Fear

So I turn on some music and think again of all the things I wish I had the nerve to say, to shout to the world. In some vain attempt to connect, to reach someone who perhaps feels like I do... but somehow I think my fears will forever get the better of me, that they will rule me for life... and that all this stuff will simply be locked up inside for the life of me... and yet the fear doesn't even make sense... I'm pretty convinced I'll never see any of the people I know right now again once graduation day passes, yet I fear just letting it out... I guess I don't want to be judged... the fear of a bad reaction prevents the desire to just let it all out... but if I never see any of them again, what does any of what I do matter... logic would say I may as well just say what I want to say and let it go... and maybe find some kind of therapy in the action... but, not sure it will happen, even if logic tells me I have nothing of value to lose in the attempt... no one but me stops me... I've been stopping myself from really living life for so long, fears that just consume anything else... yet, none of those fears do me any good, they don't save me from the bad things, they only keep me locked up inside myself, inside all these walls I've built around myself...

It all comes back down to the same things... the same things I've been saying to myself self here for weeks and weeks... I fear taking the risks and end up living with the regrets... and for as much as I tell myself the risk is better... because even if it causes pain, it's all clear and can be sorted through... I can't seem to actually let go of the fears I hang onto... I hang onto them for dear life, even though they are what is slowly choaking the life out of me...