Just Shut Up!

I really, really need to remember those three little words, they are important. Just shut up! It's usually not too much of a problem in classes, I don't really talk much, but it needs to extend to group projects for classes, outside class, even online. I usually end up saying something lame, or stupid, or just plain too much. The best solution, just shut up!

And if I must say something, say it here, because here, no one's really listening, or at least no one need listen. It's not like it's messanger, or even a message board. I mean I don't think anyone but me ever reads this thing, which is fine, not really sure why anyone else would be interested in reading my insane ramblings and idiotic thoughts. It's not like I have anything of real importance or interest to say, I'm just saying a bunch of useless shit. Which is fine so long as I'm just talking to myself, which I'm awful good at, and when I don't want to listen anymore, I just shut up.

Weird randomness...

Okay, had one of those weird and random sort of days, but good day. But now I have guys on the brain... and I have a 9am class tomorrow. I just know this is gonna keep me awake tonight. AHH! One of those feel like you gotta bounce or scream, or something moments... I'm having one of those moments today... madness... and tomorrow is my crazy day at school, where I'm like at school in classes or meetings, or group work projects like all day long.

I think it was hormones

Well, wound up leaving class today fustrated, pissy, and on the verge of tears. I think I was just having one of those hormonal days where I just can't take anything that isn't light and fun fair.

On a side note, I think I've, again, decided that the best way to deal with life, particularly group work in classes is to shut the hell up and do whatever the rest of the group wants. I just end up fustrated and unhappy when the group inevitably doesn't give a shit and doesn't listen or care about anything I put in as input, or even worse, make me feel stupid for even suggesting anything at all. Unfortunatly this semester is gonna be full of shitty ass group work. Oh well, at least I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet and doing what I'm told, assuming I don't burst into tears in the middle of it all.

Well, going to attempt to sleep, been getting shitty sleep the last week, and it's starting to drive me over the edge, I about cried last night cause I just couldn't sleep.

Drawing a Blank

I was thinking I should say something here, but now that I'm here, I haven't got a bloody clue what. I swear though this world gets more fucking terrifying every day. The world is just a mess, the whole fucking world, a bloody mess, like, seriously. Woke up this morning to find that during the wee hours of the morning some jackasses (probably dumbass drunk teenagers) drove down my block and smashed in windows etc of like half the cars down the street, including mine. Now sucks a little less for me, since I was planning on getting rid of the car anyway, and actually the smashed window was just the modavation to take it over to the used car lot and sell it now. But one of our neighbors had just bought a new car and now it's windows and such are all smashed in. I mean, that's just shitty. I mean there's not even any fucking point to what these idiots did, it was just like all down one side of the street, most likely one idiot driving and another hanging out the passanger window with some object to smash with. It's not like there was a rhyme or reason, just random acts of vandalism, I guess it is sort of better in a way then targeted vandalism, but it's just so pointless, like these idiots couldn't find something better to do, like drink themselves stupid till they passed out, or smoked some pot to mellow them out, or smash beer cans on their heads. Always trying to keep my mind off all that mess by playing RPGs and watching TV shows and sports and fun stuff, cause if I let myself dwell on all the fear and hate, and discontentment in and with the world, I'd probably have to slit my wrists immediately.

So, I continue to surf fun sites, downloading an interview on the Addidas site of Ian Thorpe, he's so cute, and massively talented in the water. Not to mention he seems like a real genuine guy, nice to see in celebs, and athletes, cause not all are: Case in point Terrell Owens. The San Fran 49ers roster has been totally desimated by salary cap issues, but Terrell was one worth losing from the roster, even if it takes the next 4 years for the 9ers to make playoffs again. Although I was bummed when they didn't sign Jeff Garcia again, not like he's the most perfected QB in the leauge, but he rocks! And well, fireing Steve Mariucci (I think I spelt that wrong :p) the year before, I still say that was the most spectacular streak of stupitity that ever hit the 49er management... with that in mind, Go Lions! *LOL* That'll showum'.

This week is free trial week for the PE classes, so I'm gonna try and get myself to some of them, cause I really do need to get active and try and lose a little weight, it's starting to get sad, I had to go buy pants the other day, cause I only had one pair of pants left that fit me comfortably. Also thinking about making use of the open swim hours at the pool at the school. I haven't been swimming in probably like 5 years, and I miss not swimming. I'm not that great at it, but I always had fun. And I need active things to do that are also fun, which is why I'm not good at just sitting and doing crunches or push ups while watching TV, it's not fun.

Dreams Left Behind

The Olympics always bring up those feelings of dreams not persued, or dreams left half way. I'm sure it's because of my own childhood dreams of Olympic greatness when I was like 7 and 8 and was a gymnast, and actually pretty good at that point. Actual potential and everything. But at 11, I'd already had to cut back on training due to my mom's work, and then burnt out a bit, intended to take just a few months off, but never wound up going back. There are times still that I regret never going back, not so much because I could have been an Olympic gymnast, but because it was a lot of fun, and a great way to stay in shape. Now, nearly 15 years later, I feel out of shape, and inactive. I'm planning on looking into using the rec center at my school, and possibly taking like a yoga or dance class or something to have something active to do.

And then I think of my more current dreams, dreams I hope aren't as far off achievment as my Olympic dreams as a child were. Dreams of getting into something, preferably not the nightly news, where I get to use and work around a video camera. Fiction TV or film would rock, but like sports coverage would be cool too. I'm thinking about possibly doing a documentary on this kind of topic for my class this semester, looking at the dreams, past and present of people, and the reasons for wanting what they do, and for having given up on old dreams.

hmmm...

Time to start Thinking

Gotta start thinking about projects and papers, got projects in just about every class that are going to be involved and consuming, and gotta come up with what to do for them, Soon. Sooner the better so I can at least try and get started early. Really am going to need to get a video cam ASAP. I think I can do something video related for my senior project, not sure if I could tie it to whatever I do for my video production class.

The Olympics are over, and it's sad, I miss them so much already. Been watching US Open all day just cause I need some kind of sports booster or something. Been online for little spurts rather often looking up pics and info on athletes and sports, especially those hot male swimmers. *LOL* I want to know where I can order me one of those guys *LOL*. Sometimes the hormones just take over. :p

Anyway, just talking... trying to do this more often... even if I don't feel like I really am saying that much...

School ... and other stuff

Okay, today was back to school, I missed who knows how much Olympic Coverage, but did get to interact in person with other human beings again. *LOL* Okay, I'm maybe not QUITE that big of a hermit, but close. It's not that big an exaggeration. Got books at least for the couple books for this class. Also got the new Vanity Fair mag I'd been thinking about with the pretty pic of Reese Witherspoon on the cover. Lots of cool pics of Olympians in it too... and I have to say, up till now Michael Phelps was a cute kid, but WOW, that pic of him in there was HOT! I can't believe how young he is though.... dude, I feel old. Still love Olympics, but damn those athletes make me feel old. So many of the athletes are younger then me. I expected that from women's gymnastics, but not everything else as well, from volleyball, to swimming, to track. And hell, for that matter 1/3 of the women's gymnastics team this year was actually older then me, more then 2000 even I think. I think in 2000 the only one older then me was Dominique Dawes. This year both Mohini Bhardwaj and Annia Hatch are older then I, granted by only a year, but still... (actually Mo is like 9 months older)... *L*

I now, after watching an inordinate amount of Olympic coverage, really want to go to like some big athletic event. I bet being at the games and going and seeing some of these things live and in person is just awsome. The only sporting events I've actually been to are my high school's football and basketball games (now years ago). Although the football was pretty cool, we went to division championship game held at the Okland Colosium (where the Okland Raiders & A's play) so that was pretty wow. And then like 8 or 9 years ago I went to a few AVP (Pro Beach Volleyball) tournaments in Southern Cali, but it's been a while, Mike Dodd was still playing back then, now he's announcing for the Indoor Volleyball at the Athens Games. Was cool though I still have pics of me with Mike Dodd, Mike Witmarsh (Dodd's partner when they won silver at Atlanta 1996) and a pic with Eric Fonoimoana. But again, that was years ago. Going to like some kind of Olympics or World Championships would rock, or going to another AVP tourny again would rock... (Beach Volleyball is a massively cool sport, the atmosphere is the best)... I also wouldn't mind catching an NBA or NFL game, but both those are so increadibly expencive to attend just one little game, and I don't think my mom would let me and my bro drive to Okland or South San Fran alone... which kind of leaves only Sacremento Kings, which is a little bit far to go, and still very pricey, although I'm sure it would be an amazing time. :p

Tired

It's 3am, I have another chat to do, and I'm tired. I really wish I could just go to bed right now. Been watching Olympics still... pretty much all I've been watching the last week. Now also seriously thinking about the fact that I go back to classes mid week. It's crazy... and annoying, cause I feel more tired now then I did at the start of the summer. But it'll be good to get back to classes and at least some minor interaction with other human beings not over the internet. Haven't had much of that over the summer.

Coolios!

Alright! Got me a new template layout, and gussed up my profile, and all that good stuff... Olympic coverage is on again, swimming right now. We'll see if I can remember to update this sucker any better then I have. I'd be cool if I could. :)

Okay, think I'll be off for the night now... want to pay attention to the Olympics... *L*

Testing...

Testing something out, trying to see if it will work, trying to add the comment option to this thing, not that I think there will be many people out there reading this to comment on it, but there might be one or two, so, ...

TESTING

Afterthoughts

Oh, got busy with a game and didn't finish my thoughts... My friend, Andrea and I spent like all day friday last week hanging out watching DVDs and browsing the bookstore. And then caught a movie, Alien vs Predator on Monday. The movie was kinda cool, fun and actiony and such. She started back to classes later that afternoon. She said we should make a point to hang out like once a week, I don't know if once a week will really happen, she tends to end up dead to the universe once the semester starts (she's in nursing school, so it's pretty intense, plus she works part time and her husband works full time, so she's a busy girl). But hopefully if we shoot for once a week, we'll at least manage to get to hanging out every couple weeks. I should see if her husband Marcus, can change a car battery (he's pretty good with that kind of tech, car stuff), cause I need a new one, and if he can change it, that would help me save a few bucks. My car battery died, cause I forgot to start it for the last few weeks, while it's been sitting at the curb. Just need a cheep battery cause we're gonna get rid of it soon anyway. The stick can be fun when you get to really drive it out on an open road, but it can just get annoying around the city, shifting all the time practically, plus, well, as I said in an earlier post, that illness, it was just one more thing. Driving the automatic was hard enough when I was sick, and the stick was just one more thing to deal with at that point... :p Oh well... live and learn I guess...

It's been a while...

Okay, so it has really been a while since the last time. Since, I've had all kinds of drama, mostly online, and now, still, my energy online has wained a bit. But I am having fun with the RPG boards a friend and I started a couple months ago, it's not as busy there as I'd like, but there are games playing, and are fun.

Got through finals in May, got A's in all my video classes and a B in my Psych class. Worked on a video project the week after and then took a short 3 week intersession class to finish my GE requirements. Got an A, it was a class on Hawai'i, and it was very cool. Totally didn't mind getting up at 7 am for that class, course it helped I didn't have to get up that early for more then 3 weeks.

Now summer is almost over, class starts in just under a week now. Been watching lots of Olympics, like constantly since they started, been fun. I love watching the Olympics, even events that otherwise I never pay any attention to, like rowing, are lots of fun to watch during the Olympic games.

Been trying to think about what kind of project, or projects I could do for my video class this coming semester. The focus of the class is going to be documentaries, as opposed to scripted, fiction directing, like last semester, so it'll be interesting, but means I need to come up with a documentary to do. I also need to get me a video camera, cause it was a headache having to worry if we were going to be able to check out a camera the week we needed it. This way I'll have one, 24/7.

Boys... Crazy

I think I'm just going crazy. Every now and then I don't know, it's like every guy I pass is cute. And thus I end up spending more time in class thinking how cute some of the guys are and it's much harder to focus on learning anything. It's really annoying. There are these really cute guys in my class, but there's absolutely nothing to be done about it.

Anyway... shifting gears, I spent much of last night going through old photographs that I'd taken over the past like 8 years, it was a little weird and surreal. But that may be good. I think for one of my projects for video class I will try mixing video footage with photographs worked in Photoshop with layers and made into a film piece.

Oh man, got another chat RPG soon, I SOO should have napped in between them, I'm so tired right now.

Venting

I'm feeling very ill at ease at a site that for a long time has been a favorite place of mine and a boards that felt very welcomeing to everyone. But the new ownership is homophobic and a conversation over one thread that appears to me to be relatively harmless, is really troubling me. Granted I'm living not too far from the city that's been marrying gays left and right... and this person is from Texas... two very different states of mind. But I don't want the gay members of the board to feel like they are being discriminated against or unwelcome. I'm bothered by this whole 'homophobic' vibe that seems to be racing through the country... Freakin' republicans...

I'm not gay myself, but I've had friends who were, and I also just don't feel that gays are really any different, other then they like people of the same gender. Big deal, I don't see where it's hurting anyone, or where it even really effects others. But I guess some think it's evil or contagious... generally it seems the religious... but I won't get started on my feelings on religion...

Anyway... just felt the need to vent a little...

Randomness

Wow, Okay so I've not been keeping up here at all... but guess I felt modavated to right now because at the moment... well, I'm feeling, I don't know, off, mentally... Kind of feeling the need for the therapy of writing and of photography. I finally loaded up my camera tonight, so that on Monday I don't even have to consider and time factor of having to get to school, cause I can just grab the camera bag with my backpack.

Planning to sell my car too, get another automatic so that I'm not the only one in the house capable of driving it... plus well, I got sick a few weeks ago and it was hard enough trying to drive an automatic in that state, so, I decided to let it go... I may not have had it not seemed my mom kind of thought having two cars everyone could drive was a possibly better idea... so, at least now I know how to drive a stick in a pinch. So if I ever find myself out with my friends and the driver ends up having a drink, I can drive even if it's a stick... cause well, it's not like I'll be drinking, since I'm not a drinker. Not cause it's like 'bad' for you or anything, just cause I never could manage to aquire a taste for alcohol, it's just not tasty. I'd rather drink something that makes my taste buds happy.

I'm about a month or so into another semester at school, taking a full 12 units this time too. Mostly video/film production classes. It's fun, but mentally consuming, and somewhat time consuming as well. There are some guys who well, kinda cool and cute in the classes, particularly the late Friday class... not that it really has any meaning of any kind, just a random note... something I've noticed... doesn't really mean shit though, since well... I'm me and that's how my life is... and I don't see it changing any time soon, cause I'm just too fucking neruotic... But anyway... I'm wanting to buy a video camera soon... I really want to play around with one and really see what I can do with it... see if I can discover anything by just taking it out... like with my normal camera.

Really, gotta try and pay better attention to this blog. It's not like I'm not online often enough to update regularly... I practically live online... cause I have no life outside it other then classes... :p

It's Done!

It's done! Got my papers done and my presentations and the scene in theater class went actually really well :) Now I'm free for like a month... well, except for all my online endevors that now need tending, and I may have to begin searching for a new job again, preferably one that I can work only Saturdays... cause I think if I try and work more then that with a full or close to full unit load at school my head might explode *L*...

I'm actually feeling pretty good today, I think cause of the papers and such being done, just nice to have that stress off for a while. My only real bummer of the day was not getting to go to the midnight show of Return of the King, it was all sold out already... but I'm going to the Noon show tomorrow, well guess it's today already, which means I should probably sleep soon. I went out and bought a couple DVDs and some CDs today though... bought Jason Mraz's CD, after catching his second video and being rather amused by it and liking the music... god I'm like in typo hell right now *L*... anway... just out of curiousity I started poking around online for info on Jason and if the birthday I found is correct, he's got my birthday... just not the same year, he's a tad older, not a lot though... :) And I sat and read a bit of the journal he keeps on his offical site and it's just so funny, and interesting, I keep finding myself smiling as I read it... much like when listening to his music and watching his videos... thus that has added to my generally good mood of the moment...

Anyway, I guess his journal also reminded me that I have as always been neglecting this thing... but hey, it's the second entry in one month, that's better then most months for me *L*...

Guess I'll go scoot my ass off to bed... starting to feel a tad bit of the tiredness... seeing as it's like 4:30 am... yeah, I'm insane, as if ya'll didn't know that already... :p

So much stuff to do

Bit by bit I'm starting to chip away at all the stuff to do for school. Got my presentation for one of my classes tomorrow (I guess technically today *L*)... starting to get on my presentation for next week in my Media Ethics class, at least a little. Read another chapter in the book for my final paper in my intro class... slow but steady progress. I just hope I do well on everything. The end of the semester is always a little nerve racking. I'm looking forward to it all being finished. My last final is Tues, Dec 16, and then I get to go see the Return of the King. I have to find out when the local theater is going to start selling tickets. I really want to go to the midnight show. I went for TTT and it was really fun. :) And this year it would be a really good way to celebrate getting everything finished for my classes.

Headaches of finding a car

So much crap to do my head is spinning... and this looking for a car thing, starting to give me a headache. It's like everything that's in my price range either looks like crap, or doesn't have the one and only feature I really want in a car, power windows. Didn't realize they were so freakin' hard to find in a cheep used car... so annoying...

Inconsistancy

Okay, again been a while since the last post, but well, insanity and brain blanks happen... :p

I have to sit down like this weekend and go through all my stuff from my classes and start laying out what's due when and what's entailed in each thing. And then start planning what to do when, and start getting moving on all these projects, papers, and presentations I have to do in this second half of the semester.

Watching this thing on travel channel about Hersey, Penn and it's making me crave chocolate. *LOL*

Not really writing for a particular reason, other then random boredom. There's a bunch of movies out or coming out soon that I want to see. I don't recall past Septembers haveing such good stuff in theaters. It's usually a dull period in theaters between Sept and Nov.

Despite all the reading entailed in my classes, at least so far, I'm not feeling as overwhelmed as I have the past couple semesters. I'm also not having to remind myself why I like the subject I'm majoring in, it's just there. Like the reason why is always present in my mind and always being reafirmed by things in class.