definate things in all of these types and descriptions that have a lot of truth to them. But there are things like the referances to murder potential and psychosis that don't seem like me at all... but that they also seem to slide in next to the other stuff that is me so well. Just a little weird and freaky. Kind of felt like when you look in one of those fun house mirrors... it's me, but not me. Anyway, was board and thought I'd share that this character generation program apparently thinks I'm psychotic. *heh*

Note: This post made me think of that song by Pink "Don't let me get me". Hence the title of the post.

No comments: