The End of April

Well, so it's the last day of April. Which, if my friend is reading this, Happy Birthday Apryl. :)

Anyway, so, I'm definatly in some kind of freak out, stressed out, melt down, kind of mode. One month left of school, that's it. I can't believe it. I'm feeling so lost and scared. I mean, yeah I'm excited too, and yes, it really is about time... I was kind of okay at school today... kind of... but now, sitting facing another weekend locked away in my house, save for maybe a trip to the video store... I'm getting depressed... and it doesn't help that my new comp doesn't seem to want to export the video I edited back to my camera. It just stops moving at 25%. Doesn't raise my confidence for when my real editing system comes. Which will be who knows when, it's apparently all back ordered. Seriously, nothing this semester has happened the way I'd wanted or hoped. I can already see all the regrets piling up behind me. And with nothing to look forward to beyond graduation day, all I can do is look back at all the things I should of, could have...

This just sucks... I need some kind of comfort... I need a friend... and people online are nice, there's at least a couple people there I can turn to, but it's just not the same as talking to someone face to face, or even at least hearing a familiar voice on the phone. But I really don't have anyone accessable right now. Apryl is half a world away in England, and Andrea is a few weeks from graduation herself from nursing school and she's virtually impossible to get a hold of these days. And beyond the two of them, there's no one else I feel close enough to to turn to when troubled. The few friends I have from school are kind of 'casual'. And I'm not sure I can trouble them with my stupid issues. Besides, most of them are pretty busy too. I want something to look forward to after graduation, I want people to talk to. I want to feel like I got more than a diploma and a pile of regret from college.

I know, I'm just saying the same shit over and over... but it's what's been weighing heavily on my mind these days. So, Mr. Blogger, you getting sick of listening to my crap yet? *heh*

Two Years

Well, I just noticed that it's been two years since I started this blog... weird... guess I'm in a posting sort of mood right now... maybe it's what comes of not posting for like a week... I don't know... anyway, thought I'd comment on it being two years... I've had some lags in posting along the way, some for several months... some like the last week, for a week or so... this lag has been due mostly to my not being online so much the last week, I've actually been avoiding being online... I think cause I've been so desperatly seeking interaction in the real world... and that so much of online lately has just been depressing me... just staring at the screen, and still not having much conversation...

Still having that chasing my tail feeling... in thinking on the two years... I've pondered on if much has really changed in all these years... so I mention it again, but having the thought again... but I think I've beat that one to death at this point... I think I'm beating the risk/regret thing to death also... but, guess it's just what's going on in my head ... what keeps going on in my head... what it always comes back to... to the same wants, desires, feelings... and so I continue to feel stuck in this place mentally... in this head space that is probably not all to good for me... but so it goes... anyway... anyone think I should just shut up yet?

Fear

So I turn on some music and think again of all the things I wish I had the nerve to say, to shout to the world. In some vain attempt to connect, to reach someone who perhaps feels like I do... but somehow I think my fears will forever get the better of me, that they will rule me for life... and that all this stuff will simply be locked up inside for the life of me... and yet the fear doesn't even make sense... I'm pretty convinced I'll never see any of the people I know right now again once graduation day passes, yet I fear just letting it out... I guess I don't want to be judged... the fear of a bad reaction prevents the desire to just let it all out... but if I never see any of them again, what does any of what I do matter... logic would say I may as well just say what I want to say and let it go... and maybe find some kind of therapy in the action... but, not sure it will happen, even if logic tells me I have nothing of value to lose in the attempt... no one but me stops me... I've been stopping myself from really living life for so long, fears that just consume anything else... yet, none of those fears do me any good, they don't save me from the bad things, they only keep me locked up inside myself, inside all these walls I've built around myself...

It all comes back down to the same things... the same things I've been saying to myself self here for weeks and weeks... I fear taking the risks and end up living with the regrets... and for as much as I tell myself the risk is better... because even if it causes pain, it's all clear and can be sorted through... I can't seem to actually let go of the fears I hang onto... I hang onto them for dear life, even though they are what is slowly choaking the life out of me...

Rambling on... anticipating...

So, I sat down today, alone, in a hallway at school... which was mostly unbusy, seeing as it was Saturday... and tried to do this thing for my video class, this one project that I've kind of put off for several weeks now... for two reasons, lack of ideas, and lack of ability to actually shoot the ideas I do have... yeah, convienient... been starting to wonder if all this wanting to connect with other people is just stupid... if I should just try and make myself do without it... why do I feel like I need to anyway... why should I need anyone beyond my house? I don't know... it's all very frustrating...

I somehow had these expectations for college, what it would be, what I'd come out of it with... and aside from the actual education, I haven't gotten any of it. I recall many people through the course of like high school telling me that college would be the place where I'd meet most of the people who would be like 'life long friends'. Well, I'm not sure that I've connected with anyone such that any of them will want to try and stay in contact, stay connected once graduation day comes and goes... and that makes me sad... after the education, the thing I'd most hoped for, and wanted from my college experience, was feeling like I'd made a few really good friends, people who would carry past my college career and into the rest of my life... but, somehow, that's seeming highly unlikely to happen...

I still feel like my fears are holding me back... and that I've screwed up yet another stage of my life, that will never be gotten back. I've missed out on so many things that most people experience... things that are sort of considered social, and development milestones... I'm starting to realize just how many milestones are missing along my path... how I've really not gone very far... I'm just so far behind, that it seems almost hopeless that I'll ever get down that road that I thought I'd be on, that I wanted to be on...

I feel like life as I know it ends in like a month... and because everything is so unknow at that point, I don't have anything I'm looking forward too... all the things I'm wanting, hopeing for, anticipating, are all confined to the coming month... after that... there's nothing... I'm staring into a void that begins the summer... and it's making me crazy... it's stressing me out... it's freaking me out... it's totally fucking terrifying...

Week gone by

So, it's been like a week since I posted anything in any blog/journal thingy. I'd like to say that it was just that eventful of a week, but... Not that it wasn't busy, but mostly like school busy. Paired with, just didn't feel like being online if I didn't have to be. Although I did have a fun, and weird Friday. Won't go into detail, cause, well, tired, and don't feel like it... it wasn't like life altering in anyway, just odd, but in a good way. The rest of the weekend was mostly uneventful. Had a couple meeting for various projects, but that was it, and the usual errands to run. The rest of my blog/journals will probably continue to wait a few days for updates... cause, well, just tired, and just dropping in a moment before running off to bed. I've passed most of my boldness I had about a month ago, little less. But I think I'm over it now. Though I should attempt other acts of boldness... new and different ones... but we'll see, may not happen... you know like talking to strangers and such. :p
I'm still desperatly seeking something resembling a life outside my computer/house/etc... a social life bascially... still looking... had a couple good spots the last week, and a few hints also that there were set backs... anyway... I think that's it for now...

This one may not make a lot of sense...

like the title says... cause well, yeah I'm censoring myself again... But anyway, I'd wanted to really try and follow as was suggested by someone the other day and just ask a couple casual questions in the search for information and well, didn't get the chance... just no chance... maybe that's meant to show the whole picture... just no chance...

The good point of the day, the best point was probably this morning when I bumped into this girl who'd been in my drama class like a year and a half ago. She actually said 'hey' first and remembered my name and everything. We stopped and chatted for several minutes in the parking lot. I was on my way home after my class, and she was headed to a meeting. She commented on something that I also find kind of frustrating, that you meet all these cool people in classes, but then once the class is over, it's like the friendships you thought you were making in class, just vanish. That's what has been stressing me out a lot lately. The idea that these people who I've met in classes and such, who are cool people, I'm never gonna talk to again once graduation comes. I don't want them all to vanish, they are cool. She told me about this speaker she's arranging coming in May, it's part of her studies... like a senior project kind of thing. I might have to see about going, just to help support her project and say 'hi' again.

I fear tomorrow I will be desperatly bored and desperate for socialization outside my house or my computer. It seems the last few days I can't go more than like an hour in my house without getting restless. So much so, along with being just really sleepy, drove me to bed at like 10pm last night. Which is way weird for me... I'm normally up till like 2am... my sleep is off, my mind is off... I'm really off right now... it's a tad disconcerning... but then maybe it's just me...

What is Love?

Okay, not sure where this thought came from... well sort of do. I was having a rather extensive conversation today with some people in my class, and we were talking about families, and guys, and such. (We were all females) And one of the gals mentioned how there are very few real men out there, particularly in our society. One of the other gals mentioned her father, and how he's been like the only person who totally unconditionally showed her love and caring. Which got me thinking about my dad, and mentioned some stuff to them. The first gal nodded about the 'see' some guys will just always be guys... not men.

For the like 12 years my parents were married, my father never wore a ring. And I don't think he ever wanted that husband father role. He was 29 when I was born, and I was quite plainly an accident. I have a feeling it was my dad's Irish Catholic upbringing that made him feel like he had to marry her if she wasn't going to have an abortion. (which in only recent years, like since high school has my mom mentioned that he had mentioned that to her... and had previously gotten another woman pregant and she did have an abortion... anyway...) So, I must say that all of that knowledge never did wonders for my worth or feeling of acceptance... but anyway...
I also recall my mom saying, and in thinking of it... My dad never said 'I love you' to my mom. She'd say it to him, and he'd pull one of those 'yeah', 'uh-huh', or 'me too' things... the scary part is, I've become like that too. Not that I've ever been in love like romantically... but like with family and stuff... the word love is not one that comes easy to me... and often the times I force it out, it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Not because I'm lying, or that I don't feel the love... I just can't stand the word for some reason. I also have trouble hugging people... which is probably a related issue...

And if you really look at it, I'm not the first to notice this... L-O-V-E.... count up the letters... there's 4 of them. Love is a four letter word. And one that's much more dangerous, and potentially distructive and hurtful than a word like shit or fuck. So, why do people get themselves into this feeling? Well, because it seems to be something that's almost needed to us as people. We need it in some form or another, even if it's simply the love of a faithful furry friend. I mean, that's why dogs are called man's best friend. That's why they say that owning a cat can extend one's life. Because there is another being to love and be loved by. It makes us feel good, feel happy, feel... well, loved. Love is a sign of acceptance, caring, comfort.

So, well, that kind of worries me. I have trouble even saying love to my cats. Now that doesn't mean I don't love them, because I very much do. Same with my family. And my very close friends. I have love for them all. I'd like to think they have it for me too. But it's not a word I can seem to form very easily, for any of them... I'm concerned that without ever even having been in love, I've managed to grow up with a very bad vision of love, and an aversion to the word it's self.

Revealing...

So I sit, in the middle of the night, thinking about my life and who I am, who I'd wanted to be. All those things I never did, all those chances at things I've let pass me by for fear of not getting it all perfectly right. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do. I mean, comparatively, my life really isn't all that bad. So who am I to complain about all this, by comparison, meaningless shit that I let eat away at me. None the less, I can't help this feeling inside, that voice that reminds me of all those things I want, that with every passing moment feel farther and farther from my grasp. But then I wonder if I really even know what I want, what I need. Do I only think I want things, because that's what other people, society seem to all want. I try so hard to find a contentment in myself, but it's hard. It's really hard sometimes. I have an impulse to reach out and connect with other people, yet I can't seem to. I'm too scared, or socially inept, or something. And then I wonder why I should even need other people? I've heard it's human nature or something, that contact with other people is just something we as a species need. Well, if that's true then I think it explains a few things anyway. However, it doesn't help the situation. I used to think I was pretty good at making new friends, but as I think back seriously even to elementary school, I'm not sure I was. I sometimes could get up the nerve to approach the 'new kid', because I felt like they didn't have any friends yet, so they might welcome someone introducing themselves. Like perhaps they would need me in some way, if only for a few day until they got comfortable and met some more people. But in situations where people already know other people, I just lose all nerve. I become unable to just walk up and say 'hello'. It's not like 'hello' is really a high risk word or anything. Generally most people don't react badly to a 'hello'. Yet, I'm too afraid to use it. And thus have cut myself off from the rest of the world. From other people. Yet, all that stuff from the other side of my little wall still seeps through to get to me. But none of what I build up inside can get out. So everything just sits surrounding me until I can't take it any more. I want to tear down these walls. I hate them. They haven't spared me any of the hurt I'd hoped they would. They have only cause me more pain, pain I still don't feel like I have any right to have. Everyone's got problems. The world is full of fucking problems that make mine look pathetic. And so I can't bother others with my problems, because they all have problems of their own. They don't need mine too. And so the wall grows bigger. I want to rip this fucking wall down. I want to not be afraid of what's out there. I want to connect to the people around me. I want to have hope. I want to not hurt and regret my whole life. I want to need, and be needed. I want to be who I am, and be content with that. I'm just not so sure how...

A few answers

Well, in just the last couple hours, a couple of answers have been forthcoming... and unfortunatly, they were NOT the ones I wanted. Figures I suppose... I went and got honestly hopeful... and nope...

But anyway... so, now we push on... cause the risks don't stop there... there are many more to go... and we'll have to see how many I'm willing to go through... in the hope of hitting a right door... or whatever...

Despite the obvious disappointment of things, as always, not going my way... I have some of the answers that I was seeking... they weren't the ones I wanted, no. But they are answers none the less. Sitting clearly for me to see now, and for me to deal with. And that is good... it tends to be the not knowing that drives me crazy... and even if the answers are not my way, I have something there to deal with... I can sort through it, be sad about it if I need to, deal with it, and move on from it... so that's what I am working on right now... it's sorting... I'm a little down... but i'm not as scattered and crazed as before... so the dealing is in process... hopfully the moving on part follows quickly... like, tomorrow would be good...

Revisit: Risk & Regret

So this has been a hot topic on my mind the last few days... considering the risks I have taken (however few)... and those I was too afraid to take (many more)... and the outcomes, and how I felt after... and how I look back now at the situations... do I regret any of the risks? or do I only regret the 'what ifs'? I think it really is mostly the 'what ifs' that end up in my regret pile, sitting down the road for me to continually look back at. The risks, even when it wound up hurting or not how I'd hoped... I don't regret taking the chance. Because at least I got a decisive outcome, and I could cope, get over it... move on. I know, I'm repeating myself... but I think it bares repeating if for no other reason then I need to get it in my head. I need to make myself realize it, or believe it... so that perhaps I will have the nerve to risk a little, risk being rejected, risk maybe things being a tad weird... cause if I don't risk it, and nothing happens, I'll just end up 'what iffing' till I drive myself nuts...

I had made a post last night on how weird I was feeling, how my sleep was off and how at my internship last night I felt like I needed to jump up and down and nap all at the same time... unfortunatly Blogger decided to take a spaz when I sent it, and it was completely lost... anyway... that's it for now...

Yet another bloody survey...

Stole this from Manny's LJ, which I guess he stole from someone else, who snagged it from yet someone else... *LOL* I seem to be making a hobby out of theving surveys from other people's blogs and LJ's. *L*


TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF -

Name: Meegan
Birthday: June 1979
Birthplace: California
Current Location: California
Eye Color: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color: brown
Height: 5'3 1/2
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: 1/2 Irish (and don't know what the other half is, so I pretty much just identify myself as Irish)
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black chunky things with laces.
Your Weakness: Um... what just one?
Your Fears: again, lots...
Your Perfect Pizza: mushroom & double pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Graduate College and NOT have a nervous breakdown
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: 'ah' probably... that or my tendancy to go '...' all the time
Thoughts First Waking Up: '5 more minutes'
Your Best Physical Feature: Um... don't know...
Your Bedtime: whenever... sometime after midnight
Your Most Missed Memory: missed memory... this question doesn't make anymore sense now than it did on the last survey that asked it... If I could remember it, it wouldn't be missing... :P *heh*
Pepsi or Coke: neither, I don't do sodas...
MacDonalds or Burger King: eh... not really partial one way or the other... don't eat much of either...
Single or Group Dates: I don't really date...
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: eh... not sure I've drank much of either...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Strawberry... :p

Cappuccino or Coffee: Mochas... only coffee drink I drink
Do you Smoke: nope
Do you Swear: hell yeah! *heh*
Do you Sing: only in the car with the music up loud enough to drown me out...
Do you Shower Daily: usually not, usually every other day... I think my hair would have a spaz on me if I tried to wash it daily...
Have you Been in Love: Nope... never
Do you want to go to College: In college, nearing in on graduation... and starting to freak out about it...
Do you want to get Married: I'm thinking not...
Do you believe in yourself: not so much...
Do you get Motion Sickness: no, not really...
Do you think you are Attractive: eh...Are you a
Health Freak: hell no
Do you get along with your Parents: Mom, yeah... Dad is best in small infrequent doses... we had a rocky time during my teens (and no, not cause I was like insane out of control... but more cause he was a control freak, and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough... )
Do you like Thunderstorms: Sure, so long as they don't do any damage... and my TV keeps working...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Nope
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: no, unfortunatly...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yeah, was picking up the bro at Lens Crafters
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Never
In the past month have you been on Stage: nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope... but that's because and why I don't date... rejection avoidance...
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: never
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: nope... only slightly buzzed once
Ever been called a Tease: nope
Ever been Beaten up: nope
Ever Shoplifted: nope
How do you want to Die: don't know... gently...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: filmmaker...

Where would you most like to Visit: hmm... either England cause my best friend lives there or Hawaii cause it looks HELLA nice there.

In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue
Favourite Hair Color: Dark (but I'm not to choosy on either of these first two counts)
Short or Long Hair: short ... but there are some guys who can pull off the long hair thing and look hot...
Height: at least a bit taller than me...
Weight: eh... whatever as long as it's not obese and it suits him...

Best Clothing Style: Not sure if this goes above or not... if it's a guy: t-shirt and jeans sort... me: whatever's comfy...

Number of Drugs I have taken: Um... not a lot... all strictly of the asprin or cold relief variety
Number of CDs I own: lots... I'm not gonna count them...
Number of Piercings: 4 (2 in each ear... pretty standard... nothing odd or unique or interesting...)
Number of Tattoos: None... but I want one...
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Oh my... we're not gonna go there... read the Risk and Regret post from the other day...

Risk and Regret

Like when I was really down and most of my drabbles followed that feeling, I'm starting to see a pattern to my last couple drabbles. Only this time they are, well, lusty, flirty, etc... Totally wacky... anyway, yeah... totally got boys on the brain.... again... so many cute boys around... it's amusing and destracting... can't believe how much of this semester has already passed... it's like half over now... and like due dates for things are fast approaching... it's insane...breathing... gotta breathe or I'll freak out... can't think too long about anything, or it will overwhelm. Which I definatly don't need. I guess I just feel like there is so much left undone, that I feel like I'll never get to do, and then it'll all be lost to time, like so many other things.

I had a couple bold moments last week... and I really wish I could keep it up... be a little braver, little stronger, little more successful... but I'm just not sure that when face to face with people, I can muster the nerves to be a little more... but I feel like if I don't, I'll only regret it all in the end... and I'm really tired of regrets... I always try not to dwell on those things skipped over, and paths not taken in life... and usually I can keep those things out of mind for the moment, but sometimes it all rushes at me. I don't want to spend more time just building up more regrets. I don't need more regrets, I've already got plenty of them. I want to feel like I tried at least, so that I don't later turn around and go, "I should have done that like that..." But I'm also so afraid of the mistakes that can be made, of the things that can work out all wrong... I also don't really fancy the idea of turning around and feeling like I fucked something all up because of something I did... I've got some of that too... but I'm trying to think if there was a time where I did take a shot at something where I didn't know the outcome, and it didn't go quite right, wound up not the way I wanted... and if it felt nearly as bad as all those things I didn't push hard enough at, that I shyed away from for fear of what would happen, and then later regretted... I'm not sure if there is... maybe it is best to take the risks, because then at least if it turns out not how you want... yeah you have some possible pain or bad feeling about it, but it's none the less right there in front of you to sort out and make sense of, even if it's not what you wanted from it. It's clear, you can make peace with it if you understand it and know you took a shot. But if you never try, the 'what ifs' will never let you rest... they will haunt you years later down the road...

But fear is a powerful thing still. And I have a powerful fear responce. Once it kicks in, it's really hard to get past. It has probably kept me from doing and trying a great many things. Some of those things, it's probably not a bad thing that it kept me from jumping and trying some things. However, perhaps I need to really work on gauging the potential fall out factor. Things that could have actual long term ramifications, perhaps I should listen a little harder to the fear response. But things that are minor, where it's more about me exposing some part of myself and potentially feeling a little embarassed if I'm wrong, or am not listened to, or am brushed off none the less... those are things that can be frustrating, painful, and hard at the moment, where perhaps even you feel for a bit like sinking into a hole for a while... but after a little bit, you deal, get over it, and decide it's not the end, and move on... and then, you don't have any regrets either... because you braved a little and took a shot at something, and good or bad in the end, you have a result that you can deal with, instead of being left staring at a lot of questions of 'what if'.

Draining...

So, I suddenly feel kind of drained of energy, and 'perk'. I was way over energetic earlier... and for the last week been all reved... and now I'm having at least a momentary drop off. Could be watching this Lifetime movie about people with real problems... or maybe I've just exausted myself after some chatter last night and this morning... I don't know... and now after the day got greyer and greyer... it's now raining... which is alright, seems to suit at the the moment... I'm not like sad or depressed or anything... just kind of drained, out of it, verging on numbish...

And sometime tonight I have to pull out at least one of those bins under my bed and toss some shit from it... because I'm told I have to... whatever... anyway... am supposed to do some thing for video... like short thing... still have no idea... but whatever... figure something out eventually... probably... anyway...

Just rambling... as usual

I'm having a weird mood. Stayed up till like 10am this morning, and then slept till like 4pm. My sleep is offically wacked... *L* funny how that happens literally EVERY time I don't have school or work to regulate when I need to sleep. So tonight is the time change and all that.. Spring forward! :p Whatever, I swear, that time change shit is all just to fuck with the minds of people who have to talk to people internationally... Cause it's a real bitch trying to figure out what time it's supposed to be in Austraila or the UK on a normal basis, but toss in time changes that happen at different times and go different ways if we're dealing with Austraila, and everything goes nutty... Finally got around to updating my other blogs last night. The drabble (which I need to try and tend to more often), the photo blog (which I need to either take some more pictures or scan some more old ones), and my LJ quotes journal. Which now I have some more quotes for, cause last night/this morning when I was online and bored, I spent like an hour or more sitting on this one site reading famous quotes from famous people. Spent most of the time reading quotes from Sartre, Shakespeare, Twain, and Nietzsche.

My latest drabble has no basis in my reality... just my over active imagination... which played a scene much like that a few days ago while trying to go to sleep... *L*... but, anyway... that's beside the point... I am thinking of making another LJ post using one of the Twain quotes I found and illustrating it less with words than with an image... not sure though... we'll see if any Pieces of Wisdom end up with photo imagery...

Tattoo Dream Boy... and some other stuff...

So, following my post yesterday, I did end up having a pretty cool day on Thursday. Chat was fun... and then my internship was fun. Noticed that the hot guy who I think in one of my surveys I may have mentioned turned up in a dream I had, that he's got a tattoo on the back of his neck. :) Noticed after a little convo with him in which there was a lot of smiling and eye contact. I like that. *L* Then when he was leaving to go to the control room I glanced after him and noticed the tattoo. I'm not gonna name names, although I think I'm pretty safe as this blog isn't read by too many people, and I'm not sure that anyone I actually know face to face even knows where to find it. And if they do, I'm further not certain that they'd know who he is. *LOL* Anyway... the tattoo proved a good opener to a second slightly longer conversation with him a little later at the snack table. *LOL* And I've finally figured out who he reminds me of. It's not so much he really looks like this actor, but they have a similar quality to their looks. (Which I think I'd define as a little devilish, and mysterious.) The actor he shares qualities with is Nicholas Lea (Alex Krycek from The X-Files). Anyway, so, yeah... was a good day. Had a third conversation with him also, briefly about the bottled water we were drinking. *L* I know it doesn't sound exciting, but it was very joking and included yet more smiling and eye contact. *L* Oh, and I did ask, the tattoo is Japanese and means balance. He asked if I had any tattoos... I don't... but have wanted one for about 10 years now, since I was like 15. Same thing, same place. I want a sun, like this pendant I have, on the back of my left shoulder. I just need to get over the fear of the pain factor and do it. *L* Cause it'd be cool... and seeing as it's been 10 years and my thought as to what and where has not changed, I'm probably pretty safe in doing it and not ending up hating the thing later.

Yeah, so, I think this may be the first entry in a while in which I've talked so much or so specifically about one guy, well a guy I actually know and not some public figure male who's like an actor or athlete or something. *L* I just don't usually do that. The last one may have been before Blogger actually. Last one I really recall off hand was my journal from late July 2001 I think, in which I talked about my friend Andrea's brother who I spent a good deal of the 4th of July that year flirting with and well... things got a tad cozy in the back seat... nothing too much of anything though, seeing as well, there were like 5 other people in the car at the time. *L* But yeah, not sure what possessed me, guess it's the left over rush of probably the most exciting day of my whole spring break, not just cause of Tattoo Dream Boy (gotta love a nick name like that *L*) ... but cause of all the stuff in the day that lead up to that... all my boldness and such *L*. Which no, I still will not detail. But yeah... *L* felt like sharing a little... probably had to share that so I wasn't tempted to share the other stuff from earlier that day, which I do intend to keep to myself... :p

Yeah so, I just decided to title the post after my new 'extended' nickname for the guy... previously he'd just been Dream Boy (cause he'd turned up in a dream I had, totally random, and unfortunatly can't recall what the dream was about or why he was there *L*)... now that I've seen the tattoo, I've extended the nickname *L* ...to Tattoo Dream Boy... *L*... anyway... *hehehe*