Risk and Regret

Like when I was really down and most of my drabbles followed that feeling, I'm starting to see a pattern to my last couple drabbles. Only this time they are, well, lusty, flirty, etc... Totally wacky... anyway, yeah... totally got boys on the brain.... again... so many cute boys around... it's amusing and destracting... can't believe how much of this semester has already passed... it's like half over now... and like due dates for things are fast approaching... it's insane...breathing... gotta breathe or I'll freak out... can't think too long about anything, or it will overwhelm. Which I definatly don't need. I guess I just feel like there is so much left undone, that I feel like I'll never get to do, and then it'll all be lost to time, like so many other things.

I had a couple bold moments last week... and I really wish I could keep it up... be a little braver, little stronger, little more successful... but I'm just not sure that when face to face with people, I can muster the nerves to be a little more... but I feel like if I don't, I'll only regret it all in the end... and I'm really tired of regrets... I always try not to dwell on those things skipped over, and paths not taken in life... and usually I can keep those things out of mind for the moment, but sometimes it all rushes at me. I don't want to spend more time just building up more regrets. I don't need more regrets, I've already got plenty of them. I want to feel like I tried at least, so that I don't later turn around and go, "I should have done that like that..." But I'm also so afraid of the mistakes that can be made, of the things that can work out all wrong... I also don't really fancy the idea of turning around and feeling like I fucked something all up because of something I did... I've got some of that too... but I'm trying to think if there was a time where I did take a shot at something where I didn't know the outcome, and it didn't go quite right, wound up not the way I wanted... and if it felt nearly as bad as all those things I didn't push hard enough at, that I shyed away from for fear of what would happen, and then later regretted... I'm not sure if there is... maybe it is best to take the risks, because then at least if it turns out not how you want... yeah you have some possible pain or bad feeling about it, but it's none the less right there in front of you to sort out and make sense of, even if it's not what you wanted from it. It's clear, you can make peace with it if you understand it and know you took a shot. But if you never try, the 'what ifs' will never let you rest... they will haunt you years later down the road...

But fear is a powerful thing still. And I have a powerful fear responce. Once it kicks in, it's really hard to get past. It has probably kept me from doing and trying a great many things. Some of those things, it's probably not a bad thing that it kept me from jumping and trying some things. However, perhaps I need to really work on gauging the potential fall out factor. Things that could have actual long term ramifications, perhaps I should listen a little harder to the fear response. But things that are minor, where it's more about me exposing some part of myself and potentially feeling a little embarassed if I'm wrong, or am not listened to, or am brushed off none the less... those are things that can be frustrating, painful, and hard at the moment, where perhaps even you feel for a bit like sinking into a hole for a while... but after a little bit, you deal, get over it, and decide it's not the end, and move on... and then, you don't have any regrets either... because you braved a little and took a shot at something, and good or bad in the end, you have a result that you can deal with, instead of being left staring at a lot of questions of 'what if'.