Frustrated

With not a lot going on in my life, I guess I also haven't had much of a reason to say anything. Not that there's anything actually new going on, just feeling frustrated tonight. I really don't know what brought on the feeling, just sitting staring at the bloody computer screen and watching TV, all totally normal. But just feeling frustrated at what my life is, and that I still can't manage to even imagine it as anything more. Maybe I've just doomed myself to nothingness, cause that's all I can manage to see.

I look at pictures of other people and they all look so happy with their lives. I mean everyone has trying times, many more than mine. But they come back up, things get better. But it kind of seems like just a big straight line is what I amount to, a straight line going nowhere. I wonder how it is other people get where they get to. And often times it doesn't seem like they've done anything special, just gotten lucky. Right time, right place kind of moments made them what they are. But it seems I miss all the moments. I just don't know what to do... I don't know how to get what I want... it seems so futile. I know what I'd like... but it just seems so fucking impossible to get, that maybe I've given up already.

Space case

Dude, my brain is like just fried out tonight... for no real apparent reason either. Not like I really did much of anything today. My head just ain't functioning at normal capacity. Totally can't think worth a damn. Anyway... yeah, so that's what's what right now. Trying to post in RPGs and just can't think well enough to write more than a 3 sentence responce to most things. Hell, I think I've run out of brain function for this now... cause I don't know what else to say at the moment... :P bleh...

nothing...

Sometimes the reality just hits as to how truly pathetic my life is. I'm completely useless. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. I'm just a pathetic excuse for a person... no purpose, no drive, nothing... i'm nothing... i can't picture myself as anything other than what i am now... which is nothing...

I so need a job

I'm like a nothing now, I do nothing. I have no actual life. It's pathetic. I so need to get a job. Not really up for deep thoughts right now, but had to get that out. Feeling kinda worthless at the moment.

I've Been a Bad, Bad Blogger

So, it's been a month, again... I guess with so little going on, I don't have a whole lot to blog about... but I miss it, and I think in order to try and get back into it I'm going to create another new 'specialty' blog for memes. I recently, like about a half hour ago *L* found this 'weekly meme' site thing where it gives a bunch of questions to anwer.

As for what's happening, not much. Apryl's at her parents now for October, so I'm gonna check and see if there's still any decent flights up there. Been hanging out at Andrea's almost weekly still. Gotten hooked into a bunch of new shows this season, as well as keeping onto all the old ones. Have I mentioned I love TV. I'm still thinking of trying to do like a websoap kind of thing. Since I'm not doing a lot of RPGing these days. Although I am going to join up a Buffy/Angel RPG soon on the Buffy/Angel boards.

randomness not even worthy of upper case letters

So, not much different from the last time... still sitting, watching DVDs and wondering 'what the hell'... not to anything in particular, just generally (the 'what the hell' thought I mean). Yeah, so I'm kinda just rambling, cause I've really been neglecting the whole journal thing pretty much since the start of summer... and really, really since July when my summer became nothing but running errands and watching DVDs... It's weird to know that school started up this week, and yet, I didn't have to go to school... it's kinda strange... and I really have to get to finding a job. The whole Hawaii idea is kinda on hold, like probably won't happen till spring time, if it happens at all... though we may find something cool to do Thanksgiving week, like a little trip down the coast or something like that. Anyway, so I bought some DVDs and a CD today and watched a bunch of The OC, season 2. And that was pretty much the highlight of my day...

It's funny the times that you start to consider the consistancy of your life. I was sitting and watching The OC and watching all the relationship drama of it, and then seeing my friend and her husband (who tend to grip at each other a lot, but are also super cute and lovey, seems to be a good balance for them)... but also they are very attached, which probably isn't a bad thing, and not something that I have any issue with, other than to think that I don't know that I could handle a relationship like that. Where they go practically everywhere together, and don't even like running errands alone it seems unless the other is at work. But if they are both off work, then they are pretty much always together. And then all the drama in both scripted shows like The OC and 'reality' based shows that goes on in relationships... it's weird, there are times I think I'd like a relationship, and there are things about having a boyfriend that I find appealing, but then there are also things that I really wonder if I'll ever be able to deal with, and I really have to wonder if I am perhaps just one of those people who is meant to be permenently single. Perhaps a relationship is just not something I'd even be able to function in...

Eh... anyway... that's probably enough thought for 1am...

Still slacking...

and still unemployed... but I'm thinking I'll just get some job bagging grocerys or something so I have some money, and I can maybe go to Hawaii in December with my friends. And then if I can't get time off, it's not a big deal if I just quit. I went down to my internship finally and did some work, and I think I'll be helping out there this coming semester, so that I can keep up doing what I want to do, continued to gain experience and build a portfolio and have referances for later jobs. Plus, there's some very cool people there. :) I'm getting more relaxed now that the whole moving thing is likely not gonna happen for like a year now...


So, yeah... Saw "The Island" a few days ago and really enjoyed it. Scarlett and Ewan were great as usual, and Sean Bean, well, he's hot as ever, and just wonderfully, and deliciously nasty in it. He's just so good at being bad. *LOL*

Pretty much been spending my time running errands, hanging out with my friend Andrea, and sitting around at home watching DVDs. Yeah, kinda boring... kinda static... hoping to push forward some soon though. I'm also getting a move on reshooting my movie with some actual actresses, hopefully it should be good. :)

Slacking...

I've started doing that ... thing even in my titles... that's a little screwy... but oh well :P

So, I've been slacking off in just about every manner imaginable this summer. I haven't been down to my intership in several weeks, I haven't done a whole lot in the finding a real job arena, the whole moving situation is completely in the air, I am up and online at 5:30am because I woke up at 11:30pm after my like 3rd nap of the day... I've been sleeping most of my days away, and whatever time I'm not asleep I'm doing errands like grocery shopping, or I'm playing some game on the computer while watching DVD marathons of my favorite TV shows... Yes, my life is lame right now... and I've become pretty appathetic about it all rather quickly... I wonder if it's a bad sign when you graduate from college and suddenly become appathetic about life?

We had a rather large power outtage in my city today, lasted for like 3 hours, was kinda strange... although i was sleeping through the first part of it...

I've been really slacking about online things too. I check my email fairly consistantly, cause I actually am online like at least several times a week, it's just usually after midnight here, and I sometimes don't even bother with turning on my messengers, no one's on them usually at that hour anyway... I haven't had a chat rpg in over a month. I've tried to turn up to Sacred a few times, but the few times I make it, only like one other person does. And from the sounds of it, there's only 4 of us left anyway... The only reason at this point that I haven't completely decided just to shut it down is strictly because of the players, Sarai, Anja, & Manny... cause they are cool people, and I like playing with them and talking with them... but I think my drive for the characters and stories themselves is pretty much effectively dead. Which is really kinda sad... it's been a slow death of them over the past year or so... I'm trying to decide if I want to try and make an effort to invest again in Sacred, or if I should just let it go and just make a point of trying to catch the people online at random times and just messege with them.

I still feel like my life is in chaos, but I feel less upset and anxious about it now... hence the appathy... but I'm not sure that that's actually a good thing. I kind of feel like I should still be more paniced about everything, but I can't seem to have the desire or energy to care...

Anyway... not sure what else to say right now... starting to feel repetitive... eh...

my little crisis...

Yeah, so, I think this whole thing, has evolved into something of a crisis. My crossroads crisis... my life crisis... I don't know... i'm really starting to freak out about this whole moving thing... but staying isn't any better. I feel like either way, i'm in for a shit load of change and an end result that ultimately I'm 'making do' with... I just feel so over whelmed, I don't even know how to go about finding a job in my field either place. I just feel completely lost, and uncertain of myself or anything... the only thing keeping me from like a complete meltdown right now I think is that I've still got a couple months left, I think, before I ultimately have to make a choice... course then I could make a choice and hate it... and be totally miserable and wished I'd made the other choice... jez, how the hell do people do this...?? People strike out on their own all the time. So why do I feel like I can't... People also move all the time, to completely new places where they know no one, so why do I feel like I can't...

I hate this... I honestly don't think I ever wanted to grow up... I was never one of those kids who was in some desperate rush to get older and move out. I mean here and there as a kid and teen I'd think and wonder where I'd be 10, 20 years later... but I never could see it very well... I never really could manage to picture my life after school... I never really considered what would happen, what could happen... and now I'm here... in that future spot, where it's now time to get a job, and be an adult and make money... but I'm still also living at home with my mom and brother... feeling not unlike i did when I was 12, or 15, or 18... and now I'm 26... and now... now, I just feel lost... I feel like i've gotten to the edge of that 'future vision' the end of where I could even picture myself being... I never saw myself as a full fledged adult, on my own, living away from my family... never... and maybe that's why it's so hard... I don't know...

But then I could just go, move to Portland where I know no one and stay with my family... but then there's a whole other set of fears, worries, and anxieties there... I'm still faced with the job search I don't even know how to begin... and then I'm also faced with the very real possiblity that I will be very much alone and aside from going to a job, locked away in my house for the first year or two there while I hopefully manage to make at least a friend with whom I can hang out with... because, it really honestly does take me at least a year to two years to become comfortably friends with someone...

Insecurities...

I have a lot of insecurities... they have a tendancy to rule my life actually. Sometimes I'll feel like for a brief time I'm starting to fight back at them, that perhaps I'm starting to make little steps toward over coming them, but it seems everytime I soon run into some circumstance that completely undoes any of the progress I make. I try and find some contentment on my own, in myself... but then when someone else starts to I guess take note of that, I start hoping for more than what I'm allowed by the forces of nature, and I inevitably get rejected, and all that contentment with myself I managed to get, vanishes and I have to start all over again. I'm really beginning to believe that I'm just not ment for 'love' or relationships... that I am one of those people who is just supposed to spend my life as a solitary creature...

Someone said to me today that 'everything happens for a reason'... and as such, it would seem to follow that because everytime I start to have hope that perhaps someone might be interested in a romantic sort of relationship with me, and I am interested in them too, their interest vanishes and I'm rejected, again... I think I said this before, like 7 or 8 months ago, and I'll say it again... Fate's little mind fuck... it keeps testing me to see if I've really learned the lesson yet... apparently I haven't... so I try again now to learn fate's little life lesson to me... and I'll try and remember the next time fate dangles a seemingly interested guy in front of me, that it's just fate's little mind fuck again, testing me to see if I've learned the lesson. Maybe next time I'll pass the test and just pass on by the bait...

Maybe next time I'll have learned to live with being alone... maybe there won't even be a next time... maybe that would be easier... or maybe it wouldn't be...

So I cut my hair...

I seem to have a tendancy toward cutting my hair in times of depression. It's like some desperate act to not have to see myself the same way as I did yesterday, in a hope of no longer feeling like myself, like the way I did yesterday... I had thought of it for a while now, since the weather turned warm, but had liked the longer (like shoulder length) my hair had gotten to... so I held off on it... then wonderland guy seemed to like it when it was down and not tied back in a ponytail, so I hesitated some more... and then I recalled a few years back (like the last time I was growing out a black hair dye job) when I let my hair grow really long, like half way down my back and thought it might be cool to grow it out again... but then I felt down, and I'm kind of doubting I'll even see wonderland again... and it's warm out, and, well, I bought a new box of hair dye (burgandy again) and well, it's just easier to dye when it's shorter...

plus, I wasn't really thinking when I cut it... I was playing Sims, and after 'changing looks' on one of my sims I got up, pulled out the sissors and started cutting... probably should have done it earlier today, or tomorrow, as I'd just showered like 5 hours earlier, and didn't feel like taking another one just to get the cut hairs off me, so I just turned on the hair dryer to cool and hopefully blew most of them off.

maybe it'll help me get away from this state of mind... or maybe I already think I still look just as bad as before... and, well... guys seem to like long hair, so, guess I won't be attracting any new guys to me... not that I would have before anyway, so it's not like that'll probably be of any consequence...

I can't seem to watch anything but Friends right now... it's the only thing that doesn't depress me further for one reason or another...

I'm kind of afraid my friends are sick of me now... that I'm just a big downer... I think everyone is avoiding me, but I guess who can blame them... I'm kind of a big permanent loser... in every way...

Stuff From Kris

Thanks for tagging me Kris, someone loves me this week at least... :)

Celeb Hot list
RULES:Name 10 celebrities that you find attractive and then tag 5 of your friends.

1. Sean Bean
2. Karl Urban
3. Hayden Christensen
4. Jared Padalecki
5. Ben MacKenzie
6. Julian McMahon
7. James Lafferty
8. Alex Band (the voice alone can melt you)
9. Josh Holloway
10. Adam Brody


5 Things List

Five people that I love who aren't family: Andrea, Apryl, Kris (I'm feeling loved since she tagged me), Sandy, Sarai... (there are actually a couple other gals, online and RL who I have some love for too, cause they've been there for me a bit also in the last year or more in some hard and good times)


Five things I can't live without: TV & DVD, my cats, computer, friends & family, a faint hint of hope


Five foods/beverages I love: orange juice, sugar, pizza, mango juice, blueberries


Five things that I have to always have with me: keys, licence, sunglasses, a little cash, watch


Five things I will always and forever hate: this guy James from high school who helped make those 4 years a living hell, stupid people who can't drive worth a damn, infomercials, and I'm afraid I may hate myself for holding onto hope that things will be brighter... yeah, um... I think the last one counts for at least two things...



And um... I don't know who's out there to tag... guess anyone who reads this who isn't Kris, who I took it from. :P

And so it goes...

I've discovered a pattern with me and guys who I'm interested in and who seem to for a brief time be interested in me... it's brief that they are interested. Wonderland guy is over it... he's not interested anymore...

And so I'm again recalling my thoughts from about 7 months ago, when the guy from my summer Hawaii class became just another guy I'd liked who I never had a shot in hell at. Fate just never meant me to have a relationship with a guy... it's just not meant to ever happen... maybe it's just fate's way of sparing all the guys out there of the mess that's me... or spareing them and me from the harsh reality, that I'm probably not cut out for love, and relationships anyway... I'd probably be horrible at it anyway... cause I'm not that good at most things... I'm not even good at being a person...

It seems that no matter what, or what kind of guy the guy is, once I show any interest in them, their interest in me vanishes within a few weeks. It's just an inevitable fact of me... and one I perhaps just need to fucking learn to accept and get over it. Just stop even hoping for that vague blue moon's chance in hell that I'll ever make that kind of connection with anyone, ever. Hell, my aunt as far as I know never married, or if she did it never lasted long, nor have any other men in her life, but she seems to be a fairly successful person, who spends her free time reading and hanging at the beach when she can, and stuff like that... just sucks when you realize at 26 that you'll never have what so many others have, love... especially when it seems to be something that truly makes people happier...

But then, maybe I honestly realized at about 14 years old, that I'm just not supposed to be a happy person... I'm just not...

Little More Than Expected

Well, so I was expecting today to call my friend and go over to her house and watch some more of The OC, and then Farscape when her husband came home. And when I called her I got more than I expected. She very cheerfully asked me to 'guess who was coming'. *L* Well, her brothers are apparently bumming around in town at her house till Thursday night. So, well, we had like an hour and a half or so maybe before her brothers turned up, and wonderland guy and I got a little cozy again. T'was fun... even got a little bit of a kiss out of it at the end of the night. *LOL* So, yeah I may be hanging out there again tomorrow...

On another note, I exchanged some greetings on myspace with an old casual friend from high school who after some very interesting things is in town again, and he asked if I'd like to hang out some time. So, I'm excited about that maybe happening, I haven't seen him since high school (that's 8 years now), but he was always a really cool, funny dude, who was always fun to have classes with. He was one of those sorts of people who had a tendancy to just make class time more interesting, so it would be really cool to grab coffee or something to eat with him sometime soon and just catch up on the last 8 years. :)

Last week was kinda lame (at least from like Thursday on), and so far, this week is looking to be a little bit more interesting and fun, so that's good.

Yet another one of those survey thingys

This one was stolen from Kris' LJ... :)

(Hey Kris! Haven't seen you around much, but I hope the arm is doing better.)


THE FACTS
Name: Meg
Age: 26
Birthday: June 1979
Birth Day: Not sure what day of the week it was
Birth Place: California

OPINIONS (off hand thinking in the wee AM hours)
Most Talented Actor: Robert Downey Jr.
Best Looking Actor: Sean Bean
Most Undervalued Actor: Sean Bean (All america can seem to hire him for is bad guys, and he's capable of so much more)
Most Talented Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Looking Actress: Katherine Heigl
Most Undervalued Actress: Don't know...
Best Director: Joss Whedon
Best Writer: if movies and TV probably same as above, if we're talking books too... Francesca Lia Block

FAVORITES
Color: Blue & Black
Number: 10
Artist: like musical? or what? musical I'll say Michelle Branch off hand
Band: The Calling
Movie: Home For the Holidays (it's a movie I've seen a zillion times and could watch a zillion more... and there's some WONDERFUL actors in it, including the late Anne Bancroft who is wonderful.)
Book: I was a Teenage Fairy
TV Show: oh, there are so many... "Lost" rocks something fierce though...

SHOCKER....(what No one Knows!)
Artist You Like: don't know... lots :P
Band You Like: Papa Roach (cause I probably don't look like I listen to that hard a music much...)
Actor You Like: Don't know who that no one would know???
Actress You Like: I loved the late Anne Bancroft, she was a wonderful, funny actress and I was sad when I learned she'd died.
Movie You Like: Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen Movies :)
TV Show You Like: The OC (not that plenty of people don't love it... and not sure that it's really all that shocking that I like it... but whatever...)

Of the moment...
Quote: "Shit dude..." (what the hell else am I supposed to have on my mind at 6am? I'm going to bed, will finish this survey later... *L*)
Crazy Song: don't know....
Male Name: Nathan
Female Name: Isabelle
Celebrity Crush Male: Sean Bean, Karl Urban, there are just so many...
Celebrity Crush Female: Katherine Heigl... she's just fucking beautiful... I'm definatly more into guys, but I would not be opposed to kissing that girl, or looking like her, she's beautiful...

THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD
3 Friends: Andrea, Apryl, Holly
Ex-Crush: Drew
3 Movies: Legally Blonde, Blue Crush (I think cause we were talking about crushes *L*), The Ref
3 Brands: Kraft, Guess, Mead
Fast Food: Wendys
3 Days: Tuesday, Thursday, Friday
3 Cancelled Shows: Point Pleasant, Tru Calling, Roswell

GIVE UP!
If you could tell one person anything who and what would it be? I don't know...
One thing you think was "stolen" from you and by who... of course.: Um... I don't know...
Five People You're Glad You Had This Year and Why: I don't think I can pick just five... I think just about everyone I knew and saw this year and had any interaction beyond 'hello' with had some kind of impact on me...

Rambling... it's the one thing I'm good at...

Well, my mood has definatly crashed again... started a couple days ago, and has just kind of floated in this funk. Didn't help that today the sun was like no where to be seen... not that I even stepped outside my front door... nor yesterday... haven't been out of my PJs since like before noon on Thursday, except to take a couple showers and get into clean PJs. Made myself a new mix CD of a lot of those songs where I really like one or two on an album, and don't really listen to the rest of the CD much... mostly... been listening to it for a few hours now... just repeating...

I was supposed to go out tonight and go see a band at this club that I haven't been to see since last summer, and it was gonna be really cool cause my birthday was this week... so it was going to be almost like getting to do something fun around my birthday, which I haven't done in some time... but, well, apparently it was not to be... my friend got sick... I made a desperate attempt to phone a couple other friends in hopes of doing something, anything fun tonight,... but that was not to be either it would seem... since it's now after 1:30 am, and the night is pretty much over now... oh well, I suppose... that's just how it is... my birthday just isn't something to be celebrated anymore anyway... so it's probably for the best...

So, I've spent the day on and off sleeping, feeling depressed, and occationally letting slip a few tears... actually that's how I've spent the last 3 days... and probably what I'll be doing for the next two days also... Tuesday maybe I'll get out to my internship, just to break the cycle... spend a few hours behind the computer at school, cutting up video clips, and prepping them for being burned to DVDs... that's about the highlight of my life right now... the notion of going down to the school to do that... it means there's a chance I'll bump into other people who aren't my family, and perhaps by then the sun will return also... I don't know what's with these grey days, but they are really getting to me...

One of the saddest songs I think I've ever heard just started playing... even in a good mood it makes me want to cry... Sarah McLachlan's "Full of Grace"... perhaps the feeling is helped by the scene it played over in the season two closer of Buffy, but it's just so sad...

Thinking...

So tonight is a odd one, I started off by trying to have myself a little Harry Potter movie marathon when I flipped a channel and caught part of one on TV and then popped in the DVDs. I wound up sleeping through most of one and two though, and woke to watch three around 12:30 am and have also been online since. Now I'm actually sitting with my TV off for once, with music playing. Ingram Hill, I love this CD... but there is a definate longing to some of these songs... it's put my mind in an odd state. Although it was a place it was already headed anyway... I could tell this evening when at like 5pm I looked outside at the blue sky and sun, after days of grey and had the need to just go walk down to the book store for the sake of going outside. I have to admit, the grey of the last few days really got to me in an odd way. It also makes me really start to wonder how long I'll really be able to last in Portland. I don't mind some rain, and clouds.... but I do have a tendancy toward come March, if there isn't enough sun, I start to get depressed. And that joke from a Lou Black stand up starts to sound like a good idea.... then on the greyest day ever you think maybe you should cut your wrists just to see color... Now, I'm not in that state of mind right now... but I know I get that way sometimes... and while I do actually like it in November when the skys start to turn grey here in Northern California and the rain starts to fall... by Feburary I've generally had all I can take of the cold and the rain and the grey... and I'm ready for some sun, and the kind of sun that actually warms you up, not just the kind of sun that means it's going to be even colder than if it was raining buckets...

I just kinda started thinking while listening to the music and I guess feeling like as it always seems to go with me, things never will happen how I wanted them to... and the best I can really hope to get in reality is for things to just happen in a manner in which I can deal with them... I'm trying to find a quote or song, something to use for another entry on my LJ, but just can't seem to focus on anything... song to song, I get a feeling, but nothing I can seem to put into words, which is what sort of lead me here.

I've neglected so much online lately in an attempt to some how live a little, but the trouble sometimes with getting out a little, is that when I then end up cooped up in the house all day again I get restless to a point where I can't function how I normally would. From the time I got up till after my Harry Potter nap all I ate today was a mini ice cream sandwich, as small bowl of mac and cheese (cause I didn't have to make it), a cookie, and some blueberries... it wasn't very much food for what I normally will eat in a day... but it was one of those days where everytime I went into the kitchen and thought about eating, it kind of made me feel sick... I hate when the idea of food makes me feel sick...

I'm also thinking about Saturday too much and it's confusing me and fucking with my head... but then it seems like guys have tendancy to do that. Why is that... why is it that anything having to do with guys has to fuck my mind over like nothing else... it's really bloody obnoxious...

So, I know I'm all over the place with this entry, but, well.... fuck.... this is my journal, and I'll fuckin' ramble if I damn well please... HA!.... anyway... so I am turning 26 later this week... and thus my age offically will show I am closer to 30 than to 20 now... how weird is that... pretty weird if you ask me... I'm not really stressing on it or anything.... I just think it's a strange, strange thing... well, I'm not sure what else to say now... thinking I should try and sleep some more again...

Seeking Socialization...

So, it seems I'm in one of those desperately seeking socializing phases. I'm like really trying/hopeing to get something that resembles a social life. Saw wonderland guy again today, but we didn't get any alone time. So he was apparently 'behaving' himself so as not to get in trouble with me. *LOL* I told him I'd let him know if he was in trouble. But now, I'm not sure when I'm seeing him again... and well, I didn't really get to do the things today I'd hoped to do. Including particually getting to actually have a real conversation as opposed to just casual chat... may have to call my friend tomorrow and see if there's any chances before the 4th of July to get her brother up again, and if not, to get the word out on the 4th at least... cause that guy is in my head now, and I want to do something about it *L*.

Anyway... switching gears... Unfortunatly missed saying goodbye to a casual friend who left for home today. Hopefully will still get to speak to him online though, cause he's a really cool person. :) And if he reads this, I hope he knows I am talking about him. Cause well, he is really cool and I had a lot of fun hanging out and talking with him.

Tomorrow is father's day, so I'll probably make the standard call and leave message on my father's machine. It's what I do every year on his birthday and father's day.

I'm so itching for socializing... and well, a little time with guys... that I'm contemplating calling up this guy I almost went to the movies with, if it weren't for his being a lame ass... and saying 'so when do I get that movie you owe me?' *LOL* But it's been over a month or maybe nearly two now since then, and I'm thinking it's too late and it'd be lame to even bother... I'm just bored, and looking for some fun... *LOL*

Had to know it would come down...

...the good mood I mean...

And it did. My mom is in some ultra irritable funk lately, maybe it's her really plowing into menopause or something, but it's really not good for my stability either. I all but cried myself to sleep last night after she laid into me about how long my showers are. I'm really just hating being at home in my house a lot lately. She has this way of bitching about things that somehow makes me feel like it's somehow all my fault. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do to fix it all and make everything better. But in anycase, she managed to single handedly in less than 24 hours make me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Just when I was starting to feel a little bit good about myself of course. But then I guess I should have known better than to go feeling good about myself... that never works out...

Crazy Week

So, I've had just the most insane week, but it's been really cool. I think I mentioned my post graduation party weekend, which didn't end till monday evening *L*. Then Tuesday I found out that my friends found out they were moving, and so I went over, and have been over everyday since helping them move and such. Wednesday and Thursday two of her brothers (one is the brother mentioned in one of my VERY old journal entries from my old geocities journal). It was an interesting couple days. No idea what's gonna happen now, but it was certainly good for the ego. *LOL* Seeing as it's been like 4 years since the last time, and he still lives kinda far enough away, not sure when I'll see him again. Also, well, there wasn't a whole lot of conversation, and well, that's all well and good *L*... but I like to talk with someone also. Conversation is good, it's more than good, it makes for the building of friendships, which is probably one of the most important things in my book.

But anyway, yeah, so wild, crazy week... but I have really enjoied spending so much time with my friends. It seems like it's been forever, since I hardly saw her and her husband all semester cause we were all so bloody busy. And even though we've been working hard getting them moved and settled so fast, it's been nice to see them.

Graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*LOL*

Yeah, so I'm now a college graduate. I have a degree in communications. And now I have no idea what I'm doing... the chaos of what comes next... but, hopefully I'll have some fun too. I'm trying not to let myself get too stressed about all the what happens now stuff... If I dwell on it all too long, it'll probably drive me nuts... :p

So anyway, had a really crazy and fun weekend that started with graduation and ended well... whenever I got home, around 5:30pm ish this afternoon...

so, this is a short one I guess... just felt the need to update, for the sake of updating... *heh*

Been a while

Yeah, so I've been really bad about posting again, cause I guess I've just been destracted by real life going on. Kind of mentally consumed lately by college ending and chaos of summer impending etc... Have made a few attempts at getting to know a few of the people I found to be interesting better, not sure how much success I can say I've had. Pretty limited I think, but perhaps there will be a couple people whom I won't completely lose touch with, such as the two people who've actually invited me to things at the end of this semester.

It's all still pretty surreal... I have one final left tomorrow morning, but I'm not overly conserned about it. It's my Dino class and the exam is multiple "guess". *L* And if I figured properly, I could blow off the final entirely, take a Zero on it and still get a C+ in the class. So I figure even if I don't study, I ought to at least pull off a B in the class. It's really just those last two units I need to graduate... filler units... :p

So I graduate on Saturday, how weird is that? I'm sure it won't really hit me until I'm actually standing there in the cap and gown and looking around at all the other people dressed the same... weirdness... anyway...

End of one Road

So, my internship is pretty much over, tonight was the last show. There was a party after. Some people slipped out without saying goodbye... and I never did manage to actually say to anyone point blank, 'hey, we should hang out sometime soon'. So now I can't help but think that they for the most part, are kinda gone from my life now, and that's depressing. I'm really going to miss the internship and all the cool people who were a part of it.

If only I were a little bit bolder, little bit stronger, little bit more something... I guess now I can only hope that maybe in the next few weeks I'll at least run into some of them still at school, and maybe can have one last conversation with them. I nearly cried a few times, but kept it back... but now I'm sad... and I'm longing for class tomorrow where i might get some chances at socializing... and where there's couple other people who I should perhaps take a risk on trying to be friends with, invite them out to do something fun or something... but knowing my nerve... and my luck... it'll never happen... self defeatest... sucks...

Without a net

So, after the end of May, I will be flying without a net. No plans, no constants, just chaotic, terrifying free fall... I'm running out of time where I have any kind of ties to something, and possibly to sanity. I'm pulling through for the moment, but when left alone with my thoughts for too long without destraction I go into a near panic, worrying about what will become of me, of my life, where I'll be, what I'll do, how I'll make it, how I'll survive in the 'real world' as they call it. And if I'll ever be secure, if I'll ever make any new friends that will surive the time and space that will follow school. I don't want to just let go of all these people who maybe could be friends... but I'm so afraid to do anything, to just put myself out there and say what I feel, to express that I want to know them better than I do... that I don't want to just be passing classmates... because they seem cool... I'm fucking terrified, and I'm just trying to ward off the tears... I think I've been laughing more to avoid crying, but usually that only lasts for so long...

The End of April

Well, so it's the last day of April. Which, if my friend is reading this, Happy Birthday Apryl. :)

Anyway, so, I'm definatly in some kind of freak out, stressed out, melt down, kind of mode. One month left of school, that's it. I can't believe it. I'm feeling so lost and scared. I mean, yeah I'm excited too, and yes, it really is about time... I was kind of okay at school today... kind of... but now, sitting facing another weekend locked away in my house, save for maybe a trip to the video store... I'm getting depressed... and it doesn't help that my new comp doesn't seem to want to export the video I edited back to my camera. It just stops moving at 25%. Doesn't raise my confidence for when my real editing system comes. Which will be who knows when, it's apparently all back ordered. Seriously, nothing this semester has happened the way I'd wanted or hoped. I can already see all the regrets piling up behind me. And with nothing to look forward to beyond graduation day, all I can do is look back at all the things I should of, could have...

This just sucks... I need some kind of comfort... I need a friend... and people online are nice, there's at least a couple people there I can turn to, but it's just not the same as talking to someone face to face, or even at least hearing a familiar voice on the phone. But I really don't have anyone accessable right now. Apryl is half a world away in England, and Andrea is a few weeks from graduation herself from nursing school and she's virtually impossible to get a hold of these days. And beyond the two of them, there's no one else I feel close enough to to turn to when troubled. The few friends I have from school are kind of 'casual'. And I'm not sure I can trouble them with my stupid issues. Besides, most of them are pretty busy too. I want something to look forward to after graduation, I want people to talk to. I want to feel like I got more than a diploma and a pile of regret from college.

I know, I'm just saying the same shit over and over... but it's what's been weighing heavily on my mind these days. So, Mr. Blogger, you getting sick of listening to my crap yet? *heh*

Two Years

Well, I just noticed that it's been two years since I started this blog... weird... guess I'm in a posting sort of mood right now... maybe it's what comes of not posting for like a week... I don't know... anyway, thought I'd comment on it being two years... I've had some lags in posting along the way, some for several months... some like the last week, for a week or so... this lag has been due mostly to my not being online so much the last week, I've actually been avoiding being online... I think cause I've been so desperatly seeking interaction in the real world... and that so much of online lately has just been depressing me... just staring at the screen, and still not having much conversation...

Still having that chasing my tail feeling... in thinking on the two years... I've pondered on if much has really changed in all these years... so I mention it again, but having the thought again... but I think I've beat that one to death at this point... I think I'm beating the risk/regret thing to death also... but, guess it's just what's going on in my head ... what keeps going on in my head... what it always comes back to... to the same wants, desires, feelings... and so I continue to feel stuck in this place mentally... in this head space that is probably not all to good for me... but so it goes... anyway... anyone think I should just shut up yet?

Fear

So I turn on some music and think again of all the things I wish I had the nerve to say, to shout to the world. In some vain attempt to connect, to reach someone who perhaps feels like I do... but somehow I think my fears will forever get the better of me, that they will rule me for life... and that all this stuff will simply be locked up inside for the life of me... and yet the fear doesn't even make sense... I'm pretty convinced I'll never see any of the people I know right now again once graduation day passes, yet I fear just letting it out... I guess I don't want to be judged... the fear of a bad reaction prevents the desire to just let it all out... but if I never see any of them again, what does any of what I do matter... logic would say I may as well just say what I want to say and let it go... and maybe find some kind of therapy in the action... but, not sure it will happen, even if logic tells me I have nothing of value to lose in the attempt... no one but me stops me... I've been stopping myself from really living life for so long, fears that just consume anything else... yet, none of those fears do me any good, they don't save me from the bad things, they only keep me locked up inside myself, inside all these walls I've built around myself...

It all comes back down to the same things... the same things I've been saying to myself self here for weeks and weeks... I fear taking the risks and end up living with the regrets... and for as much as I tell myself the risk is better... because even if it causes pain, it's all clear and can be sorted through... I can't seem to actually let go of the fears I hang onto... I hang onto them for dear life, even though they are what is slowly choaking the life out of me...

Rambling on... anticipating...

So, I sat down today, alone, in a hallway at school... which was mostly unbusy, seeing as it was Saturday... and tried to do this thing for my video class, this one project that I've kind of put off for several weeks now... for two reasons, lack of ideas, and lack of ability to actually shoot the ideas I do have... yeah, convienient... been starting to wonder if all this wanting to connect with other people is just stupid... if I should just try and make myself do without it... why do I feel like I need to anyway... why should I need anyone beyond my house? I don't know... it's all very frustrating...

I somehow had these expectations for college, what it would be, what I'd come out of it with... and aside from the actual education, I haven't gotten any of it. I recall many people through the course of like high school telling me that college would be the place where I'd meet most of the people who would be like 'life long friends'. Well, I'm not sure that I've connected with anyone such that any of them will want to try and stay in contact, stay connected once graduation day comes and goes... and that makes me sad... after the education, the thing I'd most hoped for, and wanted from my college experience, was feeling like I'd made a few really good friends, people who would carry past my college career and into the rest of my life... but, somehow, that's seeming highly unlikely to happen...

I still feel like my fears are holding me back... and that I've screwed up yet another stage of my life, that will never be gotten back. I've missed out on so many things that most people experience... things that are sort of considered social, and development milestones... I'm starting to realize just how many milestones are missing along my path... how I've really not gone very far... I'm just so far behind, that it seems almost hopeless that I'll ever get down that road that I thought I'd be on, that I wanted to be on...

I feel like life as I know it ends in like a month... and because everything is so unknow at that point, I don't have anything I'm looking forward too... all the things I'm wanting, hopeing for, anticipating, are all confined to the coming month... after that... there's nothing... I'm staring into a void that begins the summer... and it's making me crazy... it's stressing me out... it's freaking me out... it's totally fucking terrifying...

Week gone by

So, it's been like a week since I posted anything in any blog/journal thingy. I'd like to say that it was just that eventful of a week, but... Not that it wasn't busy, but mostly like school busy. Paired with, just didn't feel like being online if I didn't have to be. Although I did have a fun, and weird Friday. Won't go into detail, cause, well, tired, and don't feel like it... it wasn't like life altering in anyway, just odd, but in a good way. The rest of the weekend was mostly uneventful. Had a couple meeting for various projects, but that was it, and the usual errands to run. The rest of my blog/journals will probably continue to wait a few days for updates... cause, well, just tired, and just dropping in a moment before running off to bed. I've passed most of my boldness I had about a month ago, little less. But I think I'm over it now. Though I should attempt other acts of boldness... new and different ones... but we'll see, may not happen... you know like talking to strangers and such. :p
I'm still desperatly seeking something resembling a life outside my computer/house/etc... a social life bascially... still looking... had a couple good spots the last week, and a few hints also that there were set backs... anyway... I think that's it for now...

This one may not make a lot of sense...

like the title says... cause well, yeah I'm censoring myself again... But anyway, I'd wanted to really try and follow as was suggested by someone the other day and just ask a couple casual questions in the search for information and well, didn't get the chance... just no chance... maybe that's meant to show the whole picture... just no chance...

The good point of the day, the best point was probably this morning when I bumped into this girl who'd been in my drama class like a year and a half ago. She actually said 'hey' first and remembered my name and everything. We stopped and chatted for several minutes in the parking lot. I was on my way home after my class, and she was headed to a meeting. She commented on something that I also find kind of frustrating, that you meet all these cool people in classes, but then once the class is over, it's like the friendships you thought you were making in class, just vanish. That's what has been stressing me out a lot lately. The idea that these people who I've met in classes and such, who are cool people, I'm never gonna talk to again once graduation comes. I don't want them all to vanish, they are cool. She told me about this speaker she's arranging coming in May, it's part of her studies... like a senior project kind of thing. I might have to see about going, just to help support her project and say 'hi' again.

I fear tomorrow I will be desperatly bored and desperate for socialization outside my house or my computer. It seems the last few days I can't go more than like an hour in my house without getting restless. So much so, along with being just really sleepy, drove me to bed at like 10pm last night. Which is way weird for me... I'm normally up till like 2am... my sleep is off, my mind is off... I'm really off right now... it's a tad disconcerning... but then maybe it's just me...

What is Love?

Okay, not sure where this thought came from... well sort of do. I was having a rather extensive conversation today with some people in my class, and we were talking about families, and guys, and such. (We were all females) And one of the gals mentioned how there are very few real men out there, particularly in our society. One of the other gals mentioned her father, and how he's been like the only person who totally unconditionally showed her love and caring. Which got me thinking about my dad, and mentioned some stuff to them. The first gal nodded about the 'see' some guys will just always be guys... not men.

For the like 12 years my parents were married, my father never wore a ring. And I don't think he ever wanted that husband father role. He was 29 when I was born, and I was quite plainly an accident. I have a feeling it was my dad's Irish Catholic upbringing that made him feel like he had to marry her if she wasn't going to have an abortion. (which in only recent years, like since high school has my mom mentioned that he had mentioned that to her... and had previously gotten another woman pregant and she did have an abortion... anyway...) So, I must say that all of that knowledge never did wonders for my worth or feeling of acceptance... but anyway...
I also recall my mom saying, and in thinking of it... My dad never said 'I love you' to my mom. She'd say it to him, and he'd pull one of those 'yeah', 'uh-huh', or 'me too' things... the scary part is, I've become like that too. Not that I've ever been in love like romantically... but like with family and stuff... the word love is not one that comes easy to me... and often the times I force it out, it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. Not because I'm lying, or that I don't feel the love... I just can't stand the word for some reason. I also have trouble hugging people... which is probably a related issue...

And if you really look at it, I'm not the first to notice this... L-O-V-E.... count up the letters... there's 4 of them. Love is a four letter word. And one that's much more dangerous, and potentially distructive and hurtful than a word like shit or fuck. So, why do people get themselves into this feeling? Well, because it seems to be something that's almost needed to us as people. We need it in some form or another, even if it's simply the love of a faithful furry friend. I mean, that's why dogs are called man's best friend. That's why they say that owning a cat can extend one's life. Because there is another being to love and be loved by. It makes us feel good, feel happy, feel... well, loved. Love is a sign of acceptance, caring, comfort.

So, well, that kind of worries me. I have trouble even saying love to my cats. Now that doesn't mean I don't love them, because I very much do. Same with my family. And my very close friends. I have love for them all. I'd like to think they have it for me too. But it's not a word I can seem to form very easily, for any of them... I'm concerned that without ever even having been in love, I've managed to grow up with a very bad vision of love, and an aversion to the word it's self.

Revealing...

So I sit, in the middle of the night, thinking about my life and who I am, who I'd wanted to be. All those things I never did, all those chances at things I've let pass me by for fear of not getting it all perfectly right. Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do. I mean, comparatively, my life really isn't all that bad. So who am I to complain about all this, by comparison, meaningless shit that I let eat away at me. None the less, I can't help this feeling inside, that voice that reminds me of all those things I want, that with every passing moment feel farther and farther from my grasp. But then I wonder if I really even know what I want, what I need. Do I only think I want things, because that's what other people, society seem to all want. I try so hard to find a contentment in myself, but it's hard. It's really hard sometimes. I have an impulse to reach out and connect with other people, yet I can't seem to. I'm too scared, or socially inept, or something. And then I wonder why I should even need other people? I've heard it's human nature or something, that contact with other people is just something we as a species need. Well, if that's true then I think it explains a few things anyway. However, it doesn't help the situation. I used to think I was pretty good at making new friends, but as I think back seriously even to elementary school, I'm not sure I was. I sometimes could get up the nerve to approach the 'new kid', because I felt like they didn't have any friends yet, so they might welcome someone introducing themselves. Like perhaps they would need me in some way, if only for a few day until they got comfortable and met some more people. But in situations where people already know other people, I just lose all nerve. I become unable to just walk up and say 'hello'. It's not like 'hello' is really a high risk word or anything. Generally most people don't react badly to a 'hello'. Yet, I'm too afraid to use it. And thus have cut myself off from the rest of the world. From other people. Yet, all that stuff from the other side of my little wall still seeps through to get to me. But none of what I build up inside can get out. So everything just sits surrounding me until I can't take it any more. I want to tear down these walls. I hate them. They haven't spared me any of the hurt I'd hoped they would. They have only cause me more pain, pain I still don't feel like I have any right to have. Everyone's got problems. The world is full of fucking problems that make mine look pathetic. And so I can't bother others with my problems, because they all have problems of their own. They don't need mine too. And so the wall grows bigger. I want to rip this fucking wall down. I want to not be afraid of what's out there. I want to connect to the people around me. I want to have hope. I want to not hurt and regret my whole life. I want to need, and be needed. I want to be who I am, and be content with that. I'm just not so sure how...

A few answers

Well, in just the last couple hours, a couple of answers have been forthcoming... and unfortunatly, they were NOT the ones I wanted. Figures I suppose... I went and got honestly hopeful... and nope...

But anyway... so, now we push on... cause the risks don't stop there... there are many more to go... and we'll have to see how many I'm willing to go through... in the hope of hitting a right door... or whatever...

Despite the obvious disappointment of things, as always, not going my way... I have some of the answers that I was seeking... they weren't the ones I wanted, no. But they are answers none the less. Sitting clearly for me to see now, and for me to deal with. And that is good... it tends to be the not knowing that drives me crazy... and even if the answers are not my way, I have something there to deal with... I can sort through it, be sad about it if I need to, deal with it, and move on from it... so that's what I am working on right now... it's sorting... I'm a little down... but i'm not as scattered and crazed as before... so the dealing is in process... hopfully the moving on part follows quickly... like, tomorrow would be good...

Revisit: Risk & Regret

So this has been a hot topic on my mind the last few days... considering the risks I have taken (however few)... and those I was too afraid to take (many more)... and the outcomes, and how I felt after... and how I look back now at the situations... do I regret any of the risks? or do I only regret the 'what ifs'? I think it really is mostly the 'what ifs' that end up in my regret pile, sitting down the road for me to continually look back at. The risks, even when it wound up hurting or not how I'd hoped... I don't regret taking the chance. Because at least I got a decisive outcome, and I could cope, get over it... move on. I know, I'm repeating myself... but I think it bares repeating if for no other reason then I need to get it in my head. I need to make myself realize it, or believe it... so that perhaps I will have the nerve to risk a little, risk being rejected, risk maybe things being a tad weird... cause if I don't risk it, and nothing happens, I'll just end up 'what iffing' till I drive myself nuts...

I had made a post last night on how weird I was feeling, how my sleep was off and how at my internship last night I felt like I needed to jump up and down and nap all at the same time... unfortunatly Blogger decided to take a spaz when I sent it, and it was completely lost... anyway... that's it for now...

Yet another bloody survey...

Stole this from Manny's LJ, which I guess he stole from someone else, who snagged it from yet someone else... *LOL* I seem to be making a hobby out of theving surveys from other people's blogs and LJ's. *L*


TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF -

Name: Meegan
Birthday: June 1979
Birthplace: California
Current Location: California
Eye Color: Blue/green/grey
Hair Color: brown
Height: 5'3 1/2
Right Handed or Left Handed: right
Your Heritage: 1/2 Irish (and don't know what the other half is, so I pretty much just identify myself as Irish)
The Shoes You Wore Today: Black chunky things with laces.
Your Weakness: Um... what just one?
Your Fears: again, lots...
Your Perfect Pizza: mushroom & double pineapple
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Graduate College and NOT have a nervous breakdown
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: 'ah' probably... that or my tendancy to go '...' all the time
Thoughts First Waking Up: '5 more minutes'
Your Best Physical Feature: Um... don't know...
Your Bedtime: whenever... sometime after midnight
Your Most Missed Memory: missed memory... this question doesn't make anymore sense now than it did on the last survey that asked it... If I could remember it, it wouldn't be missing... :P *heh*
Pepsi or Coke: neither, I don't do sodas...
MacDonalds or Burger King: eh... not really partial one way or the other... don't eat much of either...
Single or Group Dates: I don't really date...
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: eh... not sure I've drank much of either...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Strawberry... :p

Cappuccino or Coffee: Mochas... only coffee drink I drink
Do you Smoke: nope
Do you Swear: hell yeah! *heh*
Do you Sing: only in the car with the music up loud enough to drown me out...
Do you Shower Daily: usually not, usually every other day... I think my hair would have a spaz on me if I tried to wash it daily...
Have you Been in Love: Nope... never
Do you want to go to College: In college, nearing in on graduation... and starting to freak out about it...
Do you want to get Married: I'm thinking not...
Do you believe in yourself: not so much...
Do you get Motion Sickness: no, not really...
Do you think you are Attractive: eh...Are you a
Health Freak: hell no
Do you get along with your Parents: Mom, yeah... Dad is best in small infrequent doses... we had a rocky time during my teens (and no, not cause I was like insane out of control... but more cause he was a control freak, and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough... )
Do you like Thunderstorms: Sure, so long as they don't do any damage... and my TV keeps working...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Nope
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date: no, unfortunatly...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yeah, was picking up the bro at Lens Crafters
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Never
In the past month have you been on Stage: nope
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope... but that's because and why I don't date... rejection avoidance...
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: never
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: nope
Ever been Drunk: nope... only slightly buzzed once
Ever been called a Tease: nope
Ever been Beaten up: nope
Ever Shoplifted: nope
How do you want to Die: don't know... gently...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: filmmaker...

Where would you most like to Visit: hmm... either England cause my best friend lives there or Hawaii cause it looks HELLA nice there.

In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue
Favourite Hair Color: Dark (but I'm not to choosy on either of these first two counts)
Short or Long Hair: short ... but there are some guys who can pull off the long hair thing and look hot...
Height: at least a bit taller than me...
Weight: eh... whatever as long as it's not obese and it suits him...

Best Clothing Style: Not sure if this goes above or not... if it's a guy: t-shirt and jeans sort... me: whatever's comfy...

Number of Drugs I have taken: Um... not a lot... all strictly of the asprin or cold relief variety
Number of CDs I own: lots... I'm not gonna count them...
Number of Piercings: 4 (2 in each ear... pretty standard... nothing odd or unique or interesting...)
Number of Tattoos: None... but I want one...
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Oh my... we're not gonna go there... read the Risk and Regret post from the other day...

Risk and Regret

Like when I was really down and most of my drabbles followed that feeling, I'm starting to see a pattern to my last couple drabbles. Only this time they are, well, lusty, flirty, etc... Totally wacky... anyway, yeah... totally got boys on the brain.... again... so many cute boys around... it's amusing and destracting... can't believe how much of this semester has already passed... it's like half over now... and like due dates for things are fast approaching... it's insane...breathing... gotta breathe or I'll freak out... can't think too long about anything, or it will overwhelm. Which I definatly don't need. I guess I just feel like there is so much left undone, that I feel like I'll never get to do, and then it'll all be lost to time, like so many other things.

I had a couple bold moments last week... and I really wish I could keep it up... be a little braver, little stronger, little more successful... but I'm just not sure that when face to face with people, I can muster the nerves to be a little more... but I feel like if I don't, I'll only regret it all in the end... and I'm really tired of regrets... I always try not to dwell on those things skipped over, and paths not taken in life... and usually I can keep those things out of mind for the moment, but sometimes it all rushes at me. I don't want to spend more time just building up more regrets. I don't need more regrets, I've already got plenty of them. I want to feel like I tried at least, so that I don't later turn around and go, "I should have done that like that..." But I'm also so afraid of the mistakes that can be made, of the things that can work out all wrong... I also don't really fancy the idea of turning around and feeling like I fucked something all up because of something I did... I've got some of that too... but I'm trying to think if there was a time where I did take a shot at something where I didn't know the outcome, and it didn't go quite right, wound up not the way I wanted... and if it felt nearly as bad as all those things I didn't push hard enough at, that I shyed away from for fear of what would happen, and then later regretted... I'm not sure if there is... maybe it is best to take the risks, because then at least if it turns out not how you want... yeah you have some possible pain or bad feeling about it, but it's none the less right there in front of you to sort out and make sense of, even if it's not what you wanted from it. It's clear, you can make peace with it if you understand it and know you took a shot. But if you never try, the 'what ifs' will never let you rest... they will haunt you years later down the road...

But fear is a powerful thing still. And I have a powerful fear responce. Once it kicks in, it's really hard to get past. It has probably kept me from doing and trying a great many things. Some of those things, it's probably not a bad thing that it kept me from jumping and trying some things. However, perhaps I need to really work on gauging the potential fall out factor. Things that could have actual long term ramifications, perhaps I should listen a little harder to the fear response. But things that are minor, where it's more about me exposing some part of myself and potentially feeling a little embarassed if I'm wrong, or am not listened to, or am brushed off none the less... those are things that can be frustrating, painful, and hard at the moment, where perhaps even you feel for a bit like sinking into a hole for a while... but after a little bit, you deal, get over it, and decide it's not the end, and move on... and then, you don't have any regrets either... because you braved a little and took a shot at something, and good or bad in the end, you have a result that you can deal with, instead of being left staring at a lot of questions of 'what if'.

Draining...

So, I suddenly feel kind of drained of energy, and 'perk'. I was way over energetic earlier... and for the last week been all reved... and now I'm having at least a momentary drop off. Could be watching this Lifetime movie about people with real problems... or maybe I've just exausted myself after some chatter last night and this morning... I don't know... and now after the day got greyer and greyer... it's now raining... which is alright, seems to suit at the the moment... I'm not like sad or depressed or anything... just kind of drained, out of it, verging on numbish...

And sometime tonight I have to pull out at least one of those bins under my bed and toss some shit from it... because I'm told I have to... whatever... anyway... am supposed to do some thing for video... like short thing... still have no idea... but whatever... figure something out eventually... probably... anyway...

Just rambling... as usual

I'm having a weird mood. Stayed up till like 10am this morning, and then slept till like 4pm. My sleep is offically wacked... *L* funny how that happens literally EVERY time I don't have school or work to regulate when I need to sleep. So tonight is the time change and all that.. Spring forward! :p Whatever, I swear, that time change shit is all just to fuck with the minds of people who have to talk to people internationally... Cause it's a real bitch trying to figure out what time it's supposed to be in Austraila or the UK on a normal basis, but toss in time changes that happen at different times and go different ways if we're dealing with Austraila, and everything goes nutty... Finally got around to updating my other blogs last night. The drabble (which I need to try and tend to more often), the photo blog (which I need to either take some more pictures or scan some more old ones), and my LJ quotes journal. Which now I have some more quotes for, cause last night/this morning when I was online and bored, I spent like an hour or more sitting on this one site reading famous quotes from famous people. Spent most of the time reading quotes from Sartre, Shakespeare, Twain, and Nietzsche.

My latest drabble has no basis in my reality... just my over active imagination... which played a scene much like that a few days ago while trying to go to sleep... *L*... but, anyway... that's beside the point... I am thinking of making another LJ post using one of the Twain quotes I found and illustrating it less with words than with an image... not sure though... we'll see if any Pieces of Wisdom end up with photo imagery...

Tattoo Dream Boy... and some other stuff...

So, following my post yesterday, I did end up having a pretty cool day on Thursday. Chat was fun... and then my internship was fun. Noticed that the hot guy who I think in one of my surveys I may have mentioned turned up in a dream I had, that he's got a tattoo on the back of his neck. :) Noticed after a little convo with him in which there was a lot of smiling and eye contact. I like that. *L* Then when he was leaving to go to the control room I glanced after him and noticed the tattoo. I'm not gonna name names, although I think I'm pretty safe as this blog isn't read by too many people, and I'm not sure that anyone I actually know face to face even knows where to find it. And if they do, I'm further not certain that they'd know who he is. *LOL* Anyway... the tattoo proved a good opener to a second slightly longer conversation with him a little later at the snack table. *LOL* And I've finally figured out who he reminds me of. It's not so much he really looks like this actor, but they have a similar quality to their looks. (Which I think I'd define as a little devilish, and mysterious.) The actor he shares qualities with is Nicholas Lea (Alex Krycek from The X-Files). Anyway, so, yeah... was a good day. Had a third conversation with him also, briefly about the bottled water we were drinking. *L* I know it doesn't sound exciting, but it was very joking and included yet more smiling and eye contact. *L* Oh, and I did ask, the tattoo is Japanese and means balance. He asked if I had any tattoos... I don't... but have wanted one for about 10 years now, since I was like 15. Same thing, same place. I want a sun, like this pendant I have, on the back of my left shoulder. I just need to get over the fear of the pain factor and do it. *L* Cause it'd be cool... and seeing as it's been 10 years and my thought as to what and where has not changed, I'm probably pretty safe in doing it and not ending up hating the thing later.

Yeah, so, I think this may be the first entry in a while in which I've talked so much or so specifically about one guy, well a guy I actually know and not some public figure male who's like an actor or athlete or something. *L* I just don't usually do that. The last one may have been before Blogger actually. Last one I really recall off hand was my journal from late July 2001 I think, in which I talked about my friend Andrea's brother who I spent a good deal of the 4th of July that year flirting with and well... things got a tad cozy in the back seat... nothing too much of anything though, seeing as well, there were like 5 other people in the car at the time. *L* But yeah, not sure what possessed me, guess it's the left over rush of probably the most exciting day of my whole spring break, not just cause of Tattoo Dream Boy (gotta love a nick name like that *L*) ... but cause of all the stuff in the day that lead up to that... all my boldness and such *L*. Which no, I still will not detail. But yeah... *L* felt like sharing a little... probably had to share that so I wasn't tempted to share the other stuff from earlier that day, which I do intend to keep to myself... :p

Yeah so, I just decided to title the post after my new 'extended' nickname for the guy... previously he'd just been Dream Boy (cause he'd turned up in a dream I had, totally random, and unfortunatly can't recall what the dream was about or why he was there *L*)... now that I've seen the tattoo, I've extended the nickname *L* ...to Tattoo Dream Boy... *L*... anyway... *hehehe*

Daring? Me? *hehe*

Yeah, okay so last night I did something a little daring. A little more daring then would normally be me. What exactly that is, I won't say. *L* But there may be a person or two who may know what I mean. It was fun, exciting... totally not something I'd have thought I'd do a couple months ago. I really think I need to try and be more daring, more bold. At least occationally. Doesn't have to be all the time, or even super frequently... but just from time to time. To break out of this little shell I like to tuck myself away into. Like a hermit crab making that daring break to nab a new and cooler shell. *LOL*

Hopeing this is the start to a very fun, and good day. :)

Just finished watching the Buffy episode "Hush". Which is quite possibly one of the most brilliant hours of television ever made. Joss is genius. Now watching The Practice... episodes with James Spader. *L* James Spader is just amazing... his attitude just makes him incredibly sexy! *LOL*

Online Quiz

Okay, so I'm not one to generally post up my results from online quizzes. Which doesn't mean I don't take them. I see them often in other people's blogs, LJs, and such, and often follow the link and take the quiz myself. However, I pretty much never post my own results to my blog or anywhere else for that matter. For me, my blog isn't just some place to display quiz results, though for some people that's generally what they use their's for, which is totally legitimate, just not what I generally care to use mine for. Mine is more for venting, ranting, rambling, etc... But I'm online and bored again, and tonight I've taken up taking online quizzes again. Not abnormal for me when bored, I often take quiz after quiz when bored. Tonight I have been on QuizFarm and took many quizzes... still on it now... will probably take another quiz as soon as I'm done posting... but just felt like sharing the results of this one quiz...

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's" Wikipedia User Page... Existentialism 100% Hedonism 95% Nihilism 70% Justice (Fairness) 65% Utilitarianism 55% Kantianism 50% Strong Egoism 50% Apathy 20% Divine Command 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.02) created with QuizFarm.com

yeah... so... umm...

So, not really sure what to say right now... the only thing happening is, well, shitty... we're gonna have to get a plummer in this week to try yet again to fix the leak that won't go away. My mom's freaking out cause the house really is basically falling appart and she has no idea how we're gonna move and sell the place. Etc, etc... yadda, yadda, yadda... anyway, so it sucks and is a big pain in the ass... The only other plan for the week so far is grocery shopping and Thursday night I have the usual shoot for my internship. Must do a little online research also for the project I'm helping on... just cause, well, it's not like I don't have the time... cause I do... got lots of time to do nothing... at least nothing that can really be catagorized as real fun... Right now, I'm expecting that the shoot on Thursday will actually be the funnest thing I do all of Spring Break... yeah, so... anyway...

Impending Lameness of Spring Break

So, just about everyone I know at school has some kind of fun plans for Spring Break, including the one or two who are staying in town for the week. They at least are planning to spend lots of time with their significant other (don't have one of those), is getting their house to themselves, and/or getting to stay someplace else cool to house sit, or have some kind of other plans for the week. Me, I'm maybe going to see about amusing myself by going to a couple movies during the week, alone of course... but then I used to do that a lot... maybe I should make a point of seeing more movies by myself. But aside from solo trips to the movies, I'm going to be just sitting around at home and working on my internship... as we're gonna obviously be short handed next week, because most everyone else is well, going away for Spring Break.

Yeah, 8 years of college, and I've never had an exciting Spring Break. It always goes like this. When I was working I'd pick up extra hours that week, when I didn't I'd just sleep in more. But that's always been about the extent of my 'fun' for Spring Break. Eh... so it goes I guess... nothing I can do about it now... it's too late and it's too bad... anyway... I probably wouldn't enjoy going someplace warm and tropical anyway, right?

For the Solitary

So, I forced one thing out of my mind, by using another thing to fill it's space. Now that thing I used to replace needs to get out of my head... so I'm hoping that during Spring Break, and maybe some trips to the movies alone will kind of force me back into my aloneness and into that imaginary world that is all that I have to really thrive on. Course it may have been what lead me to this place to begin with... but I've been content here, at least once in a while, so I'll have to try to be again. To try and learn, for real, to live in solitary. No one else can every truly be counted on... Think I may have just thought of what my next LJ entry will come from... The sad thing is, that I've said these words many times before, yet somehow they won't stick. I've had this conversation with myself before... as far back as high school, I've tried to make that notion stick.

It usually works for a little while, but then I either become desperate for socializing again, or I become so horribly mistrustful of everyone else that I just sink down into myself... and then there are the times when both happen at once, and that's never a good place... I just don't know what to do now... I really should go back to that entry I made some months ago... Just Shut Up!... it really is the best idea... just shut up... no one wants to hear it, no one needs to hear it... I just need to get over this shit... and accept my fucked up little pathetic excuse for a life the way it is...

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE FUCK OVER IT... STUPID GIRL!

Realization of Fucking Reality

You ever have a moment where you just realize that you were right all along about the fucking sad reality of your life, and that it's just how it's gonna be... how it was fucking ment to be. Well, I was clearly someone who was never ment for love or relationships, or feeling close to people. Maybe it's just not even in my nature, my personality. Maybe it's only something I think I want in the most desperate of moments. What the fuck do I even want or need with a guy. What the hell would I even do with one? I have no fucking idea, therefore I shouldn't have any use for one right? Good, let's keep that in mind...

I really am starting to believe (maybe again) that I'm just not meant to have any of that shit... friendship, romance, sex, love, human contact, etc... I'm just not supposed to have any of it... I'm not supposed to need it, so I really should stop thinking that I want any of it... I don't... repeat that... I don't want any of that shit! Yeah, we'll see if I can make myself believe that shit... who knows, it's possible, I've made myself believe crazier, more fucked up shit then that before...

Watching

I was thinking today in the car on the ride home, and realized, I really do have a voyeristic tendancy. I love to watch things happen. Course I've known for a long time I'm not so much the joiner type as the observer type. Doesn't mean that I pick up on every little detail, I just pick up on what's of interest to me, what catches my attention, which may or may not be the obvious thing happening in front of me. My group in my video class started tossing around ideas for our improv and then shot a bit of it, and in doing so, a more extencive idea occured to me. I now have another project I want to do for the class, I still want to do the first one too though. But now I want to do this like reality inspired bit, in the girl's room... a sort of 'tales from the girls room'... all the weird stuff that goes on in the girls bathroom, gossip, random talk, fixing makeup, adjusting clothes (specifically thinking of adjusting the boobs *L*). I started thinking back to like junior high, to those school dances, where half the excitement of the night, and half the interesting stuff went down in the girl's bathroom. Gossip, trash talk, crying, girly talk, etc... all shot while never really revealing who you're looking at. All body parts. Eyes, lips, hands, chests, feet... it's an idea. We also got talking about a sort of 'expressive feet' idea, from this same base idea we had for our improv. One of the gals in my group was talking about how expressive just a person's feet can be. I'd be interested in doing something with that also... So many strange and interesting ideas... and then there's my original story that I still want to shoot, where in we bascially see three different parts of the same person, all physcially present at once. The Body, The Girl, The Soul... it's a little off beat, and different, but that's why I like it, it's not something I've seen a million times...

But when I was driving home and thinking about the idea of the girls' room stories, and then glanced in the rear view mirror, which at one point I'd been thinking that there could be potential for a series of photos 'in the rear view'... and what I realized about both those ideas, is they are very much in the vein of many of the photos I took in my photography classes. Something I've had several people comment on upon seeing the photos, that there is a very voyeristic quality to them. The photos are candid in nature, best if no one notices or at least cares that I'm there taking the picture... catching moments that seem almost private, even in public places. One image for example was of three boys gathered around together in a very tight circle, seeming to all be looking at something. I do like watching people, or other animals... also on the way home I found myself at a red light, and was destracted from everything else for a moment by this crow on the side of the road who was trying to eat something.

Anyway... just felt like saying that... it's an odd bit about me, that may or may not be fairly clearly noticable to anyone else who might see me... but, is something I note now, because it is a tendancy of mine, a part of my personality... and something that I was in particular noticing today...

Rambling and shit (or Anticipating another lame weekend)

Okay, so the week was generally a good one, however I think my weekend may be shit before it even starts. Basically what I was looking forward to this weekend, in all likely hood, ain't gonna happen, and everything else this weekend is just stuff to do, or nothing to do... And I'm already bored as hell...Have to do some little family thing Saturday, which might not be terrible, but seems like with my mom's family is always just a tad stressful these days (by these days I mean like the past 5 or so years...) .... anyway... so, yeah... trying not to let the vague disapointment of the impending weekend bring me totally down though... I mean, it's not like I normally do anything shockingly fun over the weekend. It's generally filled with running errands, watching movies I've seen a zillion times, and occationally a new rental I haven't seen, and bumming around online. And at least this weekend still has a few chances to get out of the house to do things that aren't just grocery shopping, so... anyway, might not be all bad anyway... but probably won't be as fun as I'd hoped, nor will it deliver what I'd been anticipating...

I'd been planning to go out to a club Saturday night, but the friend I was gonna go with is probably gonna back out due mostly to the cost, and further complications of having a lot of homework... all of which I totally understand, it's cool... I just wish I had someone else to invite. But she was kind of my only other option, as my friend I normally go with is like insane busy with studying for a slew of exams she has coming up. And well... One & two... they are pretty much my entire social circle... I have no one else to invite... BAH!... and where the fuck did I get that term? I have a feeling it's those people on my message boards and chats... I know I've seen people use that excessively, I just never used it myself till, like, this week... but, whatever... eh... yeah, so... okay... guess that's it now...

Sometimes It's Just Better to Say Less...

Okay, was going to make a post, about some cool stuff the other day... but decided, nah, I'll keep it to myself. So, I'm posting this instead... yeah, self censorship, not nessisarily a bad thing... hell, can often be a good thing... I mentioned the other day to someone about wondering about what someone else was thinking at a particular moment, and was convinced that it's best not to know... *L* there are reasons why people don't say every little thing they think... if we did, we'd probably all drive ourselves and everyone else nuts... and freak each other out... often... *LOL*... anyway... yeah, so I'm self censoring my Tuesday... but suffice to say, it was a good day, and that good mood has carried through Wednesday as well... Hopeing for some more roll over into Thursday... hell, then I've almost got the makings of a pretty cool week... *L*

Little Better Than Okay...

So, I'm actually doing alright so far this week. Monday was fun, even pretty social, considering it was just school, and then home. Laughed a lot, and even dared to get infront of the camera, on the condition I didn't have to look at it and edit after *L*. Talked to a lot of people, it was a good day. Today has been pretty mellow. Just had my Dino class this morning, and now online and have talked or am talking to a couple people. Later today I have an internship meeting, which is cool, they are usually not bad. There's some cool people there who keep things high energy and fun. :)

Been listening to Papa Roach's "Getting Away with Murder" CD in the car the last several days, and I actually really think it's also helped in just getting the frustrated energy out of my system. It was funny how I even discovered it. I was super bored online one day the other week and was browsing My Space, which I'd joined a few weeks ago (again as a result of online boredem). *L* And was just randomly browsing the profiles of everyone who does or did go to the high school I went to, and on this one person's bio found the song "Scars" was playing on their profile, and it just caught me.

So, I'm getting by for now... not feeling bad at the moment... hopeing it'll maybe last a while...

Big Ass Survey

Nabbed off the LJ of a friend of a friend... cause as per usual, it's late and I'm bored...

Name: Meegan

Nickname: Meg, Mimi, Meegy

Age: 25

Birth Date: June 1979

Sign: Cancer

Eyes: Grey-Blue-Greenish

Hair: Brown

Height: 5'3 1/2"

Pets: 3 cats

Bf/Gf: *heh* yeah, right, that'll happen

_Favorites_

Bands: The Calling, Low Millions, Michelle Branch, Christina Aguilera, Save Ferris, Dido... Newley discovered Papa Roach

Music Genre: Whatever genre all those people fit into...

Cereal: Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Cheerios, Blueberry Mornings, Cocoa Puffs

Jolly Rancher: Watermelon

M&M: Blue

Hangout: Don't have one, unless you count sitting at home on my computer a 'hangout'

Day: Sunday

Month: I'm not sure it makes much a difference anymore. I don't think there's a month in the year that I specifically look forward to anymore.

Season: Summer i guess,... but I kind of like them all these days

Shoes: Um, these little black slip ons that I have are cool

Restaurants: don't eat out much... Roundtable pizza's not bad...

Cars: 1960's models of the Mustangs

Person To Talk To Online: Sarai

Person To Talk To On The Phone: Andrea

_This Or That_

Boxer or Briefs: boxers

Plaid Or Striped: plaid I guess...

Alt. Or Rap: alternative

Ska Or Punk: don't know... maybe punk, but ska's cool too... loved Save Ferris

Classical Or Country: country

Salt Or Pepper: salt

Coke Or Pepsi: neither

Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb: neither

Sprite Or Seven up: neither.... I don't really do sodas...

Skittles-Original, Tropical, Or Wildberry: Original probably

Bleh Or Blah: eh...

Okay, Ok, Or O.K.: okay

Shake Or Stir: stir

Bright Colors Or Dark Colors: Dark

Snap, Crackle, or Pop: Pop snaps more than crackle... *heh*

Half Empty Or Half Full: well, depends on the mood, I probably veer a little more to the half empty though...

Sunshine Or Rain: Sun... but I don't mind some rain too

Sun Or Moon: both

Silver Or Gold: Silver

Frogs Or Toads: frogs I guess...

_Short Answer_

Left Handed Or Right Handed: right... but I'm fairly good with the left hand considering...

Are you Smart: sort of

What's your Middle Name: Hope

How Many Personalities Do you Have: at least a few... probably...

How Many Piercings Do you Have: two in each ear, the standard setting... pretty typical... hardly ever actually wear earings though

Tattoos: no, still want one though... but well, the pain factor concerns me...

Do you Read your Horoscopes: occationally

Do you Believe In That Stuff: eh... not much...

Can you Drive: yeah...

Do you Keep A Journal: several

What Languages Do you Know: English... tried to learn Spanish a couple times, but apparently I'm linguistically retarded...

Do you Like Cotton Candy: yes... it's sugar in fluffy form... :)

What Do you Sleep In: PJs

How Many Times Have You Moved Houses: 6 times... all by the age of 9... haven't moved since, but planning to move north to Portland or Seattle soon... kinda freaked out by that...

Is your Room Messy: yeah, a bit

Do you Like your Handwriting: not really, it's kind of an all over the place mess...

Do you Like Fingerpaint: guess... haven't fingerpainted since grade school though...

Do you Sleep With Stuffed Animals: yeah...gotta have something to cuddle sometimes, plus, their cute

Are you Ticklish: a bit... but I don't really recall how much or where... no one's tickled me in ages...

Are you A Morning Person: No...

_Hard Questions_

Would you Rather Burn To Death Or Freeze To Death: Neither sounds very pleasant...

Would you Eat A Bowl Of Live Crickets For 40,000: Um, I'm thinking no...

Where Do you Want To Live: California is good for me... but I probably won't be here much longer... and starting to wonder if once I leave, if I'll ever have the means to come back... I think I miss it and I haven't even gone yet... It's just a part of me...

Spell your Name Backwards: nageem

If you Could Have Any Animal For A Pet, What Would It Be: Cat

Ever Been To Belgium: Nope... never been out of the US at this point...

What's your Favorite Coin: um... penny maybe, cause it's different

_Describe your_

Pillow Cover: flannel, light in color

Sunglasses: familiar... been wearing this same pair for years now... copper colored wire, rectangularish lenses

Shoes: black, solid...

Cologne/Perfume: don't wear any...

CD In Stereo Right Now: I believe I've got Papa Roach: "Getting away with Murder" in my CD player currently

Makeup: really don't wear any except on the occation I go out someplace fun...

_Last Thing you_

Bought: Um...pizza bagel at school Friday...

Read: another chapter in "Wasteland" by Francesca Lia Block ... also Friday at school

Thought Of: Um... the answer to the last one...*L*

_Either/Or_

Tea Or Coffee: Tea

Beer Or Cider: Cider

Cats Or Dogs: Cats

Pen Or Pencil: Pen

Gloves Or Mittens: Gloves

Food Or Candy: Candy

Cassette Or CD: Shouldn't this be like CD or Download at this point? Does anyone even bother with cassettes anymore? I mean I don't have a CD player in my car, but that's what that adapter is for with the portable.

_You_

Want: comfort... it came to mind, so I guess so...

Need: piece of mind... or peace of mind... either or...

Live To: okay these questions are hard... I guess to just be... to create... to create and to be... ???

Make: images...

Want To Be: a filmmaker... but I'd take being a photographer also...

_Describe_

Your Heritage: Um... we don't know my mom's background... so my dad's is all I have... so... Irish...

The Shoes you Ware: Didn't I do this a couple sections back... their black and chunky and comfy

Your eyes: kind of dull colored... grey with a bit of green and blue at times...

One Thing you'd Like To Achieve: Um... contentment... with myself and the world

Your First Thoughts Waking up: Ugh....5 more minutes...

Your Best Physical Feature: um... I have no idea...

Your Bedtime: whenever I go to bed...

Your Greatest Accomplishment: Um... no idea...

Your Most Missed Memory: Don't ask me memory questions... I never have an answer for them...

_You Prefer_

Pepsi Or Coke: I think this was asked before too...

McDonald’s Or Burger King: hmm... don't know that I care...

Adidas Or Nike: Adidas on the grounds that I still own one of their jackets from like 12 years ago, and it still keeps the rain out...

Chocolate Or Vanilla: Hmm... depends on the mood I think...

Cappuccino Or Coffee: Don't know...

_DO you_

Smoke: No

Cuss: Sure as Shit... *heh*

Have A Crush(es): Yeah, a few, that I need to get out of my head... nothing but a nusance... cause it's not like there's any fucking point to having them, all they do is distract from everything else, because it's not like they are ever going to be anything more than crushes... complete waste of fucking time...

Who are They: If any were attainable I might mention it, but since they aren't, it's really not worth mentioning now is it...

Want To Go To College: Already there, and hopefully nearly done...

Like High School: Make that DID I like high school... and for the most part, no...

Want To Get Married: Not really

Type With your Fingers On The Right Keys: yes... about the only thing I got out of that fucking typing class in 7th grade that was good...

Believe In yourself: occationally... but not often enough...

Get Motion Sickness: not really... not generally anyway...

Think your Attractive: not really...

Think your A Health Freak: Definatly NOT

Get Along With your Parents: with my mom yes... my dad, I didn't, it's better now though, that we only see each other a few times a year

Like Thunderstorms: as long as they don't hit anything important...

Play An Instrument: No... wish I could though...

_Did/Have you_

Drank Alcohol: yeah

Smoked: no

Gone To The Mall: yeah

Eaten Sushi: no

Been On Stage: only a tiny one in a classroom...

Gone skating: yeah, but not for ages...

Made Homemade Cookies: Yup... usually do that at least once a year...

Dyed your Hair: yeah, trying to grow out the Black I dyed it last time so I can go red again

Stolen Anything: not really

_Have you Ever_

Flown On A Plane: yeah

Missed School Because It Was Raining: Yeah, a few times...

Told A Guy/Girl That you Liked Them: Not so directly no...

Cried During A Movie: A few times... it's gotta be a pretty moving film though... for all the crying I do in life, I cry very little at movies...

Ever Thought An Animated Character Was Hot: um... I don't know that I have...

Had An Imaginary Friend: yup... a few

Cut your Hair: Yeah... I assume we mean myself... apparently I did it once when I was a toddler... and now I've taken to cutting my own hair again...

Had A Crush On your Teacher: On my teacher, no... on a teacher, yes... but he wasn't my teacher...

Played A Game That Required The Removal Of Clothing: no

Been Trashed Or Extremely Intoxicated: no

Been Caught ‘Doing Something’: no

Been Called A Tease: no

Gotten Beaten up: no

Shoplifted: no

_The Future_

Age you Hope To Be Married: Don't think I want to do the marriage thing... like ever

Numbers And Names Of Children: Not sure I want to do the parent thing either...

Describe your Dream Wedding: if I were to get married... one word... SIMPLE

How Do you Want To Die: Don't know... old age, or cutting my wrists open...

What Do you Want To Do When you Grow up: Kinda almost grown up... and I'd like to do like TV or film production...

What Country Would you Most Like To Visit: England, cause my best friend lives there... Ireland would be nice too though...

_Favorites_

Shampoo: Aussie Moist

Color: Blue & black

Day/Night: both

Summer/Winter: summer maybe...

Food: pizza

Movie: too many to get into...

Sport: football

_In The Last 24 Hours_

Cried: um, actually I think I've had a tears free last 24 hours... 48 hours might be a different story though...

Worn Jeans: no... haven't been out of the house in the last 24 hours...

Met Someone New Online: nope... only talked to 3 people online in the past 24, and all of them I've know at least a year, if not more...

Done Laundry: Nope...

Drove A Car: Nope, haven't been out of the house in 24 hours ...

Talked On The Phone: Haven't talked on the phone in over 24 hours either... no one calls me, and I have no one to call... so... (except Andrea, but she's swamped with nursing school exams the next two weeks)

_Do you Believe In_

Yourself: occationally

Your Friends: Um... the couple that I know very well...

Santa Claus: no

Tooth Fairy: no

Destiny/Fate: sometimes, to a point... but not that everything is fated... just that perhaps some things just turn out that way because they do

Angels: no

Ghosts: not really... but weirdness abounds so...

God: no

_Friends And Life_

Do you Ever Wish you Had Another Name: Yeah, plenty... never really seemed to like my name ever since childhood

Do you Like Anyone: like a guy someone... I think that was covered in crushes... if it's just meant like people in general, yeah sure...

Which One Of your Friends is The Most Like you: Um... a few years ago I would have said Apryl, but, well, our lives are just so different now... she's in love, and married to a great guy, and has a baby, and is living halfway around the world... so, I guess none of my friends are really that much like me... they are all kind of different from me, and from each other...

Who Have you Known The Longest Of your Friends: Andrea, known her since 9th grade (that's 11 years)... Apryl's right behind that though at 10th grade (10 years)

Are you Close To Any Family Member: I'm fairly close to my mom and brother... we get along well and all... but that doesn't mean that there aren't things that I aren't said... I keep plenty of myself, to myself...

When Have you Cried The Most: I don't know... there have been times where it feels like I've just cried for days for no real reason at all... I know I spent A LOT of tears in the last couple of months leading up to high school graduation...

What’s The Best Feeling In The World: a pure joyful moment

Worst Feeling: loneliness or betrayal... but often the second leads to the first, so...

What Time Is It Now: 3am