Yeah, okay so last night I did something a little daring. A little more daring then would normally be me. What exactly that is, I won't say. *L* But there may be a person or two who may know what I mean. It was fun, exciting... totally not something I'd have thought I'd do a couple months ago. I really think I need to try and be more daring, more bold. At least occationally. Doesn't have to be all the time, or even super frequently... but just from time to time. To break out of this little shell I like to tuck myself away into. Like a hermit crab making that daring break to nab a new and cooler shell. *LOL*
Hopeing this is the start to a very fun, and good day. :)
Just finished watching the Buffy episode "Hush". Which is quite possibly one of the most brilliant hours of television ever made. Joss is genius. Now watching The Practice... episodes with James Spader. *L* James Spader is just amazing... his attitude just makes him incredibly sexy! *LOL*
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Online Quiz
Okay, so I'm not one to generally post up my results from online quizzes. Which doesn't mean I don't take them. I see them often in other people's blogs, LJs, and such, and often follow the link and take the quiz myself. However, I pretty much never post my own results to my blog or anywhere else for that matter. For me, my blog isn't just some place to display quiz results, though for some people that's generally what they use their's for, which is totally legitimate, just not what I generally care to use mine for. Mine is more for venting, ranting, rambling, etc... But I'm online and bored again, and tonight I've taken up taking online quizzes again. Not abnormal for me when bored, I often take quiz after quiz when bored. Tonight I have been on QuizFarm and took many quizzes... still on it now... will probably take another quiz as soon as I'm done posting... but just felt like sharing the results of this one quiz...
| You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's" Wikipedia User Page...
What philosophy do you follow? (v1.02) created with QuizFarm.com |
Monday, March 28, 2005
yeah... so... umm...
So, not really sure what to say right now... the only thing happening is, well, shitty... we're gonna have to get a plummer in this week to try yet again to fix the leak that won't go away. My mom's freaking out cause the house really is basically falling appart and she has no idea how we're gonna move and sell the place. Etc, etc... yadda, yadda, yadda... anyway, so it sucks and is a big pain in the ass... The only other plan for the week so far is grocery shopping and Thursday night I have the usual shoot for my internship. Must do a little online research also for the project I'm helping on... just cause, well, it's not like I don't have the time... cause I do... got lots of time to do nothing... at least nothing that can really be catagorized as real fun... Right now, I'm expecting that the shoot on Thursday will actually be the funnest thing I do all of Spring Break... yeah, so... anyway...
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Impending Lameness of Spring Break
So, just about everyone I know at school has some kind of fun plans for Spring Break, including the one or two who are staying in town for the week. They at least are planning to spend lots of time with their significant other (don't have one of those), is getting their house to themselves, and/or getting to stay someplace else cool to house sit, or have some kind of other plans for the week. Me, I'm maybe going to see about amusing myself by going to a couple movies during the week, alone of course... but then I used to do that a lot... maybe I should make a point of seeing more movies by myself. But aside from solo trips to the movies, I'm going to be just sitting around at home and working on my internship... as we're gonna obviously be short handed next week, because most everyone else is well, going away for Spring Break.
Yeah, 8 years of college, and I've never had an exciting Spring Break. It always goes like this. When I was working I'd pick up extra hours that week, when I didn't I'd just sleep in more. But that's always been about the extent of my 'fun' for Spring Break. Eh... so it goes I guess... nothing I can do about it now... it's too late and it's too bad... anyway... I probably wouldn't enjoy going someplace warm and tropical anyway, right?
Yeah, 8 years of college, and I've never had an exciting Spring Break. It always goes like this. When I was working I'd pick up extra hours that week, when I didn't I'd just sleep in more. But that's always been about the extent of my 'fun' for Spring Break. Eh... so it goes I guess... nothing I can do about it now... it's too late and it's too bad... anyway... I probably wouldn't enjoy going someplace warm and tropical anyway, right?
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
For the Solitary
So, I forced one thing out of my mind, by using another thing to fill it's space. Now that thing I used to replace needs to get out of my head... so I'm hoping that during Spring Break, and maybe some trips to the movies alone will kind of force me back into my aloneness and into that imaginary world that is all that I have to really thrive on. Course it may have been what lead me to this place to begin with... but I've been content here, at least once in a while, so I'll have to try to be again. To try and learn, for real, to live in solitary. No one else can every truly be counted on... Think I may have just thought of what my next LJ entry will come from... The sad thing is, that I've said these words many times before, yet somehow they won't stick. I've had this conversation with myself before... as far back as high school, I've tried to make that notion stick.
It usually works for a little while, but then I either become desperate for socializing again, or I become so horribly mistrustful of everyone else that I just sink down into myself... and then there are the times when both happen at once, and that's never a good place... I just don't know what to do now... I really should go back to that entry I made some months ago... Just Shut Up!... it really is the best idea... just shut up... no one wants to hear it, no one needs to hear it... I just need to get over this shit... and accept my fucked up little pathetic excuse for a life the way it is...
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT... STUPID GIRL!
It usually works for a little while, but then I either become desperate for socializing again, or I become so horribly mistrustful of everyone else that I just sink down into myself... and then there are the times when both happen at once, and that's never a good place... I just don't know what to do now... I really should go back to that entry I made some months ago... Just Shut Up!... it really is the best idea... just shut up... no one wants to hear it, no one needs to hear it... I just need to get over this shit... and accept my fucked up little pathetic excuse for a life the way it is...
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT... STUPID GIRL!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Realization of Fucking Reality
You ever have a moment where you just realize that you were right all along about the fucking sad reality of your life, and that it's just how it's gonna be... how it was fucking ment to be. Well, I was clearly someone who was never ment for love or relationships, or feeling close to people. Maybe it's just not even in my nature, my personality. Maybe it's only something I think I want in the most desperate of moments. What the fuck do I even want or need with a guy. What the hell would I even do with one? I have no fucking idea, therefore I shouldn't have any use for one right? Good, let's keep that in mind...
I really am starting to believe (maybe again) that I'm just not meant to have any of that shit... friendship, romance, sex, love, human contact, etc... I'm just not supposed to have any of it... I'm not supposed to need it, so I really should stop thinking that I want any of it... I don't... repeat that... I don't want any of that shit! Yeah, we'll see if I can make myself believe that shit... who knows, it's possible, I've made myself believe crazier, more fucked up shit then that before...
I really am starting to believe (maybe again) that I'm just not meant to have any of that shit... friendship, romance, sex, love, human contact, etc... I'm just not supposed to have any of it... I'm not supposed to need it, so I really should stop thinking that I want any of it... I don't... repeat that... I don't want any of that shit! Yeah, we'll see if I can make myself believe that shit... who knows, it's possible, I've made myself believe crazier, more fucked up shit then that before...
Monday, March 21, 2005
Watching
I was thinking today in the car on the ride home, and realized, I really do have a voyeristic tendancy. I love to watch things happen. Course I've known for a long time I'm not so much the joiner type as the observer type. Doesn't mean that I pick up on every little detail, I just pick up on what's of interest to me, what catches my attention, which may or may not be the obvious thing happening in front of me. My group in my video class started tossing around ideas for our improv and then shot a bit of it, and in doing so, a more extencive idea occured to me. I now have another project I want to do for the class, I still want to do the first one too though. But now I want to do this like reality inspired bit, in the girl's room... a sort of 'tales from the girls room'... all the weird stuff that goes on in the girls bathroom, gossip, random talk, fixing makeup, adjusting clothes (specifically thinking of adjusting the boobs *L*). I started thinking back to like junior high, to those school dances, where half the excitement of the night, and half the interesting stuff went down in the girl's bathroom. Gossip, trash talk, crying, girly talk, etc... all shot while never really revealing who you're looking at. All body parts. Eyes, lips, hands, chests, feet... it's an idea. We also got talking about a sort of 'expressive feet' idea, from this same base idea we had for our improv. One of the gals in my group was talking about how expressive just a person's feet can be. I'd be interested in doing something with that also... So many strange and interesting ideas... and then there's my original story that I still want to shoot, where in we bascially see three different parts of the same person, all physcially present at once. The Body, The Girl, The Soul... it's a little off beat, and different, but that's why I like it, it's not something I've seen a million times...
But when I was driving home and thinking about the idea of the girls' room stories, and then glanced in the rear view mirror, which at one point I'd been thinking that there could be potential for a series of photos 'in the rear view'... and what I realized about both those ideas, is they are very much in the vein of many of the photos I took in my photography classes. Something I've had several people comment on upon seeing the photos, that there is a very voyeristic quality to them. The photos are candid in nature, best if no one notices or at least cares that I'm there taking the picture... catching moments that seem almost private, even in public places. One image for example was of three boys gathered around together in a very tight circle, seeming to all be looking at something. I do like watching people, or other animals... also on the way home I found myself at a red light, and was destracted from everything else for a moment by this crow on the side of the road who was trying to eat something.
Anyway... just felt like saying that... it's an odd bit about me, that may or may not be fairly clearly noticable to anyone else who might see me... but, is something I note now, because it is a tendancy of mine, a part of my personality... and something that I was in particular noticing today...
But when I was driving home and thinking about the idea of the girls' room stories, and then glanced in the rear view mirror, which at one point I'd been thinking that there could be potential for a series of photos 'in the rear view'... and what I realized about both those ideas, is they are very much in the vein of many of the photos I took in my photography classes. Something I've had several people comment on upon seeing the photos, that there is a very voyeristic quality to them. The photos are candid in nature, best if no one notices or at least cares that I'm there taking the picture... catching moments that seem almost private, even in public places. One image for example was of three boys gathered around together in a very tight circle, seeming to all be looking at something. I do like watching people, or other animals... also on the way home I found myself at a red light, and was destracted from everything else for a moment by this crow on the side of the road who was trying to eat something.
Anyway... just felt like saying that... it's an odd bit about me, that may or may not be fairly clearly noticable to anyone else who might see me... but, is something I note now, because it is a tendancy of mine, a part of my personality... and something that I was in particular noticing today...
Friday, March 18, 2005
Rambling and shit (or Anticipating another lame weekend)
Okay, so the week was generally a good one, however I think my weekend may be shit before it even starts. Basically what I was looking forward to this weekend, in all likely hood, ain't gonna happen, and everything else this weekend is just stuff to do, or nothing to do... And I'm already bored as hell...Have to do some little family thing Saturday, which might not be terrible, but seems like with my mom's family is always just a tad stressful these days (by these days I mean like the past 5 or so years...) .... anyway... so, yeah... trying not to let the vague disapointment of the impending weekend bring me totally down though... I mean, it's not like I normally do anything shockingly fun over the weekend. It's generally filled with running errands, watching movies I've seen a zillion times, and occationally a new rental I haven't seen, and bumming around online. And at least this weekend still has a few chances to get out of the house to do things that aren't just grocery shopping, so... anyway, might not be all bad anyway... but probably won't be as fun as I'd hoped, nor will it deliver what I'd been anticipating...
I'd been planning to go out to a club Saturday night, but the friend I was gonna go with is probably gonna back out due mostly to the cost, and further complications of having a lot of homework... all of which I totally understand, it's cool... I just wish I had someone else to invite. But she was kind of my only other option, as my friend I normally go with is like insane busy with studying for a slew of exams she has coming up. And well... One & two... they are pretty much my entire social circle... I have no one else to invite... BAH!... and where the fuck did I get that term? I have a feeling it's those people on my message boards and chats... I know I've seen people use that excessively, I just never used it myself till, like, this week... but, whatever... eh... yeah, so... okay... guess that's it now...
I'd been planning to go out to a club Saturday night, but the friend I was gonna go with is probably gonna back out due mostly to the cost, and further complications of having a lot of homework... all of which I totally understand, it's cool... I just wish I had someone else to invite. But she was kind of my only other option, as my friend I normally go with is like insane busy with studying for a slew of exams she has coming up. And well... One & two... they are pretty much my entire social circle... I have no one else to invite... BAH!... and where the fuck did I get that term? I have a feeling it's those people on my message boards and chats... I know I've seen people use that excessively, I just never used it myself till, like, this week... but, whatever... eh... yeah, so... okay... guess that's it now...
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Sometimes It's Just Better to Say Less...
Okay, was going to make a post, about some cool stuff the other day... but decided, nah, I'll keep it to myself. So, I'm posting this instead... yeah, self censorship, not nessisarily a bad thing... hell, can often be a good thing... I mentioned the other day to someone about wondering about what someone else was thinking at a particular moment, and was convinced that it's best not to know... *L* there are reasons why people don't say every little thing they think... if we did, we'd probably all drive ourselves and everyone else nuts... and freak each other out... often... *LOL*... anyway... yeah, so I'm self censoring my Tuesday... but suffice to say, it was a good day, and that good mood has carried through Wednesday as well... Hopeing for some more roll over into Thursday... hell, then I've almost got the makings of a pretty cool week... *L*
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Little Better Than Okay...
So, I'm actually doing alright so far this week. Monday was fun, even pretty social, considering it was just school, and then home. Laughed a lot, and even dared to get infront of the camera, on the condition I didn't have to look at it and edit after *L*. Talked to a lot of people, it was a good day. Today has been pretty mellow. Just had my Dino class this morning, and now online and have talked or am talking to a couple people. Later today I have an internship meeting, which is cool, they are usually not bad. There's some cool people there who keep things high energy and fun. :)
Been listening to Papa Roach's "Getting Away with Murder" CD in the car the last several days, and I actually really think it's also helped in just getting the frustrated energy out of my system. It was funny how I even discovered it. I was super bored online one day the other week and was browsing My Space, which I'd joined a few weeks ago (again as a result of online boredem). *L* And was just randomly browsing the profiles of everyone who does or did go to the high school I went to, and on this one person's bio found the song "Scars" was playing on their profile, and it just caught me.
So, I'm getting by for now... not feeling bad at the moment... hopeing it'll maybe last a while...
Been listening to Papa Roach's "Getting Away with Murder" CD in the car the last several days, and I actually really think it's also helped in just getting the frustrated energy out of my system. It was funny how I even discovered it. I was super bored online one day the other week and was browsing My Space, which I'd joined a few weeks ago (again as a result of online boredem). *L* And was just randomly browsing the profiles of everyone who does or did go to the high school I went to, and on this one person's bio found the song "Scars" was playing on their profile, and it just caught me.
So, I'm getting by for now... not feeling bad at the moment... hopeing it'll maybe last a while...
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Big Ass Survey
Nabbed off the LJ of a friend of a friend... cause as per usual, it's late and I'm bored...
Name: Meegan
Nickname: Meg, Mimi, Meegy
Age: 25
Birth Date: June 1979
Sign: Cancer
Eyes: Grey-Blue-Greenish
Hair: Brown
Height: 5'3 1/2"
Pets: 3 cats
Bf/Gf: *heh* yeah, right, that'll happen
_Favorites_
Bands: The Calling, Low Millions, Michelle Branch, Christina Aguilera, Save Ferris, Dido... Newley discovered Papa Roach
Music Genre: Whatever genre all those people fit into...
Cereal: Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, Blueberry Mornings, Cocoa Puffs
Jolly Rancher: Watermelon
M&M: Blue
Hangout: Don't have one, unless you count sitting at home on my computer a 'hangout'
Day: Sunday
Month: I'm not sure it makes much a difference anymore. I don't think there's a month in the year that I specifically look forward to anymore.
Season: Summer i guess,... but I kind of like them all these days
Shoes: Um, these little black slip ons that I have are cool
Restaurants: don't eat out much... Roundtable pizza's not bad...
Cars: 1960's models of the Mustangs
Person To Talk To Online: Sarai
Person To Talk To On The Phone: Andrea
_This Or That_
Boxer or Briefs: boxers
Plaid Or Striped: plaid I guess...
Alt. Or Rap: alternative
Ska Or Punk: don't know... maybe punk, but ska's cool too... loved Save Ferris
Classical Or Country: country
Salt Or Pepper: salt
Coke Or Pepsi: neither
Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb: neither
Sprite Or Seven up: neither.... I don't really do sodas...
Skittles-Original, Tropical, Or Wildberry: Original probably
Bleh Or Blah: eh...
Okay, Ok, Or O.K.: okay
Shake Or Stir: stir
Bright Colors Or Dark Colors: Dark
Snap, Crackle, or Pop: Pop snaps more than crackle... *heh*
Half Empty Or Half Full: well, depends on the mood, I probably veer a little more to the half empty though...
Sunshine Or Rain: Sun... but I don't mind some rain too
Sun Or Moon: both
Silver Or Gold: Silver
Frogs Or Toads: frogs I guess...
_Short Answer_
Left Handed Or Right Handed: right... but I'm fairly good with the left hand considering...
Are you Smart: sort of
What's your Middle Name: Hope
How Many Personalities Do you Have: at least a few... probably...
How Many Piercings Do you Have: two in each ear, the standard setting... pretty typical... hardly ever actually wear earings though
Tattoos: no, still want one though... but well, the pain factor concerns me...
Do you Read your Horoscopes: occationally
Do you Believe In That Stuff: eh... not much...
Can you Drive: yeah...
Do you Keep A Journal: several
What Languages Do you Know: English... tried to learn Spanish a couple times, but apparently I'm linguistically retarded...
Do you Like Cotton Candy: yes... it's sugar in fluffy form... :)
What Do you Sleep In: PJs
How Many Times Have You Moved Houses: 6 times... all by the age of 9... haven't moved since, but planning to move north to Portland or Seattle soon... kinda freaked out by that...
Is your Room Messy: yeah, a bit
Do you Like your Handwriting: not really, it's kind of an all over the place mess...
Do you Like Fingerpaint: guess... haven't fingerpainted since grade school though...
Do you Sleep With Stuffed Animals: yeah...gotta have something to cuddle sometimes, plus, their cute
Are you Ticklish: a bit... but I don't really recall how much or where... no one's tickled me in ages...
Are you A Morning Person: No...
_Hard Questions_
Would you Rather Burn To Death Or Freeze To Death: Neither sounds very pleasant...
Would you Eat A Bowl Of Live Crickets For 40,000: Um, I'm thinking no...
Where Do you Want To Live: California is good for me... but I probably won't be here much longer... and starting to wonder if once I leave, if I'll ever have the means to come back... I think I miss it and I haven't even gone yet... It's just a part of me...
Spell your Name Backwards: nageem
If you Could Have Any Animal For A Pet, What Would It Be: Cat
Ever Been To Belgium: Nope... never been out of the US at this point...
What's your Favorite Coin: um... penny maybe, cause it's different
_Describe your_
Pillow Cover: flannel, light in color
Sunglasses: familiar... been wearing this same pair for years now... copper colored wire, rectangularish lenses
Shoes: black, solid...
Cologne/Perfume: don't wear any...
CD In Stereo Right Now: I believe I've got Papa Roach: "Getting away with Murder" in my CD player currently
Makeup: really don't wear any except on the occation I go out someplace fun...
_Last Thing you_
Bought: Um...pizza bagel at school Friday...
Read: another chapter in "Wasteland" by Francesca Lia Block ... also Friday at school
Thought Of: Um... the answer to the last one...*L*
_Either/Or_
Tea Or Coffee: Tea
Beer Or Cider: Cider
Cats Or Dogs: Cats
Pen Or Pencil: Pen
Gloves Or Mittens: Gloves
Food Or Candy: Candy
Cassette Or CD: Shouldn't this be like CD or Download at this point? Does anyone even bother with cassettes anymore? I mean I don't have a CD player in my car, but that's what that adapter is for with the portable.
_You_
Want: comfort... it came to mind, so I guess so...
Need: piece of mind... or peace of mind... either or...
Live To: okay these questions are hard... I guess to just be... to create... to create and to be... ???
Make: images...
Want To Be: a filmmaker... but I'd take being a photographer also...
_Describe_
Your Heritage: Um... we don't know my mom's background... so my dad's is all I have... so... Irish...
The Shoes you Ware: Didn't I do this a couple sections back... their black and chunky and comfy
Your eyes: kind of dull colored... grey with a bit of green and blue at times...
One Thing you'd Like To Achieve: Um... contentment... with myself and the world
Your First Thoughts Waking up: Ugh....5 more minutes...
Your Best Physical Feature: um... I have no idea...
Your Bedtime: whenever I go to bed...
Your Greatest Accomplishment: Um... no idea...
Your Most Missed Memory: Don't ask me memory questions... I never have an answer for them...
_You Prefer_
Pepsi Or Coke: I think this was asked before too...
McDonald’s Or Burger King: hmm... don't know that I care...
Adidas Or Nike: Adidas on the grounds that I still own one of their jackets from like 12 years ago, and it still keeps the rain out...
Chocolate Or Vanilla: Hmm... depends on the mood I think...
Cappuccino Or Coffee: Don't know...
_DO you_
Smoke: No
Cuss: Sure as Shit... *heh*
Have A Crush(es): Yeah, a few, that I need to get out of my head... nothing but a nusance... cause it's not like there's any fucking point to having them, all they do is distract from everything else, because it's not like they are ever going to be anything more than crushes... complete waste of fucking time...
Who are They: If any were attainable I might mention it, but since they aren't, it's really not worth mentioning now is it...
Want To Go To College: Already there, and hopefully nearly done...
Like High School: Make that DID I like high school... and for the most part, no...
Want To Get Married: Not really
Type With your Fingers On The Right Keys: yes... about the only thing I got out of that fucking typing class in 7th grade that was good...
Believe In yourself: occationally... but not often enough...
Get Motion Sickness: not really... not generally anyway...
Think your Attractive: not really...
Think your A Health Freak: Definatly NOT
Get Along With your Parents: with my mom yes... my dad, I didn't, it's better now though, that we only see each other a few times a year
Like Thunderstorms: as long as they don't hit anything important...
Play An Instrument: No... wish I could though...
_Did/Have you_
Drank Alcohol: yeah
Smoked: no
Gone To The Mall: yeah
Eaten Sushi: no
Been On Stage: only a tiny one in a classroom...
Gone skating: yeah, but not for ages...
Made Homemade Cookies: Yup... usually do that at least once a year...
Dyed your Hair: yeah, trying to grow out the Black I dyed it last time so I can go red again
Stolen Anything: not really
_Have you Ever_
Flown On A Plane: yeah
Missed School Because It Was Raining: Yeah, a few times...
Told A Guy/Girl That you Liked Them: Not so directly no...
Cried During A Movie: A few times... it's gotta be a pretty moving film though... for all the crying I do in life, I cry very little at movies...
Ever Thought An Animated Character Was Hot: um... I don't know that I have...
Had An Imaginary Friend: yup... a few
Cut your Hair: Yeah... I assume we mean myself... apparently I did it once when I was a toddler... and now I've taken to cutting my own hair again...
Had A Crush On your Teacher: On my teacher, no... on a teacher, yes... but he wasn't my teacher...
Played A Game That Required The Removal Of Clothing: no
Been Trashed Or Extremely Intoxicated: no
Been Caught ‘Doing Something’: no
Been Called A Tease: no
Gotten Beaten up: no
Shoplifted: no
_The Future_
Age you Hope To Be Married: Don't think I want to do the marriage thing... like ever
Numbers And Names Of Children: Not sure I want to do the parent thing either...
Describe your Dream Wedding: if I were to get married... one word... SIMPLE
How Do you Want To Die: Don't know... old age, or cutting my wrists open...
What Do you Want To Do When you Grow up: Kinda almost grown up... and I'd like to do like TV or film production...
What Country Would you Most Like To Visit: England, cause my best friend lives there... Ireland would be nice too though...
_Favorites_
Shampoo: Aussie Moist
Color: Blue & black
Day/Night: both
Summer/Winter: summer maybe...
Food: pizza
Movie: too many to get into...
Sport: football
_In The Last 24 Hours_
Cried: um, actually I think I've had a tears free last 24 hours... 48 hours might be a different story though...
Worn Jeans: no... haven't been out of the house in the last 24 hours...
Met Someone New Online: nope... only talked to 3 people online in the past 24, and all of them I've know at least a year, if not more...
Done Laundry: Nope...
Drove A Car: Nope, haven't been out of the house in 24 hours ...
Talked On The Phone: Haven't talked on the phone in over 24 hours either... no one calls me, and I have no one to call... so... (except Andrea, but she's swamped with nursing school exams the next two weeks)
_Do you Believe In_
Yourself: occationally
Your Friends: Um... the couple that I know very well...
Santa Claus: no
Tooth Fairy: no
Destiny/Fate: sometimes, to a point... but not that everything is fated... just that perhaps some things just turn out that way because they do
Angels: no
Ghosts: not really... but weirdness abounds so...
God: no
_Friends And Life_
Do you Ever Wish you Had Another Name: Yeah, plenty... never really seemed to like my name ever since childhood
Do you Like Anyone: like a guy someone... I think that was covered in crushes... if it's just meant like people in general, yeah sure...
Which One Of your Friends is The Most Like you: Um... a few years ago I would have said Apryl, but, well, our lives are just so different now... she's in love, and married to a great guy, and has a baby, and is living halfway around the world... so, I guess none of my friends are really that much like me... they are all kind of different from me, and from each other...
Who Have you Known The Longest Of your Friends: Andrea, known her since 9th grade (that's 11 years)... Apryl's right behind that though at 10th grade (10 years)
Are you Close To Any Family Member: I'm fairly close to my mom and brother... we get along well and all... but that doesn't mean that there aren't things that I aren't said... I keep plenty of myself, to myself...
When Have you Cried The Most: I don't know... there have been times where it feels like I've just cried for days for no real reason at all... I know I spent A LOT of tears in the last couple of months leading up to high school graduation...
What’s The Best Feeling In The World: a pure joyful moment
Worst Feeling: loneliness or betrayal... but often the second leads to the first, so...
What Time Is It Now: 3am
Name: Meegan
Nickname: Meg, Mimi, Meegy
Age: 25
Birth Date: June 1979
Sign: Cancer
Eyes: Grey-Blue-Greenish
Hair: Brown
Height: 5'3 1/2"
Pets: 3 cats
Bf/Gf: *heh* yeah, right, that'll happen
_Favorites_
Bands: The Calling, Low Millions, Michelle Branch, Christina Aguilera, Save Ferris, Dido... Newley discovered Papa Roach
Music Genre: Whatever genre all those people fit into...
Cereal: Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, Blueberry Mornings, Cocoa Puffs
Jolly Rancher: Watermelon
M&M: Blue
Hangout: Don't have one, unless you count sitting at home on my computer a 'hangout'
Day: Sunday
Month: I'm not sure it makes much a difference anymore. I don't think there's a month in the year that I specifically look forward to anymore.
Season: Summer i guess,... but I kind of like them all these days
Shoes: Um, these little black slip ons that I have are cool
Restaurants: don't eat out much... Roundtable pizza's not bad...
Cars: 1960's models of the Mustangs
Person To Talk To Online: Sarai
Person To Talk To On The Phone: Andrea
_This Or That_
Boxer or Briefs: boxers
Plaid Or Striped: plaid I guess...
Alt. Or Rap: alternative
Ska Or Punk: don't know... maybe punk, but ska's cool too... loved Save Ferris
Classical Or Country: country
Salt Or Pepper: salt
Coke Or Pepsi: neither
Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb: neither
Sprite Or Seven up: neither.... I don't really do sodas...
Skittles-Original, Tropical, Or Wildberry: Original probably
Bleh Or Blah: eh...
Okay, Ok, Or O.K.: okay
Shake Or Stir: stir
Bright Colors Or Dark Colors: Dark
Snap, Crackle, or Pop: Pop snaps more than crackle... *heh*
Half Empty Or Half Full: well, depends on the mood, I probably veer a little more to the half empty though...
Sunshine Or Rain: Sun... but I don't mind some rain too
Sun Or Moon: both
Silver Or Gold: Silver
Frogs Or Toads: frogs I guess...
_Short Answer_
Left Handed Or Right Handed: right... but I'm fairly good with the left hand considering...
Are you Smart: sort of
What's your Middle Name: Hope
How Many Personalities Do you Have: at least a few... probably...
How Many Piercings Do you Have: two in each ear, the standard setting... pretty typical... hardly ever actually wear earings though
Tattoos: no, still want one though... but well, the pain factor concerns me...
Do you Read your Horoscopes: occationally
Do you Believe In That Stuff: eh... not much...
Can you Drive: yeah...
Do you Keep A Journal: several
What Languages Do you Know: English... tried to learn Spanish a couple times, but apparently I'm linguistically retarded...
Do you Like Cotton Candy: yes... it's sugar in fluffy form... :)
What Do you Sleep In: PJs
How Many Times Have You Moved Houses: 6 times... all by the age of 9... haven't moved since, but planning to move north to Portland or Seattle soon... kinda freaked out by that...
Is your Room Messy: yeah, a bit
Do you Like your Handwriting: not really, it's kind of an all over the place mess...
Do you Like Fingerpaint: guess... haven't fingerpainted since grade school though...
Do you Sleep With Stuffed Animals: yeah...gotta have something to cuddle sometimes, plus, their cute
Are you Ticklish: a bit... but I don't really recall how much or where... no one's tickled me in ages...
Are you A Morning Person: No...
_Hard Questions_
Would you Rather Burn To Death Or Freeze To Death: Neither sounds very pleasant...
Would you Eat A Bowl Of Live Crickets For 40,000: Um, I'm thinking no...
Where Do you Want To Live: California is good for me... but I probably won't be here much longer... and starting to wonder if once I leave, if I'll ever have the means to come back... I think I miss it and I haven't even gone yet... It's just a part of me...
Spell your Name Backwards: nageem
If you Could Have Any Animal For A Pet, What Would It Be: Cat
Ever Been To Belgium: Nope... never been out of the US at this point...
What's your Favorite Coin: um... penny maybe, cause it's different
_Describe your_
Pillow Cover: flannel, light in color
Sunglasses: familiar... been wearing this same pair for years now... copper colored wire, rectangularish lenses
Shoes: black, solid...
Cologne/Perfume: don't wear any...
CD In Stereo Right Now: I believe I've got Papa Roach: "Getting away with Murder" in my CD player currently
Makeup: really don't wear any except on the occation I go out someplace fun...
_Last Thing you_
Bought: Um...pizza bagel at school Friday...
Read: another chapter in "Wasteland" by Francesca Lia Block ... also Friday at school
Thought Of: Um... the answer to the last one...*L*
_Either/Or_
Tea Or Coffee: Tea
Beer Or Cider: Cider
Cats Or Dogs: Cats
Pen Or Pencil: Pen
Gloves Or Mittens: Gloves
Food Or Candy: Candy
Cassette Or CD: Shouldn't this be like CD or Download at this point? Does anyone even bother with cassettes anymore? I mean I don't have a CD player in my car, but that's what that adapter is for with the portable.
_You_
Want: comfort... it came to mind, so I guess so...
Need: piece of mind... or peace of mind... either or...
Live To: okay these questions are hard... I guess to just be... to create... to create and to be... ???
Make: images...
Want To Be: a filmmaker... but I'd take being a photographer also...
_Describe_
Your Heritage: Um... we don't know my mom's background... so my dad's is all I have... so... Irish...
The Shoes you Ware: Didn't I do this a couple sections back... their black and chunky and comfy
Your eyes: kind of dull colored... grey with a bit of green and blue at times...
One Thing you'd Like To Achieve: Um... contentment... with myself and the world
Your First Thoughts Waking up: Ugh....5 more minutes...
Your Best Physical Feature: um... I have no idea...
Your Bedtime: whenever I go to bed...
Your Greatest Accomplishment: Um... no idea...
Your Most Missed Memory: Don't ask me memory questions... I never have an answer for them...
_You Prefer_
Pepsi Or Coke: I think this was asked before too...
McDonald’s Or Burger King: hmm... don't know that I care...
Adidas Or Nike: Adidas on the grounds that I still own one of their jackets from like 12 years ago, and it still keeps the rain out...
Chocolate Or Vanilla: Hmm... depends on the mood I think...
Cappuccino Or Coffee: Don't know...
_DO you_
Smoke: No
Cuss: Sure as Shit... *heh*
Have A Crush(es): Yeah, a few, that I need to get out of my head... nothing but a nusance... cause it's not like there's any fucking point to having them, all they do is distract from everything else, because it's not like they are ever going to be anything more than crushes... complete waste of fucking time...
Who are They: If any were attainable I might mention it, but since they aren't, it's really not worth mentioning now is it...
Want To Go To College: Already there, and hopefully nearly done...
Like High School: Make that DID I like high school... and for the most part, no...
Want To Get Married: Not really
Type With your Fingers On The Right Keys: yes... about the only thing I got out of that fucking typing class in 7th grade that was good...
Believe In yourself: occationally... but not often enough...
Get Motion Sickness: not really... not generally anyway...
Think your Attractive: not really...
Think your A Health Freak: Definatly NOT
Get Along With your Parents: with my mom yes... my dad, I didn't, it's better now though, that we only see each other a few times a year
Like Thunderstorms: as long as they don't hit anything important...
Play An Instrument: No... wish I could though...
_Did/Have you_
Drank Alcohol: yeah
Smoked: no
Gone To The Mall: yeah
Eaten Sushi: no
Been On Stage: only a tiny one in a classroom...
Gone skating: yeah, but not for ages...
Made Homemade Cookies: Yup... usually do that at least once a year...
Dyed your Hair: yeah, trying to grow out the Black I dyed it last time so I can go red again
Stolen Anything: not really
_Have you Ever_
Flown On A Plane: yeah
Missed School Because It Was Raining: Yeah, a few times...
Told A Guy/Girl That you Liked Them: Not so directly no...
Cried During A Movie: A few times... it's gotta be a pretty moving film though... for all the crying I do in life, I cry very little at movies...
Ever Thought An Animated Character Was Hot: um... I don't know that I have...
Had An Imaginary Friend: yup... a few
Cut your Hair: Yeah... I assume we mean myself... apparently I did it once when I was a toddler... and now I've taken to cutting my own hair again...
Had A Crush On your Teacher: On my teacher, no... on a teacher, yes... but he wasn't my teacher...
Played A Game That Required The Removal Of Clothing: no
Been Trashed Or Extremely Intoxicated: no
Been Caught ‘Doing Something’: no
Been Called A Tease: no
Gotten Beaten up: no
Shoplifted: no
_The Future_
Age you Hope To Be Married: Don't think I want to do the marriage thing... like ever
Numbers And Names Of Children: Not sure I want to do the parent thing either...
Describe your Dream Wedding: if I were to get married... one word... SIMPLE
How Do you Want To Die: Don't know... old age, or cutting my wrists open...
What Do you Want To Do When you Grow up: Kinda almost grown up... and I'd like to do like TV or film production...
What Country Would you Most Like To Visit: England, cause my best friend lives there... Ireland would be nice too though...
_Favorites_
Shampoo: Aussie Moist
Color: Blue & black
Day/Night: both
Summer/Winter: summer maybe...
Food: pizza
Movie: too many to get into...
Sport: football
_In The Last 24 Hours_
Cried: um, actually I think I've had a tears free last 24 hours... 48 hours might be a different story though...
Worn Jeans: no... haven't been out of the house in the last 24 hours...
Met Someone New Online: nope... only talked to 3 people online in the past 24, and all of them I've know at least a year, if not more...
Done Laundry: Nope...
Drove A Car: Nope, haven't been out of the house in 24 hours ...
Talked On The Phone: Haven't talked on the phone in over 24 hours either... no one calls me, and I have no one to call... so... (except Andrea, but she's swamped with nursing school exams the next two weeks)
_Do you Believe In_
Yourself: occationally
Your Friends: Um... the couple that I know very well...
Santa Claus: no
Tooth Fairy: no
Destiny/Fate: sometimes, to a point... but not that everything is fated... just that perhaps some things just turn out that way because they do
Angels: no
Ghosts: not really... but weirdness abounds so...
God: no
_Friends And Life_
Do you Ever Wish you Had Another Name: Yeah, plenty... never really seemed to like my name ever since childhood
Do you Like Anyone: like a guy someone... I think that was covered in crushes... if it's just meant like people in general, yeah sure...
Which One Of your Friends is The Most Like you: Um... a few years ago I would have said Apryl, but, well, our lives are just so different now... she's in love, and married to a great guy, and has a baby, and is living halfway around the world... so, I guess none of my friends are really that much like me... they are all kind of different from me, and from each other...
Who Have you Known The Longest Of your Friends: Andrea, known her since 9th grade (that's 11 years)... Apryl's right behind that though at 10th grade (10 years)
Are you Close To Any Family Member: I'm fairly close to my mom and brother... we get along well and all... but that doesn't mean that there aren't things that I aren't said... I keep plenty of myself, to myself...
When Have you Cried The Most: I don't know... there have been times where it feels like I've just cried for days for no real reason at all... I know I spent A LOT of tears in the last couple of months leading up to high school graduation...
What’s The Best Feeling In The World: a pure joyful moment
Worst Feeling: loneliness or betrayal... but often the second leads to the first, so...
What Time Is It Now: 3am
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Fuck it
Yeah, okay, so I'm thinking about a lot of shit lately. I was just thinking about people, and trust, and forgiveness. And a memory came back to me, that I think is very defining. I generally have a kind of shitty memory for the typical daily shit that makes up life. The little shit fades to time, and I guess that's fine. Although I certainly wouldn't mind recalling a little clearer the little shit that made me happy. The moments that were good. Which isn't to say I don't remember any of the good shit that has happened in my life... and yeah, there has been good stuff. Occationally this black cloud does turn a fuzzy shade of grey, and even clears away to a blue sky once in a while. But I was thinking about the things that do tend to stick with me most, are the hurts. The times in which I was left with a knife in my back, or left laying in the fucking gutter.
So, when I was in junior high, 7th grade... 12 years old... (actually I recall a moment when I was just 10 when I felt really betrayed and hurt by a close friend, but I won't go there)... but when I was 12, I had this friend, she was one of my two best friends. We had been a bit of a 'trio' since like 5th grade. Then one of the two moved part way through the year. It left just the two of us, and we had fun. At some point 'we' began getting crank calls, that were rather cruel, and threatening. Somehow at first signs pointed to this other girl in our class, who was a little weird, but not really a bad person. Then it got suspicious when my friend, fine let's say her name was Mary, and I would be over at each other's homes all the time, but magically we never got a single crank call when I was at her house or she was at mine. I'm also not positive that Mary hadn't taken things from me. A couple of which would magically turn up again in the oddest of places, while she was over. A few of which I never got back. Maybe it was all coincidence, but I doubt it. Especially when another friend, whom had in the past been a good friend of Mary's told me she had had crank call trouble while being friends with Mary, and that she had pretty much figure out it was her. Then one day, after a good span without any crank calls, I got one again. About 5 minutes later Mary called me asking if I'd gotten a call, because she had. I said no, I hadn't. She seemed a little suprised, like she didn't know how to respond. That was pretty much the cincher. When the first day of 8th grade came around and I was faced with another year like the one before, I decided I needed to change some things, namely, her. So I avoided her, ignored her, and it finally came down to a fight, and we both pretty much didn't speak to each other for probably around a year or more. Sometime during ninth grade we made up, forgave for everything that happened during the fall out of 8th grade. And while from then on, we spoke, were plesant, and I did not hold any real grudge. I had forgiven, but I had not forgotten. And for that reason, I would never take her back into my trust. She was to remain a casual friend. And when she went to a different high school in 10th grade then I did. I lost touch with her, and was not concerned about it. Unlike with so many other people, I made no attempts to call her, or keep contact. This is kind of how things go with me. I am fairly good with forgiving people for the things they may have done, but if it truly hurt, and they were someone I'd really honestly trusted, then I don't forget.
So what does this have to do with anything. Well, I was able then to just say 'fuck it' to things that were detrimental to my being, to my mental state. Course that particular incident has done other things to me, like it made it so it took me nearly 10 years to be capable of using the phrase 'best friend' again. However, I realized that Mary was not good for me and my being, and I just cut off the friendship with her. Now, as that relates to now, there is no person. It's more like situations I need to say 'fuck it' to. Ideas, notions, and things that get caught in my head. Which a person would probably be easier to cut off then ideas that get caught up in my head. But if I can say 'fuck it' before it becomes something in my head, then I can cut it off before it starts. Anything that could be troublesome to my mental being.
I suppose though that Mary and the whole situation of her explains some of how I got to be me now. Why I have so much trouble trusting people, why I expect people to just treat me like crap and toss me off when they have gotten what they need from me. And why I just sink into myself and my own little world so often. Why I have this unconscious habit of isolating myself from others, from the world. Even when I don't really want to be alone.
So, when I was in junior high, 7th grade... 12 years old... (actually I recall a moment when I was just 10 when I felt really betrayed and hurt by a close friend, but I won't go there)... but when I was 12, I had this friend, she was one of my two best friends. We had been a bit of a 'trio' since like 5th grade. Then one of the two moved part way through the year. It left just the two of us, and we had fun. At some point 'we' began getting crank calls, that were rather cruel, and threatening. Somehow at first signs pointed to this other girl in our class, who was a little weird, but not really a bad person. Then it got suspicious when my friend, fine let's say her name was Mary, and I would be over at each other's homes all the time, but magically we never got a single crank call when I was at her house or she was at mine. I'm also not positive that Mary hadn't taken things from me. A couple of which would magically turn up again in the oddest of places, while she was over. A few of which I never got back. Maybe it was all coincidence, but I doubt it. Especially when another friend, whom had in the past been a good friend of Mary's told me she had had crank call trouble while being friends with Mary, and that she had pretty much figure out it was her. Then one day, after a good span without any crank calls, I got one again. About 5 minutes later Mary called me asking if I'd gotten a call, because she had. I said no, I hadn't. She seemed a little suprised, like she didn't know how to respond. That was pretty much the cincher. When the first day of 8th grade came around and I was faced with another year like the one before, I decided I needed to change some things, namely, her. So I avoided her, ignored her, and it finally came down to a fight, and we both pretty much didn't speak to each other for probably around a year or more. Sometime during ninth grade we made up, forgave for everything that happened during the fall out of 8th grade. And while from then on, we spoke, were plesant, and I did not hold any real grudge. I had forgiven, but I had not forgotten. And for that reason, I would never take her back into my trust. She was to remain a casual friend. And when she went to a different high school in 10th grade then I did. I lost touch with her, and was not concerned about it. Unlike with so many other people, I made no attempts to call her, or keep contact. This is kind of how things go with me. I am fairly good with forgiving people for the things they may have done, but if it truly hurt, and they were someone I'd really honestly trusted, then I don't forget.
So what does this have to do with anything. Well, I was able then to just say 'fuck it' to things that were detrimental to my being, to my mental state. Course that particular incident has done other things to me, like it made it so it took me nearly 10 years to be capable of using the phrase 'best friend' again. However, I realized that Mary was not good for me and my being, and I just cut off the friendship with her. Now, as that relates to now, there is no person. It's more like situations I need to say 'fuck it' to. Ideas, notions, and things that get caught in my head. Which a person would probably be easier to cut off then ideas that get caught up in my head. But if I can say 'fuck it' before it becomes something in my head, then I can cut it off before it starts. Anything that could be troublesome to my mental being.
I suppose though that Mary and the whole situation of her explains some of how I got to be me now. Why I have so much trouble trusting people, why I expect people to just treat me like crap and toss me off when they have gotten what they need from me. And why I just sink into myself and my own little world so often. Why I have this unconscious habit of isolating myself from others, from the world. Even when I don't really want to be alone.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Cause I'm a Loser... Plus, I'm Bored
Okay, so I do random ass shit when bored... and usually it's pretty lame, cause, well, I'm a loser. :p So I'm poking around online at random stuff, just waiting for something interesting to happen, so I'm not so bored... and now, I'm making a blog entry about it. Posted a new photo to my Photo Blog: Frozen Time. The link is on the side if anyone's interested. It's just a bunch of my random photography done over the last like 8 years. Some of the photos are as recent as October last year... some are as old as October of 1996 when I took my first photography class my senior year of high school.
Speaking of pictures, I've been longing to get a picture since last year of this really cool ass bird that I see sometimes chillin' on the powerlines along the backroad that runs by my school. It's about the size of a crow, but has a sort of 'hawkish' look. Very cool. Course usually when I see it, I don't have my camera, and/or I'm driving 60 miles an hour along a backroad. *L*
Today was pretty okay. Yesterday and Today were really strange in that while on campus, both days, I randomly bumped into at least a couple people I knew. Normally I don't see anyone I know outside of class, while just wandering about campus. Thurs was really weird. Saw four different guys from my internship, and then a guy from one of my classes last semester, and one from my Drama class like two years ago. Today it was two guys from my internship. Totally weird...
Speaking of pictures, I've been longing to get a picture since last year of this really cool ass bird that I see sometimes chillin' on the powerlines along the backroad that runs by my school. It's about the size of a crow, but has a sort of 'hawkish' look. Very cool. Course usually when I see it, I don't have my camera, and/or I'm driving 60 miles an hour along a backroad. *L*
Today was pretty okay. Yesterday and Today were really strange in that while on campus, both days, I randomly bumped into at least a couple people I knew. Normally I don't see anyone I know outside of class, while just wandering about campus. Thurs was really weird. Saw four different guys from my internship, and then a guy from one of my classes last semester, and one from my Drama class like two years ago. Today it was two guys from my internship. Totally weird...
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Long Road
Okay, so step one today, I went to psych services and talked briefly with a therapist there. She suggested making a real opointment after where I'd have like a whole hour with someone, as opposed to the like 15 mins you get with drop in. Well, certainly didn't solve anything yet... but hopefully it'll do something if I can make myself keep going... never any easy solutions...
Just trying to breath at this point... I really want this to pass... soon... I really hate being like this. And there are times when I am almost normal, where I am like nearly fully functioning as a human being... but right now... I'm just barely crawling...
Okay... that's all for now...
Just trying to breath at this point... I really want this to pass... soon... I really hate being like this. And there are times when I am almost normal, where I am like nearly fully functioning as a human being... but right now... I'm just barely crawling...
Okay... that's all for now...
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
7 Basic Human Needs
Okay, so I've been surfing psychology websites a bit the last week or so, which may or may not be a good thing. But I just came across this, and well, it's sad. It's the 7 basic human needs, which are apparently what will help keep a person happy, and mentally healthy.
1. The need to give and receive attention.
Okay, well, I don't give and receive a lot of attention. There is a little bit in my house, and occationally at school or internship, but it's always for only the duration of the required class period in which other people are forced to participate with each other in class or internship activities. My mind tends to fuck with me, and as soon as the contact is broken by someone I flee. I run off home again, seeking some kind of communication with people online. Which aside from one person, is in limited suply.
2. Taking heed of the mind body connection.
This is basically caring for the body, giving it what it needs. Food, sleep, exersize. Yeah, I'm bad with that stuff. I mean I eat, but irratically. I'll not eat anything all day through school come home at 2pm and then eat. And then sometimes I don't eat what I should or eat too much. And, well, my mom bought one of those cycle thingies, and I'm trying to when I go sit in her room and talk to her for a little while, to also sit and pedal. And I'm well, a long time insomniac. I've had troubles getting to sleep, and feeling like I slept well since I was like 9 years old.
3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.
Well, if one reads back in my old journal, one might find an entry dealing with the very notion of meaning and life. My basic conclusion about this was sumed up nicely for me in an episode of the show "Angel". "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do." Yeah, that's kind of my feeling. I won't get deep into this now, since I pretty well talked it to death a few years ago in the aformentioned journal entry. However, I don't think I've moved away from that notion. That wouldn't be a problem except that in disallowing some grand meaning of life, for the notion that all that matters is what we do. Doing those things, however big or small they are that give each of us as individuals our own personal meanings in life. My problem is that I often lose sight of any little meanings of what I do, or feel like I don't do anything at all, that I am so static that I'm not doing anything for anyone, including myself. And that kind of lends to a general feeling of worthlessness, and uselessness, which tends to then eat away at any temporary confidence I have in what I'm trying to do, or hoping to do, or that I have any meaning to my life at all. Which is usually when I start wondering what really would be the harm of taking a razor blade to my wrists.
4. Connection to something bigger than oneself.
This sort of ties right into number 3 for me. Being involved in things like my internship help to make me feel like I'm doing something that's not just for me, or about me, but about a lot of people, and for good causes, good issues, or at least might help make others I'm working with feel good for a job well done. And thus makes me feel good, feeling like I'm a part of this whole that can make things happen, like broadcasting a live weekly tv show, even if it's a very small show on local PBS with limited viewership. Someone out there is watching, and it's there because myself and a bunch of other people made it happen. However, I'm not very involved in anything other then that and thus when I walk away after a shoot, or meeting and am then just wandering about again, I don't feel so connected to something besides my screwy little mind.
5. The need for creativity and stimulation.
This may be the only one of these needs I really can and do regularly work at satisfying. Through trying to write, pictures, etc I try and find something to put a creative focus into. As for the stimulation, I guess aside from the creative outlets, it's pretty much surfing the net and watching TV and such that is my stimulation.
6. The need to feel understood and connected.
I don't even feel understood or connected to myself a lot of the time. There are very few people I really feel connected to. And even with them, I think just about everyone, I don't lie to them, but I keep things to myself. I feel like I'm just going to bother people with my issues or problems, because everyone else has their own problems, they don't need to try and help or work around mine. I've never been very good at coming right out and expressing my feelings to others. When people do catch me in moments of raw emotion, such as openly crying my eyes out or angry, it's generally cause I've been 'stashing' feelings for days, weeks, months even and I've finally just broken, snapped, lost it, whatever term you want to use for it. There are some people I come close to opening all the way up to, like my friend Andrea, but even with her, I usually try not to contact her when I'm really hurting, when the tears are imminate. I only try and approach with problems when I can be calm about them. Apryl was much the same way when she was more accessable. Online I've managed to open up a little bit more rawly to a couple people. Currently it's Sarai, but there have been a couple people in the past whom I have since lost touch with, usually because I or they wound up cut off from much online activity due to real life stress, or for some of them sometimes, good fortune. Maybe it's just somehow easier to reveal more emotionally when you don't then have to look the person in the face tomorrow, or a week from now, or some forseeably planned time in the near future. And with people I know face to face, I always worry that once I stop sheilding my emotions so much, that then as opposed to feeling more understood by them because they 'get it' and don't care about whatever baggage I carry with me, that they will be put off by it and thus I feel even less understood.
7. The need to feel a sense of control.
Maybe that is why I like and feel comfortable with things because items are just that items. Things you can control. As opposed to feelings, thoughts, situations. So often so much is out of my control, sometimes even my own thoughts and feelings, sometimes most often those things. I so often walk around just feeling like I can't control anything, like things will just happen and I can't do a thing to help them, alter them, or make them go my way.
Well, I guess this would certainly begin to hint at why my mental state is so bad. I'm just not sure what I can do to solve most of these things. (There's that control thing again.) Other than perhaps making more effort to eat better and use that cycle thingy more regularly. *shakes head* It's so overwhelming.
1. The need to give and receive attention.
Okay, well, I don't give and receive a lot of attention. There is a little bit in my house, and occationally at school or internship, but it's always for only the duration of the required class period in which other people are forced to participate with each other in class or internship activities. My mind tends to fuck with me, and as soon as the contact is broken by someone I flee. I run off home again, seeking some kind of communication with people online. Which aside from one person, is in limited suply.
2. Taking heed of the mind body connection.
This is basically caring for the body, giving it what it needs. Food, sleep, exersize. Yeah, I'm bad with that stuff. I mean I eat, but irratically. I'll not eat anything all day through school come home at 2pm and then eat. And then sometimes I don't eat what I should or eat too much. And, well, my mom bought one of those cycle thingies, and I'm trying to when I go sit in her room and talk to her for a little while, to also sit and pedal. And I'm well, a long time insomniac. I've had troubles getting to sleep, and feeling like I slept well since I was like 9 years old.
3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.
Well, if one reads back in my old journal, one might find an entry dealing with the very notion of meaning and life. My basic conclusion about this was sumed up nicely for me in an episode of the show "Angel". "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do." Yeah, that's kind of my feeling. I won't get deep into this now, since I pretty well talked it to death a few years ago in the aformentioned journal entry. However, I don't think I've moved away from that notion. That wouldn't be a problem except that in disallowing some grand meaning of life, for the notion that all that matters is what we do. Doing those things, however big or small they are that give each of us as individuals our own personal meanings in life. My problem is that I often lose sight of any little meanings of what I do, or feel like I don't do anything at all, that I am so static that I'm not doing anything for anyone, including myself. And that kind of lends to a general feeling of worthlessness, and uselessness, which tends to then eat away at any temporary confidence I have in what I'm trying to do, or hoping to do, or that I have any meaning to my life at all. Which is usually when I start wondering what really would be the harm of taking a razor blade to my wrists.
4. Connection to something bigger than oneself.
This sort of ties right into number 3 for me. Being involved in things like my internship help to make me feel like I'm doing something that's not just for me, or about me, but about a lot of people, and for good causes, good issues, or at least might help make others I'm working with feel good for a job well done. And thus makes me feel good, feeling like I'm a part of this whole that can make things happen, like broadcasting a live weekly tv show, even if it's a very small show on local PBS with limited viewership. Someone out there is watching, and it's there because myself and a bunch of other people made it happen. However, I'm not very involved in anything other then that and thus when I walk away after a shoot, or meeting and am then just wandering about again, I don't feel so connected to something besides my screwy little mind.
5. The need for creativity and stimulation.
This may be the only one of these needs I really can and do regularly work at satisfying. Through trying to write, pictures, etc I try and find something to put a creative focus into. As for the stimulation, I guess aside from the creative outlets, it's pretty much surfing the net and watching TV and such that is my stimulation.
6. The need to feel understood and connected.
I don't even feel understood or connected to myself a lot of the time. There are very few people I really feel connected to. And even with them, I think just about everyone, I don't lie to them, but I keep things to myself. I feel like I'm just going to bother people with my issues or problems, because everyone else has their own problems, they don't need to try and help or work around mine. I've never been very good at coming right out and expressing my feelings to others. When people do catch me in moments of raw emotion, such as openly crying my eyes out or angry, it's generally cause I've been 'stashing' feelings for days, weeks, months even and I've finally just broken, snapped, lost it, whatever term you want to use for it. There are some people I come close to opening all the way up to, like my friend Andrea, but even with her, I usually try not to contact her when I'm really hurting, when the tears are imminate. I only try and approach with problems when I can be calm about them. Apryl was much the same way when she was more accessable. Online I've managed to open up a little bit more rawly to a couple people. Currently it's Sarai, but there have been a couple people in the past whom I have since lost touch with, usually because I or they wound up cut off from much online activity due to real life stress, or for some of them sometimes, good fortune. Maybe it's just somehow easier to reveal more emotionally when you don't then have to look the person in the face tomorrow, or a week from now, or some forseeably planned time in the near future. And with people I know face to face, I always worry that once I stop sheilding my emotions so much, that then as opposed to feeling more understood by them because they 'get it' and don't care about whatever baggage I carry with me, that they will be put off by it and thus I feel even less understood.
7. The need to feel a sense of control.
Maybe that is why I like and feel comfortable with things because items are just that items. Things you can control. As opposed to feelings, thoughts, situations. So often so much is out of my control, sometimes even my own thoughts and feelings, sometimes most often those things. I so often walk around just feeling like I can't control anything, like things will just happen and I can't do a thing to help them, alter them, or make them go my way.
Well, I guess this would certainly begin to hint at why my mental state is so bad. I'm just not sure what I can do to solve most of these things. (There's that control thing again.) Other than perhaps making more effort to eat better and use that cycle thingy more regularly. *shakes head* It's so overwhelming.
Hello out there?
Okay so this is cause I'm curious if and who is actually looking at this thing. I've got a sneaking suspision I have perhaps one occasional checker, and I know who she might be...
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Describe me in one word:
5. What was your first impression?:
6. Do you still think that way about me now?:
7. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
8. How well do you know me?:
9. When's the last time you saw me?:
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Describe me in one word:
5. What was your first impression?:
6. Do you still think that way about me now?:
7. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
8. How well do you know me?:
9. When's the last time you saw me?:
Open to a world of hurt or Closed off for the amusement of inner demons, a debate
Okay, so here's my new little debate of the day... what's better... being open to the world of hurt out there, to all the things other people can do to fuck with your mind, and brutalize your spirit, in the hopes of having some connection with others, and finding like joy and love and all that stuff... or being closed off from the world and just dealing with all the internal demons and voices, and just knowing that no one is hurting you but yourself...
So, hurt from others, or self inflicted wounds... I'm not sure what's better, what would hurt less... I feel like I've had a lot of both, and neither is very pleasant. I don't like being back stabed, or cast off by people I thought I could trust, who I cared for. But I also don't really enjoy what my own mind is capable of doing to me. However, if my mind is going to do it anyway, and it will further brutalize me after someone else has hurt me... so maybe it's not a one or another... but a situation of the internal battle and beating is going to happen regardless... so do I want to be open to external hurt also, hopeing that some external joy will subdue or soothe some of the internal brusing.
So, hurt from others, or self inflicted wounds... I'm not sure what's better, what would hurt less... I feel like I've had a lot of both, and neither is very pleasant. I don't like being back stabed, or cast off by people I thought I could trust, who I cared for. But I also don't really enjoy what my own mind is capable of doing to me. However, if my mind is going to do it anyway, and it will further brutalize me after someone else has hurt me... so maybe it's not a one or another... but a situation of the internal battle and beating is going to happen regardless... so do I want to be open to external hurt also, hopeing that some external joy will subdue or soothe some of the internal brusing.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Self fulfilling prophesys and other musings...
Self fulfilling prophesys... yeah, maybe I do that... I get down on things, and myself, and the fear and doubt about situations take over, and then things don't happen the way I want, but happen the way I negatively project they will... that's what I'm being told by a friend... maybe it's true... maybe I just expect so much that things won't go my way, that inevitably they don't... I talk myself out of it...
I really want to break myself of these things... because I think if I don't, I really may be miserable forever... which would become yet another of those self fulfilling prophesys... I want to know how to get over it... Am I really seeing myself in some fucked up mirror that is distorting my own image of myself... do other people really see me in a totally different way then I see myself? And are they maybe more right then I am? Maybe because they are more neutral... they don't have all these assumptions I have about myself, ingrained ideas and notions that have been burned into me since I was a kid... can I fix this alone... or will that just make me see myself more the way I do now... so far in my life it's only seemed to serve to further enforce my own ideas about myself... and those notions I internalized because of things told to me when I was young... but how do I see myself from outside myself... how can I see with any perspective other than my own... ??
I really want to break myself of these things... because I think if I don't, I really may be miserable forever... which would become yet another of those self fulfilling prophesys... I want to know how to get over it... Am I really seeing myself in some fucked up mirror that is distorting my own image of myself... do other people really see me in a totally different way then I see myself? And are they maybe more right then I am? Maybe because they are more neutral... they don't have all these assumptions I have about myself, ingrained ideas and notions that have been burned into me since I was a kid... can I fix this alone... or will that just make me see myself more the way I do now... so far in my life it's only seemed to serve to further enforce my own ideas about myself... and those notions I internalized because of things told to me when I was young... but how do I see myself from outside myself... how can I see with any perspective other than my own... ??
Sunday, March 06, 2005
non sensical meanderings of a crazy chick
I don't know why I just can't be content being alone... it seems to be how I was ment to be... why do I still feel the need to connect with other people, it'd be simpler, happier if I could just all the time love being locked away in my room... but no, online again, no one talking to me again, and feeling kind of sucky again... I swear there were times at least for a few weeks at a time where this was just fine... where I was almost content and happy being by myself... I'm sure there will again, but sucks till then... and then I'll just be waiting around again for the next time I don't... it's a sick cycle... seems like everything just spins on this sick cycle... coming around and around again... never can quite get away from anything... it all always comes back at you... good and bad... feelings, situations... eh... I don't know that I'm making any sense right now... mind is kind of numbing out... but maybe that's good... maybe not... I don't seem to recall enjoying the last time I went numb... but it does always come around again... so I suppose it's just another step on the road... maybe numbness is the gateway to at least some temporary contentment...
Another mindless survey...
Yeah so, I'm making a habit of theiving surveys from blogs and LJs... I have nothing better to do with my existance, right?... so I fill out surveys...
Favorites
1. Gum: haven't chewed much gum in a while
2. Restaurant: don't eat out much
3. Drink: orange juice
4. Season: summer I guess...
5. Type of weather: generally sunny, but there are days where rain is what I want... it really is a mood thing...
6. Emotion: any that doesn't make me feel like I want to slit my wrists
7. Thing to do on a half day: what a day not all busy... I used to have lots of those, now i have lots of half busy days... never totally busy...
8. Late-night activity: I'd say online on the comp, but that hasn't been making me very happy lately...
9. Sport: football
10. City: hmm... guess I'll go with good old San Fran...
11. Store: best buy maybe...
When was the last time you
12. Cried: like a half hour ago...eyes still a bit red and puffy I think
13. Played a sport: ages...
14. Laughed: feels like ages... but it was probably like yesterday... for a moment...
15. Hugged someone: other than my cats... don't know...
16. Kissed someone: I'm going to refuse to answer this one... fuck off...
17. Felt depressed: um... now
18. Felt overworked: maybe a few days ago... maybe Thurs when I just kind of felt pulled all over...
19. Faked sick: never did much of that...
20. Lied: probably sometime this week when I said I was okay, and probably really wasn't... can't garantee the lie wasn't to myself though...
What was the last
21. Word you said: not sure...
22. Thing you ate: um... not sure...
23. Song you listened to: Listening to Dido "Slide" right now...
24. Thing you drank: Um... probably orange juice
25. Place you went to: the grocery store... super exciting my life is not...
26. Movie you saw at the movies: Um... National Treasure...
27. Movie you rented: Just rented this film called Easy... haven't watched it yet though... last one rented and watched was I Heart Huckabees.
Who was the last person you
28. Hugged: if we aren't counting cats here, I have no idea...
29. Cried over: myself... and all those people i once trusted...
30. Kissed:
31. Danced with:
32. Shared a secret with: maybe that's a secret...
33. Had a sleepover with: no idea... last time I slept over at someone's house... ??? Does sharing a hotel room with some friends on a trip count? If so then it was Andrea & Marcus...
35. Went to a movie with: Andrea
36. Saw: um... probably my mom...unless we're counting cats...
37. Were angry with: um... rehashed some bad shit a bit ago... so all those people I used to trust...
38. Couldn't take your eyes off: Um... I'm usually pretty good at shying away...
39. Obsessed over: there's been a few people taking up a lot of my head space lately...
Have you ever
40. Danced in the rain: yeah, years and years and years ago...
41. Kissed someone:
42. Done drugs: no
43. Drank alcohol: yes
44. Partied 'til the sun came up: no
45. Missing apparently
46. Gone too far on a dare: no
47. Spun until you were immensely dizzy: yes
48. Taken a survey quite like this before: yes, I'm often bored and online late at night... I have a sad little existance generally...
I'm ...
55. I'm feeling: shitty
56. I'm listening to: Dido
57. I'm doing: this...
58. I'm talking to: no one, other than myself... I talk to myself a lot...
59. I'm craving: a little joy & comfort
60. I'm thinking of: blank... just kind of numbing myself out right now...
61. I'm hating: a lot right now...
Love
62. Love is: the tiny little stupid hopeful voice in side me wants to say it's good and exists and will find me someday... but then the other voices choak the little stupid one till she shuts the fuck up...
63. My first love: never had one... and at this rate... probably never will...
64. In love now:
65. Love or lust: I'm refusing to answer most of this section on the grounds that I don't think it applies to me, I think fate has been pretty fucking clear about that to me at this point...
66. Best love song:
67. Is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time:
68. Would you rather be in love or single: well, being single hasn't been that good to me... but then maybe love would suck even more... who the fuck knows...
69. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
Picky picky
67. Dog or cat: cat
68. Short or long hair: eh...short I guess... I tend to keep mine short... but other people look good with long hair...
69. Sunshine or rain: both
70. Hugs or kisses: I'd make the Hersheys joke right now, but I'm not in the mood...
71. Summer or winter: summer...
72. Written letters or e-mails: email... it's just easier...
73. Playstation or nintendo: never really played playstation, but my brother seems to like it... I remember nintendo being fun as a kid/teen however... Mario was cool...
74. Car or motorcycle: car
75. House party or club: I don't really get invited out to either much... and the parties I've been too, not really the wild 'house party' sort... more the sit around and be amused by the drunkest or highest person in the room and chat...
76. Sing or dance: dance... since I can't sing worth a damn... only do it in the car or my room with the volume up loud enough to mostly drowned myself out...
77. Freak or slow dance: I don't really do either... last time I danced with someone was probably junior high, and that was probably only out of pity for the sorry chick hanging out on the side of the gym in the dark... Yeah, that was me... I know there was probably one of me in every high school, and did you speak to her? or was she social suicide? Dude... my head is fucked up right now... I should go to bed...
Lately
78. How are you today? shitty...
79. What pants are you wearing right now? some old plaid flannel pants that barely stay on but they are comfy...
80. What shirt are you wearing right now? sweatshirt, hooded, marroon in color...
81. What does your hair look like at the moment: pulled back, loose tied
82. What song are you listening to right now? "Take my Hand" by Dido
83. How is the weather right now? not sure... was fairly sunny today... it's all dark and middle of the night now though...
84. Who was last person you talked to on the phone? um... I think Holly
85. Last dream I can remember? um... not good with the dream recall, however I do recall some dream like last night... strange as always, and for some reason this cute guy from my internship was there... don't recall why or how... or what the dream was... but I suppose the cute guy didn't suck... be nice if he turned up again tonight actually, I could use something that doesn't suck about now...
Favorites
1. Gum: haven't chewed much gum in a while
2. Restaurant: don't eat out much
3. Drink: orange juice
4. Season: summer I guess...
5. Type of weather: generally sunny, but there are days where rain is what I want... it really is a mood thing...
6. Emotion: any that doesn't make me feel like I want to slit my wrists
7. Thing to do on a half day: what a day not all busy... I used to have lots of those, now i have lots of half busy days... never totally busy...
8. Late-night activity: I'd say online on the comp, but that hasn't been making me very happy lately...
9. Sport: football
10. City: hmm... guess I'll go with good old San Fran...
11. Store: best buy maybe...
When was the last time you
12. Cried: like a half hour ago...eyes still a bit red and puffy I think
13. Played a sport: ages...
14. Laughed: feels like ages... but it was probably like yesterday... for a moment...
15. Hugged someone: other than my cats... don't know...
16. Kissed someone: I'm going to refuse to answer this one... fuck off...
17. Felt depressed: um... now
18. Felt overworked: maybe a few days ago... maybe Thurs when I just kind of felt pulled all over...
19. Faked sick: never did much of that...
20. Lied: probably sometime this week when I said I was okay, and probably really wasn't... can't garantee the lie wasn't to myself though...
What was the last
21. Word you said: not sure...
22. Thing you ate: um... not sure...
23. Song you listened to: Listening to Dido "Slide" right now...
24. Thing you drank: Um... probably orange juice
25. Place you went to: the grocery store... super exciting my life is not...
26. Movie you saw at the movies: Um... National Treasure...
27. Movie you rented: Just rented this film called Easy... haven't watched it yet though... last one rented and watched was I Heart Huckabees.
Who was the last person you
28. Hugged: if we aren't counting cats here, I have no idea...
29. Cried over: myself... and all those people i once trusted...
30. Kissed:
31. Danced with:
32. Shared a secret with: maybe that's a secret...
33. Had a sleepover with: no idea... last time I slept over at someone's house... ??? Does sharing a hotel room with some friends on a trip count? If so then it was Andrea & Marcus...
35. Went to a movie with: Andrea
36. Saw: um... probably my mom...unless we're counting cats...
37. Were angry with: um... rehashed some bad shit a bit ago... so all those people I used to trust...
38. Couldn't take your eyes off: Um... I'm usually pretty good at shying away...
39. Obsessed over: there's been a few people taking up a lot of my head space lately...
Have you ever
40. Danced in the rain: yeah, years and years and years ago...
41. Kissed someone:
42. Done drugs: no
43. Drank alcohol: yes
44. Partied 'til the sun came up: no
45. Missing apparently
46. Gone too far on a dare: no
47. Spun until you were immensely dizzy: yes
48. Taken a survey quite like this before: yes, I'm often bored and online late at night... I have a sad little existance generally...
I'm ...
55. I'm feeling: shitty
56. I'm listening to: Dido
57. I'm doing: this...
58. I'm talking to: no one, other than myself... I talk to myself a lot...
59. I'm craving: a little joy & comfort
60. I'm thinking of: blank... just kind of numbing myself out right now...
61. I'm hating: a lot right now...
Love
62. Love is: the tiny little stupid hopeful voice in side me wants to say it's good and exists and will find me someday... but then the other voices choak the little stupid one till she shuts the fuck up...
63. My first love: never had one... and at this rate... probably never will...
64. In love now:
65. Love or lust: I'm refusing to answer most of this section on the grounds that I don't think it applies to me, I think fate has been pretty fucking clear about that to me at this point...
66. Best love song:
67. Is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time:
68. Would you rather be in love or single: well, being single hasn't been that good to me... but then maybe love would suck even more... who the fuck knows...
69. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
Picky picky
67. Dog or cat: cat
68. Short or long hair: eh...short I guess... I tend to keep mine short... but other people look good with long hair...
69. Sunshine or rain: both
70. Hugs or kisses: I'd make the Hersheys joke right now, but I'm not in the mood...
71. Summer or winter: summer...
72. Written letters or e-mails: email... it's just easier...
73. Playstation or nintendo: never really played playstation, but my brother seems to like it... I remember nintendo being fun as a kid/teen however... Mario was cool...
74. Car or motorcycle: car
75. House party or club: I don't really get invited out to either much... and the parties I've been too, not really the wild 'house party' sort... more the sit around and be amused by the drunkest or highest person in the room and chat...
76. Sing or dance: dance... since I can't sing worth a damn... only do it in the car or my room with the volume up loud enough to mostly drowned myself out...
77. Freak or slow dance: I don't really do either... last time I danced with someone was probably junior high, and that was probably only out of pity for the sorry chick hanging out on the side of the gym in the dark... Yeah, that was me... I know there was probably one of me in every high school, and did you speak to her? or was she social suicide? Dude... my head is fucked up right now... I should go to bed...
Lately
78. How are you today? shitty...
79. What pants are you wearing right now? some old plaid flannel pants that barely stay on but they are comfy...
80. What shirt are you wearing right now? sweatshirt, hooded, marroon in color...
81. What does your hair look like at the moment: pulled back, loose tied
82. What song are you listening to right now? "Take my Hand" by Dido
83. How is the weather right now? not sure... was fairly sunny today... it's all dark and middle of the night now though...
84. Who was last person you talked to on the phone? um... I think Holly
85. Last dream I can remember? um... not good with the dream recall, however I do recall some dream like last night... strange as always, and for some reason this cute guy from my internship was there... don't recall why or how... or what the dream was... but I suppose the cute guy didn't suck... be nice if he turned up again tonight actually, I could use something that doesn't suck about now...
Crying...
so it's all fallen into a cry now... recalling all this shit from the last year, which only reminds me of all the other shit before that and how many times people i've trusted have hurt me... it's scary how very few people have not... i guess it's no wonder i have issues with trusting people... why i'm so paranoid... and how I just fuck up everything I get near... and how often I end up like this, alone, crying, silently... this just sucks...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Just rambling...
So, I'm trying a little music therapy this evening... I've been sitting online pretty much all day and no one has talked to me once... granted I've got my MSN turned to busy... but if anyone ever talked to me there other then the one usual suspect, they'd know busy doesn't mean a lot... maybe it's that my 'name' on MSN is currently 'Eh...' Why the ...? Don't know, I just do that a lot... maybe it's like I'm not done thinking, but don't actually have anything to say... or do, but am not saying, or can't put it in words... or it's just how I choose to string my thoughts together... I have a tendancy toward it here too... as well as when talking online to people... weirdness... anyway... so, been just listening to stuff, random songs by random artists... currently got Dido on, the first album... "No Angel"... I think it could very possibly be one of my all time favorite CDs. And I still relate a lot to many of the songs on that CD, plus the vibe of her music is just... well... I don't know... It does something for my soul I think... it's like soothing... it speaks to it in it's own little totally uncomprehendable by the mind sort of way... I guess it's pretty clear actually from this journal that it's a CD I relate to, seeing as I took the line from her song "My Life", 'cause it's me, and my life, as the title of this blog, and of the online journal I kept before this blog...
And I seem to have inexplicably run out of things to say in pausing to listen to "My Life"... *heh*... was reading some other people's interpretations on the means to some random songs... some of the songs I was listening to... it's strange sometimes to hear others interpret things, because sometimes you simply derive your own meanings from things, separate from what the artist or others might make of the same things... I suppose that's one of the things that makes people so unique and interesting, is how no one sees things in the same way, everyone has their own unique perspectives... coming from all different kinds of backgrounds, experiences, inner sensations, by which I mean how each's mind works, how different individual's senses work... I still recall when my mom mentioned to me that after she'd gotten my brother his glasses (like pretty much all the men in my family on my father's side, all have bad vision, the women seem to be just fine though *L*)... anyway, he'd mentioned that he'd never noticed the pattern of the roofing on this one building a few blocks from our house, a building we've probably driven past who knows how many times in our lives... we've lived in this house for over 15 years... since my brother was just like 4 (so yeah... that'd be 16, nearly 17 years now... bro turns 21 this year, now that's a whole other scary weird thing... when did my little brother get so old? *L*)... anyway... again getting back to my point, I'm really good at just drifting off on tangents sometimes... especially when I'm journaling just on like a stream of conscienceness sort of level like I am right now... it was weird, to think that for years and years, my brother was seeing the world with this sort of blurry vision, of which I have absolutly no consept of, I've always had pretty good vision, never needed glasses (course if I take after my mom, I'll probably be needed reading glasses once I hit 40ish)... Anyway, now how did this whole perspective thing pop to mind anyway, well I was sitting, last night reading my old online journal, and at one point took a look back at some VERY old journals from high school, and noted a few things one of my teachers said in it to me... for a bit at the end of senior year I was sharing my journal with my creative writing teacher (Mr. Greenwood, you forever rock!)... and he would comment back to me sometimes in the notebook, and it usually made me feel better... some of the entries in it read a lot like some of those here from the last few weeks... some of them were probably even worse... I had a lot of self loathing going on throughout junior high and high school... didn't help that some of my fellow classmates helped reinforce that sense of being a worthless loser... but I won't go into any of that right now... but Greenwood, I believe, had a much lighter outlook on life, and tried to encourage me to do the same through some writings he'd include and just direct encouragements, but I often found it hard to make myself see things that way... I suppose now, and even a bit then, that perhaps my brain just wasn't wired the same way as other peoples... that same year though my high school decided to have this like 'Health awareness' day or something like that, where everyone was forced to go to these seminars on a bunch of topics, we just got to pick which ones... well, I somehow forced myself to go attend the like suicide discussion, and in there actually found several people who seemed to be 'wired' more like me... and there found a friend, who while I've lost touch with her now, and last time I heard from her she was much happier... After high school she got married and has like 2 or 3 kids now... sounds like she's doing well... I however seem to be stuck in much the same gutter rut that I was when I was finishing high school... I will say, I don't think it's as bad as it was in high school... I was just a literal train wreck half the time through much of the 6 years that consisted of 7th thru 12th grades... now, I have my ups and downs... and sometimes, yes, my lows get pretty low... however, in some ways I think I've really been emotionally and mentally scared by the things that happened and the feelings I went through during those 6 years... scarred to a point that I don't think I function like most other people... while I don't doubt that everyone has fears and doubts about approaching new people, and making friends, and going through the changes life tosses at everyone... I somehow think I just don't roll as well as others... there are times when I'm faced with a social setting, and I just literally shut down... to the point where I sometimes wonder if people just think I'm mean, or cold... which I'm not really, it's just a defence mechanisim... when I stopped to think the other day about the people who I called friends throughout junior high and high school, especially the ones who I thought were good friends at the time, it's hard to find one that didn't in some way either use me, backstab me, or just ended up kicking me to the curb when someone 'better' came along... I guess that's why I resist people now, why even when I can tell a lot of myself, I mentally try and keep a distance, and why I'm so slow to believe that someone really is my friend, or really wants to be my friend... because in the back of my mind I start going through that feeling of 'one day they are just going to hurt you'... the two people who I would say were really good friends in high school, who never hurt me, are Andrea & Apryl, who are still today my closest friends in the world... the probably only two people in the world, who I honestly believe won't try and hurt me someday... and that's the thing... it's not like I can define a when... I fear that unknown someday when I will be hurt... and in order to avoid this unknow someday... I shut off, or beat myself up to such a point I probably drive them off... and then I've proven myself right... by defeating myself... it's so stupid... to avoid possible future pain by driving myself crazy and hurting myself now... doesn't make much sense does it? Doesn't make sense to me now typing it... but when it's happening, when my mind is going through that process, it makes perfect sense... because I'm not thinking about the hurt I'm causing myself at the moment... even though I know I'm hurting... okay, I'm not sure that this is making sense now anymore... this is where my brain starts running in circles and the connections that were made, start getting snapped and rewired... so I should probably stop now... *L* While I'm not dwelling, and before I start depressing myself... :p
And I seem to have inexplicably run out of things to say in pausing to listen to "My Life"... *heh*... was reading some other people's interpretations on the means to some random songs... some of the songs I was listening to... it's strange sometimes to hear others interpret things, because sometimes you simply derive your own meanings from things, separate from what the artist or others might make of the same things... I suppose that's one of the things that makes people so unique and interesting, is how no one sees things in the same way, everyone has their own unique perspectives... coming from all different kinds of backgrounds, experiences, inner sensations, by which I mean how each's mind works, how different individual's senses work... I still recall when my mom mentioned to me that after she'd gotten my brother his glasses (like pretty much all the men in my family on my father's side, all have bad vision, the women seem to be just fine though *L*)... anyway, he'd mentioned that he'd never noticed the pattern of the roofing on this one building a few blocks from our house, a building we've probably driven past who knows how many times in our lives... we've lived in this house for over 15 years... since my brother was just like 4 (so yeah... that'd be 16, nearly 17 years now... bro turns 21 this year, now that's a whole other scary weird thing... when did my little brother get so old? *L*)... anyway... again getting back to my point, I'm really good at just drifting off on tangents sometimes... especially when I'm journaling just on like a stream of conscienceness sort of level like I am right now... it was weird, to think that for years and years, my brother was seeing the world with this sort of blurry vision, of which I have absolutly no consept of, I've always had pretty good vision, never needed glasses (course if I take after my mom, I'll probably be needed reading glasses once I hit 40ish)... Anyway, now how did this whole perspective thing pop to mind anyway, well I was sitting, last night reading my old online journal, and at one point took a look back at some VERY old journals from high school, and noted a few things one of my teachers said in it to me... for a bit at the end of senior year I was sharing my journal with my creative writing teacher (Mr. Greenwood, you forever rock!)... and he would comment back to me sometimes in the notebook, and it usually made me feel better... some of the entries in it read a lot like some of those here from the last few weeks... some of them were probably even worse... I had a lot of self loathing going on throughout junior high and high school... didn't help that some of my fellow classmates helped reinforce that sense of being a worthless loser... but I won't go into any of that right now... but Greenwood, I believe, had a much lighter outlook on life, and tried to encourage me to do the same through some writings he'd include and just direct encouragements, but I often found it hard to make myself see things that way... I suppose now, and even a bit then, that perhaps my brain just wasn't wired the same way as other peoples... that same year though my high school decided to have this like 'Health awareness' day or something like that, where everyone was forced to go to these seminars on a bunch of topics, we just got to pick which ones... well, I somehow forced myself to go attend the like suicide discussion, and in there actually found several people who seemed to be 'wired' more like me... and there found a friend, who while I've lost touch with her now, and last time I heard from her she was much happier... After high school she got married and has like 2 or 3 kids now... sounds like she's doing well... I however seem to be stuck in much the same gutter rut that I was when I was finishing high school... I will say, I don't think it's as bad as it was in high school... I was just a literal train wreck half the time through much of the 6 years that consisted of 7th thru 12th grades... now, I have my ups and downs... and sometimes, yes, my lows get pretty low... however, in some ways I think I've really been emotionally and mentally scared by the things that happened and the feelings I went through during those 6 years... scarred to a point that I don't think I function like most other people... while I don't doubt that everyone has fears and doubts about approaching new people, and making friends, and going through the changes life tosses at everyone... I somehow think I just don't roll as well as others... there are times when I'm faced with a social setting, and I just literally shut down... to the point where I sometimes wonder if people just think I'm mean, or cold... which I'm not really, it's just a defence mechanisim... when I stopped to think the other day about the people who I called friends throughout junior high and high school, especially the ones who I thought were good friends at the time, it's hard to find one that didn't in some way either use me, backstab me, or just ended up kicking me to the curb when someone 'better' came along... I guess that's why I resist people now, why even when I can tell a lot of myself, I mentally try and keep a distance, and why I'm so slow to believe that someone really is my friend, or really wants to be my friend... because in the back of my mind I start going through that feeling of 'one day they are just going to hurt you'... the two people who I would say were really good friends in high school, who never hurt me, are Andrea & Apryl, who are still today my closest friends in the world... the probably only two people in the world, who I honestly believe won't try and hurt me someday... and that's the thing... it's not like I can define a when... I fear that unknown someday when I will be hurt... and in order to avoid this unknow someday... I shut off, or beat myself up to such a point I probably drive them off... and then I've proven myself right... by defeating myself... it's so stupid... to avoid possible future pain by driving myself crazy and hurting myself now... doesn't make much sense does it? Doesn't make sense to me now typing it... but when it's happening, when my mind is going through that process, it makes perfect sense... because I'm not thinking about the hurt I'm causing myself at the moment... even though I know I'm hurting... okay, I'm not sure that this is making sense now anymore... this is where my brain starts running in circles and the connections that were made, start getting snapped and rewired... so I should probably stop now... *L* While I'm not dwelling, and before I start depressing myself... :p
Friday, March 04, 2005
Rollercoaster
I'm really just riding a rollercoaster this week, it's totally insane. Kind of had a bit of a freak last night... or an episode of mental spinning, a 'sode'... as Jaye refered to it in Wonderfalls... I just kind of got down on myself and at 11pm just signed offline and went to bed in the middle of someone trying to talk me out... it wasn't working, so I ran... again... So, in case she's actually reading this, sorry Sarai, my mind just ceased functioning properly... so now I'm in class, bored as hell at the moment... not a lot to do in an editing class when I don't really get near the editing... really have to get my own... SOON... again by another person was suggested I talk to someone... and check out meds... I just really don't like the idea of pumping myself full of drugs... it's just really frustrating to be in my own head sometimes...
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Annoying misery chick
Yeah, that'd be me... I'd say something here like, if ya'll hadn't guessed, but well, seeing ya'll is no one... it's kind of silly... I know I'm the only one who reads this... which I guess doesn't really bother me, hell I won't even give out the addy to most people cause I don't want to reveal that much to everyone... or anyone... cause while I do somehow manage to censor myself in some ways here, there are others where I really don't... just out here baring my fucking soul to, well, no one... guess it's not that big a deal then eh?
I feel like such a fucking nusance right now... not to mention bloody stupid... I know, I know... fucking letting my head take over, run my fucking life, or my complete lack of one... existance... doesn't always mean living... I do very little actual living... god I'm pathetic... and the subtitle on this thing is so fucking true... 'cause sometimes I just like to talk to my self'... that's all I really do... when I talk to other people i just end up feeling stupid... like I said something dumb... or acted dumb...
I really think I just keep hoping for what I want from life, contentment and a little happiness... neither has been very forthcoming... thinking of giving up on waiting for them... I mean people get by being miserable all the time... I probably can too... didn't someone even say something about life being suffering or something... fun stuff, huh?
I feel like such a fucking nusance right now... not to mention bloody stupid... I know, I know... fucking letting my head take over, run my fucking life, or my complete lack of one... existance... doesn't always mean living... I do very little actual living... god I'm pathetic... and the subtitle on this thing is so fucking true... 'cause sometimes I just like to talk to my self'... that's all I really do... when I talk to other people i just end up feeling stupid... like I said something dumb... or acted dumb...
I really think I just keep hoping for what I want from life, contentment and a little happiness... neither has been very forthcoming... thinking of giving up on waiting for them... I mean people get by being miserable all the time... I probably can too... didn't someone even say something about life being suffering or something... fun stuff, huh?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Totally fucking frustrated now... was having a depressing start to my week, and then it got a little nice mid week, now as we head toward the end, I'm feeling bitchy and pissy, thanks to a little outing I didn't have the fucking backbone to say no to. It was completely fucking lame... but whatever... but really didn't need it an hour before taping for my internship. Course this was for my internship too, and I'm so desperate for hours I didn't think I ought to say no. Plus they made it seem like it was no big thing. Like it was lame I was worried about this. Course at least one of them got snagged on it... anyway... I walked out with the one guy and snagged back my camera and headed for the school. Too little time to be reasonable or worth going home before taping. So now I'm sitting in the library at school trying to cool off, before I have to go see these people again and be mellowed enough to operate a fucking camera... Grrrrrrr!!! Fucking hell dude... this is utter shit. And it's even shittier that now I'm all pissed and bitchy... dude, my moods fucking downshift so fast it's insane... but then I never claimed to be fucking sane...
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Freakin' Weird
Okay, so I'm just in a totally weird mood now... actually feeling good today and just kooky. *L* Feeling all like playful and goofy right now... total flipside of how I was feeling the other day... Not really sure what made today good. I didn't get much sleep (like an hour and half last night) before running off to school to help edit for my internship and then getting trained on the nice new cameras the school has. Then went home, napped for a couple hours, and went to a meeting. Then came home, hopped online, watched Lost... which totally rocked. I was so glad they did an ep centered around Hurley, finally. He's a cool character.
Anyway... not much else to say... should go grab a shower and head for bed, got an exam in the morning. At least it's multiple 'guess'. *L*
Anyway... not much else to say... should go grab a shower and head for bed, got an exam in the morning. At least it's multiple 'guess'. *L*
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Tears...
The tears started welling again... why? No good reason... the person I was talking to online had to brb, and hadn't come back ... don't know how long, but seemed like a while... the silence was starting to become deafening... and then I felt the tears, the sting in the eyes... then I ran... before I could wait for her return, I ran. I signed off one messenger and then the other... I don't know why... it's not doing me any good... the tears are falling... god I hate being so fucking needy, and so fucking fucked up! What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just a shitty person sometimes... totally incapable of normal human interaction... I'm falling... I just hope I hit bottom soon, so I can make some attempt, no matter how useless at climbing back up again...
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