What is Love?

Okay, not sure where this thought came from... well sort of do. I was having a rather extensive conversation today with some people in my class, and we were talking about families, and guys, and such. (We were all females) And one of the gals mentioned how there are very few real men out there, particularly in our society. One of the other gals mentioned her father, and how he's been like the only person who totally unconditionally showed her love and caring. Which got me thinking about my dad, and mentioned some stuff to them. The first gal nodded about the 'see' some guys will just always be guys... not men.

For the like 12 years my parents were married, my father never wore a ring. And I don't think he ever wanted that husband father role. He was 29 when I was born, and I was quite plainly an accident. I have a feeling it was my dad's Irish Catholic upbringing that made him feel like he had to marry her if she wasn't going to have an abortion. (which in only recent years, like since high school has my mom mentioned that he had mentioned that to her... and had previously gotten another woman pregant and she did have an abortion... anyway...) So, I must say that all of that knowledge never did wonders for my worth or feeling of acceptance... but anyway...
I also recall my mom saying, and in thinking of it... My dad never said 'I love you' to my mom. She'd say it to him, and he'd pull one of those 'yeah', 'uh-huh', or 'me too' things... the scary part is, I've become like that too. Not that I've ever been in love like romantically... but like with family and stuff... the word love is not one that comes easy to me... and often the times I force it out, it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Not because I'm lying, or that I don't feel the love... I just can't stand the word for some reason. I also have trouble hugging people... which is probably a related issue...

And if you really look at it, I'm not the first to notice this... L-O-V-E.... count up the letters... there's 4 of them. Love is a four letter word. And one that's much more dangerous, and potentially distructive and hurtful than a word like shit or fuck. So, why do people get themselves into this feeling? Well, because it seems to be something that's almost needed to us as people. We need it in some form or another, even if it's simply the love of a faithful furry friend. I mean, that's why dogs are called man's best friend. That's why they say that owning a cat can extend one's life. Because there is another being to love and be loved by. It makes us feel good, feel happy, feel... well, loved. Love is a sign of acceptance, caring, comfort.

So, well, that kind of worries me. I have trouble even saying love to my cats. Now that doesn't mean I don't love them, because I very much do. Same with my family. And my very close friends. I have love for them all. I'd like to think they have it for me too. But it's not a word I can seem to form very easily, for any of them... I'm concerned that without ever even having been in love, I've managed to grow up with a very bad vision of love, and an aversion to the word it's self.