Revealing...

So I sit, in the middle of the night, thinking about my life and who I am, who I'd wanted to be. All those things I never did, all those chances at things I've let pass me by for fear of not getting it all perfectly right. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do. I mean, comparatively, my life really isn't all that bad. So who am I to complain about all this, by comparison, meaningless shit that I let eat away at me. None the less, I can't help this feeling inside, that voice that reminds me of all those things I want, that with every passing moment feel farther and farther from my grasp. But then I wonder if I really even know what I want, what I need. Do I only think I want things, because that's what other people, society seem to all want. I try so hard to find a contentment in myself, but it's hard. It's really hard sometimes. I have an impulse to reach out and connect with other people, yet I can't seem to. I'm too scared, or socially inept, or something. And then I wonder why I should even need other people? I've heard it's human nature or something, that contact with other people is just something we as a species need. Well, if that's true then I think it explains a few things anyway. However, it doesn't help the situation. I used to think I was pretty good at making new friends, but as I think back seriously even to elementary school, I'm not sure I was. I sometimes could get up the nerve to approach the 'new kid', because I felt like they didn't have any friends yet, so they might welcome someone introducing themselves. Like perhaps they would need me in some way, if only for a few day until they got comfortable and met some more people. But in situations where people already know other people, I just lose all nerve. I become unable to just walk up and say 'hello'. It's not like 'hello' is really a high risk word or anything. Generally most people don't react badly to a 'hello'. Yet, I'm too afraid to use it. And thus have cut myself off from the rest of the world. From other people. Yet, all that stuff from the other side of my little wall still seeps through to get to me. But none of what I build up inside can get out. So everything just sits surrounding me until I can't take it any more. I want to tear down these walls. I hate them. They haven't spared me any of the hurt I'd hoped they would. They have only cause me more pain, pain I still don't feel like I have any right to have. Everyone's got problems. The world is full of fucking problems that make mine look pathetic. And so I can't bother others with my problems, because they all have problems of their own. They don't need mine too. And so the wall grows bigger. I want to rip this fucking wall down. I want to not be afraid of what's out there. I want to connect to the people around me. I want to have hope. I want to not hurt and regret my whole life. I want to need, and be needed. I want to be who I am, and be content with that. I'm just not so sure how...