Rambling on... anticipating...

So, I sat down today, alone, in a hallway at school... which was mostly unbusy, seeing as it was Saturday... and tried to do this thing for my video class, this one project that I've kind of put off for several weeks now... for two reasons, lack of ideas, and lack of ability to actually shoot the ideas I do have... yeah, convienient... been starting to wonder if all this wanting to connect with other people is just stupid... if I should just try and make myself do without it... why do I feel like I need to anyway... why should I need anyone beyond my house? I don't know... it's all very frustrating...

I somehow had these expectations for college, what it would be, what I'd come out of it with... and aside from the actual education, I haven't gotten any of it. I recall many people through the course of like high school telling me that college would be the place where I'd meet most of the people who would be like 'life long friends'. Well, I'm not sure that I've connected with anyone such that any of them will want to try and stay in contact, stay connected once graduation day comes and goes... and that makes me sad... after the education, the thing I'd most hoped for, and wanted from my college experience, was feeling like I'd made a few really good friends, people who would carry past my college career and into the rest of my life... but, somehow, that's seeming highly unlikely to happen...

I still feel like my fears are holding me back... and that I've screwed up yet another stage of my life, that will never be gotten back. I've missed out on so many things that most people experience... things that are sort of considered social, and development milestones... I'm starting to realize just how many milestones are missing along my path... how I've really not gone very far... I'm just so far behind, that it seems almost hopeless that I'll ever get down that road that I thought I'd be on, that I wanted to be on...

I feel like life as I know it ends in like a month... and because everything is so unknow at that point, I don't have anything I'm looking forward too... all the things I'm wanting, hopeing for, anticipating, are all confined to the coming month... after that... there's nothing... I'm staring into a void that begins the summer... and it's making me crazy... it's stressing me out... it's freaking me out... it's totally fucking terrifying...