Fucked up Twisted Soul

It's funny, I'm somehow still suprised at how good I am at driving myself into a state of mental disaray. It's like totally self defeating. I really am my own worst enemy. I swear I can be in the best of moods, and if some sick, twisted, fucked up, part of my brain wants to make me miserable, it will do it. Although gotta wonder why I'm suprised anymore. My head has been doing this to me for ages... over a decade... like 13 years now... since I was like 12 years old. I manage to have some random thought and it just snowballs, and suddenly I'm digging myself into my own little private hell hole. Once there the self loathing and dispair kick in. Even when I'm talking to someone else who is trying to make me see the good, the hope, I know it's supposed to be there, but somehow no matter what, I'm just stuck there until my mind deems me fit to crawl out of my funk and into the light of day again. Funny how I'm also usually driven to write and record about the misery, but never the joys. I let my joys and happy memories fall to the sands of time, while preserving the pain, the sorrow, the darkness. Bottling it all up nice and neat and labled, so it can follow me around and haunt me forever. And the joys I do recall, usually can be attached to something else more somber. Someone asked me while I was falling into this state, to name one thing I liked about myself. I couldn't do it... the few things that occured to my mind were immediately tagged with a big 'But...' She then rattled off a couple things she thought were good about me. Some of which again I managed to tag with a 'but...' only like two were left without... and I tried to take those in, and tried to accept them... and maybe did a little bit... but it was hard...

Why is it so hard for me to look at myself and see good... like the reflection I get of myself is really distorted if they can actually see me more clearly than I can, or if I'm just so good at locking things away, that I'm aware of things others aren't.

So as I sit again, alone in my little dark place, seeking some kind of light to crawl to... I wonder again... if maybe this is just who I am... if I'm just another fucked up twisted soul...