Fuck it

Yeah, okay, so I'm thinking about a lot of shit lately. I was just thinking about people, and trust, and forgiveness. And a memory came back to me, that I think is very defining. I generally have a kind of shitty memory for the typical daily shit that makes up life. The little shit fades to time, and I guess that's fine. Although I certainly wouldn't mind recalling a little clearer the little shit that made me happy. The moments that were good. Which isn't to say I don't remember any of the good shit that has happened in my life... and yeah, there has been good stuff. Occationally this black cloud does turn a fuzzy shade of grey, and even clears away to a blue sky once in a while. But I was thinking about the things that do tend to stick with me most, are the hurts. The times in which I was left with a knife in my back, or left laying in the fucking gutter.

So, when I was in junior high, 7th grade... 12 years old... (actually I recall a moment when I was just 10 when I felt really betrayed and hurt by a close friend, but I won't go there)... but when I was 12, I had this friend, she was one of my two best friends. We had been a bit of a 'trio' since like 5th grade. Then one of the two moved part way through the year. It left just the two of us, and we had fun. At some point 'we' began getting crank calls, that were rather cruel, and threatening. Somehow at first signs pointed to this other girl in our class, who was a little weird, but not really a bad person. Then it got suspicious when my friend, fine let's say her name was Mary, and I would be over at each other's homes all the time, but magically we never got a single crank call when I was at her house or she was at mine. I'm also not positive that Mary hadn't taken things from me. A couple of which would magically turn up again in the oddest of places, while she was over. A few of which I never got back. Maybe it was all coincidence, but I doubt it. Especially when another friend, whom had in the past been a good friend of Mary's told me she had had crank call trouble while being friends with Mary, and that she had pretty much figure out it was her. Then one day, after a good span without any crank calls, I got one again. About 5 minutes later Mary called me asking if I'd gotten a call, because she had. I said no, I hadn't. She seemed a little suprised, like she didn't know how to respond. That was pretty much the cincher. When the first day of 8th grade came around and I was faced with another year like the one before, I decided I needed to change some things, namely, her. So I avoided her, ignored her, and it finally came down to a fight, and we both pretty much didn't speak to each other for probably around a year or more. Sometime during ninth grade we made up, forgave for everything that happened during the fall out of 8th grade. And while from then on, we spoke, were plesant, and I did not hold any real grudge. I had forgiven, but I had not forgotten. And for that reason, I would never take her back into my trust. She was to remain a casual friend. And when she went to a different high school in 10th grade then I did. I lost touch with her, and was not concerned about it. Unlike with so many other people, I made no attempts to call her, or keep contact. This is kind of how things go with me. I am fairly good with forgiving people for the things they may have done, but if it truly hurt, and they were someone I'd really honestly trusted, then I don't forget.

So what does this have to do with anything. Well, I was able then to just say 'fuck it' to things that were detrimental to my being, to my mental state. Course that particular incident has done other things to me, like it made it so it took me nearly 10 years to be capable of using the phrase 'best friend' again. However, I realized that Mary was not good for me and my being, and I just cut off the friendship with her. Now, as that relates to now, there is no person. It's more like situations I need to say 'fuck it' to. Ideas, notions, and things that get caught in my head. Which a person would probably be easier to cut off then ideas that get caught up in my head. But if I can say 'fuck it' before it becomes something in my head, then I can cut it off before it starts. Anything that could be troublesome to my mental being.

I suppose though that Mary and the whole situation of her explains some of how I got to be me now. Why I have so much trouble trusting people, why I expect people to just treat me like crap and toss me off when they have gotten what they need from me. And why I just sink into myself and my own little world so often. Why I have this unconscious habit of isolating myself from others, from the world. Even when I don't really want to be alone.