Okay, so I've been surfing psychology websites a bit the last week or so, which may or may not be a good thing. But I just came across this, and well, it's sad. It's the 7 basic human needs, which are apparently what will help keep a person happy, and mentally healthy.
1. The need to give and receive attention.
Okay, well, I don't give and receive a lot of attention. There is a little bit in my house, and occationally at school or internship, but it's always for only the duration of the required class period in which other people are forced to participate with each other in class or internship activities. My mind tends to fuck with me, and as soon as the contact is broken by someone I flee. I run off home again, seeking some kind of communication with people online. Which aside from one person, is in limited suply.
2. Taking heed of the mind body connection.
This is basically caring for the body, giving it what it needs. Food, sleep, exersize. Yeah, I'm bad with that stuff. I mean I eat, but irratically. I'll not eat anything all day through school come home at 2pm and then eat. And then sometimes I don't eat what I should or eat too much. And, well, my mom bought one of those cycle thingies, and I'm trying to when I go sit in her room and talk to her for a little while, to also sit and pedal. And I'm well, a long time insomniac. I've had troubles getting to sleep, and feeling like I slept well since I was like 9 years old.
3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.
Well, if one reads back in my old journal, one might find an entry dealing with the very notion of meaning and life. My basic conclusion about this was sumed up nicely for me in an episode of the show "Angel". "If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do." Yeah, that's kind of my feeling. I won't get deep into this now, since I pretty well talked it to death a few years ago in the aformentioned journal entry. However, I don't think I've moved away from that notion. That wouldn't be a problem except that in disallowing some grand meaning of life, for the notion that all that matters is what we do. Doing those things, however big or small they are that give each of us as individuals our own personal meanings in life. My problem is that I often lose sight of any little meanings of what I do, or feel like I don't do anything at all, that I am so static that I'm not doing anything for anyone, including myself. And that kind of lends to a general feeling of worthlessness, and uselessness, which tends to then eat away at any temporary confidence I have in what I'm trying to do, or hoping to do, or that I have any meaning to my life at all. Which is usually when I start wondering what really would be the harm of taking a razor blade to my wrists.
4. Connection to something bigger than oneself.
This sort of ties right into number 3 for me. Being involved in things like my internship help to make me feel like I'm doing something that's not just for me, or about me, but about a lot of people, and for good causes, good issues, or at least might help make others I'm working with feel good for a job well done. And thus makes me feel good, feeling like I'm a part of this whole that can make things happen, like broadcasting a live weekly tv show, even if it's a very small show on local PBS with limited viewership. Someone out there is watching, and it's there because myself and a bunch of other people made it happen. However, I'm not very involved in anything other then that and thus when I walk away after a shoot, or meeting and am then just wandering about again, I don't feel so connected to something besides my screwy little mind.
5. The need for creativity and stimulation.
This may be the only one of these needs I really can and do regularly work at satisfying. Through trying to write, pictures, etc I try and find something to put a creative focus into. As for the stimulation, I guess aside from the creative outlets, it's pretty much surfing the net and watching TV and such that is my stimulation.
6. The need to feel understood and connected.
I don't even feel understood or connected to myself a lot of the time. There are very few people I really feel connected to. And even with them, I think just about everyone, I don't lie to them, but I keep things to myself. I feel like I'm just going to bother people with my issues or problems, because everyone else has their own problems, they don't need to try and help or work around mine. I've never been very good at coming right out and expressing my feelings to others. When people do catch me in moments of raw emotion, such as openly crying my eyes out or angry, it's generally cause I've been 'stashing' feelings for days, weeks, months even and I've finally just broken, snapped, lost it, whatever term you want to use for it. There are some people I come close to opening all the way up to, like my friend Andrea, but even with her, I usually try not to contact her when I'm really hurting, when the tears are imminate. I only try and approach with problems when I can be calm about them. Apryl was much the same way when she was more accessable. Online I've managed to open up a little bit more rawly to a couple people. Currently it's Sarai, but there have been a couple people in the past whom I have since lost touch with, usually because I or they wound up cut off from much online activity due to real life stress, or for some of them sometimes, good fortune. Maybe it's just somehow easier to reveal more emotionally when you don't then have to look the person in the face tomorrow, or a week from now, or some forseeably planned time in the near future. And with people I know face to face, I always worry that once I stop sheilding my emotions so much, that then as opposed to feeling more understood by them because they 'get it' and don't care about whatever baggage I carry with me, that they will be put off by it and thus I feel even less understood.
7. The need to feel a sense of control.
Maybe that is why I like and feel comfortable with things because items are just that items. Things you can control. As opposed to feelings, thoughts, situations. So often so much is out of my control, sometimes even my own thoughts and feelings, sometimes most often those things. I so often walk around just feeling like I can't control anything, like things will just happen and I can't do a thing to help them, alter them, or make them go my way.
Well, I guess this would certainly begin to hint at why my mental state is so bad. I'm just not sure what I can do to solve most of these things. (There's that control thing again.) Other than perhaps making more effort to eat better and use that cycle thingy more regularly. *shakes head* It's so overwhelming.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Hello out there?
Okay so this is cause I'm curious if and who is actually looking at this thing. I've got a sneaking suspision I have perhaps one occasional checker, and I know who she might be...
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Describe me in one word:
5. What was your first impression?:
6. Do you still think that way about me now?:
7. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
8. How well do you know me?:
9. When's the last time you saw me?:
1. Who are you?:
2. Are we friends?:
3. When and how did we meet?:
4. Describe me in one word:
5. What was your first impression?:
6. Do you still think that way about me now?:
7. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
8. How well do you know me?:
9. When's the last time you saw me?:
Open to a world of hurt or Closed off for the amusement of inner demons, a debate
Okay, so here's my new little debate of the day... what's better... being open to the world of hurt out there, to all the things other people can do to fuck with your mind, and brutalize your spirit, in the hopes of having some connection with others, and finding like joy and love and all that stuff... or being closed off from the world and just dealing with all the internal demons and voices, and just knowing that no one is hurting you but yourself...
So, hurt from others, or self inflicted wounds... I'm not sure what's better, what would hurt less... I feel like I've had a lot of both, and neither is very pleasant. I don't like being back stabed, or cast off by people I thought I could trust, who I cared for. But I also don't really enjoy what my own mind is capable of doing to me. However, if my mind is going to do it anyway, and it will further brutalize me after someone else has hurt me... so maybe it's not a one or another... but a situation of the internal battle and beating is going to happen regardless... so do I want to be open to external hurt also, hopeing that some external joy will subdue or soothe some of the internal brusing.
So, hurt from others, or self inflicted wounds... I'm not sure what's better, what would hurt less... I feel like I've had a lot of both, and neither is very pleasant. I don't like being back stabed, or cast off by people I thought I could trust, who I cared for. But I also don't really enjoy what my own mind is capable of doing to me. However, if my mind is going to do it anyway, and it will further brutalize me after someone else has hurt me... so maybe it's not a one or another... but a situation of the internal battle and beating is going to happen regardless... so do I want to be open to external hurt also, hopeing that some external joy will subdue or soothe some of the internal brusing.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Self fulfilling prophesys and other musings...
Self fulfilling prophesys... yeah, maybe I do that... I get down on things, and myself, and the fear and doubt about situations take over, and then things don't happen the way I want, but happen the way I negatively project they will... that's what I'm being told by a friend... maybe it's true... maybe I just expect so much that things won't go my way, that inevitably they don't... I talk myself out of it...
I really want to break myself of these things... because I think if I don't, I really may be miserable forever... which would become yet another of those self fulfilling prophesys... I want to know how to get over it... Am I really seeing myself in some fucked up mirror that is distorting my own image of myself... do other people really see me in a totally different way then I see myself? And are they maybe more right then I am? Maybe because they are more neutral... they don't have all these assumptions I have about myself, ingrained ideas and notions that have been burned into me since I was a kid... can I fix this alone... or will that just make me see myself more the way I do now... so far in my life it's only seemed to serve to further enforce my own ideas about myself... and those notions I internalized because of things told to me when I was young... but how do I see myself from outside myself... how can I see with any perspective other than my own... ??
I really want to break myself of these things... because I think if I don't, I really may be miserable forever... which would become yet another of those self fulfilling prophesys... I want to know how to get over it... Am I really seeing myself in some fucked up mirror that is distorting my own image of myself... do other people really see me in a totally different way then I see myself? And are they maybe more right then I am? Maybe because they are more neutral... they don't have all these assumptions I have about myself, ingrained ideas and notions that have been burned into me since I was a kid... can I fix this alone... or will that just make me see myself more the way I do now... so far in my life it's only seemed to serve to further enforce my own ideas about myself... and those notions I internalized because of things told to me when I was young... but how do I see myself from outside myself... how can I see with any perspective other than my own... ??
Sunday, March 06, 2005
non sensical meanderings of a crazy chick
I don't know why I just can't be content being alone... it seems to be how I was ment to be... why do I still feel the need to connect with other people, it'd be simpler, happier if I could just all the time love being locked away in my room... but no, online again, no one talking to me again, and feeling kind of sucky again... I swear there were times at least for a few weeks at a time where this was just fine... where I was almost content and happy being by myself... I'm sure there will again, but sucks till then... and then I'll just be waiting around again for the next time I don't... it's a sick cycle... seems like everything just spins on this sick cycle... coming around and around again... never can quite get away from anything... it all always comes back at you... good and bad... feelings, situations... eh... I don't know that I'm making any sense right now... mind is kind of numbing out... but maybe that's good... maybe not... I don't seem to recall enjoying the last time I went numb... but it does always come around again... so I suppose it's just another step on the road... maybe numbness is the gateway to at least some temporary contentment...
Another mindless survey...
Yeah so, I'm making a habit of theiving surveys from blogs and LJs... I have nothing better to do with my existance, right?... so I fill out surveys...
Favorites
1. Gum: haven't chewed much gum in a while
2. Restaurant: don't eat out much
3. Drink: orange juice
4. Season: summer I guess...
5. Type of weather: generally sunny, but there are days where rain is what I want... it really is a mood thing...
6. Emotion: any that doesn't make me feel like I want to slit my wrists
7. Thing to do on a half day: what a day not all busy... I used to have lots of those, now i have lots of half busy days... never totally busy...
8. Late-night activity: I'd say online on the comp, but that hasn't been making me very happy lately...
9. Sport: football
10. City: hmm... guess I'll go with good old San Fran...
11. Store: best buy maybe...
When was the last time you
12. Cried: like a half hour ago...eyes still a bit red and puffy I think
13. Played a sport: ages...
14. Laughed: feels like ages... but it was probably like yesterday... for a moment...
15. Hugged someone: other than my cats... don't know...
16. Kissed someone: I'm going to refuse to answer this one... fuck off...
17. Felt depressed: um... now
18. Felt overworked: maybe a few days ago... maybe Thurs when I just kind of felt pulled all over...
19. Faked sick: never did much of that...
20. Lied: probably sometime this week when I said I was okay, and probably really wasn't... can't garantee the lie wasn't to myself though...
What was the last
21. Word you said: not sure...
22. Thing you ate: um... not sure...
23. Song you listened to: Listening to Dido "Slide" right now...
24. Thing you drank: Um... probably orange juice
25. Place you went to: the grocery store... super exciting my life is not...
26. Movie you saw at the movies: Um... National Treasure...
27. Movie you rented: Just rented this film called Easy... haven't watched it yet though... last one rented and watched was I Heart Huckabees.
Who was the last person you
28. Hugged: if we aren't counting cats here, I have no idea...
29. Cried over: myself... and all those people i once trusted...
30. Kissed:
31. Danced with:
32. Shared a secret with: maybe that's a secret...
33. Had a sleepover with: no idea... last time I slept over at someone's house... ??? Does sharing a hotel room with some friends on a trip count? If so then it was Andrea & Marcus...
35. Went to a movie with: Andrea
36. Saw: um... probably my mom...unless we're counting cats...
37. Were angry with: um... rehashed some bad shit a bit ago... so all those people I used to trust...
38. Couldn't take your eyes off: Um... I'm usually pretty good at shying away...
39. Obsessed over: there's been a few people taking up a lot of my head space lately...
Have you ever
40. Danced in the rain: yeah, years and years and years ago...
41. Kissed someone:
42. Done drugs: no
43. Drank alcohol: yes
44. Partied 'til the sun came up: no
45. Missing apparently
46. Gone too far on a dare: no
47. Spun until you were immensely dizzy: yes
48. Taken a survey quite like this before: yes, I'm often bored and online late at night... I have a sad little existance generally...
I'm ...
55. I'm feeling: shitty
56. I'm listening to: Dido
57. I'm doing: this...
58. I'm talking to: no one, other than myself... I talk to myself a lot...
59. I'm craving: a little joy & comfort
60. I'm thinking of: blank... just kind of numbing myself out right now...
61. I'm hating: a lot right now...
Love
62. Love is: the tiny little stupid hopeful voice in side me wants to say it's good and exists and will find me someday... but then the other voices choak the little stupid one till she shuts the fuck up...
63. My first love: never had one... and at this rate... probably never will...
64. In love now:
65. Love or lust: I'm refusing to answer most of this section on the grounds that I don't think it applies to me, I think fate has been pretty fucking clear about that to me at this point...
66. Best love song:
67. Is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time:
68. Would you rather be in love or single: well, being single hasn't been that good to me... but then maybe love would suck even more... who the fuck knows...
69. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
Picky picky
67. Dog or cat: cat
68. Short or long hair: eh...short I guess... I tend to keep mine short... but other people look good with long hair...
69. Sunshine or rain: both
70. Hugs or kisses: I'd make the Hersheys joke right now, but I'm not in the mood...
71. Summer or winter: summer...
72. Written letters or e-mails: email... it's just easier...
73. Playstation or nintendo: never really played playstation, but my brother seems to like it... I remember nintendo being fun as a kid/teen however... Mario was cool...
74. Car or motorcycle: car
75. House party or club: I don't really get invited out to either much... and the parties I've been too, not really the wild 'house party' sort... more the sit around and be amused by the drunkest or highest person in the room and chat...
76. Sing or dance: dance... since I can't sing worth a damn... only do it in the car or my room with the volume up loud enough to mostly drowned myself out...
77. Freak or slow dance: I don't really do either... last time I danced with someone was probably junior high, and that was probably only out of pity for the sorry chick hanging out on the side of the gym in the dark... Yeah, that was me... I know there was probably one of me in every high school, and did you speak to her? or was she social suicide? Dude... my head is fucked up right now... I should go to bed...
Lately
78. How are you today? shitty...
79. What pants are you wearing right now? some old plaid flannel pants that barely stay on but they are comfy...
80. What shirt are you wearing right now? sweatshirt, hooded, marroon in color...
81. What does your hair look like at the moment: pulled back, loose tied
82. What song are you listening to right now? "Take my Hand" by Dido
83. How is the weather right now? not sure... was fairly sunny today... it's all dark and middle of the night now though...
84. Who was last person you talked to on the phone? um... I think Holly
85. Last dream I can remember? um... not good with the dream recall, however I do recall some dream like last night... strange as always, and for some reason this cute guy from my internship was there... don't recall why or how... or what the dream was... but I suppose the cute guy didn't suck... be nice if he turned up again tonight actually, I could use something that doesn't suck about now...
Favorites
1. Gum: haven't chewed much gum in a while
2. Restaurant: don't eat out much
3. Drink: orange juice
4. Season: summer I guess...
5. Type of weather: generally sunny, but there are days where rain is what I want... it really is a mood thing...
6. Emotion: any that doesn't make me feel like I want to slit my wrists
7. Thing to do on a half day: what a day not all busy... I used to have lots of those, now i have lots of half busy days... never totally busy...
8. Late-night activity: I'd say online on the comp, but that hasn't been making me very happy lately...
9. Sport: football
10. City: hmm... guess I'll go with good old San Fran...
11. Store: best buy maybe...
When was the last time you
12. Cried: like a half hour ago...eyes still a bit red and puffy I think
13. Played a sport: ages...
14. Laughed: feels like ages... but it was probably like yesterday... for a moment...
15. Hugged someone: other than my cats... don't know...
16. Kissed someone: I'm going to refuse to answer this one... fuck off...
17. Felt depressed: um... now
18. Felt overworked: maybe a few days ago... maybe Thurs when I just kind of felt pulled all over...
19. Faked sick: never did much of that...
20. Lied: probably sometime this week when I said I was okay, and probably really wasn't... can't garantee the lie wasn't to myself though...
What was the last
21. Word you said: not sure...
22. Thing you ate: um... not sure...
23. Song you listened to: Listening to Dido "Slide" right now...
24. Thing you drank: Um... probably orange juice
25. Place you went to: the grocery store... super exciting my life is not...
26. Movie you saw at the movies: Um... National Treasure...
27. Movie you rented: Just rented this film called Easy... haven't watched it yet though... last one rented and watched was I Heart Huckabees.
Who was the last person you
28. Hugged: if we aren't counting cats here, I have no idea...
29. Cried over: myself... and all those people i once trusted...
30. Kissed:
31. Danced with:
32. Shared a secret with: maybe that's a secret...
33. Had a sleepover with: no idea... last time I slept over at someone's house... ??? Does sharing a hotel room with some friends on a trip count? If so then it was Andrea & Marcus...
35. Went to a movie with: Andrea
36. Saw: um... probably my mom...unless we're counting cats...
37. Were angry with: um... rehashed some bad shit a bit ago... so all those people I used to trust...
38. Couldn't take your eyes off: Um... I'm usually pretty good at shying away...
39. Obsessed over: there's been a few people taking up a lot of my head space lately...
Have you ever
40. Danced in the rain: yeah, years and years and years ago...
41. Kissed someone:
42. Done drugs: no
43. Drank alcohol: yes
44. Partied 'til the sun came up: no
45. Missing apparently
46. Gone too far on a dare: no
47. Spun until you were immensely dizzy: yes
48. Taken a survey quite like this before: yes, I'm often bored and online late at night... I have a sad little existance generally...
I'm ...
55. I'm feeling: shitty
56. I'm listening to: Dido
57. I'm doing: this...
58. I'm talking to: no one, other than myself... I talk to myself a lot...
59. I'm craving: a little joy & comfort
60. I'm thinking of: blank... just kind of numbing myself out right now...
61. I'm hating: a lot right now...
Love
62. Love is: the tiny little stupid hopeful voice in side me wants to say it's good and exists and will find me someday... but then the other voices choak the little stupid one till she shuts the fuck up...
63. My first love: never had one... and at this rate... probably never will...
64. In love now:
65. Love or lust: I'm refusing to answer most of this section on the grounds that I don't think it applies to me, I think fate has been pretty fucking clear about that to me at this point...
66. Best love song:
67. Is it possible to be in love w/ more than one person at the same time:
68. Would you rather be in love or single: well, being single hasn't been that good to me... but then maybe love would suck even more... who the fuck knows...
69. Is there such thing as love at first sight?
Picky picky
67. Dog or cat: cat
68. Short or long hair: eh...short I guess... I tend to keep mine short... but other people look good with long hair...
69. Sunshine or rain: both
70. Hugs or kisses: I'd make the Hersheys joke right now, but I'm not in the mood...
71. Summer or winter: summer...
72. Written letters or e-mails: email... it's just easier...
73. Playstation or nintendo: never really played playstation, but my brother seems to like it... I remember nintendo being fun as a kid/teen however... Mario was cool...
74. Car or motorcycle: car
75. House party or club: I don't really get invited out to either much... and the parties I've been too, not really the wild 'house party' sort... more the sit around and be amused by the drunkest or highest person in the room and chat...
76. Sing or dance: dance... since I can't sing worth a damn... only do it in the car or my room with the volume up loud enough to mostly drowned myself out...
77. Freak or slow dance: I don't really do either... last time I danced with someone was probably junior high, and that was probably only out of pity for the sorry chick hanging out on the side of the gym in the dark... Yeah, that was me... I know there was probably one of me in every high school, and did you speak to her? or was she social suicide? Dude... my head is fucked up right now... I should go to bed...
Lately
78. How are you today? shitty...
79. What pants are you wearing right now? some old plaid flannel pants that barely stay on but they are comfy...
80. What shirt are you wearing right now? sweatshirt, hooded, marroon in color...
81. What does your hair look like at the moment: pulled back, loose tied
82. What song are you listening to right now? "Take my Hand" by Dido
83. How is the weather right now? not sure... was fairly sunny today... it's all dark and middle of the night now though...
84. Who was last person you talked to on the phone? um... I think Holly
85. Last dream I can remember? um... not good with the dream recall, however I do recall some dream like last night... strange as always, and for some reason this cute guy from my internship was there... don't recall why or how... or what the dream was... but I suppose the cute guy didn't suck... be nice if he turned up again tonight actually, I could use something that doesn't suck about now...
Crying...
so it's all fallen into a cry now... recalling all this shit from the last year, which only reminds me of all the other shit before that and how many times people i've trusted have hurt me... it's scary how very few people have not... i guess it's no wonder i have issues with trusting people... why i'm so paranoid... and how I just fuck up everything I get near... and how often I end up like this, alone, crying, silently... this just sucks...
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Just rambling...
So, I'm trying a little music therapy this evening... I've been sitting online pretty much all day and no one has talked to me once... granted I've got my MSN turned to busy... but if anyone ever talked to me there other then the one usual suspect, they'd know busy doesn't mean a lot... maybe it's that my 'name' on MSN is currently 'Eh...' Why the ...? Don't know, I just do that a lot... maybe it's like I'm not done thinking, but don't actually have anything to say... or do, but am not saying, or can't put it in words... or it's just how I choose to string my thoughts together... I have a tendancy toward it here too... as well as when talking online to people... weirdness... anyway... so, been just listening to stuff, random songs by random artists... currently got Dido on, the first album... "No Angel"... I think it could very possibly be one of my all time favorite CDs. And I still relate a lot to many of the songs on that CD, plus the vibe of her music is just... well... I don't know... It does something for my soul I think... it's like soothing... it speaks to it in it's own little totally uncomprehendable by the mind sort of way... I guess it's pretty clear actually from this journal that it's a CD I relate to, seeing as I took the line from her song "My Life", 'cause it's me, and my life, as the title of this blog, and of the online journal I kept before this blog...
And I seem to have inexplicably run out of things to say in pausing to listen to "My Life"... *heh*... was reading some other people's interpretations on the means to some random songs... some of the songs I was listening to... it's strange sometimes to hear others interpret things, because sometimes you simply derive your own meanings from things, separate from what the artist or others might make of the same things... I suppose that's one of the things that makes people so unique and interesting, is how no one sees things in the same way, everyone has their own unique perspectives... coming from all different kinds of backgrounds, experiences, inner sensations, by which I mean how each's mind works, how different individual's senses work... I still recall when my mom mentioned to me that after she'd gotten my brother his glasses (like pretty much all the men in my family on my father's side, all have bad vision, the women seem to be just fine though *L*)... anyway, he'd mentioned that he'd never noticed the pattern of the roofing on this one building a few blocks from our house, a building we've probably driven past who knows how many times in our lives... we've lived in this house for over 15 years... since my brother was just like 4 (so yeah... that'd be 16, nearly 17 years now... bro turns 21 this year, now that's a whole other scary weird thing... when did my little brother get so old? *L*)... anyway... again getting back to my point, I'm really good at just drifting off on tangents sometimes... especially when I'm journaling just on like a stream of conscienceness sort of level like I am right now... it was weird, to think that for years and years, my brother was seeing the world with this sort of blurry vision, of which I have absolutly no consept of, I've always had pretty good vision, never needed glasses (course if I take after my mom, I'll probably be needed reading glasses once I hit 40ish)... Anyway, now how did this whole perspective thing pop to mind anyway, well I was sitting, last night reading my old online journal, and at one point took a look back at some VERY old journals from high school, and noted a few things one of my teachers said in it to me... for a bit at the end of senior year I was sharing my journal with my creative writing teacher (Mr. Greenwood, you forever rock!)... and he would comment back to me sometimes in the notebook, and it usually made me feel better... some of the entries in it read a lot like some of those here from the last few weeks... some of them were probably even worse... I had a lot of self loathing going on throughout junior high and high school... didn't help that some of my fellow classmates helped reinforce that sense of being a worthless loser... but I won't go into any of that right now... but Greenwood, I believe, had a much lighter outlook on life, and tried to encourage me to do the same through some writings he'd include and just direct encouragements, but I often found it hard to make myself see things that way... I suppose now, and even a bit then, that perhaps my brain just wasn't wired the same way as other peoples... that same year though my high school decided to have this like 'Health awareness' day or something like that, where everyone was forced to go to these seminars on a bunch of topics, we just got to pick which ones... well, I somehow forced myself to go attend the like suicide discussion, and in there actually found several people who seemed to be 'wired' more like me... and there found a friend, who while I've lost touch with her now, and last time I heard from her she was much happier... After high school she got married and has like 2 or 3 kids now... sounds like she's doing well... I however seem to be stuck in much the same gutter rut that I was when I was finishing high school... I will say, I don't think it's as bad as it was in high school... I was just a literal train wreck half the time through much of the 6 years that consisted of 7th thru 12th grades... now, I have my ups and downs... and sometimes, yes, my lows get pretty low... however, in some ways I think I've really been emotionally and mentally scared by the things that happened and the feelings I went through during those 6 years... scarred to a point that I don't think I function like most other people... while I don't doubt that everyone has fears and doubts about approaching new people, and making friends, and going through the changes life tosses at everyone... I somehow think I just don't roll as well as others... there are times when I'm faced with a social setting, and I just literally shut down... to the point where I sometimes wonder if people just think I'm mean, or cold... which I'm not really, it's just a defence mechanisim... when I stopped to think the other day about the people who I called friends throughout junior high and high school, especially the ones who I thought were good friends at the time, it's hard to find one that didn't in some way either use me, backstab me, or just ended up kicking me to the curb when someone 'better' came along... I guess that's why I resist people now, why even when I can tell a lot of myself, I mentally try and keep a distance, and why I'm so slow to believe that someone really is my friend, or really wants to be my friend... because in the back of my mind I start going through that feeling of 'one day they are just going to hurt you'... the two people who I would say were really good friends in high school, who never hurt me, are Andrea & Apryl, who are still today my closest friends in the world... the probably only two people in the world, who I honestly believe won't try and hurt me someday... and that's the thing... it's not like I can define a when... I fear that unknown someday when I will be hurt... and in order to avoid this unknow someday... I shut off, or beat myself up to such a point I probably drive them off... and then I've proven myself right... by defeating myself... it's so stupid... to avoid possible future pain by driving myself crazy and hurting myself now... doesn't make much sense does it? Doesn't make sense to me now typing it... but when it's happening, when my mind is going through that process, it makes perfect sense... because I'm not thinking about the hurt I'm causing myself at the moment... even though I know I'm hurting... okay, I'm not sure that this is making sense now anymore... this is where my brain starts running in circles and the connections that were made, start getting snapped and rewired... so I should probably stop now... *L* While I'm not dwelling, and before I start depressing myself... :p
And I seem to have inexplicably run out of things to say in pausing to listen to "My Life"... *heh*... was reading some other people's interpretations on the means to some random songs... some of the songs I was listening to... it's strange sometimes to hear others interpret things, because sometimes you simply derive your own meanings from things, separate from what the artist or others might make of the same things... I suppose that's one of the things that makes people so unique and interesting, is how no one sees things in the same way, everyone has their own unique perspectives... coming from all different kinds of backgrounds, experiences, inner sensations, by which I mean how each's mind works, how different individual's senses work... I still recall when my mom mentioned to me that after she'd gotten my brother his glasses (like pretty much all the men in my family on my father's side, all have bad vision, the women seem to be just fine though *L*)... anyway, he'd mentioned that he'd never noticed the pattern of the roofing on this one building a few blocks from our house, a building we've probably driven past who knows how many times in our lives... we've lived in this house for over 15 years... since my brother was just like 4 (so yeah... that'd be 16, nearly 17 years now... bro turns 21 this year, now that's a whole other scary weird thing... when did my little brother get so old? *L*)... anyway... again getting back to my point, I'm really good at just drifting off on tangents sometimes... especially when I'm journaling just on like a stream of conscienceness sort of level like I am right now... it was weird, to think that for years and years, my brother was seeing the world with this sort of blurry vision, of which I have absolutly no consept of, I've always had pretty good vision, never needed glasses (course if I take after my mom, I'll probably be needed reading glasses once I hit 40ish)... Anyway, now how did this whole perspective thing pop to mind anyway, well I was sitting, last night reading my old online journal, and at one point took a look back at some VERY old journals from high school, and noted a few things one of my teachers said in it to me... for a bit at the end of senior year I was sharing my journal with my creative writing teacher (Mr. Greenwood, you forever rock!)... and he would comment back to me sometimes in the notebook, and it usually made me feel better... some of the entries in it read a lot like some of those here from the last few weeks... some of them were probably even worse... I had a lot of self loathing going on throughout junior high and high school... didn't help that some of my fellow classmates helped reinforce that sense of being a worthless loser... but I won't go into any of that right now... but Greenwood, I believe, had a much lighter outlook on life, and tried to encourage me to do the same through some writings he'd include and just direct encouragements, but I often found it hard to make myself see things that way... I suppose now, and even a bit then, that perhaps my brain just wasn't wired the same way as other peoples... that same year though my high school decided to have this like 'Health awareness' day or something like that, where everyone was forced to go to these seminars on a bunch of topics, we just got to pick which ones... well, I somehow forced myself to go attend the like suicide discussion, and in there actually found several people who seemed to be 'wired' more like me... and there found a friend, who while I've lost touch with her now, and last time I heard from her she was much happier... After high school she got married and has like 2 or 3 kids now... sounds like she's doing well... I however seem to be stuck in much the same gutter rut that I was when I was finishing high school... I will say, I don't think it's as bad as it was in high school... I was just a literal train wreck half the time through much of the 6 years that consisted of 7th thru 12th grades... now, I have my ups and downs... and sometimes, yes, my lows get pretty low... however, in some ways I think I've really been emotionally and mentally scared by the things that happened and the feelings I went through during those 6 years... scarred to a point that I don't think I function like most other people... while I don't doubt that everyone has fears and doubts about approaching new people, and making friends, and going through the changes life tosses at everyone... I somehow think I just don't roll as well as others... there are times when I'm faced with a social setting, and I just literally shut down... to the point where I sometimes wonder if people just think I'm mean, or cold... which I'm not really, it's just a defence mechanisim... when I stopped to think the other day about the people who I called friends throughout junior high and high school, especially the ones who I thought were good friends at the time, it's hard to find one that didn't in some way either use me, backstab me, or just ended up kicking me to the curb when someone 'better' came along... I guess that's why I resist people now, why even when I can tell a lot of myself, I mentally try and keep a distance, and why I'm so slow to believe that someone really is my friend, or really wants to be my friend... because in the back of my mind I start going through that feeling of 'one day they are just going to hurt you'... the two people who I would say were really good friends in high school, who never hurt me, are Andrea & Apryl, who are still today my closest friends in the world... the probably only two people in the world, who I honestly believe won't try and hurt me someday... and that's the thing... it's not like I can define a when... I fear that unknown someday when I will be hurt... and in order to avoid this unknow someday... I shut off, or beat myself up to such a point I probably drive them off... and then I've proven myself right... by defeating myself... it's so stupid... to avoid possible future pain by driving myself crazy and hurting myself now... doesn't make much sense does it? Doesn't make sense to me now typing it... but when it's happening, when my mind is going through that process, it makes perfect sense... because I'm not thinking about the hurt I'm causing myself at the moment... even though I know I'm hurting... okay, I'm not sure that this is making sense now anymore... this is where my brain starts running in circles and the connections that were made, start getting snapped and rewired... so I should probably stop now... *L* While I'm not dwelling, and before I start depressing myself... :p
Friday, March 04, 2005
Rollercoaster
I'm really just riding a rollercoaster this week, it's totally insane. Kind of had a bit of a freak last night... or an episode of mental spinning, a 'sode'... as Jaye refered to it in Wonderfalls... I just kind of got down on myself and at 11pm just signed offline and went to bed in the middle of someone trying to talk me out... it wasn't working, so I ran... again... So, in case she's actually reading this, sorry Sarai, my mind just ceased functioning properly... so now I'm in class, bored as hell at the moment... not a lot to do in an editing class when I don't really get near the editing... really have to get my own... SOON... again by another person was suggested I talk to someone... and check out meds... I just really don't like the idea of pumping myself full of drugs... it's just really frustrating to be in my own head sometimes...
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Annoying misery chick
Yeah, that'd be me... I'd say something here like, if ya'll hadn't guessed, but well, seeing ya'll is no one... it's kind of silly... I know I'm the only one who reads this... which I guess doesn't really bother me, hell I won't even give out the addy to most people cause I don't want to reveal that much to everyone... or anyone... cause while I do somehow manage to censor myself in some ways here, there are others where I really don't... just out here baring my fucking soul to, well, no one... guess it's not that big a deal then eh?
I feel like such a fucking nusance right now... not to mention bloody stupid... I know, I know... fucking letting my head take over, run my fucking life, or my complete lack of one... existance... doesn't always mean living... I do very little actual living... god I'm pathetic... and the subtitle on this thing is so fucking true... 'cause sometimes I just like to talk to my self'... that's all I really do... when I talk to other people i just end up feeling stupid... like I said something dumb... or acted dumb...
I really think I just keep hoping for what I want from life, contentment and a little happiness... neither has been very forthcoming... thinking of giving up on waiting for them... I mean people get by being miserable all the time... I probably can too... didn't someone even say something about life being suffering or something... fun stuff, huh?
I feel like such a fucking nusance right now... not to mention bloody stupid... I know, I know... fucking letting my head take over, run my fucking life, or my complete lack of one... existance... doesn't always mean living... I do very little actual living... god I'm pathetic... and the subtitle on this thing is so fucking true... 'cause sometimes I just like to talk to my self'... that's all I really do... when I talk to other people i just end up feeling stupid... like I said something dumb... or acted dumb...
I really think I just keep hoping for what I want from life, contentment and a little happiness... neither has been very forthcoming... thinking of giving up on waiting for them... I mean people get by being miserable all the time... I probably can too... didn't someone even say something about life being suffering or something... fun stuff, huh?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Totally fucking frustrated now... was having a depressing start to my week, and then it got a little nice mid week, now as we head toward the end, I'm feeling bitchy and pissy, thanks to a little outing I didn't have the fucking backbone to say no to. It was completely fucking lame... but whatever... but really didn't need it an hour before taping for my internship. Course this was for my internship too, and I'm so desperate for hours I didn't think I ought to say no. Plus they made it seem like it was no big thing. Like it was lame I was worried about this. Course at least one of them got snagged on it... anyway... I walked out with the one guy and snagged back my camera and headed for the school. Too little time to be reasonable or worth going home before taping. So now I'm sitting in the library at school trying to cool off, before I have to go see these people again and be mellowed enough to operate a fucking camera... Grrrrrrr!!! Fucking hell dude... this is utter shit. And it's even shittier that now I'm all pissed and bitchy... dude, my moods fucking downshift so fast it's insane... but then I never claimed to be fucking sane...
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Freakin' Weird
Okay, so I'm just in a totally weird mood now... actually feeling good today and just kooky. *L* Feeling all like playful and goofy right now... total flipside of how I was feeling the other day... Not really sure what made today good. I didn't get much sleep (like an hour and half last night) before running off to school to help edit for my internship and then getting trained on the nice new cameras the school has. Then went home, napped for a couple hours, and went to a meeting. Then came home, hopped online, watched Lost... which totally rocked. I was so glad they did an ep centered around Hurley, finally. He's a cool character.
Anyway... not much else to say... should go grab a shower and head for bed, got an exam in the morning. At least it's multiple 'guess'. *L*
Anyway... not much else to say... should go grab a shower and head for bed, got an exam in the morning. At least it's multiple 'guess'. *L*
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Tears...
The tears started welling again... why? No good reason... the person I was talking to online had to brb, and hadn't come back ... don't know how long, but seemed like a while... the silence was starting to become deafening... and then I felt the tears, the sting in the eyes... then I ran... before I could wait for her return, I ran. I signed off one messenger and then the other... I don't know why... it's not doing me any good... the tears are falling... god I hate being so fucking needy, and so fucking fucked up! What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm just a shitty person sometimes... totally incapable of normal human interaction... I'm falling... I just hope I hit bottom soon, so I can make some attempt, no matter how useless at climbing back up again...
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Little lonely...
Weird thing happens sometimes when I spend a day with a lot of time with other people... when my normal solitary existance resumes, and I'm locked away in my house in my room again... I feel lonely... I want to go out more, see more people, hang out, have fun... so then I run online... but no one is talking... probably cause unlike me, other people actually have lives... I just exist... pathetic... anyway... yeah... I'm a loser...
More Questions
Okay these ones I got off Kris' LJ... cause I can't resist a good bunch of questions... It occupies me when bored... :)
What time did you get up this morning? Noonish
Diamonds or pearls? Hmmm, not sure... don't wear much of either ... both can be kinda pretty though... although neither should be too large, or they start to look tacky...
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? National Treasure... cause Sean Bean is fucking HOT!
What is your favorite TV show? Hmm... several of those... current run shows: Lost, The OC, Gilmore Girls are probably tops
What did you have for breakfast? Um... I didn't get up till noon, so technically it was already lunch time
What is your middle name? Hope
What is your favorite cuisine? I'll say Mexican
What foods do you dislike? plenty of things, I'm a tad picky...
What are your favorite Potato chips? Sour Cream & Onion Sun Chips, and they aren't potato
What is your favorite CD at the moment: Ex-Girlfriend by Low Millions & Hotel Paper by Michelle Branch
What kind of car do you drive? Honda Civic
Favorite sandwich? Turkey with mustard, mayo, lettuce, & tomato on a sour or french roll
What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, arrogance
Favorite item of clothing? Hmmm, I love my Happy Bunny stuff. Happy Bunny is so wonderfully pissy.
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Hawaii
What color is your bathroom? White with pink tiles and bloody falling apart... and no, neither I nor anyone in my family picked the pink tiles... house came like that...
Favorite brand of clothing? Um... I don't know, I don't really have a brand...
Where would you retire to? Um... I wouldn't mind just being here... California... There's no place like home :)
Favorite time of day? Um... Night maybe... but really anytime but morning... I'm so not a morning person
What was your most memorable birthday? Um... good memorable or bad? Good I don't know... bad, probably my 20th. It was my first week of work at my first job, and I'd worked all day on my birthday, and at close up time, I hadn't been taught how to open the safe yet, I was relying on the guy who was closing with me to know. But he forgot I guess, he was kind of new too, and honestly, nice but not that bright... and so I wound up there an hour past closing making a half a dozen calls trying to find someone from the store who was home and could talk us through opening the safe. I was not happy that night. I missed getting to have my birthday pizza... which is the only thing I even do anymore for my birthday... if I didn't get pizza it'd be just another day...
Where were you born? California.... what, were you expecting something more specific?
Favorite sport to watch? Football
Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I don't do fizzy
Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl, definatly *she says at 2am*
What is your shoe size? 7
Do you have any pets? 3 cats
Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? Not really, and well, I'm not sure anyone really reads this so... not sure it's really shared with too many people... *L*
What did you want to be when you were little? a gymnast, a camera person (yeah, I know, I apparently should have listened to the 6 year old me), an assortment of other things I can't recall off hand... But can you believe it took me like 17 years to finally realize again something I wanted when I was 6!
What were you meant to be doing today? Nothing... bored...
What book are you currently reading? Um, in the middle of several, none of which I've picked up in like a month or more...
Red or white wine? Not much on alcohol, thus not much of a wine drinker. Although I think of the wines I've tried the couple I've liked best have been Pink... they were fruiter then others...
What is your favorite smell? Um... I don't know... I've always been fond of how the air smells after the first rain... and love the salty smell of the air along the coast.
What time did you get up this morning? Noonish
Diamonds or pearls? Hmmm, not sure... don't wear much of either ... both can be kinda pretty though... although neither should be too large, or they start to look tacky...
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? National Treasure... cause Sean Bean is fucking HOT!
What is your favorite TV show? Hmm... several of those... current run shows: Lost, The OC, Gilmore Girls are probably tops
What did you have for breakfast? Um... I didn't get up till noon, so technically it was already lunch time
What is your middle name? Hope
What is your favorite cuisine? I'll say Mexican
What foods do you dislike? plenty of things, I'm a tad picky...
What are your favorite Potato chips? Sour Cream & Onion Sun Chips, and they aren't potato
What is your favorite CD at the moment: Ex-Girlfriend by Low Millions & Hotel Paper by Michelle Branch
What kind of car do you drive? Honda Civic
Favorite sandwich? Turkey with mustard, mayo, lettuce, & tomato on a sour or french roll
What characteristics do you despise? Dishonesty, arrogance
Favorite item of clothing? Hmmm, I love my Happy Bunny stuff. Happy Bunny is so wonderfully pissy.
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Hawaii
What color is your bathroom? White with pink tiles and bloody falling apart... and no, neither I nor anyone in my family picked the pink tiles... house came like that...
Favorite brand of clothing? Um... I don't know, I don't really have a brand...
Where would you retire to? Um... I wouldn't mind just being here... California... There's no place like home :)
Favorite time of day? Um... Night maybe... but really anytime but morning... I'm so not a morning person
What was your most memorable birthday? Um... good memorable or bad? Good I don't know... bad, probably my 20th. It was my first week of work at my first job, and I'd worked all day on my birthday, and at close up time, I hadn't been taught how to open the safe yet, I was relying on the guy who was closing with me to know. But he forgot I guess, he was kind of new too, and honestly, nice but not that bright... and so I wound up there an hour past closing making a half a dozen calls trying to find someone from the store who was home and could talk us through opening the safe. I was not happy that night. I missed getting to have my birthday pizza... which is the only thing I even do anymore for my birthday... if I didn't get pizza it'd be just another day...
Where were you born? California.... what, were you expecting something more specific?
Favorite sport to watch? Football
Coke or Pepsi? Neither, I don't do fizzy
Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl, definatly *she says at 2am*
What is your shoe size? 7
Do you have any pets? 3 cats
Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? Not really, and well, I'm not sure anyone really reads this so... not sure it's really shared with too many people... *L*
What did you want to be when you were little? a gymnast, a camera person (yeah, I know, I apparently should have listened to the 6 year old me), an assortment of other things I can't recall off hand... But can you believe it took me like 17 years to finally realize again something I wanted when I was 6!
What were you meant to be doing today? Nothing... bored...
What book are you currently reading? Um, in the middle of several, none of which I've picked up in like a month or more...
Red or white wine? Not much on alcohol, thus not much of a wine drinker. Although I think of the wines I've tried the couple I've liked best have been Pink... they were fruiter then others...
What is your favorite smell? Um... I don't know... I've always been fond of how the air smells after the first rain... and love the salty smell of the air along the coast.
Randomness... Boredomness... etc
Okay, so Friday I was out most of the day. Hung out at a friend's house, had class, and then went out that night with another friend and some other people she knew. All in all, a busy and fun day. Then came today... did some errands, came home, and got bored. :p And now, feeling kind of creatively tapped. Was trying to think what to do for chat ep, and just blank... was not cool... Plus I think I've been kind of weird all day... and was sort of chatty online to a few people. I hope I didn't annoy any of them...
Is Boredemness a word... well, it is now... *L* Anyway... not quite sure what else to say... oh, was bored online a few nights ago also, and wound up taking a whole bunch of those little online quizzes that half the universe puts in their Live Journal and Blogger posts, and apparently The Buffy character I'm most like is Tara, and the Angel character I'm most like is Angel. I'm trying to figure out just how Tara and Angel would manage to exist in one body.... *L*
It's funny, one would think that what with this being something online where I can sort of conseal some of my identity I still censor some of the things I say... not for the reason it would help identify me... but just that there are details of myself that I don't even care to reveal annonomously. And yet even in all the self censoring... I've never been able to point anyone I know face to face in life to this journal... only people I know online... Somehow something in all that seems weird... or maybe it simply is easier to bare your thoughts to faceless names than it is to friends who's faces you know very well... Anyway... that was my deep thought of the night... *L*
Is Boredemness a word... well, it is now... *L* Anyway... not quite sure what else to say... oh, was bored online a few nights ago also, and wound up taking a whole bunch of those little online quizzes that half the universe puts in their Live Journal and Blogger posts, and apparently The Buffy character I'm most like is Tara, and the Angel character I'm most like is Angel. I'm trying to figure out just how Tara and Angel would manage to exist in one body.... *L*
It's funny, one would think that what with this being something online where I can sort of conseal some of my identity I still censor some of the things I say... not for the reason it would help identify me... but just that there are details of myself that I don't even care to reveal annonomously. And yet even in all the self censoring... I've never been able to point anyone I know face to face in life to this journal... only people I know online... Somehow something in all that seems weird... or maybe it simply is easier to bare your thoughts to faceless names than it is to friends who's faces you know very well... Anyway... that was my deep thought of the night... *L*
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Trains of Thought...
Had a little moment today... just me, the car, the road, the music, and the setting sun. I guess after several days of dark, dark grey the sun glowing bright oranges and reds as it droped toward the horizon and I drove along the backroad with the music blaring... flipped the CD to the track I was feeling from that sunset. Listening to Maren Ord's "Beautiful". It was a good moment.
Now, I just feel a little tired, and out of it... got home and the good moment died. Got online, did my regularly scheduled chat, and started thinking about people... about how few people actually contact me... be it people I know face to face in RL, or people who I only know online... very few of them actually bother to contact me... I'm always the one to have to message or phone them. It's been like that since forever... since like junior high. And seeing how many real friends I came out of high school with... well, let's say there were only about 2 or 3 people who ever bothered to phone me, and they were the only ones who I kept much contact with following high school. And then one of them ceased calling a few years ago. I of course tried calling her a few more times for about a year without ever getting a hold of her and finally gave up. And she became yet another person whom I lost to the winds of time. Drifted out of my life. And since... the only two people to have not truly drifted away are those same two remaining friends from high school... the two who did, and still bother to call/email/message somehow contact at least occationally. And online there's only 2 or 3 who really contact me first sometimes... otherwise, I'm always the one to message first... I'm not sure what that says about me... but it doesn't always fill me with a lot of confidence. I end up feeling like I'm just bugging those people who never message me when I message them....
Now, I just feel a little tired, and out of it... got home and the good moment died. Got online, did my regularly scheduled chat, and started thinking about people... about how few people actually contact me... be it people I know face to face in RL, or people who I only know online... very few of them actually bother to contact me... I'm always the one to have to message or phone them. It's been like that since forever... since like junior high. And seeing how many real friends I came out of high school with... well, let's say there were only about 2 or 3 people who ever bothered to phone me, and they were the only ones who I kept much contact with following high school. And then one of them ceased calling a few years ago. I of course tried calling her a few more times for about a year without ever getting a hold of her and finally gave up. And she became yet another person whom I lost to the winds of time. Drifted out of my life. And since... the only two people to have not truly drifted away are those same two remaining friends from high school... the two who did, and still bother to call/email/message somehow contact at least occationally. And online there's only 2 or 3 who really contact me first sometimes... otherwise, I'm always the one to message first... I'm not sure what that says about me... but it doesn't always fill me with a lot of confidence. I end up feeling like I'm just bugging those people who never message me when I message them....
Monday, February 21, 2005
Fucked up Twisted Soul
It's funny, I'm somehow still suprised at how good I am at driving myself into a state of mental disaray. It's like totally self defeating. I really am my own worst enemy. I swear I can be in the best of moods, and if some sick, twisted, fucked up, part of my brain wants to make me miserable, it will do it. Although gotta wonder why I'm suprised anymore. My head has been doing this to me for ages... over a decade... like 13 years now... since I was like 12 years old. I manage to have some random thought and it just snowballs, and suddenly I'm digging myself into my own little private hell hole. Once there the self loathing and dispair kick in. Even when I'm talking to someone else who is trying to make me see the good, the hope, I know it's supposed to be there, but somehow no matter what, I'm just stuck there until my mind deems me fit to crawl out of my funk and into the light of day again. Funny how I'm also usually driven to write and record about the misery, but never the joys. I let my joys and happy memories fall to the sands of time, while preserving the pain, the sorrow, the darkness. Bottling it all up nice and neat and labled, so it can follow me around and haunt me forever. And the joys I do recall, usually can be attached to something else more somber. Someone asked me while I was falling into this state, to name one thing I liked about myself. I couldn't do it... the few things that occured to my mind were immediately tagged with a big 'But...' She then rattled off a couple things she thought were good about me. Some of which again I managed to tag with a 'but...' only like two were left without... and I tried to take those in, and tried to accept them... and maybe did a little bit... but it was hard...
Why is it so hard for me to look at myself and see good... like the reflection I get of myself is really distorted if they can actually see me more clearly than I can, or if I'm just so good at locking things away, that I'm aware of things others aren't.
So as I sit again, alone in my little dark place, seeking some kind of light to crawl to... I wonder again... if maybe this is just who I am... if I'm just another fucked up twisted soul...
Why is it so hard for me to look at myself and see good... like the reflection I get of myself is really distorted if they can actually see me more clearly than I can, or if I'm just so good at locking things away, that I'm aware of things others aren't.
So as I sit again, alone in my little dark place, seeking some kind of light to crawl to... I wonder again... if maybe this is just who I am... if I'm just another fucked up twisted soul...
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Looking Back
Okay, feeling all strange now. Just sat and read through every online journal entry I've ever made, going back before this Blog. I used to keep a web site where I'd post journal entries. And it's always a little weird reading back over things you wrote, two, three, four years ago. Also strange was getting a little teary at a few of the entries. The ones where I distinctly recall crying while I was writing them, or nearly. I'm now trying to figure out if it was simply because the entries are just that sad, and emotionally rought, or if it's because looking back at entries, some made as far back as 2001 & 2002, that in some very big ways, I'm really still stuck in the same spot. Yeah sure, I've finally found a major I like and should graduate from this May. But aside from the schooling, and the fact that at that time I was still employed in a Photo lab, and was attending and just finishing at the Junior college. Other then the school path being more steady and focused, my life hasn't changed that much. I still have some good days, but also still hit some days where I'm ready to just sink into a hole, and for some of the same reasons, or lacking reasons as before. I hate feeling shitty for no reason, totally sucks. I'm not really feeling shitty right now... but not feeling as good as I was earlier. Yeah I think I depressed myself. *Good work there Meg.* *rolls eyes*.... Anyway...
That all said, already forseeing stressouts and manicness later in the semester... here's to hoping I get through it... with at least a shread of sanity left.
That all said, already forseeing stressouts and manicness later in the semester... here's to hoping I get through it... with at least a shread of sanity left.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Questions
Snagged these questions off the blog or lj of someone random. Was crusining Blogs and LJs and found these questions... :p
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Probably a hot picture of Sean Bean :)
Last time you swam in a pool?
Oh god... I have no bloody idea... probably like 1997
Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope, but I went to a lot of them. Senior year in high school I like became the Drama Booster, I turned up at like every showing of every play, and wound up invited along with one of the actors to cast partys of two of the plays.
Type of music you dislike most?
Hmm... maybe polka *L*... not really into the whole hip-hop/rap about bling bling kind of shit either.
Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Nope
Ever prank call anybody?
Nope
Do you have a garden?
Nope
What's your favorite comic strip?
Don't read the comics much, but Garfield is usually pretty funny
Bath or shower, morning or night?
Shower, night
Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Hmm... just rented The Notebook, that was pretty good, but so was Mr 3000 *L*... what else have I seen lately? Not sure when I rented it, but Garden State rocked.
Where were your parents born?
Chicago & New York
Favorite pizza topping?
pineapple
Chips or popcorn?
chips
What color lipstick do you usually wear?
none, if I've got anything on my lips it's aloe chapstick
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No, but I did burn a peanut once in like 8th grade science class *L* Was pretty cool.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Hell no.
Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Um... I have no idea...
Favorite type chocolate bar?
I like Mounds, that's the one with the coconut covered in dark chocolate.
Are you a good cook?
eh... I mostly cook out of boxes... but I bake pretty well
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Hmmm... well, generally I feel I'd be happy just with enough money to be comfortable... however, I'm also not much of a believer in true love... so I guess in the case of having to pick one, I'd go for the cash... at least I'd know where the money goes.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No... lust at first sight yes, love no.
Can exs be friends?
Well, not having any personal experience with this, hard to say, but I know a few people who were able to be friends with their exs, so I guess, sure it can happen.
What was the name of your first pet?
Lulu
What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Probably a hot picture of Sean Bean :)
Last time you swam in a pool?
Oh god... I have no bloody idea... probably like 1997
Have you ever been in a school play?
Nope, but I went to a lot of them. Senior year in high school I like became the Drama Booster, I turned up at like every showing of every play, and wound up invited along with one of the actors to cast partys of two of the plays.
Type of music you dislike most?
Hmm... maybe polka *L*... not really into the whole hip-hop/rap about bling bling kind of shit either.
Have you ever ridden on a moped?
Nope
Ever prank call anybody?
Nope
Do you have a garden?
Nope
What's your favorite comic strip?
Don't read the comics much, but Garfield is usually pretty funny
Bath or shower, morning or night?
Shower, night
Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Hmm... just rented The Notebook, that was pretty good, but so was Mr 3000 *L*... what else have I seen lately? Not sure when I rented it, but Garden State rocked.
Where were your parents born?
Chicago & New York
Favorite pizza topping?
pineapple
Chips or popcorn?
chips
What color lipstick do you usually wear?
none, if I've got anything on my lips it's aloe chapstick
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
No, but I did burn a peanut once in like 8th grade science class *L* Was pretty cool.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Hell no.
Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
Um... I have no idea...
Favorite type chocolate bar?
I like Mounds, that's the one with the coconut covered in dark chocolate.
Are you a good cook?
eh... I mostly cook out of boxes... but I bake pretty well
Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
Hmmm... well, generally I feel I'd be happy just with enough money to be comfortable... however, I'm also not much of a believer in true love... so I guess in the case of having to pick one, I'd go for the cash... at least I'd know where the money goes.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
No... lust at first sight yes, love no.
Can exs be friends?
Well, not having any personal experience with this, hard to say, but I know a few people who were able to be friends with their exs, so I guess, sure it can happen.
What was the name of your first pet?
Lulu
Monday, February 14, 2005
Hazard to Myself?
Okay so I've got this 30 day trial thing on my comp for some like character generator thingy... so just for the hell of it I tried putting in info that seemed like me. And it gives these diff 'types' to pick from (9 of them) and then sub types (2 of each). And then it generates some info in different areas based on that, which you can choose to use or just answer question prompts. Anyway, apparently after trying 3 diff main types, one with both it's subtypes... It apparently thinks I'm a pretty fucked up character. *heh*
First I 'typed' myself as a Type 4 (The Bohemian, the self indugling & blaming artist) Introverted. This prompted the system to suggest as a character type (due to my selecting that I had bad mental health rating, which is probably true... my brain's a little on the fucked up side.)... Anyway, it came up with character statments and descriptions like this:
-She has a kind of soullessness.
-This sub-type is capable of murder without emotional attachment.
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that there's an ideal love or circumstance that, when found, will make her feel loved and complete. (this described me to a tee in junior high and high school.)
-As an adult, she may have given up trying to find her identity and seems to be okay with it. But, she is not. Internally, she is under unbelievable pressure to resolve this situation, making her lash out at a representative of whoever (or whatever) caused the internal pain in the first place. She could make a particularly cold-blooded killer. (I don't think I've quite given up on finding my identity, however at 25, one starts to wonder what kind of headway I'm really making)
-At work, This character is creative and unique but can quickly become moody and self-involved if her ideas meet resistance. When moody, she can become extremely inefficient, attending to her emotional life instead of work tasks. She’s attracted to emotionally intense jobs. (If I'm really honest, this part does have some real truth to it)
-This character is introverted, which makes speech rare and seemingly unimportant. She is good with her hands, but not so with words. She will, however, be very curious about the world and how it works. She's skillful, able to focus on smaller things for comfort, to keep her mind off the internal pain. When alone, she may become preoccupied with death and loss. (Again, there's some truth in here somewhere)
-Other characters may be drawn to her dark creativity, but later feel that she drives away anyone who truly wants to get close or help her. She becomes emotionally withdrawn, feeling emotionally overloaded and different from others. (Again, can't help but see some truth here)
Next I looked at a Type 9 (The Diplomat - Repressed & dilusional doormat) both cerebral & physical subtypes:
Cerebral
-This character has always seemed like a calm, relaxed, together person, but all this time there's been a battle behind those eyes to keep two opposing identities in balance. Because of increased tension in the environment, she has retreated inside, letting go of the fight for sanity.
-As a result, she has become sedentary and detached, able only to focus on the unimportant details, ignoring anything that seems even vaguely disturbing, becoming apathetic and unassertive. At this level, she is likely to suddenly act out violently against those people or systems she feels are causing this added tension to the environment, then slip calmly back into her own mind without any effect. (there is some troubling truth buried in this one)
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that it's okay to put aside personal goals and priorities in order to have comfort. She avoids conflict and discomfort to a fault. (I hate conflicts, I try and keep from making waves with others to such a point sometimes that I end up walking away loathing myself and everyone else.)
-When she's under pressure, she gets bogged down in skepticism and doubt. When she's relaxed and secure, she becomes efficient and ready for action. (Yeah I'm all over the map, completely determined by my mood.)
-At work, This character is easy going, apathetic and over accommodating. Looking to preserve her peace of mind, she tends to put off or ignore difficult tasks to handle the easier less stressful tasks. She also ignores her own needs to go along with the team. She’s attracted to stress-free jobs. (I somehow see a conflict in the job this and the prior type look for, yet somehow both seem to apply to me.)
-She will attack on a verbal basis anyone who comes into her visual scope. To a stranger: "You're an idiot!" Eventually, speech will decay into complete silence, possibly shattered with sudden ranting or attacking. She completely shuts out anyone who brings up difficult issues or offers her help. "Why are you here?! Get out!" (while not all true, there are pieces of truth in this bit)
Physical
-This loss of inner control is caused by either a situation that has overwhelmed her or a final weakening in her strength to fight. She is desperate not to let anything else come into her world that will set her off - she's struggling to hold onto sanity. This subtype is likely to look to physical activities that she trusts to keep her sane, living in her own world, denying to everyone that anything is wrong. If anything does make it through to her, she will act out against it in a very physical way, becoming physically abusive without any forethought or warning. She can be particularly dangerous since she always seemed so calm. Other characters don't see it coming.
-This character is desperate to keep a calm, normal exterior. "Nice weather we're having." While having a detached, distracted or possibly violent, demeanor. The result is what would seem like classic psychosis.
And then finally tried Type 6 (The Ally - clingy & indecisive dependent) introverted. This was the last type that seemed to have some applicable elements of my personality, and this is what it generated as a result:
-This character has never trusted her own decisions, relying on others to make the decisions for her, associating with an authority figure or belief system. (there is some truth to this, I have a tendancy to feel the need to 'consult others' before making choices)
-This character is more manic than paranoid
-She can become hysterical if she feels she's ruined her security. This sub-type is less people oriented, taking a more detached approach to what she feels needs to be done to keep things stable, becoming sociopathic, destructive, even possibly murderous.
-This character's character flaw is based on the lack of faith in herself, others and the world. She's driven by the fear that she won't be able to handle all the dangers present in the universe. (This bit has some definte truth in it)
-Others are drawn to her loyalty, but can later be hurt when her anticipation of problems extends to the relationship. She questions others' intentions, wanting to know what is behind their behavior - eventually feeling paranoid, that others are out to get her. (I didn't like to admit it, but i've realized I am VERY paranoid. The only people who I really don't think are potentially going to hurt me, are my mom, bro, and my two close friends whom I've known for like 10+ years now. And seem to be constantly reminded why I don't trust people, cause it seems like everyone else eventually does betray me in some way or another.)
What I find most disturbing is that there are very definate things in all of these types and descriptions that have a lot of truth to them. But there are things like the referances to murder potential and psychosis that don't seem like me at all... but that they also seem to slide in next to the other stuff that is me so well. Just a little weird and freaky. Kind of felt like when you look in one of those fun house mirrors... it's me, but not me. Anyway, was board and thought I'd share that this character generation program apparently thinks I'm psychotic. *heh*
Note: This post made me think of that song by Pink "Don't let me get me". Hence the title of the post.
First I 'typed' myself as a Type 4 (The Bohemian, the self indugling & blaming artist) Introverted. This prompted the system to suggest as a character type (due to my selecting that I had bad mental health rating, which is probably true... my brain's a little on the fucked up side.)... Anyway, it came up with character statments and descriptions like this:
-She has a kind of soullessness.
-This sub-type is capable of murder without emotional attachment.
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that there's an ideal love or circumstance that, when found, will make her feel loved and complete. (this described me to a tee in junior high and high school.)
-As an adult, she may have given up trying to find her identity and seems to be okay with it. But, she is not. Internally, she is under unbelievable pressure to resolve this situation, making her lash out at a representative of whoever (or whatever) caused the internal pain in the first place. She could make a particularly cold-blooded killer. (I don't think I've quite given up on finding my identity, however at 25, one starts to wonder what kind of headway I'm really making)
-At work, This character is creative and unique but can quickly become moody and self-involved if her ideas meet resistance. When moody, she can become extremely inefficient, attending to her emotional life instead of work tasks. She’s attracted to emotionally intense jobs. (If I'm really honest, this part does have some real truth to it)
-This character is introverted, which makes speech rare and seemingly unimportant. She is good with her hands, but not so with words. She will, however, be very curious about the world and how it works. She's skillful, able to focus on smaller things for comfort, to keep her mind off the internal pain. When alone, she may become preoccupied with death and loss. (Again, there's some truth in here somewhere)
-Other characters may be drawn to her dark creativity, but later feel that she drives away anyone who truly wants to get close or help her. She becomes emotionally withdrawn, feeling emotionally overloaded and different from others. (Again, can't help but see some truth here)
Next I looked at a Type 9 (The Diplomat - Repressed & dilusional doormat) both cerebral & physical subtypes:
Cerebral
-This character has always seemed like a calm, relaxed, together person, but all this time there's been a battle behind those eyes to keep two opposing identities in balance. Because of increased tension in the environment, she has retreated inside, letting go of the fight for sanity.
-As a result, she has become sedentary and detached, able only to focus on the unimportant details, ignoring anything that seems even vaguely disturbing, becoming apathetic and unassertive. At this level, she is likely to suddenly act out violently against those people or systems she feels are causing this added tension to the environment, then slip calmly back into her own mind without any effect. (there is some troubling truth buried in this one)
-This character's character flaw is based on the incorrect belief that it's okay to put aside personal goals and priorities in order to have comfort. She avoids conflict and discomfort to a fault. (I hate conflicts, I try and keep from making waves with others to such a point sometimes that I end up walking away loathing myself and everyone else.)
-When she's under pressure, she gets bogged down in skepticism and doubt. When she's relaxed and secure, she becomes efficient and ready for action. (Yeah I'm all over the map, completely determined by my mood.)
-At work, This character is easy going, apathetic and over accommodating. Looking to preserve her peace of mind, she tends to put off or ignore difficult tasks to handle the easier less stressful tasks. She also ignores her own needs to go along with the team. She’s attracted to stress-free jobs. (I somehow see a conflict in the job this and the prior type look for, yet somehow both seem to apply to me.)
-She will attack on a verbal basis anyone who comes into her visual scope. To a stranger: "You're an idiot!" Eventually, speech will decay into complete silence, possibly shattered with sudden ranting or attacking. She completely shuts out anyone who brings up difficult issues or offers her help. "Why are you here?! Get out!" (while not all true, there are pieces of truth in this bit)
Physical
-This loss of inner control is caused by either a situation that has overwhelmed her or a final weakening in her strength to fight. She is desperate not to let anything else come into her world that will set her off - she's struggling to hold onto sanity. This subtype is likely to look to physical activities that she trusts to keep her sane, living in her own world, denying to everyone that anything is wrong. If anything does make it through to her, she will act out against it in a very physical way, becoming physically abusive without any forethought or warning. She can be particularly dangerous since she always seemed so calm. Other characters don't see it coming.
-This character is desperate to keep a calm, normal exterior. "Nice weather we're having." While having a detached, distracted or possibly violent, demeanor. The result is what would seem like classic psychosis.
And then finally tried Type 6 (The Ally - clingy & indecisive dependent) introverted. This was the last type that seemed to have some applicable elements of my personality, and this is what it generated as a result:
-This character has never trusted her own decisions, relying on others to make the decisions for her, associating with an authority figure or belief system. (there is some truth to this, I have a tendancy to feel the need to 'consult others' before making choices)
-This character is more manic than paranoid
-She can become hysterical if she feels she's ruined her security. This sub-type is less people oriented, taking a more detached approach to what she feels needs to be done to keep things stable, becoming sociopathic, destructive, even possibly murderous.
-This character's character flaw is based on the lack of faith in herself, others and the world. She's driven by the fear that she won't be able to handle all the dangers present in the universe. (This bit has some definte truth in it)
-Others are drawn to her loyalty, but can later be hurt when her anticipation of problems extends to the relationship. She questions others' intentions, wanting to know what is behind their behavior - eventually feeling paranoid, that others are out to get her. (I didn't like to admit it, but i've realized I am VERY paranoid. The only people who I really don't think are potentially going to hurt me, are my mom, bro, and my two close friends whom I've known for like 10+ years now. And seem to be constantly reminded why I don't trust people, cause it seems like everyone else eventually does betray me in some way or another.)
What I find most disturbing is that there are very definate things in all of these types and descriptions that have a lot of truth to them. But there are things like the referances to murder potential and psychosis that don't seem like me at all... but that they also seem to slide in next to the other stuff that is me so well. Just a little weird and freaky. Kind of felt like when you look in one of those fun house mirrors... it's me, but not me. Anyway, was board and thought I'd share that this character generation program apparently thinks I'm psychotic. *heh*
Note: This post made me think of that song by Pink "Don't let me get me". Hence the title of the post.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Boys on the Brain... Again
Okay see my drabble from this same day and approximate time. Yeah, I seem to be attracted to practically every male I lay eyes on lately. One of those phases it would seem. Happens from time to time. I get distracted by the guys in class, can't help but glance at them a little more often then usual. The duration of this feeling seems to vary some, though usually doesn't last more than a couple weeks... I don't think... but it's always a weird week or too, in which my brain tends to be out to lunch a little too often. *LOL*
I've been on overdrive in terms of viewing movies with a small group of attractive males... (LOTR males)... particularly Sean Bean and Karl Urban. But also the very hot movie "Better Than Sex" with the very hot David Wenham and I finally rented "Wimbledon". It was cute and funny, Kirsten Dunst is always good. Never really seen Paul Bettany but he was good, and kinda cute. But it was his father in the film who really got me going... another LOTRer Bernard Hill. Damn hot he is for an older dude. *L* And he was damn adorable in this movie. This whole celeb overdrive thing has been happening since the new year... however it's just been since like mid week this week that I'm suddenly kind of lusting over like every other guy at school. Damn hormones.
I've been on overdrive in terms of viewing movies with a small group of attractive males... (LOTR males)... particularly Sean Bean and Karl Urban. But also the very hot movie "Better Than Sex" with the very hot David Wenham and I finally rented "Wimbledon". It was cute and funny, Kirsten Dunst is always good. Never really seen Paul Bettany but he was good, and kinda cute. But it was his father in the film who really got me going... another LOTRer Bernard Hill. Damn hot he is for an older dude. *L* And he was damn adorable in this movie. This whole celeb overdrive thing has been happening since the new year... however it's just been since like mid week this week that I'm suddenly kind of lusting over like every other guy at school. Damn hormones.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Ever tried disconnecting the brain?
Most of the day was okay, but as the afternoon wore on and I was stuck in a small editing room with 3 other people, and the video we were editing and THEY decided to put music to became further and further removed from anything I had any creative input in, I cared less, and became more fustrated, as I had plenty of shit that needed doing at home. However I couldn't up an leave since it was my camera that was being used for DV transfer... All I ate up to the point I finally left school at like near 4pm, since 8am that morning when I got up and headed off to school, was a box of Junior Mints and an apple fritter... yeah, not really food to fuel the body, more just a sugar rush... which as it turns out can act like too much caffinee when that's all you've eaten... I found heading home that I felt a tad twitchy, shakey, and off kilter... that plus the mood I was in, also lent to my state of feeling sort of like someone had taken a pair of clippers and snipped the wires from my brain to the rest of my body... I felt very mentally disconnected... it was a little odd, and not a very good state of being to try and drive a car in. It was somewhat disorienting, and mentally disturbing.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Do Chickens Still Run with No Heads?
Yes, school + errands + internship = my ass getting kicked. I swear I'm so beat. Can't even stay up for my chat tonight. Just on here for five minutes while I check on my email and post a note about no chats. Been falling asleep before midnight like all week, and waking by like 8am, and then spending the whole day that comes inbetween 8am and midnight running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Course I don't know how acurate the saying is, but it's a saying, so I'm using it. Not sure that chickens still run without heads, what with the lack of brain impulses to make it run on account of the head being cut off... anyway... I think I just ate up the little bit of brain power I had stored up on that chicken thought... so I think I hear my pillow calling... just not literally... not like the wax lion in Wonderfalls... (Kick ass show, just bought it on DVD, not had much chance to watch it all, but well, it does.)
Okay... Goodnight
Okay... Goodnight
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Wednesday = Insanity
Well, I've already missed my first day in my 'daily drabble', but well, Wed I just didn't get anywhere near my computer. The day was, bloody, fucking insane. I think I was barely at home awake for more than 4 total hours. Hardly had time to think, much less write any thoughts down. *L*
I'm hopeing most Wednesdays won't be so insane, since Tues and Thurs will be. Anyway... just had to get that out... :P
I'm hopeing most Wednesdays won't be so insane, since Tues and Thurs will be. Anyway... just had to get that out... :P
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
A Warm Winter Day
Well, it's Febuary 1 and it's the middle of winter, and it's 75 Degrees outside. I went to school with a sweatshirt and coat and wound up taking them both off down to my t-shirt which turned out to be the perfect clothing for today. Looks like by the weekend it'll cool down some, but it's still strange. Just yesterday morning I was scraping ice off my car at 8:30 in the morning. This morning at just a little later about 8:50, the car looked all cozy and totally ice and moisture free. Drove home with the windows open. It was a really nice day. Fairly clear, nice and comfortable, not hot, not cold. Warm sun, cool air.
Tuesdays and Thursdays really are going to be busy, busy days. To and from campus twice a day, class & internship, and my brother has class that day too, so inbetween my two trips to school, I have to drop him off at his school. Hopefully I'll have some fun and learn a lot at my internship, and it won't make me nuts. *L*
Tuesdays and Thursdays really are going to be busy, busy days. To and from campus twice a day, class & internship, and my brother has class that day too, so inbetween my two trips to school, I have to drop him off at his school. Hopefully I'll have some fun and learn a lot at my internship, and it won't make me nuts. *L*
Monday, January 31, 2005
Daily Drabble
Just a split decision... was hanging about on this Sean Bean message board that I like to lurk about on now, and have been reading people's 'Drabbles'. A drabble being a piece of writing that is exactly 100 words in length. I'd never been exposed to drabbles before or tried to write one. Thus, I'm trying something new. I'm in need of something to give my creativity a good swift kick in the ass, so I'm giving it a go, and going to make a real attempt to write and post regular drabbles of whatever sort I feel like there. May not be every day, but hoping close enough that I don't feel I have to change the title *LOL*... and perhaps will result in more posting here. Was actually pretty good about keeping this blog up until finals started kicking my ass.
Totally love this movie, "Better Than Sex", it's an Aussie film, with David Wenham. He's very cute in it, and the story, while predictable is sweet, cute, and fun. Plus, David is rather naked through much of it, and well, he looks really fucking HOT. Very nice ass. :) Have also been watching season 4 of Coupling all weekend long since I bought it Friday. I do miss Jeff a little, but Oliver is totally cute and funny in his own way, and everyone else is wonderful as ever. Still one of the funniest shows I've ever bloody seen.
Side note: Gotta figure out what's up with the time component on this thing...
Totally love this movie, "Better Than Sex", it's an Aussie film, with David Wenham. He's very cute in it, and the story, while predictable is sweet, cute, and fun. Plus, David is rather naked through much of it, and well, he looks really fucking HOT. Very nice ass. :) Have also been watching season 4 of Coupling all weekend long since I bought it Friday. I do miss Jeff a little, but Oliver is totally cute and funny in his own way, and everyone else is wonderful as ever. Still one of the funniest shows I've ever bloody seen.
Side note: Gotta figure out what's up with the time component on this thing...
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Long Time Gone...
As it usually happens... I've neglected posting here for some time. Why? Don't know, just haven't. Been musing on writing a LOTR fan fic, also trying to think of something worth writing for a script for a short film that I can produce, direct, shoot, and edit this coming semester for class. This winter break from school has been both lazy and insane. Just kind of all kinds of crap happening... but whatever... Getting over it and rolling along.
Classes start again next week, not really bothered about having to go back, other than I still don't have a script, and I'd hoped to write one before school started, but have been kind of stalled for good ideas. Plus I know shit about anything, so...
Classes start again next week, not really bothered about having to go back, other than I still don't have a script, and I'd hoped to write one before school started, but have been kind of stalled for good ideas. Plus I know shit about anything, so...
Monday, December 06, 2004
Post Week from Hell
Well, week from hell is over. Not to say I'm done, I still have shitloads of editing to do for two classes, a take home exam and a short presentation, but I hope the worst is over. Tonight I'm going to see The Calling!!! I'm so excited, I can't believe I actually got the tickets from that radio call in. I didn't think I'd get through. Really not sure how I did on that stupid writing exam saturday, but hopefully I won't have to take it again in Feb, but I'm not banking on it. It just seems so lame to have to do.
Have recently been in a fanfic/fanart mode with the chats. Mostly been just feeling the need to write or create something. This semester have been a little stagnent in terms of creativity.
Have recently been in a fanfic/fanart mode with the chats. Mostly been just feeling the need to write or create something. This semester have been a little stagnent in terms of creativity.
Monday, November 29, 2004
And so comes the week from HELL
So like everything is due this week, well not everything, but a lot is due this week, plus this week is scheduleing for next semester as well as that dumb ass exam I have to pass in order to graduate... freaking like 2 or 3 hour writing exam that I have to take at fucking 8:30 in the morning on Saturday. Got two presentations, a group paper, and a rough cut of my documentary due this week... and I need to find an internship, like, soon...
And what exactly am I doing this Sunday night before this week from hell, I'm online searching for pictures, just for fun. Because I can't manage to do anything unless it's due tomorrow... even when it's due in two days...
I just hope I still have my sanity at the end of the week...
And what exactly am I doing this Sunday night before this week from hell, I'm online searching for pictures, just for fun. Because I can't manage to do anything unless it's due tomorrow... even when it's due in two days...
I just hope I still have my sanity at the end of the week...
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Bleh...
It's 3am and I'm just kinda out of it now... not like bad out of it, although apparently mirc had it out for my chat groups tonight :p...
Got an email back from my Media Law teacher on the short essay I had to do from being in the jury of the Mock trial we did in class this week, he gave me an 'A' and said my paper was insightful, and well written, so that made me happy. Got so much stuff still to do in the next 3 weeks for classes... it's crazy... and now my brain's on auto pilot for the night... hence the out of it ness that's set in. My mom seems to be getting a cold, so think I will head off to bed shortly and sleep, so as to try and keep from catching anything. Last thing I need is to get sick during these last few weeks of classes before Winter break.
Gotta call it winter break, since we're not doing x-mas anymore... there's really no reason to, it's a religious holiday for a religion we don't believe in... so... best thing about x-mas is the lights anyway, I can do without all the rest of the bullshit that comes along with the holidays.
Got an email back from my Media Law teacher on the short essay I had to do from being in the jury of the Mock trial we did in class this week, he gave me an 'A' and said my paper was insightful, and well written, so that made me happy. Got so much stuff still to do in the next 3 weeks for classes... it's crazy... and now my brain's on auto pilot for the night... hence the out of it ness that's set in. My mom seems to be getting a cold, so think I will head off to bed shortly and sleep, so as to try and keep from catching anything. Last thing I need is to get sick during these last few weeks of classes before Winter break.
Gotta call it winter break, since we're not doing x-mas anymore... there's really no reason to, it's a religious holiday for a religion we don't believe in... so... best thing about x-mas is the lights anyway, I can do without all the rest of the bullshit that comes along with the holidays.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Another Survey thingy
1. What's your full name?
Meg (what, you don't believe that's my full name? *heh*)
2.What pants are you wearing?
Black track suit style pants
3. What are you listening to right now?
Garfield the movie
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number?
Um... I forgot?? (what? it could happen, how often does anyone really call their own home anyway?) :P
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Um... dried cranberries
6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Blue, probably specifically like a midnight blue, I'm a very blue kind of person
7. Where do you plan to go/or did you go on your honeymoon?
Not really planning on marrying, ever, so therefore no honeymoon, but I wouldn't mind a vacation for no reason to Hawaii.
8. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Uhhh.... not sure, probably some dumb ass sales recording that I hung up on. But last person I recall actually speaking to, probably my friend Andrea, she's the only person who ever calls me really, or who I call for that matter. My friend Apryl now lives too far away for frequent phone calling.
9. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Probably face and then body...
10. Do you like the person that sent you this?
Yes, got it in an email, actually some months ago from the afore mentioned far away friend Apryl. Email is easier & cheeper then the phone now, what with her in England and me in California.
11. what is your favoutrite drink?
Orange Juice
12. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Not much of a drinker, can't really seem to aquire a taste for alcohol.
13. Favourite sport to play?
I did gymnastics as a kid which was tons of fun, but haven't done that for ages now. So not really doing any sports anymore, trying to get active again though by taking a yoga class.
14. Favourite sport to watch?
American Football, no question... but I like a lot of sports, basketball, Olympics, etc...
15. What's the next CD you're going to get?
Not sure, but I think I heard there's a new Vanessa Carlton CD coming out soon.
16. Did you ever wear braces?
No, an orthodontist told me I needed them about 7 years ago, but I was already in college then, and like hell I was gonna get them then. Plus they cost a bloody fortune, that I don't have, and I didn't think my teeth looked that fucked up, I think the guy was just trying to make a buck off my teeth.
Question 17 is apparently missing from the survey sent to me by my friend.
18. Siblings and their ages:
Brother, 20
19. Favourite food :
maybe pizza, with mushrooms and extra pineapple
20. Last movie you watched?
Watching Garfield the movie now... kinda cute, but only half paying attention.
21. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Are you kidding me? I'm too fucking shy to even say hi to a classmate, like I could ever ask anyone out.
22. Favourite place to go on a date?
I don't date
23. Do you like scary or happy movies better?
Eh, whatever... I watch a lot of movies, depends on my mood
24. Summer or winter?
I think I still say summer, but not as adamently as I used to... all the seasons have their place and good points.
25. Hugs or kisses?
Um, I'm just gonna assume we're talking about those chocolate things Hershey's makes, in which case, I like the original pure milk chocolate Kisses
26. Relationship or one night stands?
Neither... and no, I won't elaborate on that ...
27. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla I guess... but Strawberry is even better
28. Who is most likely to respond?
Well, seeing as this isn't an email anymore, and I'm not sending it to anyone, and even if it where, I'm sure I'm the one on the end of the chain (ie no one to respond as the only person to send it to is the person who sent it to me)... so, no one...
29. Who is least likely to respond?
Not relivant, see above
30. What books are you reading?
There's a few of them... I have odd reading habits...
31. What's on your mouse pad?
It's not actually a mouse pad, it's an old day planner from 2002-2003 with a turtle on the cover.
32. Favourite magazine?
Probably Maxim, it's funnier then those chick magazines that are always about how to make yourself over
33. Favourite garden smell?
I don't know, I don't really go around smelling gardens...
34. Least favourite smell?
either that kind of bad BO that fills a whole room, or that kind of obsene perfume that fills up a room...
35. Worst feeling in the world?
loneliness
36. How many rings before you answer the door?
as many as possible... I generally hope if I just wait it out, they'll go the fuck away. I think I need to get a sign that indicates that if you don't know the occupants personally, or are delivering mail, you should piss off.
37. Future children's names?
Well, not really thinking I'll be having any kids... not sure I won't change my own name some day, but to go through all those names here would be too much...
38. Glass half empty or half full?
usually half empty... occationally I get a half full day... but right now, I'm having an almost empty kind of month, so...
39. Favourite movie(s)?
There's just too many to get into right now...
40. What's under your bed?
Storage bins, with magazines, and other random shit that I won't get rid of...
41. What is your favourite number?
10
42. One nice thing about the person that sent this:
Apryl, well, she's like my best friend. She's nice, fun, smart, cool to hang out with and talk with.
43. Favourite current TV shows?
Um... Lost is pretty cool. I also make a point of watching Gilmore Girls & Boston Legal.
Meg (what, you don't believe that's my full name? *heh*)
2.What pants are you wearing?
Black track suit style pants
3. What are you listening to right now?
Garfield the movie
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number?
Um... I forgot?? (what? it could happen, how often does anyone really call their own home anyway?) :P
5. What was the last thing you ate?
Um... dried cranberries
6. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Blue, probably specifically like a midnight blue, I'm a very blue kind of person
7. Where do you plan to go/or did you go on your honeymoon?
Not really planning on marrying, ever, so therefore no honeymoon, but I wouldn't mind a vacation for no reason to Hawaii.
8. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Uhhh.... not sure, probably some dumb ass sales recording that I hung up on. But last person I recall actually speaking to, probably my friend Andrea, she's the only person who ever calls me really, or who I call for that matter. My friend Apryl now lives too far away for frequent phone calling.
9. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Probably face and then body...
10. Do you like the person that sent you this?
Yes, got it in an email, actually some months ago from the afore mentioned far away friend Apryl. Email is easier & cheeper then the phone now, what with her in England and me in California.
11. what is your favoutrite drink?
Orange Juice
12. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Not much of a drinker, can't really seem to aquire a taste for alcohol.
13. Favourite sport to play?
I did gymnastics as a kid which was tons of fun, but haven't done that for ages now. So not really doing any sports anymore, trying to get active again though by taking a yoga class.
14. Favourite sport to watch?
American Football, no question... but I like a lot of sports, basketball, Olympics, etc...
15. What's the next CD you're going to get?
Not sure, but I think I heard there's a new Vanessa Carlton CD coming out soon.
16. Did you ever wear braces?
No, an orthodontist told me I needed them about 7 years ago, but I was already in college then, and like hell I was gonna get them then. Plus they cost a bloody fortune, that I don't have, and I didn't think my teeth looked that fucked up, I think the guy was just trying to make a buck off my teeth.
Question 17 is apparently missing from the survey sent to me by my friend.
18. Siblings and their ages:
Brother, 20
19. Favourite food :
maybe pizza, with mushrooms and extra pineapple
20. Last movie you watched?
Watching Garfield the movie now... kinda cute, but only half paying attention.
21. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Are you kidding me? I'm too fucking shy to even say hi to a classmate, like I could ever ask anyone out.
22. Favourite place to go on a date?
I don't date
23. Do you like scary or happy movies better?
Eh, whatever... I watch a lot of movies, depends on my mood
24. Summer or winter?
I think I still say summer, but not as adamently as I used to... all the seasons have their place and good points.
25. Hugs or kisses?
Um, I'm just gonna assume we're talking about those chocolate things Hershey's makes, in which case, I like the original pure milk chocolate Kisses
26. Relationship or one night stands?
Neither... and no, I won't elaborate on that ...
27. Chocolate or vanilla?
Vanilla I guess... but Strawberry is even better
28. Who is most likely to respond?
Well, seeing as this isn't an email anymore, and I'm not sending it to anyone, and even if it where, I'm sure I'm the one on the end of the chain (ie no one to respond as the only person to send it to is the person who sent it to me)... so, no one...
29. Who is least likely to respond?
Not relivant, see above
30. What books are you reading?
There's a few of them... I have odd reading habits...
31. What's on your mouse pad?
It's not actually a mouse pad, it's an old day planner from 2002-2003 with a turtle on the cover.
32. Favourite magazine?
Probably Maxim, it's funnier then those chick magazines that are always about how to make yourself over
33. Favourite garden smell?
I don't know, I don't really go around smelling gardens...
34. Least favourite smell?
either that kind of bad BO that fills a whole room, or that kind of obsene perfume that fills up a room...
35. Worst feeling in the world?
loneliness
36. How many rings before you answer the door?
as many as possible... I generally hope if I just wait it out, they'll go the fuck away. I think I need to get a sign that indicates that if you don't know the occupants personally, or are delivering mail, you should piss off.
37. Future children's names?
Well, not really thinking I'll be having any kids... not sure I won't change my own name some day, but to go through all those names here would be too much...
38. Glass half empty or half full?
usually half empty... occationally I get a half full day... but right now, I'm having an almost empty kind of month, so...
39. Favourite movie(s)?
There's just too many to get into right now...
40. What's under your bed?
Storage bins, with magazines, and other random shit that I won't get rid of...
41. What is your favourite number?
10
42. One nice thing about the person that sent this:
Apryl, well, she's like my best friend. She's nice, fun, smart, cool to hang out with and talk with.
43. Favourite current TV shows?
Um... Lost is pretty cool. I also make a point of watching Gilmore Girls & Boston Legal.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Bitchy
I don't know, I've felt kind of bitchy and on edge all day today. Maybe it's PMS or something, I don't know. I thought I might cry for a minute in Yoga class today, and then like everyone on the road just annoyed me today. :p
Anyway, my research group has to totally realign our survey, as I expected, however not as expected, we're basically changing our hypothesis again. Which means I need to get the survey revamped and email it to her so she can check it, and then perhaps email it to my group also, so they all know what's going on.
I think it's just one of those days where you feel like your head's gonna explode if you think about anything longer then 2 minutes.
Anyway, my research group has to totally realign our survey, as I expected, however not as expected, we're basically changing our hypothesis again. Which means I need to get the survey revamped and email it to her so she can check it, and then perhaps email it to my group also, so they all know what's going on.
I think it's just one of those days where you feel like your head's gonna explode if you think about anything longer then 2 minutes.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Survey Time
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Depends on the day, Monday, Wed, and Fri I'm up by like 8 for class and errands and such. Tues & Thurs it's like 11. Sat and Sun, it's varied.
2. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD IT BE? Hmm, maybe Joss Whedon, it'd be cool to ask him about his shows and chat, and maybe learn something from him.
3. GOLD OR SILVER? Silver
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Alien vs Predator *LOL* it was fun and all, but no need to ever see it again ...
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW? lots that aren't on anymore, but currently running new eps, that's hard actually... Does Monday Night Football count?
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? varies by day, sometimes cereal, sometimes a smoothie if I'm at school, or a cider and a bagel if it's cold... sometimes nothing...
7. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? hmm, don't know... no one particular, but there are several types of people who would annoy me real fast.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? nope... not one of my odd talents
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? random things, sometimes it's a song, or a film, or just something I pass by while going about my day... oddly I often get good ideas while washing my hair...
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Hope... I hope... *L*
11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY? probably the Beach
12. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, but winter has it's nice points too
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben & Jerry's Mint cookie
14. BUTTERED, SALTED, OR PLAIN POPCORN? Buttered & Salted, although I've taken a real liking to that sweet & salty kettle corn.
15. FAVORITE COLOR? blue & black
16. FAVORITE CAR? the classic 1960's models of the Ford Mustang... although not sure I'd ever really want one, I'm kind of content with my little Honda civic... it's pretty cool too *L*
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH? any really good deli style turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomator, mustard, mayo, and on really good french or sour dough bread roll bread.
18. TRUE LOVE? um, no, don't think so... at least not for me...
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? arrogance, stupidity, dishonesty
20. FAVORITE FLOWER? California poppy
21. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY? put a bunch away, fix the house so it's not about to fall apart, and so we could either rent it when we move or sell it for decent money and buy a nice place near Seattle or Portland... but I'd probably put most of it in the bank, give some to mom, pay back for all that college tuition she's been paying for.
22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK? No fizzy, I don't do fizzy... don't like fizzy...
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? White, with pink tiles, and a lot of water damage... we got the house over 15 years ago with pink tiles, and they are still there, even though we NEVER liked the pink tiles. *L*
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 2
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? hmm... Southern Cali, or Northern Cali, or maybe Hawaii :)
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES, HOW MANY? sort of, but haven't tried in quite a long time
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Sunday... it's the mellow sleepy day, and in the fall, it's also Football day :)
28. RED OR WHITE WINE? Neither, not really a wine drinker, or anything alcohol drinker... just never could really aquire a taste for alcohol, and I've tried to...
29. WOULD YOU ATTEND A NUDE EVENT? No, not unless you consider my shower an event...
30. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Nothing really, got depressed and made myself frosted brownies at like 2 am...
31. WHAT IS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ OR ARE CURRENTLY READING? Um, reading "Color of Magic" by Terry Pratchett & "On the Brightside, I'm now the Girlfriend of a Sex god" by Louise Rennison, & "Two Towers" Tolkien... and the last book I finished was "I was a Teenage Fairy" by Francesca Lia Block.
2. IF YOU COULD HAVE LUNCH WITH ANYONE WHO WOULD IT BE? Hmm, maybe Joss Whedon, it'd be cool to ask him about his shows and chat, and maybe learn something from him.
3. GOLD OR SILVER? Silver
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Alien vs Predator *LOL* it was fun and all, but no need to ever see it again ...
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW? lots that aren't on anymore, but currently running new eps, that's hard actually... Does Monday Night Football count?
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? varies by day, sometimes cereal, sometimes a smoothie if I'm at school, or a cider and a bagel if it's cold... sometimes nothing...
7. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? hmm, don't know... no one particular, but there are several types of people who would annoy me real fast.
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? nope... not one of my odd talents
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? random things, sometimes it's a song, or a film, or just something I pass by while going about my day... oddly I often get good ideas while washing my hair...
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Hope... I hope... *L*
11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY? probably the Beach
12. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer, but winter has it's nice points too
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben & Jerry's Mint cookie
14. BUTTERED, SALTED, OR PLAIN POPCORN? Buttered & Salted, although I've taken a real liking to that sweet & salty kettle corn.
15. FAVORITE COLOR? blue & black
16. FAVORITE CAR? the classic 1960's models of the Ford Mustang... although not sure I'd ever really want one, I'm kind of content with my little Honda civic... it's pretty cool too *L*
17. FAVORITE SANDWICH? any really good deli style turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomator, mustard, mayo, and on really good french or sour dough bread roll bread.
18. TRUE LOVE? um, no, don't think so... at least not for me...
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? arrogance, stupidity, dishonesty
20. FAVORITE FLOWER? California poppy
21. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY? put a bunch away, fix the house so it's not about to fall apart, and so we could either rent it when we move or sell it for decent money and buy a nice place near Seattle or Portland... but I'd probably put most of it in the bank, give some to mom, pay back for all that college tuition she's been paying for.
22. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK? No fizzy, I don't do fizzy... don't like fizzy...
23. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? White, with pink tiles, and a lot of water damage... we got the house over 15 years ago with pink tiles, and they are still there, even though we NEVER liked the pink tiles. *L*
24. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? 2
25. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? hmm... Southern Cali, or Northern Cali, or maybe Hawaii :)
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES, HOW MANY? sort of, but haven't tried in quite a long time
27. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Sunday... it's the mellow sleepy day, and in the fall, it's also Football day :)
28. RED OR WHITE WINE? Neither, not really a wine drinker, or anything alcohol drinker... just never could really aquire a taste for alcohol, and I've tried to...
29. WOULD YOU ATTEND A NUDE EVENT? No, not unless you consider my shower an event...
30. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Nothing really, got depressed and made myself frosted brownies at like 2 am...
31. WHAT IS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ OR ARE CURRENTLY READING? Um, reading "Color of Magic" by Terry Pratchett & "On the Brightside, I'm now the Girlfriend of a Sex god" by Louise Rennison, & "Two Towers" Tolkien... and the last book I finished was "I was a Teenage Fairy" by Francesca Lia Block.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Boys on the Brain
I've had boys on the brain for the last several days now, and it's bloody annoying. Seriously, I can't keep my brain on anything for more then like 10 minutes without boys poping up. I'm on one of those like hormonal trips or something where like every guy gets like more attractive. It's highly destracting, makes normal daily functioning much more challenging. Especially since it's like midterms and this week is full of due dates for projects and exams.
On a totally other note, it's started raining out, like just tonight, like just did since the last time I looked outside. It's not currently raining, but the streets are all wet. And it was all grey and cloudy all day today, actually I guess it was yesterday, since it's like 4 am and all now. Could just tell the sky was waiting to start raining. Not a big suprise though, it was in the weather forecast.
Back to boys, there is of course a particular boy at the center of this madness, but it extends beyond to like every guy I walk past. All the guys in my classes are suddenly that much cuter. And I've now changed my computer wallpaper from a very cute but fully clothed black & white of Ian Thorpe, to one of him with no shirt and his underwear sticking out the top of his shorts. Looking all tan and buff from the Olympics. And cause I couldn't fit his whole torso the proper way, I've turned the photo on it's side so I can see him from waist to head... it's totally gratuitious, but oh so HOT!!!
On a totally other note, it's started raining out, like just tonight, like just did since the last time I looked outside. It's not currently raining, but the streets are all wet. And it was all grey and cloudy all day today, actually I guess it was yesterday, since it's like 4 am and all now. Could just tell the sky was waiting to start raining. Not a big suprise though, it was in the weather forecast.
Back to boys, there is of course a particular boy at the center of this madness, but it extends beyond to like every guy I walk past. All the guys in my classes are suddenly that much cuter. And I've now changed my computer wallpaper from a very cute but fully clothed black & white of Ian Thorpe, to one of him with no shirt and his underwear sticking out the top of his shorts. Looking all tan and buff from the Olympics. And cause I couldn't fit his whole torso the proper way, I've turned the photo on it's side so I can see him from waist to head... it's totally gratuitious, but oh so HOT!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Portland
So, I went to Portland this last weekend, cause my fam is thinking of moving there in like less then a year, that or Seattle, which I'm going to go check out over Thanksgiving. Portland was really pretty, we didn't do a lot other then drive around an look at the city, but it was fun.
I think it could be a nice, cool place to live. Although the thought of really leaving California is a little weird. I know California is over priced and has increasingly freaky weather... and is at times excessively hot even in the middle of Sept and Oct.... or February. *L* I guess it'll just be one of those things where you can take the girl out of California, but you can never take the California out of the girl.
I think it could be a nice, cool place to live. Although the thought of really leaving California is a little weird. I know California is over priced and has increasingly freaky weather... and is at times excessively hot even in the middle of Sept and Oct.... or February. *L* I guess it'll just be one of those things where you can take the girl out of California, but you can never take the California out of the girl.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Just Shut Up!
I really, really need to remember those three little words, they are important. Just shut up! It's usually not too much of a problem in classes, I don't really talk much, but it needs to extend to group projects for classes, outside class, even online. I usually end up saying something lame, or stupid, or just plain too much. The best solution, just shut up!
And if I must say something, say it here, because here, no one's really listening, or at least no one need listen. It's not like it's messanger, or even a message board. I mean I don't think anyone but me ever reads this thing, which is fine, not really sure why anyone else would be interested in reading my insane ramblings and idiotic thoughts. It's not like I have anything of real importance or interest to say, I'm just saying a bunch of useless shit. Which is fine so long as I'm just talking to myself, which I'm awful good at, and when I don't want to listen anymore, I just shut up.
And if I must say something, say it here, because here, no one's really listening, or at least no one need listen. It's not like it's messanger, or even a message board. I mean I don't think anyone but me ever reads this thing, which is fine, not really sure why anyone else would be interested in reading my insane ramblings and idiotic thoughts. It's not like I have anything of real importance or interest to say, I'm just saying a bunch of useless shit. Which is fine so long as I'm just talking to myself, which I'm awful good at, and when I don't want to listen anymore, I just shut up.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Weird randomness...
Okay, had one of those weird and random sort of days, but good day. But now I have guys on the brain... and I have a 9am class tomorrow. I just know this is gonna keep me awake tonight. AHH! One of those feel like you gotta bounce or scream, or something moments... I'm having one of those moments today... madness... and tomorrow is my crazy day at school, where I'm like at school in classes or meetings, or group work projects like all day long.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
I think it was hormones
Well, wound up leaving class today fustrated, pissy, and on the verge of tears. I think I was just having one of those hormonal days where I just can't take anything that isn't light and fun fair.
On a side note, I think I've, again, decided that the best way to deal with life, particularly group work in classes is to shut the hell up and do whatever the rest of the group wants. I just end up fustrated and unhappy when the group inevitably doesn't give a shit and doesn't listen or care about anything I put in as input, or even worse, make me feel stupid for even suggesting anything at all. Unfortunatly this semester is gonna be full of shitty ass group work. Oh well, at least I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet and doing what I'm told, assuming I don't burst into tears in the middle of it all.
Well, going to attempt to sleep, been getting shitty sleep the last week, and it's starting to drive me over the edge, I about cried last night cause I just couldn't sleep.
On a side note, I think I've, again, decided that the best way to deal with life, particularly group work in classes is to shut the hell up and do whatever the rest of the group wants. I just end up fustrated and unhappy when the group inevitably doesn't give a shit and doesn't listen or care about anything I put in as input, or even worse, make me feel stupid for even suggesting anything at all. Unfortunatly this semester is gonna be full of shitty ass group work. Oh well, at least I'm usually pretty good at staying quiet and doing what I'm told, assuming I don't burst into tears in the middle of it all.
Well, going to attempt to sleep, been getting shitty sleep the last week, and it's starting to drive me over the edge, I about cried last night cause I just couldn't sleep.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Drawing a Blank
I was thinking I should say something here, but now that I'm here, I haven't got a bloody clue what. I swear though this world gets more fucking terrifying every day. The world is just a mess, the whole fucking world, a bloody mess, like, seriously. Woke up this morning to find that during the wee hours of the morning some jackasses (probably dumbass drunk teenagers) drove down my block and smashed in windows etc of like half the cars down the street, including mine. Now sucks a little less for me, since I was planning on getting rid of the car anyway, and actually the smashed window was just the modavation to take it over to the used car lot and sell it now. But one of our neighbors had just bought a new car and now it's windows and such are all smashed in. I mean, that's just shitty. I mean there's not even any fucking point to what these idiots did, it was just like all down one side of the street, most likely one idiot driving and another hanging out the passanger window with some object to smash with. It's not like there was a rhyme or reason, just random acts of vandalism, I guess it is sort of better in a way then targeted vandalism, but it's just so pointless, like these idiots couldn't find something better to do, like drink themselves stupid till they passed out, or smoked some pot to mellow them out, or smash beer cans on their heads. Always trying to keep my mind off all that mess by playing RPGs and watching TV shows and sports and fun stuff, cause if I let myself dwell on all the fear and hate, and discontentment in and with the world, I'd probably have to slit my wrists immediately.
So, I continue to surf fun sites, downloading an interview on the Addidas site of Ian Thorpe, he's so cute, and massively talented in the water. Not to mention he seems like a real genuine guy, nice to see in celebs, and athletes, cause not all are: Case in point Terrell Owens. The San Fran 49ers roster has been totally desimated by salary cap issues, but Terrell was one worth losing from the roster, even if it takes the next 4 years for the 9ers to make playoffs again. Although I was bummed when they didn't sign Jeff Garcia again, not like he's the most perfected QB in the leauge, but he rocks! And well, fireing Steve Mariucci (I think I spelt that wrong :p) the year before, I still say that was the most spectacular streak of stupitity that ever hit the 49er management... with that in mind, Go Lions! *LOL* That'll showum'.
This week is free trial week for the PE classes, so I'm gonna try and get myself to some of them, cause I really do need to get active and try and lose a little weight, it's starting to get sad, I had to go buy pants the other day, cause I only had one pair of pants left that fit me comfortably. Also thinking about making use of the open swim hours at the pool at the school. I haven't been swimming in probably like 5 years, and I miss not swimming. I'm not that great at it, but I always had fun. And I need active things to do that are also fun, which is why I'm not good at just sitting and doing crunches or push ups while watching TV, it's not fun.
So, I continue to surf fun sites, downloading an interview on the Addidas site of Ian Thorpe, he's so cute, and massively talented in the water. Not to mention he seems like a real genuine guy, nice to see in celebs, and athletes, cause not all are: Case in point Terrell Owens. The San Fran 49ers roster has been totally desimated by salary cap issues, but Terrell was one worth losing from the roster, even if it takes the next 4 years for the 9ers to make playoffs again. Although I was bummed when they didn't sign Jeff Garcia again, not like he's the most perfected QB in the leauge, but he rocks! And well, fireing Steve Mariucci (I think I spelt that wrong :p) the year before, I still say that was the most spectacular streak of stupitity that ever hit the 49er management... with that in mind, Go Lions! *LOL* That'll showum'.
This week is free trial week for the PE classes, so I'm gonna try and get myself to some of them, cause I really do need to get active and try and lose a little weight, it's starting to get sad, I had to go buy pants the other day, cause I only had one pair of pants left that fit me comfortably. Also thinking about making use of the open swim hours at the pool at the school. I haven't been swimming in probably like 5 years, and I miss not swimming. I'm not that great at it, but I always had fun. And I need active things to do that are also fun, which is why I'm not good at just sitting and doing crunches or push ups while watching TV, it's not fun.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Dreams Left Behind
The Olympics always bring up those feelings of dreams not persued, or dreams left half way. I'm sure it's because of my own childhood dreams of Olympic greatness when I was like 7 and 8 and was a gymnast, and actually pretty good at that point. Actual potential and everything. But at 11, I'd already had to cut back on training due to my mom's work, and then burnt out a bit, intended to take just a few months off, but never wound up going back. There are times still that I regret never going back, not so much because I could have been an Olympic gymnast, but because it was a lot of fun, and a great way to stay in shape. Now, nearly 15 years later, I feel out of shape, and inactive. I'm planning on looking into using the rec center at my school, and possibly taking like a yoga or dance class or something to have something active to do.
And then I think of my more current dreams, dreams I hope aren't as far off achievment as my Olympic dreams as a child were. Dreams of getting into something, preferably not the nightly news, where I get to use and work around a video camera. Fiction TV or film would rock, but like sports coverage would be cool too. I'm thinking about possibly doing a documentary on this kind of topic for my class this semester, looking at the dreams, past and present of people, and the reasons for wanting what they do, and for having given up on old dreams.
hmmm...
And then I think of my more current dreams, dreams I hope aren't as far off achievment as my Olympic dreams as a child were. Dreams of getting into something, preferably not the nightly news, where I get to use and work around a video camera. Fiction TV or film would rock, but like sports coverage would be cool too. I'm thinking about possibly doing a documentary on this kind of topic for my class this semester, looking at the dreams, past and present of people, and the reasons for wanting what they do, and for having given up on old dreams.
hmmm...
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Time to start Thinking
Gotta start thinking about projects and papers, got projects in just about every class that are going to be involved and consuming, and gotta come up with what to do for them, Soon. Sooner the better so I can at least try and get started early. Really am going to need to get a video cam ASAP. I think I can do something video related for my senior project, not sure if I could tie it to whatever I do for my video production class.
The Olympics are over, and it's sad, I miss them so much already. Been watching US Open all day just cause I need some kind of sports booster or something. Been online for little spurts rather often looking up pics and info on athletes and sports, especially those hot male swimmers. *LOL* I want to know where I can order me one of those guys *LOL*. Sometimes the hormones just take over. :p
Anyway, just talking... trying to do this more often... even if I don't feel like I really am saying that much...
The Olympics are over, and it's sad, I miss them so much already. Been watching US Open all day just cause I need some kind of sports booster or something. Been online for little spurts rather often looking up pics and info on athletes and sports, especially those hot male swimmers. *LOL* I want to know where I can order me one of those guys *LOL*. Sometimes the hormones just take over. :p
Anyway, just talking... trying to do this more often... even if I don't feel like I really am saying that much...
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
School ... and other stuff
Okay, today was back to school, I missed who knows how much Olympic Coverage, but did get to interact in person with other human beings again. *LOL* Okay, I'm maybe not QUITE that big of a hermit, but close. It's not that big an exaggeration. Got books at least for the couple books for this class. Also got the new Vanity Fair mag I'd been thinking about with the pretty pic of Reese Witherspoon on the cover. Lots of cool pics of Olympians in it too... and I have to say, up till now Michael Phelps was a cute kid, but WOW, that pic of him in there was HOT! I can't believe how young he is though.... dude, I feel old. Still love Olympics, but damn those athletes make me feel old. So many of the athletes are younger then me. I expected that from women's gymnastics, but not everything else as well, from volleyball, to swimming, to track. And hell, for that matter 1/3 of the women's gymnastics team this year was actually older then me, more then 2000 even I think. I think in 2000 the only one older then me was Dominique Dawes. This year both Mohini Bhardwaj and Annia Hatch are older then I, granted by only a year, but still... (actually Mo is like 9 months older)... *L*
I now, after watching an inordinate amount of Olympic coverage, really want to go to like some big athletic event. I bet being at the games and going and seeing some of these things live and in person is just awsome. The only sporting events I've actually been to are my high school's football and basketball games (now years ago). Although the football was pretty cool, we went to division championship game held at the Okland Colosium (where the Okland Raiders & A's play) so that was pretty wow. And then like 8 or 9 years ago I went to a few AVP (Pro Beach Volleyball) tournaments in Southern Cali, but it's been a while, Mike Dodd was still playing back then, now he's announcing for the Indoor Volleyball at the Athens Games. Was cool though I still have pics of me with Mike Dodd, Mike Witmarsh (Dodd's partner when they won silver at Atlanta 1996) and a pic with Eric Fonoimoana. But again, that was years ago. Going to like some kind of Olympics or World Championships would rock, or going to another AVP tourny again would rock... (Beach Volleyball is a massively cool sport, the atmosphere is the best)... I also wouldn't mind catching an NBA or NFL game, but both those are so increadibly expencive to attend just one little game, and I don't think my mom would let me and my bro drive to Okland or South San Fran alone... which kind of leaves only Sacremento Kings, which is a little bit far to go, and still very pricey, although I'm sure it would be an amazing time. :p
I now, after watching an inordinate amount of Olympic coverage, really want to go to like some big athletic event. I bet being at the games and going and seeing some of these things live and in person is just awsome. The only sporting events I've actually been to are my high school's football and basketball games (now years ago). Although the football was pretty cool, we went to division championship game held at the Okland Colosium (where the Okland Raiders & A's play) so that was pretty wow. And then like 8 or 9 years ago I went to a few AVP (Pro Beach Volleyball) tournaments in Southern Cali, but it's been a while, Mike Dodd was still playing back then, now he's announcing for the Indoor Volleyball at the Athens Games. Was cool though I still have pics of me with Mike Dodd, Mike Witmarsh (Dodd's partner when they won silver at Atlanta 1996) and a pic with Eric Fonoimoana. But again, that was years ago. Going to like some kind of Olympics or World Championships would rock, or going to another AVP tourny again would rock... (Beach Volleyball is a massively cool sport, the atmosphere is the best)... I also wouldn't mind catching an NBA or NFL game, but both those are so increadibly expencive to attend just one little game, and I don't think my mom would let me and my bro drive to Okland or South San Fran alone... which kind of leaves only Sacremento Kings, which is a little bit far to go, and still very pricey, although I'm sure it would be an amazing time. :p
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Tired
It's 3am, I have another chat to do, and I'm tired. I really wish I could just go to bed right now. Been watching Olympics still... pretty much all I've been watching the last week. Now also seriously thinking about the fact that I go back to classes mid week. It's crazy... and annoying, cause I feel more tired now then I did at the start of the summer. But it'll be good to get back to classes and at least some minor interaction with other human beings not over the internet. Haven't had much of that over the summer.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Coolios!
Alright! Got me a new template layout, and gussed up my profile, and all that good stuff... Olympic coverage is on again, swimming right now. We'll see if I can remember to update this sucker any better then I have. I'd be cool if I could. :)
Okay, think I'll be off for the night now... want to pay attention to the Olympics... *L*
Okay, think I'll be off for the night now... want to pay attention to the Olympics... *L*
Testing...
Testing something out, trying to see if it will work, trying to add the comment option to this thing, not that I think there will be many people out there reading this to comment on it, but there might be one or two, so, ...
TESTING
Afterthoughts
Oh, got busy with a game and didn't finish my thoughts... My friend, Andrea and I spent like all day friday last week hanging out watching DVDs and browsing the bookstore. And then caught a movie, Alien vs Predator on Monday. The movie was kinda cool, fun and actiony and such. She started back to classes later that afternoon. She said we should make a point to hang out like once a week, I don't know if once a week will really happen, she tends to end up dead to the universe once the semester starts (she's in nursing school, so it's pretty intense, plus she works part time and her husband works full time, so she's a busy girl). But hopefully if we shoot for once a week, we'll at least manage to get to hanging out every couple weeks. I should see if her husband Marcus, can change a car battery (he's pretty good with that kind of tech, car stuff), cause I need a new one, and if he can change it, that would help me save a few bucks. My car battery died, cause I forgot to start it for the last few weeks, while it's been sitting at the curb. Just need a cheep battery cause we're gonna get rid of it soon anyway. The stick can be fun when you get to really drive it out on an open road, but it can just get annoying around the city, shifting all the time practically, plus, well, as I said in an earlier post, that illness, it was just one more thing. Driving the automatic was hard enough when I was sick, and the stick was just one more thing to deal with at that point... :p Oh well... live and learn I guess...
It's been a while...
Okay, so it has really been a while since the last time. Since, I've had all kinds of drama, mostly online, and now, still, my energy online has wained a bit. But I am having fun with the RPG boards a friend and I started a couple months ago, it's not as busy there as I'd like, but there are games playing, and are fun.
Got through finals in May, got A's in all my video classes and a B in my Psych class. Worked on a video project the week after and then took a short 3 week intersession class to finish my GE requirements. Got an A, it was a class on Hawai'i, and it was very cool. Totally didn't mind getting up at 7 am for that class, course it helped I didn't have to get up that early for more then 3 weeks.
Now summer is almost over, class starts in just under a week now. Been watching lots of Olympics, like constantly since they started, been fun. I love watching the Olympics, even events that otherwise I never pay any attention to, like rowing, are lots of fun to watch during the Olympic games.
Been trying to think about what kind of project, or projects I could do for my video class this coming semester. The focus of the class is going to be documentaries, as opposed to scripted, fiction directing, like last semester, so it'll be interesting, but means I need to come up with a documentary to do. I also need to get me a video camera, cause it was a headache having to worry if we were going to be able to check out a camera the week we needed it. This way I'll have one, 24/7.
Got through finals in May, got A's in all my video classes and a B in my Psych class. Worked on a video project the week after and then took a short 3 week intersession class to finish my GE requirements. Got an A, it was a class on Hawai'i, and it was very cool. Totally didn't mind getting up at 7 am for that class, course it helped I didn't have to get up that early for more then 3 weeks.
Now summer is almost over, class starts in just under a week now. Been watching lots of Olympics, like constantly since they started, been fun. I love watching the Olympics, even events that otherwise I never pay any attention to, like rowing, are lots of fun to watch during the Olympic games.
Been trying to think about what kind of project, or projects I could do for my video class this coming semester. The focus of the class is going to be documentaries, as opposed to scripted, fiction directing, like last semester, so it'll be interesting, but means I need to come up with a documentary to do. I also need to get me a video camera, cause it was a headache having to worry if we were going to be able to check out a camera the week we needed it. This way I'll have one, 24/7.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Boys... Crazy
I think I'm just going crazy. Every now and then I don't know, it's like every guy I pass is cute. And thus I end up spending more time in class thinking how cute some of the guys are and it's much harder to focus on learning anything. It's really annoying. There are these really cute guys in my class, but there's absolutely nothing to be done about it.
Anyway... shifting gears, I spent much of last night going through old photographs that I'd taken over the past like 8 years, it was a little weird and surreal. But that may be good. I think for one of my projects for video class I will try mixing video footage with photographs worked in Photoshop with layers and made into a film piece.
Oh man, got another chat RPG soon, I SOO should have napped in between them, I'm so tired right now.
Anyway... shifting gears, I spent much of last night going through old photographs that I'd taken over the past like 8 years, it was a little weird and surreal. But that may be good. I think for one of my projects for video class I will try mixing video footage with photographs worked in Photoshop with layers and made into a film piece.
Oh man, got another chat RPG soon, I SOO should have napped in between them, I'm so tired right now.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Venting
I'm feeling very ill at ease at a site that for a long time has been a favorite place of mine and a boards that felt very welcomeing to everyone. But the new ownership is homophobic and a conversation over one thread that appears to me to be relatively harmless, is really troubling me. Granted I'm living not too far from the city that's been marrying gays left and right... and this person is from Texas... two very different states of mind. But I don't want the gay members of the board to feel like they are being discriminated against or unwelcome. I'm bothered by this whole 'homophobic' vibe that seems to be racing through the country... Freakin' republicans...
I'm not gay myself, but I've had friends who were, and I also just don't feel that gays are really any different, other then they like people of the same gender. Big deal, I don't see where it's hurting anyone, or where it even really effects others. But I guess some think it's evil or contagious... generally it seems the religious... but I won't get started on my feelings on religion...
Anyway... just felt the need to vent a little...
I'm not gay myself, but I've had friends who were, and I also just don't feel that gays are really any different, other then they like people of the same gender. Big deal, I don't see where it's hurting anyone, or where it even really effects others. But I guess some think it's evil or contagious... generally it seems the religious... but I won't get started on my feelings on religion...
Anyway... just felt the need to vent a little...
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Randomness
Wow, Okay so I've not been keeping up here at all... but guess I felt modavated to right now because at the moment... well, I'm feeling, I don't know, off, mentally... Kind of feeling the need for the therapy of writing and of photography. I finally loaded up my camera tonight, so that on Monday I don't even have to consider and time factor of having to get to school, cause I can just grab the camera bag with my backpack.
Planning to sell my car too, get another automatic so that I'm not the only one in the house capable of driving it... plus well, I got sick a few weeks ago and it was hard enough trying to drive an automatic in that state, so, I decided to let it go... I may not have had it not seemed my mom kind of thought having two cars everyone could drive was a possibly better idea... so, at least now I know how to drive a stick in a pinch. So if I ever find myself out with my friends and the driver ends up having a drink, I can drive even if it's a stick... cause well, it's not like I'll be drinking, since I'm not a drinker. Not cause it's like 'bad' for you or anything, just cause I never could manage to aquire a taste for alcohol, it's just not tasty. I'd rather drink something that makes my taste buds happy.
I'm about a month or so into another semester at school, taking a full 12 units this time too. Mostly video/film production classes. It's fun, but mentally consuming, and somewhat time consuming as well. There are some guys who well, kinda cool and cute in the classes, particularly the late Friday class... not that it really has any meaning of any kind, just a random note... something I've noticed... doesn't really mean shit though, since well... I'm me and that's how my life is... and I don't see it changing any time soon, cause I'm just too fucking neruotic... But anyway... I'm wanting to buy a video camera soon... I really want to play around with one and really see what I can do with it... see if I can discover anything by just taking it out... like with my normal camera.
Really, gotta try and pay better attention to this blog. It's not like I'm not online often enough to update regularly... I practically live online... cause I have no life outside it other then classes... :p
Planning to sell my car too, get another automatic so that I'm not the only one in the house capable of driving it... plus well, I got sick a few weeks ago and it was hard enough trying to drive an automatic in that state, so, I decided to let it go... I may not have had it not seemed my mom kind of thought having two cars everyone could drive was a possibly better idea... so, at least now I know how to drive a stick in a pinch. So if I ever find myself out with my friends and the driver ends up having a drink, I can drive even if it's a stick... cause well, it's not like I'll be drinking, since I'm not a drinker. Not cause it's like 'bad' for you or anything, just cause I never could manage to aquire a taste for alcohol, it's just not tasty. I'd rather drink something that makes my taste buds happy.
I'm about a month or so into another semester at school, taking a full 12 units this time too. Mostly video/film production classes. It's fun, but mentally consuming, and somewhat time consuming as well. There are some guys who well, kinda cool and cute in the classes, particularly the late Friday class... not that it really has any meaning of any kind, just a random note... something I've noticed... doesn't really mean shit though, since well... I'm me and that's how my life is... and I don't see it changing any time soon, cause I'm just too fucking neruotic... But anyway... I'm wanting to buy a video camera soon... I really want to play around with one and really see what I can do with it... see if I can discover anything by just taking it out... like with my normal camera.
Really, gotta try and pay better attention to this blog. It's not like I'm not online often enough to update regularly... I practically live online... cause I have no life outside it other then classes... :p
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
It's Done!
It's done! Got my papers done and my presentations and the scene in theater class went actually really well :) Now I'm free for like a month... well, except for all my online endevors that now need tending, and I may have to begin searching for a new job again, preferably one that I can work only Saturdays... cause I think if I try and work more then that with a full or close to full unit load at school my head might explode *L*...
I'm actually feeling pretty good today, I think cause of the papers and such being done, just nice to have that stress off for a while. My only real bummer of the day was not getting to go to the midnight show of Return of the King, it was all sold out already... but I'm going to the Noon show tomorrow, well guess it's today already, which means I should probably sleep soon. I went out and bought a couple DVDs and some CDs today though... bought Jason Mraz's CD, after catching his second video and being rather amused by it and liking the music... god I'm like in typo hell right now *L*... anway... just out of curiousity I started poking around online for info on Jason and if the birthday I found is correct, he's got my birthday... just not the same year, he's a tad older, not a lot though... :) And I sat and read a bit of the journal he keeps on his offical site and it's just so funny, and interesting, I keep finding myself smiling as I read it... much like when listening to his music and watching his videos... thus that has added to my generally good mood of the moment...
Anyway, I guess his journal also reminded me that I have as always been neglecting this thing... but hey, it's the second entry in one month, that's better then most months for me *L*...
Guess I'll go scoot my ass off to bed... starting to feel a tad bit of the tiredness... seeing as it's like 4:30 am... yeah, I'm insane, as if ya'll didn't know that already... :p
I'm actually feeling pretty good today, I think cause of the papers and such being done, just nice to have that stress off for a while. My only real bummer of the day was not getting to go to the midnight show of Return of the King, it was all sold out already... but I'm going to the Noon show tomorrow, well guess it's today already, which means I should probably sleep soon. I went out and bought a couple DVDs and some CDs today though... bought Jason Mraz's CD, after catching his second video and being rather amused by it and liking the music... god I'm like in typo hell right now *L*... anway... just out of curiousity I started poking around online for info on Jason and if the birthday I found is correct, he's got my birthday... just not the same year, he's a tad older, not a lot though... :) And I sat and read a bit of the journal he keeps on his offical site and it's just so funny, and interesting, I keep finding myself smiling as I read it... much like when listening to his music and watching his videos... thus that has added to my generally good mood of the moment...
Anyway, I guess his journal also reminded me that I have as always been neglecting this thing... but hey, it's the second entry in one month, that's better then most months for me *L*...
Guess I'll go scoot my ass off to bed... starting to feel a tad bit of the tiredness... seeing as it's like 4:30 am... yeah, I'm insane, as if ya'll didn't know that already... :p
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
So much stuff to do
Bit by bit I'm starting to chip away at all the stuff to do for school. Got my presentation for one of my classes tomorrow (I guess technically today *L*)... starting to get on my presentation for next week in my Media Ethics class, at least a little. Read another chapter in the book for my final paper in my intro class... slow but steady progress. I just hope I do well on everything. The end of the semester is always a little nerve racking. I'm looking forward to it all being finished. My last final is Tues, Dec 16, and then I get to go see the Return of the King. I have to find out when the local theater is going to start selling tickets. I really want to go to the midnight show. I went for TTT and it was really fun. :) And this year it would be a really good way to celebrate getting everything finished for my classes.
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