Just rambling...

So, I'm trying a little music therapy this evening... I've been sitting online pretty much all day and no one has talked to me once... granted I've got my MSN turned to busy... but if anyone ever talked to me there other then the one usual suspect, they'd know busy doesn't mean a lot... maybe it's that my 'name' on MSN is currently 'Eh...' Why the ...? Don't know, I just do that a lot... maybe it's like I'm not done thinking, but don't actually have anything to say... or do, but am not saying, or can't put it in words... or it's just how I choose to string my thoughts together... I have a tendancy toward it here too... as well as when talking online to people... weirdness... anyway... so, been just listening to stuff, random songs by random artists... currently got Dido on, the first album... "No Angel"... I think it could very possibly be one of my all time favorite CDs. And I still relate a lot to many of the songs on that CD, plus the vibe of her music is just... well... I don't know... It does something for my soul I think... it's like soothing... it speaks to it in it's own little totally uncomprehendable by the mind sort of way... I guess it's pretty clear actually from this journal that it's a CD I relate to, seeing as I took the line from her song "My Life", 'cause it's me, and my life, as the title of this blog, and of the online journal I kept before this blog...

And I seem to have inexplicably run out of things to say in pausing to listen to "My Life"... *heh*... was reading some other people's interpretations on the means to some random songs... some of the songs I was listening to... it's strange sometimes to hear others interpret things, because sometimes you simply derive your own meanings from things, separate from what the artist or others might make of the same things... I suppose that's one of the things that makes people so unique and interesting, is how no one sees things in the same way, everyone has their own unique perspectives... coming from all different kinds of backgrounds, experiences, inner sensations, by which I mean how each's mind works, how different individual's senses work... I still recall when my mom mentioned to me that after she'd gotten my brother his glasses (like pretty much all the men in my family on my father's side, all have bad vision, the women seem to be just fine though *L*)... anyway, he'd mentioned that he'd never noticed the pattern of the roofing on this one building a few blocks from our house, a building we've probably driven past who knows how many times in our lives... we've lived in this house for over 15 years... since my brother was just like 4 (so yeah... that'd be 16, nearly 17 years now... bro turns 21 this year, now that's a whole other scary weird thing... when did my little brother get so old? *L*)... anyway... again getting back to my point, I'm really good at just drifting off on tangents sometimes... especially when I'm journaling just on like a stream of conscienceness sort of level like I am right now... it was weird, to think that for years and years, my brother was seeing the world with this sort of blurry vision, of which I have absolutly no consept of, I've always had pretty good vision, never needed glasses (course if I take after my mom, I'll probably be needed reading glasses once I hit 40ish)... Anyway, now how did this whole perspective thing pop to mind anyway, well I was sitting, last night reading my old online journal, and at one point took a look back at some VERY old journals from high school, and noted a few things one of my teachers said in it to me... for a bit at the end of senior year I was sharing my journal with my creative writing teacher (Mr. Greenwood, you forever rock!)... and he would comment back to me sometimes in the notebook, and it usually made me feel better... some of the entries in it read a lot like some of those here from the last few weeks... some of them were probably even worse... I had a lot of self loathing going on throughout junior high and high school... didn't help that some of my fellow classmates helped reinforce that sense of being a worthless loser... but I won't go into any of that right now... but Greenwood, I believe, had a much lighter outlook on life, and tried to encourage me to do the same through some writings he'd include and just direct encouragements, but I often found it hard to make myself see things that way... I suppose now, and even a bit then, that perhaps my brain just wasn't wired the same way as other peoples... that same year though my high school decided to have this like 'Health awareness' day or something like that, where everyone was forced to go to these seminars on a bunch of topics, we just got to pick which ones... well, I somehow forced myself to go attend the like suicide discussion, and in there actually found several people who seemed to be 'wired' more like me... and there found a friend, who while I've lost touch with her now, and last time I heard from her she was much happier... After high school she got married and has like 2 or 3 kids now... sounds like she's doing well... I however seem to be stuck in much the same gutter rut that I was when I was finishing high school... I will say, I don't think it's as bad as it was in high school... I was just a literal train wreck half the time through much of the 6 years that consisted of 7th thru 12th grades... now, I have my ups and downs... and sometimes, yes, my lows get pretty low... however, in some ways I think I've really been emotionally and mentally scared by the things that happened and the feelings I went through during those 6 years... scarred to a point that I don't think I function like most other people... while I don't doubt that everyone has fears and doubts about approaching new people, and making friends, and going through the changes life tosses at everyone... I somehow think I just don't roll as well as others... there are times when I'm faced with a social setting, and I just literally shut down... to the point where I sometimes wonder if people just think I'm mean, or cold... which I'm not really, it's just a defence mechanisim... when I stopped to think the other day about the people who I called friends throughout junior high and high school, especially the ones who I thought were good friends at the time, it's hard to find one that didn't in some way either use me, backstab me, or just ended up kicking me to the curb when someone 'better' came along... I guess that's why I resist people now, why even when I can tell a lot of myself, I mentally try and keep a distance, and why I'm so slow to believe that someone really is my friend, or really wants to be my friend... because in the back of my mind I start going through that feeling of 'one day they are just going to hurt you'... the two people who I would say were really good friends in high school, who never hurt me, are Andrea & Apryl, who are still today my closest friends in the world... the probably only two people in the world, who I honestly believe won't try and hurt me someday... and that's the thing... it's not like I can define a when... I fear that unknown someday when I will be hurt... and in order to avoid this unknow someday... I shut off, or beat myself up to such a point I probably drive them off... and then I've proven myself right... by defeating myself... it's so stupid... to avoid possible future pain by driving myself crazy and hurting myself now... doesn't make much sense does it? Doesn't make sense to me now typing it... but when it's happening, when my mind is going through that process, it makes perfect sense... because I'm not thinking about the hurt I'm causing myself at the moment... even though I know I'm hurting... okay, I'm not sure that this is making sense now anymore... this is where my brain starts running in circles and the connections that were made, start getting snapped and rewired... so I should probably stop now... *L* While I'm not dwelling, and before I start depressing myself... :p